Hi everyone. I guess I'm being dramatic, but I'm feeling more guilty today for what I did than I ever have. Just wishing I could take so many stupid things back. I hate the reason why I'm here and sometimes I just hate myself for it. This is part of the WSs punishment and I deserve it, but somehow that doesn't make it easier. I think the other WSs around here will understand what I'm talking about.<P>I suppose this is a good place to answer any BS questions about how the WS feels when all is said and done. I feel unbearable guilt and remorse, and I'm scared of what future price I might have to pay for my lunacy. I don't want this feeling anymore. Nothing is worth feeling this way. I expect most of the WSs who come back suffer through the same thing. I can't describe how much I regret everything.<P>Okay, so there's my little pity session for today. Any WSs out there go through this? Well, of course you did. What's that they say about hindsight?<P><BR>Clarity?

Clarity! - OK, if you were my wife today, what could I do to make you feel better? This can be therapy for you and training for me.<P>WAT

Clarity?<P>I know exactly what you mean. I think the guilt is always with us, but sometimes in comes in serious waves. Like when everything is going really good, you think, how could I have done such a thing? Then if things are going really bad, you still think, how could I have done such a thing?<P>I don't know of any magic solution. I was just thinking of that the other day. What if we don't recover from this nightmare? Then I get real scared, and the fear really kicks in. Yeah, if hindsight was foresight, I know I sure wouldn't be here.<P>Take Care<BR>PJ

Thanks for your responses you two. I'll be honest with you, WAT. I don't think there's anything you could do to make me feel better today. Maybe other WSs have better ideas, but it's like I don't feel worthy of being cheered up in a strange way. It's just a dead, dull feeling. The best I could think of for you to do is just smile, be sympathetic (if you can) and not say anything about it. I hope it will pass soon.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can be sympathetic to my wife. She's got a lot to unload.<P> and silence.<P>WAT

I think I read in one of the Harley books that the worst part for the WS came AFTER he or she decided to give up on the affair. It is very common to be feeling the way you do. But according to him, this will pass as the weeks roll by.<P>You've already made the hard decision. Give it time. <P>That being said, like WAT, I too wait for the day my wife can reach the point where you are now...

Thanks for your responses everyone. Yes, this likely will pass as time goes by, but for now I needed to express it somewhere and thought MB the best place. One day at a time ...

I think it is OK to grieve your losses. Maybe right now the person you feel you most betrayed is yourself and your own integrity. And maybe that is why you feel no one can "make you feel better" right now. That is probably true. How about moving through the feelings and toward what you want to feel...peace.<P>Grieve for what you lost in your relationship and in yourself, but realize that what you are building something new and truer and stronger in its place. As you move through your losses and sincerely grieve them, keep you eye on what YOU to be and to have in the life you are creating.

Hey Clarity. As you know, I've been away for a while. I went through very extreme periods of remorse, guilt, doubts, feelings of worthlessness - it was so bad that I tried to end my life, because I never thought I would be able to feel better about myself. I felt like this one mistake was the defining moment of my existence, and that anything that I did from that point forward - even if it was the right thing (such as ending the affair and recommitting to my marriage) well, anything - I thought - that I did would never ever be good enough. I felt like I could never, ever make it up to my H - even if I spent the rest of my life trying.<P>The funny thing is, with that kind of remorse, it can eat at your self-esteem little by little. And, I really reached a point where I was in shear desperation. For me, I know it was only God who pulled me out of that place. And, fortunately, I think God gave me several things to help me "get out of it" and He planted several thoughts in my heart and my mind, and I'll share them with you, and maybe they'll help.<P>(1) Your wife is still with you. Don't under-estimate the power of her love for you. She has shown that she loves you regardless of what you have done. She loves you for who you are not what you do. You are sincerely sorry for what you have done, and she forgives you. That, my friend, is a blessing, a gift whatever you want to call it. And you shouldn't waste it by feeling that you are not good enough. Your wife loves you, your wife thinks that you are good enough to love - don't second guess her. Obviously, you are a very special person, or she wouldn't have even forgiven you, much less tried to stay and work things out.<BR>So, while what you have done may have been horrible - it doesn't make you a horrible person.<P>(2) Your wife deserves a husband who is happy. Your wife could have walked out on you, given up, but she didn't. She loves you and she needs you and she wants you to be happy. And, what kept me going a lot of times was knowing that while maybe I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy - my H if nobody else deserved a wife that was happy, a wife that was devoted to him, a wife who didn't keep re-living this horrible mess over and over in her head. So, my H did deserve better than what I was giving him. So, therefore, I had to stop thinking about the affair and concentrate on our marriage. I had to live with the mistake and move forward - become a better wife, a better person not because I really deserved it, but because my H deserved it. He chose to be "stuck" with me, but I wasn't about to let him get "stuck" with a sad sack.<P>(3) You can drown in self-pity, self-hate, self-loathing. Yes, it's good to feel remorse, but if you're consumed by it - than you're no better off, or no better of a marriage partner than if you were still involved in the affair. Sure, the OW is gone, but the focus is still on you and what you did versus what you're wife is willing to give - love, mercy, patience, forgivness. And sometimes, we're not meant to give, sometimes, we're just meant to be a receiving vessel. So, receive her love and compassion. You don't really have to earn it - she's already giving it to you.<P>Anyway, I don't know if this helped or not. I hope it did. You have to break out of that cycle of remorse so it doesn't adversely affect your recovery process. It's great that you feel bad about what you did - it shows that you have a conscience. But, what you do with that knowledge, well, I guess that's more important. Be remorseful, but learn from your mistake and part of that is learning to accept that your wife STILL loves you. And that's a great gift that really shouldn't be wasted.<BR>