I am not new to this website but new in posting. I really need help today.<P>Brief history: married 18 years, 3 kids D age 15, S age 13 and D age 9. H had an EA then PA with a coworker beginning in April 2000 and ending September 2000. We have been in recovery and things were going so well these last six weeks I wanted to pinch myself.<P>Last night H asked if I had any questions about the A and to ask it. We were cuddling and enjoying each other's company. Well I asked the dreaded question I knew I should not have asked "Was sex better with OW than with me?" He answered yes it was better.<P>I was devastated. I felt as if someone had stabbed me in the heart again. I knew the answer already but to have it confirmed just about killed me. When I started crying in my pain my H got very angry. He said it was all in the past, that we were doing so well that I should just forget it. I said you have lied to me so much already why could you not have spared my feelings about this sensitive issue and lied again.<P>The scene was as emotional and tension filled as you can imagine. I felt I was drowning in an ocean of tears and I felt I was literally being torn apart. H got really angry and said why did I have to drag this all up again, that he would never answer any more questions then hit me a few times in the face. I did not see it coming. Today my whole right side is swollen and my jaw is painful but not black and blue.<P>This is not the first time he has beaten me either. During the midst of his affair he beat me up twice. I love him desperately but I feel as if I am in an abusive situation. When things are going great between us it is very good. When it is bad it is very bad. We are two very passionate people and we cannot seem to have a medium ground.<P>I feel so low in self esteem right now. All during his affair he would be intimate with me every night just about. All during the recovery we have been just as active. Now he tells me that it was better with her. I don't know how I am supposed to react to this.<P>Please help me. I don't know what to do.

NoMoh,<P>Please seek help at a battered women's shelter. Get counseling NOW, do not keep this a secret. Your H's behavior goes far past the bad behavior associated with the EMR - he is abusive. I've read in many posts from many people that sometimes an EMR will cause a wayward spouse to become physically violent, as well as verbally and emotionally abusive. Remember: this is NOT your fault! You did NOTHING to deserve his anger! HE was the one who did you wrong. Do NOT take responsibility for HIS bad behavior.<P>As for the sex part... of course you're smarting because of his comment. Who wouldn't? I'll bet that if your H and the OW had gotten into a "reality" relationship, the sex wouldn't have been any better or worse than it is between you and he. He is still in the Fog, hon. It clouds his judgment and his emotions. Still, that is NO excuse for him becoming violent.<P>Just for reference, my first husband (am married to H no. 2) also had an ongoing affair during the course of our entire marriage. When I found out, I reacted similarly - I cried my eyes out. He responded by pushing me off the bed onto a wood floor. I jammed my elbow so badly that it still "pops" when I straighten it to this day. He also slugged me in the eye and gave me a shiner. Needless to say, we are divorced. <P>Please rethink staying in this marriage, NoMoh. Your H needs serious help. Once a person begins physical abuse of that caliber, they rarely stop. They always find a way to justify their abuse. Please - get away, for your own health and safety. I say give your H back to the OW - let HER get popped in the eye! Believe me, if he abuses you, he will also abuse her eventually. <P>((hugs to you))<P>belldandy

My husband beat me up when I found out what was going on. It was like I was being punished for what he did. I had him arrested and put out. You do not need to take it. You can get a retraining order against him. That is up to you. You should however talk to a counsler that deals with domestic violence. If they hit you once they will hit you again. Each time it will get worst. He needs to get in anrger managment classes. As far as sex with the other women go. It was not better just different. Most likely, She did things you would not dream of. He seems like the type that has to use abuse when in argument. They think that it will make you see things their way. Please see a counsler. They will help you deal with it. <P><BR>Take Care

NoMoh..<P>I am very sorry with the situation you are going through. At this point, you must leave him with your children before the abuse gets worse. Is there family or friends that you can live with? Please seek help, Help is out there! Please Leave!<P>I am praying for you and your kids!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Please call the police and get a restraining order on him. He was hitting you in the affair, hit you now, you need someone to help you. This is not healthy for you or your children. Have the police waiting for him when he comes home from work today!

After giving some thought to what SueEllen said, I think I agree. Tell the police. Your H needs help, badly. If he even touched you or got in your face in anger or did *anything* to frighten you, you have just cause to do so. Abuse is abuse, be it through intimidation or through pysical contact. In many cases, the court will require a mandatory psych eval of your H and make him to anger management classes and other therapies. Please do this for you - if you file charges and he divorces you, big fat raspberries to that m*****r f****r, he was too far gone for anyone to help him in the first place.<P>Geez, this makes me mad! <P>belld

Cold as this sounds, I recommend you get pictures taken of your face. Should he ever have a chance to deny or argue anything, you'll need all the evidence you can have at your disposal. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Get out and get your children away from him. How long before he hits them too?

Thank you all for your quick responses. If I had read such a post from someone else my responses would be exactly as yours Belldandy, Mon, positivebryan and Sue Ellen. However, being in the midst of this trauma has me reeling.<P>I agree my husband needs help overcoming his anger. I grew up in a household where my Dad regularly beat up my mother. I was her protector. I said I would never allow this to happen to me and here it is happening to me.<P>We had a good marriage up till the affair and what triggers his abuse is talking about the affair. He is very angry at himself for causing so much pain, for being an adulterer. H has a lot of pride and for him to wear such a label is demoralizing for him.<P>All this being said, he had no right to hit me. He apologized profusely, said all the right things, tried to comfort me etc. I know, I sound like a typical battered wife. If I file a restraining order against him my marriage is over. Where is the problem in that you might ask? My children. What do I tell them. How can I explain to them that their Dad beat me up. What does this do to them. They have never seen their Dad raise his hand to me and I hope to God they never will.

Clarity,<P>You and I were posting at the same time. I know what I need to do in my brain but what my heart tells me is something else. <P>Pictures will do no good as I am dark skinned and my face looks fine. Only a doctor can determine that I have been hit. The swelling is not noticeable and you can only feel the heat of the beating if you were to lay your hand on my cheek.<P>Thanks for your support.

<B>If I file a restraining order against him my marriage is over. </B><BR>Not necessarily. He won’t improve on his own. Perhaps if he ends up in jail, it’ll give him some time to think and want to get some help.<P>Call the police.<P><B>What do I tell them. How can I explain to them that their Dad beat me up. What does this do to them</B><BR>Tell them the truth. Dad has a bad temper & he is not dealing with it & he needs some help.<P>This will help them to see that it is NOT acceptable to beat up someone NOR is it acceptable to put up with getting beat up.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How can I explain to them that their Dad beat me up. What does this do to them<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Would you rather someone have to explain why they are attending your funeral?<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited May 08, 2001).]

NoMoh,<P>I know you scared. I have been there. He did not divorce me for having him arrested. The man needs help. I went to a batterwomen shelter. They will take you through the steps. This dose not necessarily mean the end of your marriage. But, the man needs help. This might be the only way he will get help. He will tell that he is not like that. He is not the classic abuser. No he is not the classic abuser but he is abuser. You will make him mad. If you try to talk to about counseling he will not admit he needs help. He will say you make me hit you. You make me mad. Call a crisis line and talk to them or call your local police office and they will give you the number. I am telling you with out help it will get worse. He could kill you or seriously hurt you. Who will raise your children? Dose he have a drinking problem? <P>Please take care of yourself<P>

NoMoh,<P>I had a retraining order for thirty days. It gave him time to think about what he has done. The court will force him to get counseling. I do not know you religion. But I know that priest will talk to you too. You might feel more at ease starting there. He will also talk to you husband.

NoMoh,<BR>Don't think of all the things that might happen...Just get the kids, all important papers, cash, checkbook and a change of clothes and go to a safe place. That's all you have to do now. Just get to a safe place. The other stuff...restaining orders, counseling, ect will all come later. The important thing is safety. Do it now. This is the first and most important step. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it doesn't mean your marriage will end. You just need to be safe.<BR>If for some reason you can't leave, we will still be here for you, to listen and help in what ever way we can, but we cannot make you physically safe. <BR>If you decide you have to stay, please report on this board daily so we know you're alright.<BR>Prayers and courage coming your way.<BR>T

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>We had a good marriage up till the affair and what triggers his abuse is talking about the affair. He is very angry at himself for causing so much pain, for being an adulterer. H has a lot of pride and for him to wear such a label is demoralizing for him.<P>All this being said, he had no right to hit me. He apologized profusely, said all the right things, tried to comfort me etc. I know, I sound like a typical battered wife.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>NoMoh, believe me when I say that I am not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do, but I have worked in Law Enforcement for 10 years, and prior to that I was a social worker, and yes you do sound very much like a typical battered wife. I am going to have to tell you the same thing that I have told countless women over the years, and yes I am going to be blunt........You have come up with all the typical excuses and rationalizations for why he abused you, and deep down you know that they are not only not valid, they are BULLS***!!! Being angry at himself or having to wear the label of adulterer is <B>NOT</B> a valid reason to hit you, and you know it, so stop making excuses. You have gotten the correct advice from everyone here........<B>CALL THE POLICE</B> and <B>FILE A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REPORT</B>. Do not file an Assault & Battery Complaint, file a <B>DOMESTIC VIOLENCE</B> complaint. <P>I know that you love your husband, and that's ok, beating you up isn't ok. Yes, your husband will have to go to counseling, yes your husband will initially be upset with you, yes there will be a period of seperation, but if you love him and want to continue to be married to him, and have a happy, healthy family, then your husband is going to have to realize that he has a problem and then get help for it. NoMoh, you will have a say in any court proceedings, request Domestic Violence therapy, not any of that anger management stuff, but specifically Domestic Violence, they are entirely two different issues. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>If I file a restraining order against him my marriage is over. Where is the problem in that you might ask? My children. What do I tell them. How can I explain to them that their Dad beat me up. What does this do to them. They have never seen their Dad raise his hand to me and I hope to God they never will. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>NoMoh, I know that this is a scary time in your life, but for your children's sake, please follow the advice that you have been given today, it will help your children in the long run. I don't know if you have boys, but it had been my experience that if the abuse continues, boys will do what they feel that they have to in order to protect their mothers, and many times, the end results have not been pretty. It is better to go through a little pain now, rather than go through a lot of pain later, namely a funeral.<P>Be strong NoMoh, do what you know you have to.<p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited May 08, 2001).]

<B>GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE NOW</B><P>I take abuse issues <B>VERY, VERY</B> SERIOUSLY, and <B>NoMoh</B>, you are a woman who is being <B>abused</B>.<P>Do not <B>wait</B> to see if it gets better. Go <B>TODAY</B>... file a police report, have a doctor examine you (esp. if, as you say, your dark skin hides the bruises -- all the more reason to get professional advice/help <B>NOW</B>).<P>This is <B>extreemly urgent</B> and as <B>WhoDat</B> and <B>FA</B> alluded to, the next time you might not be around to talk about it.<P>I know it's scary, but it <B>must be done</B>... PLEASE, GET HELP!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 08, 2001).]

NoMoh<P>You have two options:<P>1. Make excuses and accept this behavior which will practically guarentee repeat beatings. You are reinforcing that it is acceptable.<P>2. Call the police now. File a restraining order. Get this loser out of your life. There is no marriage in the presence of abuse.

Ok, I'm going to basically give you the same advice the others did.<P>I know how hard it is to accept that your marriage is bad. I know this because I've lived thru the same things you have. My X used to beat me on a fairly regular basis. I have an injury to my shoulder because of it. I'm sorry to say that in most cases, it doesn't get better. It only gets progressively worse. <P>We can't change them and make them see that you don't treat people like that. We can only keep ourselves safe. I wish I had done that several years ago instead of living thru it with 3 children for almost 11 years. <P>You won't have to worry about telling your chilren. They probably already know. My kids knew. Sometimes because they saw it and other times because they just figured it out on their own.<P>Please don't be afraid. I was scared to death of being on my own but almost a year ago, I got a job that I love, and I've been promoted twice. I'm doing better financially on my own than I was when my X lived here. You can do it!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Hello Nomoh<BR>((((((((hugs)))))) <BR>the physical pain gets better long before the psychological pain goes away my dear.<BR>My h did something quite similiar when his a's where discovered. He had never been physcially abusive in our marriage, and it caught me totally off guard. <BR>This kind of behavior is totally unacceptable and I knew I was not going to have my kids exposed to it. (My h was raised in a house where the father battered the mother. Foreign territory to me) I insisted that he go to anger management. He did not go at first, so I left for a couple days. He went. He also went to a refresher course. I am not saying it did a whole lot of good to his general termperment, but he has not laid a hand on me since.<BR>A restraining order would not have helped me at the time, nor would it have encouraged him to seek treatment. It would have made things worse for our situation. One thing that has really helped us is to establish boundaries and stick to them. <BR>Believe me I am not trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation at all, especially since he has hit you before. He needs anger control help. <BR>((((((((hugs)))))))) cl

I must say I am overwhelmed by your responses. I am shaking as I am writing this and I want to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to write to me and encourage me to do the right thing.<P>mon, Twyla, F A, new_beginning, engineer_bob, Mitzi and cl I will take your advice under consideration. My H was not abusive before the affair. We had a good marriage-not great as why would he have had an affair. <P>Last night I told him if he were to ever hit me again that I would file a restraining order against him and file for divorce. I was very serious and he said it would never happen again. I told him that he needed therapy for his anger and he agreed to think about it. He was very apologetic and said he would never ever hit me again. I am going to give him one more chance.<P>I thank you all for your advice. I know I am not following your advice but I do appreciate your care and concern. This is a great place for people to come to. I have not told my family what is happening and they do not live anywhere near me. I have a great job and will be able to get away and take care of myself and the kids if it ever came down to that. My manager at my job is aware of my domestic situation and is very supportive and concerned.<P>I will give daily updates as suggested by Twyla. This alien that has invaded my gentle caring husband is not giving up that easily.<P>N