Hi guys,<BR>It's me again. It is a good thing to be really in touch with what makes us angry. AND have it be openly exposed so that God can heal it. So what it sounds like you are saying is that you both have changed in your marriage. You are not what you were when you fell in love with them and they have changed too. Further, the affairs have made you (understandably) bitter. <P>At some point, we have to forgive ourselves for making bad mistakes. If our love for ourselves is tainted with so much anger, our love for others will be tainted, esp. toward our kids or unsaved loved ones.<P>By allowing our men to treat us like dirt, just because we "love" them, we are teaching them how to keep treating us and we send a message to our kids saying this is how to treat women! By allowing them to treat us like dirt, we are saying that it's okay. God didn't create us to be treated like dirt. The bible says we are 'crowns' to our husbands, that's regardless of what we feel or act like.<P>If we allow men to keep hurting us, we are being codependent. We are enabling them to keep hurting us. What is so sick about us that we stay in sick relationships? What is so (mentally) unhealthy about us--YOU and ME--that we allow ourselves to be emotionally abused? Please think about this!!!! There is something really unhealthy about US individually, that we would remain in unhealthy relationships where we are being abused.<P>The love of Jesus in a man requires the man to lay down his life for his woman, just the way Jesus laid down His life for the church. A husband should be loving his wife sacrificially, redemptively--covering her mistakes, and unconditionally... These basic requirements for a husband's love are God's way of saying what type of love a wife DESERVES to have.<P>I think we all agree that we can't change our husbands so we have to start with ourselves. We have to be willing to give up all the anger and bitterness. It is a snare to our souls. It taints our ability to love ourselves. How can we 'do unto others,' or love others as we love ourselves if we don't even love ourselves? If we can't get unconditional love from our husbands, then we have to be willing to give it to ourselves. Then, at least we can then be free to allow God to give His unconditional love through us. (Give, and it shall be given...) We are valuable and precious to God and He doesn't want us miserable. We're on our way to heaven, we may as well start enjoying the trip!<P>Our circumstances can stink but we don't have to allow stinky circumstances to dictate our attitudes. I know this sounds strange, but try worshipping and singing your favorite praise songs right in the middle of the most miserable time--like when your husband leaves or comes home late without a word. <P>Praise and worship confuses the enemy. He likes to control us by stinky circumstances. When we worship God, we are showing the spirit world that our focus is not on what is going on around us, but on The One Who has the ability to change it all. Praise releases angels to work on our behalf. It's a decision that starts on the inside of us. Faith is not knowing all the answers. Faith is trusting God. Trusting God means we don't know what we are going to do from moment to moment. Just keep trusting God and He'll give us the answers we need one moment at a time.<P>Forget about yesterday and don't wonder about tomorrow. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Faith pleases God and faith works by love. We are worth the shed Blood of God's only Son. That's pretty valuable! That's who we are! That's what we are worth to God.

Hey,BINthereDUNthat read your post first thing.All I can say is AMEN!When I first learned of wife's A I fasted and prayed for 3 days.Some strange stuff happened and is still happening.The lord does work in mistryious ways.Wish he could teach me to spell! LOL!Thanks for your words of faith NTK

Hi, Bin,<P>Thank you for your words of wisdom and your uplifting post. I read and re-read the following:<P>"The love of Jesus in a man requires the man to lay down his life for his woman, just the way Jesus laid down His life for the church. A husband should be loving his wife sacrificially, redemptively--covering her mistakes, and unconditionally... These basic requirements for a husband's love are God's way of saying what type of love a wife DESERVES to have."<P>Amen to that. For six years, my H has convinced me that I am not worthy of having him lay down his life for me. He raised the bar and then raised it again. My "sins" were negligible. Getting upset with H because he purchased drugs when we were on a vacation in a third-world country. I was terrified of getting arrested. But I "rained" on his parade, and so I became less and less in his eyes. The more I called him on unhealthy and downright illegal behaviors, the less he thought of me. I became "close-minded," a "bible-thumper" and so on. I became "a bad person" for refusing to enable him to do destructive things to himself and our marriage. I was "bad" because I drew boundaries as to what I will and will not accept.<P>I realize that any marriage has its share of problems. I never expected things to be perfect. But I never dreamed that I would have to deal with such difficult issues. I cannot defend my H's behavior. I cannot tolerate it. It goes against what I believe to be the behavior of a mature, healthy, adult man. How could I possibly have children and a family with a man who thinks it's okay to go to strip clubs? What would he teach our children? That it's okay to yell at a woman and call her filthy names and beat her down until she cries? How could he possibly tell them that it's wrong to do drugs, drink, go to bars, when he does those things himself? He wouldn't be able to. He would not be a good role model for a child. He is a very, very angry person. I thank God that I made the prudent decision not to have children with him. (It was one of the biggest sacrifices I've ever made, and it saddens my heart, because the one thing I wanted to be in this life was a mother.)<P>I only hope that once I am away from this situation the anger that I have built up will go away. I was never an angry person before, but I *do* have a lot of anger and resentment inside. Mainly at myself. My H was wrong for verbally beating me down, but you know what? *I* was wrong for allowing myself to be treated in such a fashion! *I* hurt me too! I could have walked away at any time, and I did not. I kept letting him pummel me verbally (always with a good excuse) until I came to believe that he had the "right" to do it. I let him convince me that *HIS* actions were my fault. I acted out in very self-destructive ways. That is where I am to blame.<P>I don't believe that God wants me to be this unhappy. I truly don't. I have prayed about this and sought counseling. I have yet to find one mental health professional who has told me to stay with my H. I have yet to find one counselor who does not believe that he is abusive. This is his problem - not mine. I have carried the burden of it for too long. Six years. No longer.<P>No longer.<P>belldandy<P>

Dear Bell,<BR>Did you come to know God after you were already married? Did you know certain things about your husband, I mean, did he display bad behavior before you married him? Did he suddenly change after you got married or were there signs of abuse prior to saying I DO? <P>And IF there were "signs" prior to the marriage, why, if so, did you ignore those signs?<P>I mean, did he frequent strip clubs and drink and yell at you or do drugs before you got married? Did you do those things with him and now you are in God? Does he resent your having changed? <P>You said there were many good qualities about him that you admire and love. So, I'm just wondering if all these profoundly negative changes happened after the marriage or were there indications of this type of behavior before you got married, is all...<BR>