sorry my computer was down ive missed you guys!!!! any way i had a great weekend i spent it with Paul. he did some repairs to my house for me, we went to church,i was invited to go to the lake with him and his family,but i decided to spend the day with my mother.<P>when we were at church the minister ask the husbands and wives to stand and we both stood. he ask the husbands to thank the wives for bearing thier children,then hug them and tell them you love them Paul did none of these things.the only excuse he had right there and then was he was holding the baby and couldn't hug me, that i understood but a simple thank you wasnt that hard to do was it?<P>he explained to me later that if he told me those things that the minister had said it would have given me false hope. I'll always have hope but i give up. i am doing nothing but making Paul and myself miserable. i know you guys are gonna tell me not to give up,and i havent totally.but for once im gonna do as my husband ask. and try to give him space to heal his heart. i love him and want nothing but for him to be happy and i know if i do this he will be happy.wish me luck in my extremely long journey i am<BR>facing.I feel your prayers and i thank you for them, but they are still very much in need. i will do the same for everyone here at MB you have all my love and prayers god bless you <P><BR> love,<BR> Amanda

Sorry, but I'm new here and don't know your story. Why is Paul so upset with you? He sounds very bitter. NOT a good person to be holding an innocent baby, even if it IS the daddy. Yikes!

btdt,<BR>i am the one at fault in this. i have ruined our marraige. i think i realized too late Paul is angry cause i have had more than one affair. he got tired of my stupidity'and filed for a divorce.now i realize that i have been an awful wife, i just want one more chance.

Amanda,<P>I am sorry that the Mother's Day sermon, seemed to lead to your conclusion that it is over. I think he was put into a very difficult situation. Do many of the members of the church understand the situation? If so, then it would be very embarrassing for him to stand up and say those words while holding the little one, and continuing with the planned divorce.<P>Yet, he was there in church with you Amanda. I don't think that you being in church with him is making him miserable. I am sure that recalling all that has gone on in your marriage does. Here is the point. You can add new memories to your marriage and relationship and they need to be good ones. <P>As you can tell this gets back to you doing the right things, not just saying the right things. If you continue to be the person you want to be and one you can be proud of then there is hope. Don't give up. As for one last chance, I would suspect that "chance" is exactly what Paul is afraid of. I suspect that he would stay married to you if he "knew" you were viewing him and the marriage in a different light. He isn't interested in a "chance", he would love certainity but probably requires action and "commitment" on your part, before he will believe that the marriage can be saved.<P>So quit thinking in terms of "chance". "I want to see if it will work out." " I think I can be true to him." Are not statements he is interested in. He took a hugh "chance" when you came home pregnant the last time and it didn't work. This is where your own thinking needs to change.<P>"Chance" should have little to do with your decisions and commitments. When he knows you have removed the "chance" part of this from the relationship, then I think you will have the opportunity to rebuild the marriage.<P>Does this make sense? I hope it does Amanda, you can do this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL, i dont know what else to do but wait. i've done everything i can think of and i am still working on some things like pestering him over where he is gonna be and who with thing its hard but i'm trying i was doing good cause he hadnt talked to his "friend" in a couple days. but sadly her # was on the caller ID from last night at 10 45 he never wanted to stay up past 10 when we were together.he has made so many changes he is not himself any more i love him anyway. please pray 4 me<P>Amanda

Amanda,<P>I will indeed pray for you. But listen carefully to what I am going to say. I am not condoning Paul's friend, but listen carefully. He has filed for divorce. It will happen in a few weeks if I understand the timeline correctly. So a "friend" MAY be appropriate.<P>He has been alone along time Amanda and he is looking for a "friend" and I mean "friend" in the truest sense. While this lady my be JUST a friend, she may not be. In either case, let that part go. Don't focus on that.<P>But do focus on your kids and yourself. Please don't fall into the trap of saying to yourself, well he is divorcing me, so I might as well... Amanda, the problem has been is that you have had too many "friends" and Paul hasn't been one of them. <P>If you two are to rebuild a marriage, it may well have to be from scratch, plus 4 children. So work on yourself, learn how to be his friend, for no matter what happens he will be seeing you to see the children. It is unlikely that he will marry his "friend", I hope for his sake he doesn't. It is way too soon for him to be considering such a step, he has much healing to do. So do you.<P>So heal yourself, learn to be Paul's friend, not his competitor (anything you can do, I can do better. That sort of thing). You have more time than you realize so focus Amanda. Focus on being the type of person you want to be, and when the opportunity comes around for you two to reconnect, he won't feel he is taking a "chance" on you. He will KNOW he is picking the best. You can do this Amanda, you really can.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Amanda,<P>I'm glad your computer is working again!<P>I've been thinking about your situation. I think you should stop beating yourself up about the affairs that you had - and start getting to work with what you can do about this marriage! <P>I know you are sorry for the affairs, and have asked for forgiveness. And you have received the forgiveness from Jesus - so now you should put that behind you 100%. Don't look back anymore, I think that is causing you to look at your situation from a spirit of fear.<P>God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. So, claim it! Claim your forgiveness, and claim power, love and a sound mind! Come at this marriage situation with strength, not your strength - but that from the Lord himself.<P>Amanda, give me your e-addy. I want to write you off the board.<P>God Bless,<BR>TnT

Dear Ready,<BR>Thanks for explaining everything. Fortunately God forgives all our sin and mistakes of the past. God is so merciful that He gives us all the chances we need and loves us unconditionally. People are not always so forgiving. It sounds like Paul is beyond hurt, and bitterness has set in.<P>Well, it's a good thing that God is in the business of restoring relationships and performing miracles because it sounds like you need some divine intervention! Another good thing is that we won't need miracles in heaven so why not get them NOW!!<P>If Paul's mind is made up, then God won't violate Paul's will, but if you are willing to change and really stand up to the lust and get it out of your life, I believe that God will totally help you. Marriage doesn't cure lust, although I thought it would, which was very naive of me.<P>Whenever I feel tempted, I pray and expose the lust and God helps it to disappear. It really works but you can't keep entertaining lustful thoughts. You have to be willing to set your mind on something other than whatever it is that feeds the lust. Take this as an example, if our spirit and our flesh are like starving dogs, the one we choose to feed will be the strongest one. If we masturbate or think about sex with someone else or look at movies that incite lust, then that feeds our flesh and makes it stronger. If we pray and ask God to help us right when we are being tempted and then turn off the movie or the desire to masturbate or whatever is tempting us, we can win the battle. But the enemy doesn't give up.<P>If you are really serious about changing, you have to be willing to change with or without Paul because it seems to me that the real battle is going on inside of YOU.

<B>PRAYERS & HUGS</B>

to everyone' <P> JL, i know i houldn't be concerned about his friend, but i cant tell that to my heart. i am trying very hard and so far Paul and i are friends. i think so anyway. he tells me we are friends but no more than that,but he confuses me sometimes by making love to me. i feel used sometimes <BR>and i find myself not caring if he is using me because at least i get to be close to him and i love him and i want him to know it. im working on it i promise <P> Amanda<P>TNT, my dress iz amoyers3@hotmail.com <P>Amanda<P><BR>sing, <BR>right back at ya i need all the hugs i can get. thank you. <P>Amanda

BTDT,<BR>thank you for your beautiful words of truth,sometimes it takes someone elses' words to get to your heart and yours have touched mine thank you for making me realize that i'm not such a bad person after all i am only human and ive seen the things i've done wrong and want to live happy for the rest of my life and i know the changes ive made in my life recently will make me the happiest ive been in a long time thank you you are truly an angel. Wanna trade prayers? ive got some for you, you got any for me? <BR> Amanda

Amanda,<P>If you and Paul do make love, then I doubt that "friend" is much more than that right now. Please continue to work on yourself. If you and Paul are friends continue to be friends. He has a lot of things to work through as you do as well.<P>Let me make a suggestion to you. I don't know if you have done much reading here, particularly His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, both by Harley, but they may be useful. My suggestion Amanda is to learn to talk to Paul, learn to listen to him, he undoubtable has a lot of pain and anger to get rid of yet. But if you can become the person he can talk to, work the problems in his head out with, and trust, then your relationship has a good chance.<P>Amanda this won't happen quickly, but if you really love him, you are going to let him have time to heal. I suspect he is very tired, from all that has gone on and all that he tried to do to save your marriage. It will take time, give him the time, but also talk and listen. <P>In summary, Amanda help each other as best you can. You both have been badly damaged and you need to heal.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear Amanda,<BR>I'm happy that you feel better. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we can't even feel God's love shining down on us. We are so concerned about what others think that we can't even hear God's thoughts toward us, which outnumber the sand on the shore! :-)<P>Let's just pray that all of us would work on ourselves, to be what God wants us to be and not what people expect us to be. Then, we can be able to be whole people who have 100% to give and not be needy takers all the time.<P>We can't give what we don't have to give. We have to be able to get along with ourselves before we can get along with others. <3<3<3

Amanda,<BR>Paul was one of the first to welcome me to MB back in Sept. after I found out about my W's A and pregnancy. I think that JL hit home about learning all you can with Harley's books..especially "surviving an affair". Read and learn what to do..sometimes we think we know what is best because we "listen to our hearts"..that is a crock. If you haven't ever been in this situation before, how are you supposed to know what to do? You aren't born with that knowledge! <P>I think that Paul is so emotionally drained from your 1st affair that when he found out about the 2nd A, it just put him over the edge. We are not supposed to have to go through this much pain ONCE, let alone TWICE. I can't imagine the pain Paul must feel. <P>Even though I strongly disagree with Paul having a "friend", I can completely understand why he would succumb to that temptation. He has been going through all of this by HIMSELF for so long, it probably felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his back when he could confide in someone.<P>I am not trying to beat you up because you and my W are in similar situations, but if you are genuine about wanting to make this marriage work, you have to prove to Paul that you are willing to work and not give up. How long have you been truly trying to make ammends? Think about that and then think about how long Paul tried. I think you have a lot more time to put in to get to the point he did. <P>I bet Paul has SAA, so read that...especially the Policy of Joint Agreement. You need to really consider Pauls emotions when you deal with your baby's father. Each time you talk with him or the OM behind Pauls back...it's like driving a dull knife into his back and twisting it. You have to be completely honest with Paul and make sure he knows exactly what is going on with you and what your plans are in regards to OC and OM. If Paul wants you to never see OM again and use a third party to get OC to OM, then you need to do it. Your marriage depends on your commitment to Paul...not OM.<P>I'm sorry for being hard on you, but now that you are a child of God you have to fear him as your Heavenly Father more so that you fear what people here on earth will think. You know what is right in the Lord, so just make that commitment to HIM. WWJD?<BR>Floored <BR>

Amanda,<BR>Hope you and Paul are doing OK. I brought this post back up because I really wanted to know what you thought about my last posting.<BR>Floored

floored: I don't think she has been to the site in a few days. She uses my computer at home while I'm at work and I don't think she has been by the house in a while. I'll let her know though. Then perhaps she can get back to you.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.