<BR>I am so angry at my H today! We went out with our 2 best friends last night (it was a blind date for them). We have all been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. My H took a muscle relaxer before we went out, drank alcohol, and passed out as soon as we got home. The plan was to come back to our house after dinner for a comfortable atmosphere for them to get to know each other better. We were all uncomfortable because H went to bed as soon as we got home. <P>Besides making all of us angry for that, he said several rude things while we were all out together. He said some things that were rude about me and some things about my BF. He was in his "do whatever to be one up" mode. <P>He has a class today that he planned without checking the calendar to notice that is Mother's Day. He just had his lunch break and didn't bother to call me to say, "Happy Mother's Day." He didn't get me anything from him or our boys for MD. <P>I found out last night while we were out that he has joined 2 softball leagues for the summer. So he will be gone every Monday and Tuesday. Monday's I have my business meetings and I will now have to hire a babysitter every week. Games are often not over until 11:00 p.m., so there is 2 nights a week that we cannot spend any time together. Plus, Monday was his night with the kids (so glad he can so easily give up his time with our sons).<P>I am resenting that he said he no longer wants to read HNHN. He said it was stressing him too much because he is such a perfectionist. He felt like he was constantly counting theoritical love units and wondering if he was love busting. Well he sure as H*** is love busting today. <P>I know that some of you may not know my story. I am BS. D-Day March 26. H had an EA and says it never went any further.(?) I lurk pretty often, but don't write much. I felt like we were doing pretty well in recovery, but right now I am looking at his thoughtlessness over the last couple of months and being very angry at him.<P>Sorry to rant. I hope some of you can offer me some kind of explanation for his terrible attitude.<P>I am thinking of packing up the kids and leaving for the rest of the day. I will come home tonight when it is bed time for the boys, but not until then and I will not answer my cell phone IF he calls. I am sure that would be a love buster, but I feel like I need to make a point of how mean he is being.<P>Thanks for listening!<BR>Window<p>[This message has been edited by window (edited May 13, 2001).]

Hi window,<P>As for an explanation for your husband's behavior, I would have to say selfishness, insensitivity, thoughtlessness, etc.<P>My advice is to tell him the things that he has done recently that bother you and explain WHY they bother you. Try to do it in a calm, nonjudgemental way. Discuss some compromises and try to come to an agreement. Then give him a chance to make it right.<P>None of this is easy, but allowing these things that bother you to build up is sure to cause an explosion that will benefit no one. I should know because I have done that often enough!<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Hi window,<P>I'm sorry your mother's day was not what you would have hoped. I hope you are managing to have some fun anyway.<P>I think peppermint had some good thoughts for you. Your H needs to know how you feel about his behavior, as long as you can do so without disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, etc.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by window:<BR><B><BR>I found out last night while we were out that he has joined 2 softball leagues for the summer. So he will be gone every Monday and Tuesday. Monday's I have my business meetings and I will now have to hire a babysitter every week. Games are often not over until 11:00 p.m., so there is 2 nights a week that we cannot spend any time together. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>Any chance that you can have the sitter both nights and join one league (if coed) or watch him, or join him after your meeting? Seems like recreation is important to him and it would be good if you can join him, even tho right now the sporting event you'd like is boxing with your H as the opponent .<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I am resenting that he said he no longer wants to read HNHN. He said it was stressing him too much because he is such a perfectionist. He felt like he was constantly counting theoritical love units and wondering if he was love busting.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I'm pretty well open-mouthed at this explanation. <P>Is he agreeable in principle with POJA? Certainly not much of what he has done has indicated any commitment to it. Anyway, seems like you do really need to communicate to him how things are making you feel. Just don't hit him with it all at once. Maybe you can set up a regular time to discuss your relationship.<P>Best wishes,<P>Steve

Thank you Peppermint and Steve. I don't know when we will be able to talk about these things. He is already asleep tonight. Tomorrow meeting. . . I did explode a little tonight when he was sitting down watching t.v. while I tried to get the boys ready for bed, get the dogs in and fed, etc. I asked him to get his shoes and he got mad. That pretty much blew it for me. I told him I was angry that he was sitting around while I was frantically trying to get everyone taken care of.<P>Steve, the softball teams are not coed (he hates coed teams-not exciting enough). I usually do go to all of his games (when they are not on Monday), but it's not very quality time. I usually take our boys because they love to play with the other kids and watch Daddy play ball. So when I say that is more time apart, I guess I mean we will be there on Tuesdays, but it is not time spent together. <P>He doesn't know about the POJA. He won't read the book and doesn't want to talk about it either. I try not to bring up anything that will bother him because I don't want to LB. It just hit me today that I am a walking time bomb. I have been denying it but there it is.<P>gotta go.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by window:<BR><B><BR>He doesn't know about the POJA. He won't read the book and doesn't want to talk about it either. I try not to bring up anything that will bother him because I don't want to LB. It just hit me today that I am a walking time bomb. I have been denying it but there it is.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Sounds like you're being wise and fairly perceptive about both where he is and where you are emotionally. I don't remember for certain just how long you've known about the MB concepts, but I'm thinking it's not that long. You may just need more time in Plan A to reach him.<P>The problem is, we all have our limits, and you are wise to be aware of yours. It sounds like you're going to have a hard time getting a lot out of him right now, but is he willing to make some effort to avoid LBing and meet ENs? If so, limit what you ask of him now to a few things that have the most potential to build his balance in your Love Bank. Somehow you need to find ways to get recharged so you don't want to quit trying.<P>Vent here and lean on friends and family. You might also consider MB phone counseling just for you to get help with strategy--I've heard that Steve Harley is really good at figuring out how much you have left, and he or Jennifer Chalmers might be able to help with your Plan A.<P>Anyway, keep posting and trying.<P>Steve<BR>

Sorry you had such a disappointing Mother's Day - I think a lot of us were in the same boat today! The only way I can console myself is that my WH 'forgot' his own Mother's birthday last week too (even though I kept reminding him), and ended up having to call his sister to ask if she could buy and write out a card on his behalf!!! Then he got quite miffed when he found out that I had sent her a bouquet of flowers from me and our girls!!<P>The only advice I can give you is to try not to 'expect'. I KNEW that my WH wouldn't bother to organise gifts and cards from our daughters for Mother's Day, so I wasn't too disappointed. I know that my daughters appreciate me, and they had drawn me pictures and made cards and gifts all by themselves, which was very sweet.<P>As for his views on HNHN - in some ways I can see his point because I'm always wondering how my balance is doing and whether I've managed to get in any 'deposits' recently - and it can be a strain. I found myself searching the internet for his favourite soccer teams latest score, just so I could use it as another little deposit when I next saw him! The thing is - he doesn't really have to be interested in HNHN, or in 'Surviving an Affair', or any of the other books and theories, because they will still work even if just one partner is using them. This will make you feel like you're the only one interested in improving your relationship, the only one whose making any effort or doing any work, and this will make you angry. Try and accept it for now, come here to vent your anger and keep going with Plan A. It may be that things are just getting on top of him again, or he's having a few 'down' days, and once the pressure is off and he's feeling happier, he'll be able to come back to the books and work with you again. Hope things get better soon,<BR>hugs, Paint

window -<P>Here's something to make you feel better: my H staggered in this morning at three a.m. after being at a strip bar. I found him in the laundry room peeling off his clothes because he allegedly got sprayed with perfume at the strip joint. Ha-ha-ha. I guess I was supposed to think that was funny.<P>It *can* be worse - sorry you had such a bad day, hon. Sometimes having expectations of the ones we love is a b*tch.<P>((hugs))<P>belldandy

A good thing to do when we are angry and feeling like single parents within our marriages is to take that frustration to the Lord and ask Him to deal with it. Once we cast our cares on Him, it is no longer our problem. I know it's difficult when there are chores to be done and we need help, but that is the time to take MORE TIME OUT TO PRAY--the more we have to do and the busier we are. We give our families our best because we want to serve God and be pleasing to HIM. <P>I once read that the most important 15 minutes in prayer come after we say amen. We need wisdom on how to deal with these relationships. God made us and He knows how to get to us. He knows how we need to communicate in order to get through to each other. We have the resources of heaven at our disposal!<P>Some problems do not get solved in one season, they take time, not that time has anything to do with our healing. If time healed all wounds, then God would be unnecessary. WE NEED GOD. Perhaps that is why the fruit of God's love is patience. (Love endures long and is patient and kind.)<P>He knew we would be going through the problems that we are going through today. Our problems are no surprise to Him. He can handle them if we take them to him, drop them off and leave them there. We can't handle life's problems!<P>Let God be God. Let Him fix what is wrong with us and our mates. In the meantime, we have kids to raise and households to run and jobs to do and people to share His love with. Believe it or not, no matter how bad we think our problems are, there are people with even worse problems. We need to find them and reach out to them. That is where the real healing comes.<P>I once read this question and it made me think because to this day, I have not been able to answer yes: "Have you ever held a person in your arms who was dying of AIDS?" The world is not lacking in those who are in worse circumstances than we are, although, the enemy and self-pity would have us to believe so.<P>Cheer up for a minute, all. We serve the God Who has overcome the world. He lives on the inside of us. He can be as big as we allow Him to be (inside of us), or we can limit Him to our circumstances.<P>By faith, we are children of the King. I have heard this famous funny quote and I would like to share it with you, "How can we have authority over demons when we don't even have authority over a sink-full of dirty dishes?" Well, how much bigger is God than our situation? We have to ask ourselves because if we truly serve Him--if WE go down, HE goes down... & He ain't going down!

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling better today. When I said I had to go last night it was because my H came up behind me and was reading my post. He started asking what I was writing about and I told him I didn't think he wanted to talk about it. He said that he did want to talk about it and as calmly as possible, I told him the things that were bothering me. <P>I tried to limit what I said to immediate things that he could solve a little more easily, i.e. softball. He cannot get out of either of the leagues for this summer because there wouldn't be enough players if he wasn't playing. So we brainstormed and did decide that we would pay the babysitter on Mondays (my mom takes care of our kids often, but I don't want to put this every Monday thing on her). After my meetings I will go to the game. Tuesdays I will take our boys with me. <P>I know things could be worse. I know he's not out drinking or messing around with women. I did figure out that I was more than just a little PMSing yesterday. I am sure that had a lot to do with how angry I was getting. He is completely sorry that he didn't realize that I was getting so upset. <P>You're right, Steve, I haven't been on MB too long. D-Day 3/26/01 (found MB that day). Thanks for the encouragement. It's nice to hear that someone thinks I am doing the right thing. You are always so nice and supportive here. I really appreciate that!<P>You are also right, Paintbox. I understand that he doesn't need to read HNHN for it to work. It's just that when I first found out about the EA he said he would do whatever it took to keep me. I really just asked for him to read SAA and HNHN and follow those principles. So, he is kind of weanying out on his promise. I know we cannot afford counseling, so I feel that we are doing the next best thing by following Dr. Harley's advice and the least he could do is read it with me. I, too, can relate to it causing stress while counting love units and such. I am constantly thinking about it, but the difference is that I feel that it is worth it if my marriage gets better. <P>BTDT, I do turn to God often, but not often enough. I know that I need to work on my relationship with Him. I tend to "forget" to lean on Him. I realize that when I get down I just need to pick up my Bible and have time with the Lord. Thanks for reminding me. <P>Belldandy, (((((((hug)))))))! I am sorry your H did that. That was pretty stinky. I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday. My birthday stunk this year (the big 30) as it does every year because he never does anything for it. Then Mother's Day comes along and he was gone, so I was just down in the dumps.<P>Take care all!<BR>Window

That was a nice way to handle things. Let the thoughtless spouse pay for the natural consequenes of the error. I think you might also make sure that he is responsible for finding the babysitter (paying is usually easier) and if your mom babysits, doing something for her in return. Not aggressively but by just saying that being constantly responsible for babysitting arrangements stresses you out, could he take care of the Monday night arrangements and be responsible for kids by missing the game (or taking them with him if they are old enough) in case of a breakdown.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by window:<BR><B><P>I tried to limit what I said to immediate things that he could solve a little more easily, i.e. softball. He cannot get out of either of the leagues for this summer because there wouldn't be enough players if he wasn't playing. So we brainstormed and did decide that we would pay the babysitter on Mondays (my mom takes care of our kids often, but I don't want to put this every Monday thing on her). After my meetings I will go to the game. Tuesdays I will take our boys with me. <P>Window </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Window,<P>you might find the following thread helpful, as it deals with do-it-yourself recovery<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002821-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002821-2.html</A> go down to K's post, some great advice, & even if you could only do a one time session with either of the Harley's it might be helpful<P>Then there is this great thread by Oneday, truly one of the best posts ever<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002839-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002839-2.html</A> <P>good luck to you<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 15, 2001).]

Thank you Katie and Sing. <P>Katie, my kids are 17 months and 4 yrs. We trust very few people to watch them. We only have 1 babysitter we use besides our moms. So, your idea is a good one, but it's not a big choice for us. Plus, I called her yesterday afternoon and arranged the 2 months of Mondays. H did promise that in the future his prerequisite to playing softball for someone would be that he cannot play on Mondays.<P>Sing, thank you for the threads. I will look at them. I just lost my babysitting job, but have a couple of good prospects. I will bring up the session with the Harley's when I get my next paycheck It will probably be more openly received at that point. <P>Have a good day!<BR>Window<P>2 softball games to attend tonight!

Glad you like the sites. Hope they help.<P>Know what you mean about babysitters, no one but people from my church ever watched my kids. <P>good luck. sounds as if you are on the right track. Remember your H will not know something is bothering you if you don't tell him, just don't do it in an LB way. <P>Good luck getting another job.