Hello,<P>H introduced ow to our children (8&11) behind my back and against my wishes. We are separated and have not made the decision to divorce. H and ow believe there was nothing wrong in doing this. My children instinctively knew it was wrong as they didn't tell me until the third occurrence. (lying by omission)<P>Has anyone read or gotten any advice on how this affects them emotionally? I do not believe it is appropriate for him to introduce her into their lives until we are divorced should we decide to. They do not agree with me as they are only interested in their own selfish happiness. My opinion doesn't seem to count and would like to have some facts to back up my beliefs that it is not emotionally healthy for them to be around her at this point.<P>Thanks<BR>Hoping

You are right. They are only thinking of their selfish wants and desires. it is not good for the children, the become confused and scared. They probably won't like other woman either, so that is good for you. they are old enough to understand what daddy is doing is not right but they don't know how to handle it. If you see any changes in your children, you might want to consider counseling. I know this sounds drastic but you can't CHANGE Husband. You can only be there for your kids. Be the safe on for them. The one they come to and open up to. That is what you want. You want them to open up to you to let all those feelings out, EVEN if it HURTS YOU and makes you sad. And believe me, it will hurt.<P>My WS H is now living with OW#2 and takes my 3 babies, 3,4,5 to her house EOW. He thinks because she has 3 kids (her H died last year) that it is a good family enviornment. LOL<P>My children really don't understand what is going on. My oldest thinks mommy and daddy "broke up". She doesn't understand marriage and family. She told me she has 2 families and 2 mommies. I almost died. They don't say these things to HURT me, they are too young to understand and I have to remember that. My oldest daughter does open up to me about her feelings because I lie in bed with her and let her know she can say ANYTHING to me even if she thinks it will make mommmy sad. No matter WHAT she says, I will always love her and I will always be here for her. I am not going anywhere. They need to know that, over and over and over again.<P>Divorce is so difficult on children. Second Chances by Judither Wallerstein is a good read. Sad reading.<P>Your H will lose out with his kids but he won't realize it until the fog leaves. That sucks because it hurts the kids too in the process. <P>My H started his first A when my youngest was 1.5. I HATE him for what he is doing to THEM. <P>the best advice I can offer is be there for your kids. Be the best mommy you can be in a STABLE, loving, SAFE enviornment for them. You will not change your WS mind. HE DOESN'T CARE. I know that is hard to hear but sorry, it is true. Opps, he does care but NOT the way YOU do.<P>Come and vent.<P>Peace,<BR>Hopelessmom

My H did the same thing, introducing our four youngest six weeks after he left. I found out there was an OW when our son told our teenage daughter (who had been with me) that their father had taken them on an outing with a "friend" from work. There is no good way to find out about an OW, but I can't think of very many ways that are worse than finding out from your sibling and your daughter, respectively.<P>Absolutely everyone - including at least 2 counselors and a child psychologist, told my H that he was wrong to have introduced her so soon. He claimed that the child psychiatrist told him that since he already had introduced her, and since he viewed the relationship as "permanent" it was ok to continue having the kids around her. <P>Within a matter of months she was restricting the amount of time he was allowed to see the kids, especially at her house. She now no longer allows them to spend the night there, so he sees his kids about 12 hours a month. <P>

Dear Hoping,<P>How does this affect our children? WS's and OPs would like to think that anything they do would have little negative impact on anyone, especially the children. But reality is that it does affect them and greatly. There is a poster on the d/d board who wrote about how his parents divorce when he was about 3yrs affects him to this day. He recently went through a divorce and was terrified. He has a 4 year old daughter that he is the primary parent for. <P>In my case, my son (6 years old, never met OW) already expressed his opinion of OW. Says he will not accept another woman calling herself his mom or step mom. He says he already has a mom. Says he will be very upset at dad for leaving our family. WS said he was a bad husband and father. He made this statement within earshot of our son (dumb move). Our son responded (after his father left), 'mom why would dad want to get married again if he is already a bad husband, doesn't he know that he will just be a bad husband again?'<P>Go by your instinct and that of your children. WS & OPs do not have a clear sense on this issue. All their focus is on themselves. Very selfish. Don't expect them to have your children's interest at heart. <P>I would like to share with you some info I recently learned from WS's OW. A couple of months ago, this OW (45 with no children of her own), told H that when he comes to live with her, she is setting the rules. <P>1. Only visit with his son on the weekends. <BR>2. Pick up son in a neutral place. <BR>3. H is not allowed to visit with son at W's home nor any<BR> relatives home.<P>The list went on about other stupid demands. Get the point? This woman evidently thought it was ok to just drop off a little boy in what a park, shopping mall, school yard, where? As long as it was away from his home and family. Also, H was required to cut off all contact with W for 1 year!!!!<P>Don't be swayed by their 'illogic logic'. Be a good mom. Make your home your children's safe place. Be open and honest with them. Encourage them to talk to you &/or someone they trust. Let the school's know. Teachers can be on the lookout for behavior problems as a result and can be able to assist you. <P>Take Care this fog thing is crazy. Don't get sucked into their fog. <P>L.

I am writing in response to minor children spending the night with your husband's and ow. In my state, it is illegal for a child to have an overnight stay at a parents house with a member of the opposite sex present, even after a divorce. Unless it is a relative. If the ws gets remarried, then that is a different story.

Hoping - this issue has got to be one of the most wrenching of an already unbearable situation. In my case, the OM was already a good family friend, so my son didn't see anything wrong with Mom spending time with him after we separated.<P>Anyway, playing off of blue00's reply, I had a clause added to our separation agreement that opposite sex visitors are not permitted to spend the night in the presence of our son. This effectively quashed some of the interaction.<P>WAT

Hoping,<BR>I'm so sorry your H is doing this.<P>I'm with Blue & WAT, see your lawyer. At the time I was talking to mine, although OP sleepovers with kids not illegal in my state, there are definitely judges that would add that to the visitation aggreement, and she felt it was worth a try...check it out. I doubt there is little you can do for her being present.<P>I was wondering, one of the last times you were posting was about talking to the OW and how shocked she seemed at having been lied to, and that she wouldn't knowingly be with a man not on his way to a divorce...was that a sham? I doubted at the time she would have been sincere (judgement on my part, I suppose). How do you feel about that conversation now? Have you talked to her again?<P>I wish you the best<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hello everyone,<P>Thank you for all the replies.<P>It just amazes me that h and ow believe that her presence will not have a negative effect on my children. Excuse me, but we are not divorced or even initiated a divorce. In fact I have told h to divorce me and he said he doesn't want to!<P>In my opinion, they are sending a message to an 8 and 10 year old that it is OK to have a mistress even though you are married! <P>Lor, I will post an update as to what has happened. Maybe others will benefit from it. <P>Thanks,<P>Hoping