Hey all-and hi to the newbies. I guess I haven't been here since Oct. I must say things have been going great-aside from a few minor speed bumps. Psycho girl has had her friends call here, only to be intercepted by me, and then one that my husband totally blew up at. Well, my situation is this. I snooped on his laptop and have found that he has book marked 2 XXX sites. This was after we had a discussion about how I felt about these places. He said he wouldn't go to them anymore. But once in a while he takes his laptop to work, and I know what he does with it-because now I have proof. He even went to one that sets up personal ads(and that one is bookmarked) the only thing there to do is to set up a profile and chat with people and such-the pictures aren't all that great-plus they are too small. Anyway. I thought I could trust him and I don't know what to do. I even went as far as to send him an email from a fake person-to see if he would reply. We talk every week and he says things are excellent between us and he is totally in love with me. He must tell me 10x a day-and I feel that he means it. Am I taking this too far?? He knows exactly how I feel about the websites, which is why he is probably doing them behind my back, as if I wouldn't find out. But if I call him on it he'll know I have been snooping-which is even worse. But I shouldn't have to feel the desire to snoop. So can anyone tell me why anyone who is recovering in a marriage want to do something like this and also why do men go to these places. I need some real reasons from men on that one. Is it possible since I have put on weight he doesn't find me attractive. We do have great encounters, but the sites he goes to are all about younger girls. What am I to think?? It is possible that he and his work buddy are doing this together-which is more than likely-but how do I know if it isn't. Sorry this is so long-but I had to go somewhere. Did I tell you he set up an email account-and I don't know the password-I've tried to crack it believe me. Any advice would be great.

Hello - I'm a bit of a 'newbie' as D-day was a month ago yesterday. I have to be honest with you up front, as personally I don't have a problem at all with XXX sites - I'm very open-minded that way. However, if these things did upset me, then of course I would be devastated if my husband was using them, when he knew it would hurt me. It's a deliberate love-buster for sure. If you are still committed to Plan A, then you might have to let this one drop until a later time - when he's more willing to be an active partner in the repair of your marriage. However, it certainly wouldn't do any harm for you to just state the fact that you feel hurt by this activity, in a way that doesn't actually 'blame' him - use the 'I' statement:<P>"I feel hurt when I discover that you have been looking at pornographic websites" is a better way to present your case than the negative, destructive "You hurt me when you look at this filth" which is a 'blaming' sentence.<P>Best wishes, Paint

My H enjoys porn as well and I've come to accept it and actually embrace it. I let him know what I think is truly yukky,and there is a line that we both won't cross (because let's face it there are some weirdos out there) but we actually enjoy these things together now. He can bring up a newsgroup or website anytime and I'm not bothered. In fact, sometimes it gets us both hot and bothered and ...well..we both benefit from it.<BR>Don't know if this helps at all, but the porn is no longer a "threat" to me.

I have no problems with porn. That is impersonal. Actual communication with someone is a totally different thing (as in your personal ad website).<P>You could just say, "The other day I used your laptop to log on. Noticed you had bookmarked a website with personal ad. What is going on?"<P>I don't think this would be a LB but obviously I don't know your H.

I don't mind porn when it's the two of us together. But it kinda creeps me out knowing that when he views them behind my back, we have you know what that night. It's the double standard here. He would flip out if he knew i was visiting these sites by myself. And when i did catch him he looked like a deer in headlights. So what gives?? And actually for me to log on with his laptop he would know I was snooping because I have my own at home, and i would have to use the phone line. We have a house pc with a cable modem-so the excuse of using his doesn't work. It's a total cyber cop job. We've been in recovery for 7 months and things are great. just this one thing really bugs me and he knows my viewpoint on it and by doing it he is disrecpecting me. Is he going to disrespect me in other things?? We'll see if I get a reply to my fake email I sent him. Trap him?? Maybe. PLaying with fire?? yes. The whole personal ad thing was the one that upset me the most. Feeling like I am going crazy again, all the old feelings are popping up again. BLECH!!!!

Hi fullnest. I remember you.<P>You asked why do men go to these places? BSOM (beats the s*** otta me)! I have no desire to go there. Maybe I'm weird.<P>The fake e-mail makes me gringe. Can be nothing but trouble.<P>Look where you are! Congrats! Keep this in perspective and be smart. You've gotten this far. I think you'll figure out what's best. Just be open and honest, whatever you do. This includes forgetting about the fake e-mail.<P>WAT

I just suppose I should let this whole thing go, but it's very hard. It's as if your spouse is living a double life. I mean if you discussed things and they knew your viewpoint and did it anyway-behind your back-then you found out by snooping-wouldn't any of you be hurt or upset? Almost like feeling betrayed all over again. Makes me think what else he is capable of doing behind my back. I already know from the EA what he is capable of, is it starting again? I guess maybe I am reading too much into this-but wouldn't any of us? It doesn't have to deal with porn-it could deal with anything that you guys feel objectionable about and our spouses went ahead and did it anyway-in a sneaky way. Am I taking this whole thing too far?? Maybe I am dwelling a bit much on this. I mean if this is all he is doing I guess I should be thankful. Now I am starting to sound like a doormat again...yuck!!!

I can see where you feel disrespected about it. I told my H before we were married no porn in our house. He completly agreed. Well geeze guess what I found him doing for the past few years. What I am trying to say is I know it is not the porn that hurts you it is the fact that he is hiding it from you which is not being completly honest. Maybe you should be honest with him and let him know what you know. Honesty has to go both ways.