Since my H has told me that he's contacted the OW since dday, I've been devastated. He says it's been only once but who knows what to believe. Anyway, when I first found out a month ago, I called the OW several times (she's overseas) and emailed her pictures of the family so that she could feel my and their pain. In all cases of communication, I did not swear or threaten. In my last email to her which was shortly after dday, I simply asked her to stay away. No, of course I don't blame only her on the communication or the A but if she stopped being available, I thought it would help the situation. Is it wrong to contact her again to ask her to stay away? I'm a little confused as to the boundaries of the OW relative to Plan A. Should it be something that the WS does on his own?<P>

Hi T,<BR>This is a brave step. Having distance between them helps keep the EA from going PA over and over. What reaction did you get from your communication with the OW? Is she married with or without children? Who is the more agressive party in this A?<P>Sorry for the questions, I did not get a chance to search out your story yet. My computer has been up and down this weekend, so I am taking advantage of it right now. <P>L.<BR>

Hi Orchid, The OW is single with no children and 10 years younger than myself. When I spoke to the OW on the phone, she sounded fairly cold and said that she was just a consequence. She did not reply to any of my subsequent emails. In terms of aggressiveness, I'm not sure. I think they're both equal in that regard. By saying brave, do you mean I should or shouldn't?<P>

Hi T,<P>You stepped into the unknown. You are brave for that reason. It is not always a safe trek to take. Some OWs are quite crazy. The one in my situation had a lot of issues and has tried to make herself the wife and me the OW. Go figure. This OW even wanted me to write an apology letter to her. For what? For invading her privacy by sending her e-mails. I did not know that until recently. H knew better than to tell me that. <P>Be cautious, remember the purpose of why you feel the need to contact the OW. See if you can visualize the impact on your H. In my case, I do not regret the contact attempt, for me it was a jester in good faith, unfortunately regardless of my intentions when you are dealing with a crazy person (with or without fog) little can be accomplished. The reason why I don't regret it is that I did it for me. OW chose not to benefit by my sharing info that I felt she had a right to know. I actually was giving her the benefit of the doubt (a tad bit strong in my verbage to her but not vulgar like her responses were to me). I did not double talk and make up accusations like she did but I did summize their actions and pointed out how they were hurting others. <P>It did little good. H still resents me for that. That is another thing. H protected OW and still does. Don't fight that if your H does the same. He will until he sees her for what she truly is, a homewrecker. To this day, OW is trying to get H to come back to her. I have a post that talks about that. <P>Hang in there lady, we will be around to support you. <P>L.<BR>

I have had contact with OW off and on...I am the BS. And I struggle with not contacting her again.<BR>I feel she still has lots of misconceptions, as to how this thing happened. I want to know how she is...what has she learned...She is not a terrible person and I know she must be hurting...<BR>My motives...that's a good one. I will be at a seminar on May 22, right around the corner from where she works...I could go in there and she probably wouldn't know me...WHY do I want to do that...It was not about her,my H blamed me for his unhappiness,unfairly. I guess I want her to know that I was not the reason this occured.That he was in the throes of an addiction to the net and pushed us all away,then blamed us for making him lonely. Not the whole thing but a portion of it.<BR>I guess I want her to know I am not afraid of her...that I am strong and that My H is as happy as he can be, depending on MY state of mind. When I get over this, and I will, he will be as happy as a person can be.<BR>I wonder if this could be the final stage to my recovery...to show her she can't get back in...I know my H will not speak to her again. Maybe I should let THAT be enough. BUT, if I were in your position,Terrified, I don't think I could stop myself from being "proactive"

There is really only one answer to this... NO.<P>Check outt the following for all the reasons!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004587.html" TARGET=_blank>i want to contact OW-bad idea?</A>...sadwife_in_co...7/18/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007330.html" TARGET=_blank>For BS -- Ever feel like contacting OW/OM?</A>...sunhasset...1/24/2001<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007872.html" TARGET=_blank>Contacting OW</A>...Not Giving Up...3/7/2001<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007938.html" TARGET=_blank>Is it a smart move for bs to contact ow?</A>...elo...3/13/2001<P> <P>Jim

I agree with the above--I also contacted the OW, one of them, anyways. I don't really regret that I did, but I wish that I had controlled my anger a bit better. I will never contact her again, but I still struggle with my intense anger against her and I catch myself thinking about what I would say to her if I did.<P>I found pictures of her, printed out from our computer, and that was my first tangible evidence of the affair. My husband told me that she was just an "internet pal." Then I found actual photographs taken of her in his temporary housing (he was in a military school) and I confronted him. He admitted to "an intense friendship, nothing more, sorry." <P>I looked at all the negatives from pictures that he had taken while he was away at this school, and sure enough, there were about 4 or 5 of her on every roll--taken in hotel rooms. In various stages of undress. I also found her phone numbers for home work and cell, in my husband's appointment book, along with the dates of the "appointments" he kept with her. I did a reverse search on the internet of all the phone numbers and found her address, and all the places she worked. I also found that she was married. I felt like a horrible snoop at this point, but I was dying inside of being fooled and lied to. I knew that I was, and I wanted the truth. I couldn't stand it. I had the right to know, whether I was told or not.<P>So I bundled up the photos and sent them back to her, with a little sticky note on each one. I told her that marriage and families were sacred, and I told her to stay away from mine. I didn't think that she would really get my letter--after all, I was just guessing as to what really happened (my husband told me that he had let a girl from the apartment swimming pool use his room to change in. Uh huh.)<P>She did get the package of photos.<P>Then I found the chat files--after reading for 15 minutes, I closed the file and called her. Her daughter answered, then gave OW the phone. I politely told her who I was and asked her, calmly, what was going on with her and my husband. She stuttered and stammered. I asked if she had slept with him, and she said "Uh, uh, well, no. . .not EXACTLY. . ." (Dumb me, I should have asked her if they had had SEX.) I asked her why she told my husband that she would love my son because "he was a part of him." (That was a bit of the dialogue that I eavesdropped on--dumb me, I should have figured out that she was begging my husband to leave me for her and that she was volunteering to raise my son.) I told her not to write or call my husband again, and she promised that she wouldn't. She said she was sorry and that she wanted to be left alone--about that time, her stupid chihuaua started barking and her husband, I guess, walked in. She hung up.<P>Then I read the rest of the correspondance on the ICQ. And saw some really gross pictures of the woman. God, I felt like I was half asleep, in a nightmare. <P>My husband told her that she was the love of his life, that life on this earth was not worth living without her, that he was trapped in a loveless prison out of obligation to his son, that he loved every inch of her body, that he wanted to marry her. <P>I read about all of their encounters, all of their sex, all the nasty things that my husband told his girlfriend about me. He called me "the Predator." She asked him if a Mormon like me pleased him in bed the way she did--and he told her to go ask Donny and Marie about Mormon sex, ha ha, cuz he wouldn't know. He told her that I was a sh*tty mother, treating my kid like a bag of potatoes because I left him to work (Here I was caring for the child alone while his father ran around with his girlfriend.) But mostly, he told her that I had a nasty, abusive temper, that I lacked people skills--completely the opposite situation.<P>She ate it up, that I was a horrible person. From the way she talked, she was trying to "save" him from me. She told him everything that he wanted to hear, and he thrived on it.<P>I was angry, but more than anything, I wanted to set her straight. I wanted her to know that I was not the one who was ruining the marriage. I wanted her to know that I was not the one who abandoned the marriage--he was. I wanted her to know that I loved my husband more than anything--or that I did love him prior to finding all of this out--and that HE was the one who turned his back on me. Granted, maybe his own perceptions told him otherwise, but I wanted her to know that I am not an evil person. I was the one who was being hurt, scorned, lied to, not him.<P>I fired off three e-mails in one day, cursing her, abusing her character, mocking her in everything from her looks (The Joker), her voice (at least 2 packs a day) her age (archaic.) I laughed at her chihuaua, her frizzy hair, her private body parts, and her stupid little "gems of wisdom" (such as--"You don't divorce a child, you divorce a spouse, so don't feel guilty.") I threatened to tell her husband and kid (only threatened, I wouldn't have done it--I would never want a person to suffer as much as I did then.) I told her to go ahead and file a restraining order against me in advance because I was going to give her an @$$kicking that she wasn't going to forget (I wouldn't have done this, either, of course, but I sure felt like it.)<P>I was seething with rage for weeks--I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was freaked over the way that I felt--I had never had any animosity, not even mild irritation, towards anyone in my entire life, not like this. But I left her alone until one day, about 6 weeks later, my husband's commander's wife called me and warned me that she had heard through the grapevine that he was recieving "mail" at the office (he was gone on business.) Without even checking on the rumor or the sources, I wrote to the woman again and told her to get lost, that she had destroyed my marriage and my life. I wrote a lengthy letter, much calmer than before, no threats, no violence, but much more venom. For once, she wrote back, and she threatened me with legal action if I contacted her again. I responded and told her that I was not afraid of her--I had all the evidence that I needed (chat files, photos, hotel receipts, ect) to destroy HER life. I told her that she might be able to retain a good lawyer if she _______ his _____, like she did my husband. I also told her that I would never contact her again and that I hoped the rest of her life would be miserable.<P>One day, months later, I playing around on the PC and I found a Southpark cartoon, an e-mail card, of one of the little Southpark Guys holding up a shotgun. I thought "This is about how I feel towards Miss Kitty." I wrote "You suck" in the message blank and I typed her e-mail address in the "To" blank and then my husband's e-mail address in the "From" blank. I had a good laugh over it, and then I went to erase it and close the page, but by accident, I hit "send." I panicked but then I thought "Oh, well, she has probably changed her e-mail address by now. And if, by the small chance she does get it, well, she'll live."<P>At this point, she contacted my husband and complained that I was harassing her. What did that do? It brought them bring them back together to share their sacred little memories of good times. It caused them to confide in one another and deepen their little secret.<P>And what did venting all of my anger prove? That I was, indeed, as my husband told her, a raging, screeching, uncontrollable witch. What I did actually proved him right.<P>I don't regret contacting the OW at all, I would again, but I wished that I had asked her smart questions that would have lead me to the truth rather than asumptions, and I wished that I had talked her like a lady instead of a street punk. I wished that I had controlled my temper. The last thing that I want my husband to perpetuate in his mind that I am a screaming banshee. This gives him all the more cause to turn away from me.<P>One of the first conversations that I ever had with my husband when we were dating was that I thought that vengence, in any situation was completely wrong. It only served to intensify hatred and evil. He disagreed with me then. He considered vengence to be justice. Boy, how did this get turned around, I wonder?<P>I am struggling with forgiveness--I am in the beginning stages of forgiving my husband. I don't know if I can forgive her--yet. We'll see. In the meantime, I will let God be the judge and I will try to focus my life on doing positive things for others rather than dwelling on what I have suffered.

I contacted to OW the next morning after I found out. She and I have gone to coffee several times over the course of figuring out my marriage. I would like to think she really wants what is best for us as she says she does.. However <BR>She is just waiting to make her move. Waiting for me to give up and passively worming her way into my life to get my man! If contact is absolute- watch every move, and believe nothing she says. This is a situation where you will never again be able to trust/believe in anyone but yourself and your instincts! Do not be weak and ask her not to see your H. <P>Afterall, I am sure she knows you don't want her to see him.. or is she a total idiot?<P>Hope this helps!<BR>-IndianaSally<P>

Terrified:<P>I can't tell you what to do, but I can attest that you won't get the truth from the OW until *she's* darned ready for you to get it. Usually this is after the A has ended (to her mind, for good, and she's come to terms that the married man has dumped her), and she wants to cause trouble between you and your H by sending anon. emails, letters, copies of their correspondence, etc. As long as the OW hold onto hope that the A is going to resume, they will generally not contact the W. But after it does ... beware! You might find yourself getting more information that you bargained for. <P>I too asked the OW to stay away from my H and let us heal. It was like talking to a fencepost. She was bound and determined to worm her way into our lives, no matter what the cost. Don't expect that your plea will do any good, terrfied. I wish that I could assure you that all OP did the right thing when confronted by a heartsick spouse, but they don't. It's all about "me-me-me."<P>Hey Bernzini - Your H is a real -<P>Sorry, I'll have to hold that thought. I hope you don't think that the OW believed anything that he told her, hon. I'm sure that she knew that he was making everything up just to perpetuate the sex. It's a lot easier for a man to get a woman into bed if he spits on his W's character and makes her out to be a nasty person than if he tells the OW all of the good things about his W, right? So yeah, I'm sure the OW knew this, and that she knows deep inside that your H was making things up about you. Which makes it all the more repulsive that she pursued him. I'm sorry, hon. Your story just tears me apart every time I read more.<P>As for me, I did contact the OW, and I was initially very afraid of her. Her parents had told me that she had psychiatric problems that had never resolved even with medication, as well as problems with the law (the parents didn't specify *what*). So I tread very carefully at first. For all I knew, she could have been charged with assault or stalking or something similar with another MM (her parents also told me that my H was not the first MM she had gotten involved with). I still am afraid of her to a certain degree, and what she might do. H told me that she was supposedly moving away from our city as soon as she "graduated" from the university, but I recently did a little digging and found out that she's still at the university - not as a student, but as an office clerk! She's ALWAYS been an office clerk there, not a student! <P>So I don't know what game she's playing. I do know one thing: the woman does lie profusely about a lot of things. I'm glad that she doesn't know what I look like, to be frank. I wouldn't know what to expect.<P>belldandy

=<p>[This message has been edited by GraceLeigh (edited June 01, 2001).]

Should you contact the OW? It depends on the situation. And how stable she is. But unless you contact her, that's something you won't know. As the OW, when the W contacted me, it gave me a face. I came to know her pain. I came to know her as a person. I came to like and admire her. I thought it was a very brave thing that she did. I came to know her world and it brought home a reality that nothing else has. The H created an illusion for both of us. When she first contacted me, she was very ugly, but I didn't blame her. She had every right. She earned something I no longer had for myself. My respect. It woke me up. I don't know if the OW in your case would listen, but it might help. Maybe she needs a face, a voice, a person to haunt her. I would never talked to the W first if she hadn't contacte me. H on the other hand was furious with both of us for talking to each other. Imagine that, as if he were the victim. After the W and I compared notes, we both realized that he had been telling us the same lies. "You don't know. She's crazy. She might kill herself. She scared me. She's threatened to come after me. Honestly,I'm not sleeping with her. Really, it's over." Sound familiar? The crazy thing is that talking to each other, has somehow comforted both of us. I really don't understand this and I don't think the W does either, but I feel really saddened, because somehow, I feel like I've lost a friend and I never even knew her before this.

TRose,<P>Sounds absolutely familiar. You could have scripted out my contact with my H's XOW to a tee. My H too was really angry that we were communicating. He told her one thing, and me another. He used the same lines on her that the MM did to you - told her that I was unstable, that I'd kill myself, blah, blah, blah. It was quite humorous, now that I think about it. I think that the two of us communicating and comparing notes must have had him on the jump! It is too bad that the XOW turned out to be bitter. I think that she has nice qualities, but that she's just not all "there" mentally. I think that she used me to get the "other side" and to figure out how much my H was playing her - I think that I knew this all along. My only consolation was that as much as he was lying to me, he was lying to her just as much.<P>Or was he? In an EMR, one rarely gets inside the brain of the WS to the truth of the matter. My H says that he doesn't remember much of what went on. I think that he could remember, but he's blocked it out. His behavior was just too cocked-up at the time. To give him some credit, if I were him, I don't think I'd want to remember being found out by my girlfriend and my wife at the same time, lol! That had to have been a big fat juicy slice of fresh h*ll! <P>belldandy

Bell, you are too funny.<P>Thank you for your comforting words--I don't know about what OW was thinking, whether she considered my feelings at all, or whether she figured my husband was lying to her or what. I have no idea, I never will.<P>All I know is: If you are going to confront your spouses' lover, you had better have absolute hard evidence of what is going on or you will make a fool of yourself. But most of all, you have to wait until you are level headed to talk rationally. Gernerally, knowing human nature, that is not realistic.<P>But, I agree, it is probably best not to contact the OP. It is better to have the WS write the letter of no contact and end the affair--under supervision of the BS. <P>To the OP, you are the enemy. You are the person who is married to their lover. You are the one standing in their way of happiness. The OP will not heed a thing that the faithful husband/wife has to say. They will not feel sorry for you. They will not see your point of view. They can't see past their own feelings to understand yours. They will not care about your kids or the love you have for your spouse. All they want is to be with your spouse, whether legitimately or illegitimately. <P>Contacting them is like putting gasoline on the fire--it's asking for a fight.<P>The only thing that's going to end the fantasy is to hear it from their lover that the affair is over, so it is in vain to try to talk sense into them, and it is wrong to threaten them and be angry with them.

Would I like to contact OM? <P>Sure, with a 2 X 4. Wait a minute, hear me out!<P>OM is my wife's best friend's H, so I know him a bit too well. He was a pallbearer in my son's funeral.<P>Now, who wants to help me?<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 08, 2001).]

I don't know what would hurt worse, WAT, than having your spouse cheat on you with a good friend that you once trusted and esteemed. I don't know what I would have done. I definately know how angry you feel.<P>I can understand you wanting to use that board, but I know that you are a far better man. After all, you are here sharing your thoughts. It takes a caring person who would do that much. I hope that you find comfort.

Bernie - thanks for your compassion. I'm not angry very often. That slime ball does not deserve any of my energy, much less any of my time to contact him - with or without a board. I was really just trying to offer some different perspective to those whose OPs are strangers. <P>To be honest, I don't know how I'll respond when he contacts me. It will happen, sooner or later. I have already forgiven my wife. After trusting him to lay my child down for the last time, I don't think I'll find the strength to ever forgive him.<P>WAT

worthatry,<P>I for one completely understand your feelings. I cannot imagine the mind of a human being who would do such a pathetic, heartless thing. It is always difficult to lay a child to rest, but to have those memories tainted by such a low-life person must be unbearable. The man IS scum. Can't say that I think much of your W for going along with him. But she is your wife, and he is ... well, just a (former) friend. Between the two, you made the right choice in supporting your W.<P>I too have had friends stab me in the back. It's like being spit on right in the face. Hang in there, worthatry. It's gotta be rough.<P>belld

That's right, the slimeball doesn't deserve energy it would take.<P>Thanks a lot, you made me cry. Now I've got mascara running down my face.<P>If I lost my son, ever, I think that you might as well put me into the ground with him. Losing my child is one tragedy that, thank God, I have not had to face. I can wholly understand your anger.<P>The OW, in my case, was a complete stranger to me. I only had contact with her after the PA. She pleaded with my husband to stay with her and told him that she would take my son and raise him as her own if he would leave me. He complained to her that I was a terrible mother, as I was leaving for Korea and was planning to leave my son with my parents while I served my tour, and she offered to take him then, too. As if I would leave my baby with some freak that I didn't even know because she was sleeping with my husband. She was crazy. And that's what made me crazy enough to verbally abuse her.<P>I am a parent, a mom. No one messes with my kid. Period.<P>WAT, sir, you have a right to be angry, as I am. But we both know that anger destroys, so I hope that you will find something positive to put into it's place. I am trying to do this as well.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>Would I like to contact OM? <P>Sure, with a 2 X 4. Wait a minute, hear me out!<P>OM is my wife's best friend's H, so I know him a bit too well. He was a pallbearer in my son's funeral.<P>Now, who wants to help me?<P>WAT<P>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 08, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WAT -- I might take you up on that, provided you bring that same 2x4 and help me out. My wife's OM stood in our wedding, he was my friend of 20+ years -- we used to have sleepovers and walk to gradeschool together... And he's still contacting her. Sometimes I think about contacting him, but for what? He obviously doesn't respect me or my family, and he obviously won't take no for an answer. I want to be a better person, but sometimes, I still fantasize (emphasis on fantasize) about him crashing his car into a bridge or something.<P>I think we're about to the restraining order point -- my wife has told him twice that she doesn't want him in her life anymore, and in the beginning, I told him (through friends and family) to leave us alone. He called her last week.<P>

Thanks for all of your words of wisdom. The OW is in another continent and my feelings are that she needs one more reminder of the people she has impacted and the 18-year relationship that I've shared with WS. My H is reminded each day but the OW needs to better visualize me and my daughter. I think the "seeing" thing on the part of the OW is better than not. I just want her to stay away from all of us.