Just curious. My H hasn't read any of the Harley books, however, I have read SAA and have had phone counseling from Dr. Harley. I don't think my H even knew about Plan A and Plan B. I tried to get him interested in the Harley method, but he thinks this kind of stuff is psychobabble. Ironically, the Harley method saved our marriage. If I had not spoken with Dr. Harley and read SAA, I would be divorced today.<P>How many other people did the Harley method alone?<P>belld

Add me to the list!! <P>Although he's now developing a deep respect for Dr. Phil, there's no way on earth Robert will get into the Harley stuff. I've shared a bit - he does like the forum and the people, but not a "plan" to go by - forget it!<P>Doesn't matter, though, huh?<P>Lori

In that my wife has never even acknowledged the affair, by definition, I'm doing it alone.<P>WAT

Me too. My H thought it was all psychobabble, but it definitely helped...tho he also needed (and finally got) treatment for depression also.<P>Kathi

I'm with Dave. My W, the WS, didn't like Harley stuff because in her fogged-in brain this "cookbook" approach diminished the uniqueness, magic, and "soulmateness" of her affair. <P>Harley's philosophy is that these affairs follow a pattern, and because this pattern is well known and understood (EN's, LB's, etc), the recipe for recovery is well known also (as in "no-contact with OP"). Well, my W was never able or willing to admit that her affair was "cookbook", so she didn't like Harley's approach. She preferred the "I can't help my feelings" route. We'll see where that gets her in the end...<P>Funny thing is that as "unique" as her affair was, I was always able to be one step ahead of her in predicting her actions and "feelings", because she WAS/IS following the classic pattern. <P>Of course this may all change, since her OM's W got a very interesting phone call last week..... <P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 08, 2001).]

Unfortunately, the principles didn't work for my husband and I - we weren't just dealing with an affair - my husband has a serious addiction that he won't accept or face.<P>However - the principles are DEFINATELY being applied in my new relationship and - (fingers crossed) - everything is wonderful and it truly works. I only wish these principles could be taught before our first marriages - many of us may not be here now. <P>It's been wonderful seeing the results and adoration grow between my new significant other as we attack every issue - big or small - when it first arises rather then growing out of control and building bad feelings.

I had no knowledge of Harley or his methods upon discovery of my H's affair. I knew we were having problems but, based upon his complaints, I attributed them to disagreements about the kids, jobs, finances, ailing parents, etc. We even tried marital counseling which didn't help because he lied to the counselor. Without knowing about MB principles, I was doing an excellent job of Plan A'ing.<P>Discovery of the affair would have been handled much more effectively if I had known about Harley's suggestions. My H did immediately end the affair with a quick 5 second phone call and has had no contact since that day. My biggest regret is that, not knowing Harley's closure methods, my H did not write a No Contact letter. I wish he would have but it's too late now. <P>I discovered this site and MB principles in March of 98 after having difficulties dealing with the hurt and anger. Thanks to this site, we have used Harley's principles in rebuilding our marriage. After 3+ years of reviving our marriage, I can vouch for the fact that they DO work. We are now doing better than I would have ever thought possible.

My H has read SAA and participated in counseling with me for a while with Steve Harley. But he too rejects the cookbook approach for the same reasons stated here. His word is it seems "artificial." Unfamiliar might be another way of looking at it, but he doesn't see it that way. I'm glad it seems to work for people even when the WS is not involved because that's where I'm at.

My H made a remark over dinner the other night that disturbed me and emphasized how much the Harley approach has changed my approach. It started when I told him that I remembered when he used to give me these sexy little winks. He told me that he no longer felt like it, and that a gesture of caring or affection doesn't mean anything unless you feel it. Having read the Harley books, I know that the most important thing to do is to show affection whether I feel like it or not. In fact, at the times when I feel most distraught and upset about my H and the XOW, I go hug him and kiss him and remember how lucky I am that she's totally out of our lives (rewritten to say: FINALLY out of our lives; it was like chiseling off barnacles). I try to remember to do things for him on a regular basis, like bake cookies/pie/biscotti for his workplace, or buying him some personal grooming stuff. Just little things to let him know that I care. Even though it's not reciprocated, it has helped us communicate with each other better. So I wish my H would open his mind just a little bit and read at least one book, because Harley does a really good job of explaining why it's important to make deposits into a spouse's Love Bank and not Love Bust (LB). It makes perfect, practical sense. <P>So when my H tells me that he doesn't believe that methods like MB work, I just hold my tongue (grin). The Harley principles were the only thing that kept me from divorcing H after I caught him in contact w/ the XOW after he swore no contact!<P>belld

Add me to the list, too. <P>The good news is that my wife finally bought in to the concepts. She no longer sees Steve Harley as the devil incarnate (she did some brief counseling with him during her affair)---but she still won't go on the MB cruise.<P>Give her a few years...

My W is just like WAT. She does not aknowledge the affair (despite the overwhelming evidence) and blames me for everything under the sun these days. We have sought marriage counseling during the A, but counselor initially believed my W that there was no A. I presented the evidence to the counselor and she was shocked and said the my W was so believable. I've since spoken with Steve and am on Plan A even though my W keeps saying she is filing for divorce. For the time being, she does not know anything about the Harley method. I believe she would accuse me of grasping at something that isn't there if I told her. So for now, I am going it alone, and hoping and praying I can get her back with this approach.<P>sadandconfused

I did it w/o my husband. We wouldn't be back together today if it hadn't been for Marriage Builders and the behavior patterns learned and support received from this site.

Absolutely alone. H has no idea Marriage Builders or any of these boards exist lol. Originally I started with a christian marraige counseling book I stumbled across. The advice is very similar to MB. I have no idea how much $$ I spent on books. H hates to read (even thought he has a Master's). Sometimes I would photocopy pages and highlight relevant passages and give them to him. I don't know if he ever read most of them. Probably not. But it worked like a charm. Utilizing these principles was the hardest thing I've ever done. Many times I would much rather have hauled off and punched him than been loving and supportive. But then I'd be divorced. Thank god for Marriage Builders. I didn't follow every principle but not everything will work for everyone.

My husband just outright tells me that it's all STUPID!!! I left SAA on the nightstand when I left Japan, and when I returned, I found it stuffed under the airconditioner. My book was like holy water to a vampire, I guess.<P>Oh, but, you know. My husband didn't really have an affair, so it all doesn't apply to him. He just had a "friendship" with a married woman that he got carried away with. He also just looks at naked pictures on the internet and then chats with the women that post them, what's wrong with that? Those are not affairs, either. So, MB principles don't apply to my husband, do they?

Did it alone! I bet you MOST of us do it alone. Doesn't matter if only one person does it - IT CAN WORK! <P>One persons behavior changes causes the interaction between the two of them to change. So, this is a method that can be done "alone".<P>My husband doesn't formally follow the basic concepts - but he is informally following them 80% of the time - AS A RESULT of what I learned here at MB! <P>