My parents are coming to town (from 10 hours away) for 5 days, starting Saturday. My wife (WS) is giving me the kids a day early, on Saturday, so they can see their grandparents. Only sane thing she has done lately. She won't face my parents, no surprise. She asked if I'm bringing the kids to her place on Sunday, because it is Mother's Day. I said I wasn't sure, that I hadn't thought about it. I planned on bringing a plant or something to her when I get the kids Saturday. She immediately did her patented "huuhhhhgg, well it is Mothers day!" (snappy, disgusted tone). I didn't even have time to react. I think that I LBd though because earlier in the conversation, I mentioned I might try and see her Mom Sunday, then when she asked if I planned on bringing the kids by, I said I wasn't sure. The way we talked before, she wasn't going go anywhere near my parents, so I kind of had it in my mind that I'll see her on Wednesday, when she gets the kids back.<P>Do you think it is rather obligatory that I do this, or is it part of life being separated that she not expect it. I can't assess it without bias, because we just had a conversation regarding raising the kids, where she attributes all whiny behavior to anything but the impact of being separated. I have to bite my tongue really hard not to lash out and say what the heck did you expect. She suggested I put them to bed too late, and asked about manners, saying why don't I make them put their dishes in the sink.<P>Well, I guess I take offence to any parenting suggestions from her at this point, because she doesn't even find it necessary to properly restrain the kids in her car. 3 year olds seat is always loose, unless I tighten it. She was telling someone lately that she has high morals for raising children, and an example was she makes the kids put their plates in the sink. She abandoned them for months, let them bake all over the house while writing love letters, takes them to her baseball games and they run around the parking lot, and the two weeknights she gets them, she always has a group of people over. Rushes them off to bed with all kinds of laughing and yelling going on downstairs. She ignores the important things (love and attention) and focuses on something like plates in the sink.<P>I just want to lash out at her and give her a piece of my mind, but of course I can't do that. How do I deal with her minor criticisms and her attitude while she is blatantly focused on herself and her friends and OM?<P>What about the mothers day thing? What is the etiquette when you have the kids. Any suggestion to recover from LB?<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited May 11, 2001).]

Hey Rick! That's a tough one, that's for sure. I would be inclined to let her see the kids on Sunday, at least for a little while. Maybe even deposit some love units by bringing the plant to her for Mother's Day. She may not see them as love units right away, but at least they'll be in the reserve account for when she does.<P>As for the parenting issues, you know that she's going to blame your children's behavior on anything and everything but her actions. I know it's really hard, but try to not react to the accusations. You know that you are doing a damn good job as a father, and I'm sure your kids see it too even though they are young.<P>The fog is still very thick, and you are doing a great job. We're all here for you....

Rick:<P>When in doubt, do the nice thing.

Thanks for the quick advice. I called her to do some damage control, and said we'd be by Sunday AM. I also said I was swamped at work when you called, and she replied "well, something was wrong obviously". Truth is, the something that was wrong is listening to her ridiculous attitude and lies and not LBing all over the place.<P>Anyway, the funniest thing was I said we'll be over at 10 AM Sunday AM. I thought we'd take her out for an ice cream or something, and I'd give the kids money to pay for her (Mother's Day thing). Well, that wasn't simple enough. Here is what happened:<P>Her: Oh, I might be at the gym.<BR>Me: Oh, you go to the gym now?<BR>Her: Yes, every day.<BR>Me: Which gym are you going to?<BR>Her: Well, that is a long story. Whichever one is free.<BR>Me: (thinking, here we go again, lies...everything is free these days). Going to the gym isn't free.<BR>Her: Well, sometimes I go with my friend Chris, and he goes at 6AM, so I can get in free if I go with him.<BR>Her: (rambling)..but I also have alot of free passes from clients, so I go to another one sometimes, but usually early as well.<BR>Me: (had to interject)...OK, is Sunday at 10 OK or not. <BR>Her: Well, what about tomorrow morning.<P>Aaaahhhhhh: that was what I first indicated, but it wasn't good enough until I mention coming Sunday AM.<P>Me: Well, you wanted to see the kids Sunday, so I'm suggesting Sunday at 10.<BR>Her: Yeah, all I want is a hug from them on Mothers day.<BR>Me: OK, then 10 Sunday is OK?<BR>Her: Yeah, I guess so.<P>Translation: she probably doesn't know if she can be back from OMs that early. Must have a plan.

Once again today, I agree with K (of course you knew this, so in a way, K really agrees with me). K only agreed with me once officially, so he owes me at least two.<P>The gym thing is classic. Maybe you should tell her that you've been thinking of joining one; which does she recommend? Then say that you may try out several - early in the morning also, "so maybe I'll see you there?"<P>Dave

Rick,<P>You did well. <P><BR>Liked Wat's idea about the gym. You could ask her which gym's did the free thing or is it only in the early mornings, etc....<P>but you are right she can't figure out how to get home in time from OM's<P><BR>Enjoy yout time with your parents, your kids, & give those grandmas a GReat Mother's Day

Dear Rick,<P>You've brought me out of hiding! The books on custody that I've read suggest parents agree that Moms get them on Mom's day and Dads get them on Dad's day and same with your respective birthdays. It was supposed to be my H's weekend with the kids, but he asked about Mother's Day and I suggested we split the weekend because Father's Day falls on my weekend so we'll split that weekend too.<P>I can totally empathize with your comments about the WS blaming the kids' abnormal behavior on anything but the WS's actions. You see what you want to see. My almost 3 year old won't go to bed in his crib when he comes home from H's because he wants to sleep with me in my bed. He doesn't do this when he's with me all day. Go figure!<P>The dishes in the sink is a classic. The kids could turn out to be deviants and school shooters, but they'd be moral ones given those dishes in the sink! Boy do those kids need you in a big, big way. You hang tough for them!

Rick,<P>About your kids, how this affects them, I don't know much about the younger kids but go read my threads from the past few wks about my OS, then you will see how this affects them.<P>My YS last yr when his dad & I were not living together, was a whinny brat but it could had the been the insane schedule we were doing as the result of my job & his brother's after school commitments. M YS was never home except on weekends. This yr with both parents here (when dad is not traveling): a set schedule, lots of time to play my YS is back to the boy that could charm his way out of nest of rattlesnakes or I guess cobras. When I doubt what I have done because of OS, I then look to my YS & see why it has been good.<P>The LB fairie would love to open your W's eyes.<P>I know many of us have hard time with car seats, when you are changing them back & forth between cars & such but if this is a hazard take some photos, you may need them later.<P>you are doing a good job

Thanks. Part of me would want to explore the gym thing, but I just don't have the mental desire to play along with any of this. It is so silly.<P>Exhausted: Glad you came out of hiding. Any update from you? Perhaps much like me....status quo...another day, same stuff? My wife didn't even ask for them on Sunday. It is supposed to be her day (till Monday), but every one of her Sundays since separation, I've gotten them. She does it under the illusion that she should work, but she's gone in for 20 minutes before and left....off with OM.<P>She took them away on my birthday. She just doesn't care about much. Very frustrating to deal with. She sent the kids to the babysitter last week on a cold day with shorts and t-shirts. The babysitter asked me if I could look after bringing extra clothes as required because my wife is too unreliable. Never remembers sunscreen either. The babysitter just shakes her head. She told my wife that her car seat was too loose, and that my son needs a booster seat, and wife just snapped at her and said the police said it was OK. Sure.<P>She is bizarre.<P><BR>

Dear Rick,<P>I'm replying twice in one night, but you know that children always strike a chord with me. I surely hope that you are documenting everything about your W's "care" of the children. If the worst happens and you need to decide on permanent custody, you would seem to have a lot of evidence why you should have the kids a lot more than her. Not because of her A or your desire for revenge or anything like that, but because of real concern for the kids' well-being. <P>Her behavior would drive me crazy! You are surely a saint to still be hanging in there. I have no good news to report, but maybe I'll do an update soon to relieve some stress if nothing else.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick37:<BR><B>She took them away on my birthday. She just doesn't care about much. Very frustrating to deal with. She sent the kids to the babysitter last week on a cold day with shorts and t-shirts. The babysitter asked me if I could look after bringing extra clothes as required because my wife is too unreliable. Never remembers sunscreen either. The babysitter just shakes her head. She told my wife that her car seat was too loose, and that my son needs a booster seat, and wife just snapped at her and said the police said it was OK. Sure.<P>She is bizarre.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Rick, I hope that you are keeping track of what all the babysitter says, I believe you have mentioned before things she has said. It might come in handy down the road. I would hate for you to end up with less time with your kids, if worse comes to worse.<P><BR>

I don't have what people say all documented, but if they had to come to court, I'm sure that would help. I assume writing it down would be my word against anyone elses anyway, so the best I could do it hope I'd have people to testify in court, which I don't think would be a problem.<P>I have a journal of her comings and goings but only up till she left.

Rick,<P>I have the same situation. It's my week with the kids starting tomorrow. There is no doubt in my mind on how I'm going to handle it. I'm spending time with my wife, let her spend time with the kids, and even going to my mother-in-law's. It will be followed up later with a visit to my mother. Like you, my wife will not face her. Everyone, including my wife, gets cards.<P>That's my story and I'm stickin' to it...

At first I was thinking, if you want the kids on F day, then let her have M day. But the impression i got was that she wasn't sure if she wanted them, or she wants them when it is convenient to her.<P>I don't know the ages of your girls but I try to look at it thru their eyes. They know what M day is. It is the day you spend with mom saying/doing i love you things and thanks for being there. How are the girls going to feel if the M or D doens't "want" the kids on that special day. I think that would be devastating to them. Mommy doesn't want to spend time with you today or Daddy won't let you spend time with mommy on her special day. Just a thought to think about. <P>Son's bday is also tomorrow. It is not that I don't want H to see son BUT I know how difficult it is for son right now to just see dad for an hour and then leave. It is devastating for him. I don't think I will let H see son tomorrow.<P>Hopelessmom

Rick, a journal documenting what people have said about your wife's care and responses to their concerns would be stronger than just "your word against hers" because you would have dates and times and people listed there. If support for these things were to be needed, a lawyer could contact those people for statements or to actually testify.<P>Also journaling her lack of 'cooperation' with the custodial issues could help you if it came down to the wire. Documenting dates and times and details of incidents gives you the upper hand.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Got my cards, and two shirts for my wife from my kids.<P>terri: I'm restarting my journal of information. Thanks for the kick.<P>Tried to arrange coming to see wife at 10 AM Mother's Day...no dice. She'd "prefer afternoon", around 2 PM. In other words, won't be home, and seeing the kids isn't important to alter whatever plan she has. I can do that, but morning was better because of my parents schedule while they are visiting.