I sent an email to a friend of mine who is currently having an affair. People here know that ES and I have been trying to help her and her husband. This email that I sent to her was a couple of conversations between ES and this friend. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to send this email, but thought maybe if she reread some of the conversations between ES and herself, it might bring her out of her fog and she would consider ending her affair. Maybe those conversations should have been sent by ES and not me. I now realize that it was a mistake<P>The friend responded basically by saying butt out I don't want to talk to you about it. With this response, I've decided that I'm not going to email her for awhile. I feel that if she wants to continue with her affair and shut her friends out then it is her loss not mine. It just hurts that she doesn't seem to care about her friends and family.<P>Just thought everyone should know.<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited May 09, 2001).]

hopeful,<P>Although it's very commendable of you to try to help your friend---it should come as no surprise whatsoever. This behavior is par for the course. Support the husband, and when she's ready to come back to the marriage, you can pick up with the wife.<P>Sorry---it'd be nice if they'd actually LISTEN instead of having to learn it all for themselves.<BR>

K<P>According to her email, she can't trust anyone. I feel that this is just her way to continue with the affair. I might not understand what she is going through and maybe it was a mistake on my part to even try. When I try and fail, then my self esteem goes to hell. Maybe I should just give up on life itself right now because that's the way she made me feel with her email. That I'm not a good enough friend.<P>I guess maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself because ES is better at talking to people than I am<P>

Don't beat yourself up...<P>...as <B>K</B> said... very admirable on you part.<P>Never feel bad for trying to do good!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Hopeful,<P>You did such a good job!!<P>You *know* where her head is right now -- remember? <P>Don't take it personally, okay?? You did really well, remember that!!<P>Hugs, Sheryl

I'm not sure if I did a well. I sent her a couple of conversations that she had with ES. She didn't realize that ES had saved the conversations. After she got them from me, she got mad at ES. Now he is upset with me because I sent them to her.<P>I know I didn't do a good job on this one. Why do I always manage to really mess things up not only in my life, but my H's life, my D's life and the life of my friends.

ooohhh, well... maybe you shouldn't have sent those emails (since they were private between she and ES), but what's done is done.<P>You did try to do the right thing, and your heart was CERTAINLY in the right place.<P>Don't be so hard on yourself... the world has enough sadness without beating ourselves up!!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I sent her a couple of conversations that she had with ES. She didn't realize that ES had saved the conversations. After she got them from me, she got mad at ES. Now he is upset with me because I sent them to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, I guess that I need to respond here.<P>When I got home tonight, I asked hopeful what she had said to this friend, and told her that this friend was pretty upset with me for telling hopeful "anything". I did not say, nor am I upset with hopeful. I wish she had checked with me first, but that is all.<P>. . .As for our friend . . . I really don't know what to do or say myself. This friend has been avery good friend in the past, and as a result of her A, I can't help but feel that our friendship is dying. I know that she will deny this, but she used to come to me a lot, many times it was every day at work in order to talk.<P>I saved and sent home two (2) of those conversations because I kept getting the third degree from hopeful about EXACTLY what was said between this friend and I.<P>Anyway, from the day that this friend decided that she was going to continue her A regardless of what anyone said, she has almost completely stopped talking with me. Even if there is caused for us to talk professionally, those conversations have been VERY SHORT.<P>Well, anyway . . . I just wanted to respond.<P>God Bless

hopeful and ES: Your attempts to help your friend see the light are well-appreciated by those of us who wish that our spouses' friends had cared enough to do it in our cases.<P>hopeful, remember that the only failure is in not trying at all. You cared enough to try and it didn't work. That's ok and is only a reflection of the fog that this woman is in. Please don't blame yourself. You did what you could - ES has done what he can. The rest MUST be up to your friend.<P>That fog is thick and heavy ... sometimes people cannot see anything or hear anything at all through it.<P>I am grateful that there are people like you and ES who have the courage to stand up and say "this is wrong - please don't do this!" when it comes to infidelity. Too many people simply look the other way, and by doing so, express silent approval.<P><B><I>Thank you!</I></B><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

hopeful,<P>You did the best you could under the circumstances. Kudos to you for actually having the courage to say something about it! In the past year, I have had to prune the vines of friendship with respect to a woman I'd known for a long time - the sister of my best friend. She is a serial adultress. I cannot even begin to count the number of EMRs with MM she has had. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings for her. She seemed to be a nice person on some levels. But I was repulsed when she'd brag about her relationships. Many times she had EMRs with the husbands of friends or acquaintances. Once she made a pass at her own brother-in-law. I walked in at a party to see her kissing one of my boyfriends (this was when I was single) and another boyfriend told me that she came on to him hard and heavy and refused to take "no" for an answer. I shrugged it off both times. She had an EMR with her newly-married stepbrother (ewwww!) and one with a MM with a small child and a new baby at the same time she was sleeping with an intravenous IV drug user - without protection. <P>I finally reached my wit's end with her. There is nothing you can do about a person like that except leave them alone and pray that they won't hurt anyone.<P>Just know that you tried to do the right thing. You gave a very clear message to your friend that her behavior isn't right. If I were you, I would distance myself from her until she comes to her senses. It's one thing to try and support a friend with real problems and quite another to support someone who makes problems for themselves.<P>belld

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopeful1771:<BR><B>I'm not sure if I did a well. I sent her a couple of conversations that she had with ES. She didn't realize that ES had saved the conversations. After she got them from me, she got mad at ES. Now he is upset with me because I sent them to her.<P>I know I didn't do a good job on this one. Why do I always manage to really mess things up not only in my life, but my H's life, my D's life and the life of my friends.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sorry you are feeling low, Hopeful. Like Belldandy said, you did your best. You have your way and others have their way of doing things. We all serve a purpose and all are important. <P>Take the part of the body analogy. I might be a finger and you might be an eye. I might think that you are more important, but if I don't contribute the body suffers and cannot function as well. Does that make sense? <P>I hope you are feeling better. You have been given some good encouragement and advice, I hope you can "hear" what they are saying. You are such a sweet lady. Hang in there.<P>Thinking of you....