I am the BS here for those who don't already know this. My WS had an EA on internet and then a PA that lasted 3 weeks. All this was caught on tape so that nothing they did was private, and I mean nothing. Every word they said, I heard even when I became their joke.<BR> My problem now is that after the A I was there, like so many others here have done, to pick up the pieces of her shattered life, mine didn't matter to her. I held my WS while she cried on my shoulder over the OP and the pain she felt at losing them. I swallowed all my pride and even got rid of the anger and resentment in me to the point of being able to say that I forgave her.<BR> We began the road to rebuilding our relationship and thou things were tense at times we have made it 8 months and I thought it was all going to be down hill from here and that the worse was over.<BR> Now it seems that after WS has had time to heal and regain some of their self-esteem and self-respect back she now tells me that she does love me but doesn't know if she's in love with me.<BR> I feel like she has used me. I feel that the only reason she stayed in the first place was to get herself back together. She has constantly told my that she loved me during these 8 months but I never was wise enough to say I know you love me but are you in love with me.<BR> Has anyone else had this happen or does anyone know what all this means now. Also how do you fix this. Do you leave or stay and play the fool again.<BR> I am very confident that there isn't another person involved, this is just her doings. I guess I'm sending up an SOS here. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Sorry, don't know, not any advice, just wanted you to know that someone was thinking of you.

The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line is universal among the alien abductees. This is how we know the aliens are all from the same mother ship. <P>Seriously, are you sure another person isn't involved? It sounds like she's relapsed because of continuing contact and OM's influence.<P>Either that or she's continuing with withdrawal and is being honest with you? I don't have direct experience, but 8 months may not be long enough yet for her to completely let go. You are not necessarily back at ground zero.<P>Also, don't think of yourself as a fool. You're trying to be the hero here.<P>WAT

My H had an emotional affair. Afterwards I held him while he cried, picked uo the pieces, etc. Took maybe 6 months after that for him to feel "in-love" with me again (although he did love me, just not "in-love").<P>The first few months were withdrawal I think. But then the "in-love" part had to be rebuilt. And that takes time. And that time really doesn't start until withdrawal is over and a good bit of healing has begun.<P>I would give it a bit longer. Sorry, I know it sucks...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Healing,<P>Have you and WS considered doing any of the His Needs/Her Needs workbook or reading the book together? I have tried to follow your story but don't remember if you have mentioned this. The "in love" part doesn't come right away. You both have to work to fulfill eachothers ENs to fall back in love. Have you both done the ENQ and would your WS consider doing this?<P>cleo

I did purchase the book His Needs/Her Needs and we went through it together. I have done eveything that I can to fulfill her EN and she admits that I am doing everything I can to meet them. for me, I gain a point.<BR> My EN on the other had have been put on hold for the time being or should I say on the back burner. for her, she's losing points. She is aware of my top EN but is unable or unwilling to meet that need, sexual fulfillment being #1. <BR> The OP in all this has moved to another state and found another person's life to destroy , and with no lasting effects. I did find some hotmail that concerned me, not due to content but because it suggested a hidden e-mail account. But after a discussion on e-mail I learned that the account belonged to someone else. I really do not believe that anyone else is involved.<BR> The thing that WS doesn't realize is that all this is taking a toll on my emotions. What use to hurt, doesn't anymore and I feel that I too am falling out of love with her. She says she can't picture her life without me in it but I just don't know how much more I can take. I have even offered her my lasting friendship and nothing more because I will always care about her and always have love for her. But the phrase I love you is also becoming foriegn to me.<BR> I don't know what mothership she is from but I wish they would come back and get the woman that is now in my house and return to me the woman I once loved so deeply.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited May 15, 2001).]

Healing -<P>I used that line as a WS, so maybe I can give you a little insight. Every situation is different, but for me it was really a weird period in my life. My H and I have been in recovery for over a year, and we're doing very, very well, now.<P>I did a post one time that documented my thoughts/feelings as they occurred during the past year. At two months after recovery, I was a basket case - I cried non-stop for almost two months. I confessed the affair to my H, began no contact, etc. . but for two months, straight I was crying because I couldn't believe what I had done, didn't know what I wanted to do, loved my H but didn't know if we were "meant to be together." My H held me a number of times - too numerous to count.<P>Probably from the 4th - 8th month (or maybe even longer), I did the old "I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you" line. While I was committed to no contact, committed to trying to work things out with my H - I still wasn't feeling those goofy, butterflies in your stomach feelings that you get when you first meet and are attracted to someone.<P>Now there was a lot of stuff that went on in my recovery. OM contacted me after two months, six months and eight months into recovery. After the first contact, I thought I could be friends with him only - wrong. Immediately broke off contact, told my H, I was honest about it, but confused. After four months, I really was feeling better about my marriage, about our relationship - so when OM called, I really didn't know what to do (Please note that I had to finally send a second no contact letter). But, I told my H, recommitted to no contact again - actually never stopped. Then when the OM called after 8 months into recovery, I just got tired of him - he just wouldn't go away, and I knew I needed that in order to give my marrriage a chance - second no contact letter sent. And that one has "stuck" for six months now.<P>Anyway, whenever there was contact, it always made me second-guess what I was doing - wondering if trying to save my marriage was the right thing.<P>But, even when there wasn't any contact - there were still times when I knew that I loved my H but I wasn't sure if I was in-love with him. Your next question might be Why did you feel that way? Well, I don't know. In a way, I think it still could be withdrawl. Once I committed to my marriage, once things even started to get better - they still weren't perfect - and that made me question whether or not I loved or was in-love with my H. I just didn;t feel that passion towards him - even though he was doing everything to meet my needs.<P>But marriage is a very interesting phenomemon. The times I felt more "in love" with my H were the times in which I was meeting HIS needs, not when he was meeting mine. It sounds really strange, but it was almost like I was sitting around, waiting for my H to do something, to say something and then we'd be in-love again. But, my H was saying and doing all the right things, but I still didn't feel anything.<P>So, I finally reached a point when I kind of "went outside of the box" and thought well, maybe I need to DO something in order to get those feelings back. So, gradually, I started to try and meet some of his needs, start to pull my weight in our marriage - if you will, and I realized that by making my H happy, in effect, I made myself happy. You kind of have to experience it to believe it. But what started out as a small spark, caught fire and I can honestly say that I am in-love with my H now, In fact, I think those feelings never really left, they just got kind of buried somewhere and I needed to dig them out and dust them off.<P>So, don't jump to the conclusion that there has been contact again. I think you need to honestly approach your with with a desire to learn why she feels this way, and then try to work on resolving those issues together.<P>If it is like my situation, it may not be anything that you are doing wrong. We WS can be very selfish and it's kind of tough to break out of that mindset when you can see past what you want and try to give the other person what they need.<P>8 months may seem like a long time to you, but I'm sure I felt that way, at that time too. And even, now, there may be days when I feel like I love my H, but am not in love with him - but they are very fleeting moments - and I think it has a lot to do with some part of our recovery that we still need to go through.<P>Try not to be discouraged. But, I think you should try and get your wife to open up as to why she feels that way. Try to do it in a neutral way, it may not be so good to day "After all this stuff I've put up with, and now you say you're not in love with me - what's up with that??" Try to just be focused on the big picture, ask questions as=bout how she feels, what you can do to make things better. And be prepared for her response - it may be that there's nothing you can do, but give it some more time.<P>For me, it was like being in a small boat on a big ocean. There are all these little waves. Sure there were some big storms during recovery, and times when I didn't think we would make it, but even when things calmed down and got better, the boat still rocked - we still felt the ripples. And maybe it just takes a little more time to get into calmer waters.<P>Don't be discouraged, just try to plug away at findingout why she feels this way - and if she can't talk about it - just give her some time. For me, there were a lot of ripples, a lot of waves of emotion I just had to ride out. Hopefully, you'll find the answers that you need, but I definitely said the same things to my H - we're still together, and from my perspective we're doing pretty well, and I know we're going to make it.<P>I definitely don't thin you're playing the fool - you've never played the fool. It is not foolish to be faithful. The thing is you just need to know what you want, focus on the big picture. If what you want is to be with your wife, keep your family together, then maybe this is a wave you need to ride out with her. I don't know, but I went through the same things - I'm afraid to say - but in the end it has worked out for my H and I.

SKM thank you for the wonderful letter of support and insight. The value of having WS's post here is so important at times to us BS's since it gives us an insight into what our own WS may be feeling and thinking.<BR> There has been contact from OP in the past month but WS did not reply to e-mail and immediately told me of e-mail and even printed it for me to see. WS has continued with no contact but of course OP wont just go away even though they have found someone else.<BR> I took your advice and tried to find out what is wrong in her life and how I can help. As you suspected the answer was that there is nothing I can do. She feels I am doing everything right but she says she is just depressed right now and needs time. She has always had a problem with depression on and off but this seems worse than ever before. She refuses to get help or to take any medication for this problem.<BR> She also says that she feels worthless and that she feels that she is a failure in every part of her life. I can only reassure her but that doesn't seem to do much good. <BR> I have given her so much time but I guess it just isn't enough yet. I am at my wits end at times trying to hold my family together, meet her needs, and deal with my own unhappiness (in a way that doesn't show to her). My being unhappy is not allowed by her. If I am unhappy and she ask what's wrong she really wants to hear me say nothing is wrong. If I try to tell her how I am feeling she tells me that she doesn't need this and can't handle this right now. So in my house we smile to keep her happy.<BR> I will keep on trying until I have no more to give. Being a hero was never the point and I definately don't feel like the hero but more like the bad guy. Love was my motive but I don't know how much more of that I can give without getting anything back.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited May 16, 2001).]

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"? Any contact, whether answered or not, is poison and sets the recovery back significantly, if not entirely.<P>I have been in your shoes; I thought 8 months of NC had occured and came to find out that it was really only two. That my WS had contacted the OM through letters, phone calls and eventually face-to-face contact. Up until she felt absolutely safe in admitting the re-contact (i.e. she knew I wasn't going to leave her like I had threatened to prior to attending MB), she held it a secret. Even though we were going through the course.<P>Never underestimate your WS's ability to deceive. All of us have been in the boat of being deceived and know how good they were at it. Problem is, our own instincts want to trust, want to believe, and this happens before the WS has earned that trust. From everything you describe, I think that almost definitely she has reinstated contact with the OM, and is now going through the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I would suggest couples counseling immediately.<P>One thing that did help when my wife went through this was to tell her that it was normal for her to have these feelings about the OM still. That it was a separate phenomenon than our relationship. I asked her if she thought our relationship was improving, she said yes. I said, OK then. Have your thoughts of the OM, they're just thoughts after all. Treat them separate than our relationship.<P>I would suggest you have her write a NC letter to the OM also. If he keeps contacting her, a restraining order is the way to go.<P>If you have kids and/or make better money than the OM, you can appeal to her baser instincts too -- that you are a better father and a better provider than the OM. That you take care of your family.<P>Hope this helps.

Healing-<BR>I am also a WS, now 1 yr+ into recovery. I had a hard time with withdrawal. I wanted to be committed, loyal and "fix" what I had done. I don't believe I ever stopped loving my H through the whole thing. Part of the confusion lies in the whole idea of loving vs being "in love." <P>Based on the alien abduction theory, it is often said the the WS thinks they are "in love" with the OP, but the MB theory is that this is not "real Love." Yikes. So we the WS really loves you, and what do you want, her to have the alien, "not real," romantic, in-the-fog, "in love" feelings too. Maybe I'm confused. It feels confusing at this moment. <P><BR>I felt in love with the OM. These feelings were very powereful and addictive, I did all kinds of uncharacteristic dishonest things. During recovery, I have mourned the loss of that relationship and to some extent the loss of the wonderful "in love" feeling. I have also accepted that that type of crazy, falling in love, hormonal, mind-taken-over-by-aliens feeling is not part of the abiding, loyal, together-for-ever, for better or worse, love that I have for my H. DOes that mean I am not "in love" with him? I personally don't think so.<P>Are we talking about a loss of passion? Are you and she just at a new point in recovery where you are on a solid foundation, but need to continue to work (and recover) to regain a greater connection, intimacy, passion?<P>OK, truly, at 6 or 8 months I did come to a point where I realized that my marriage had not recovered to the point I had hoped, that my H does not, and MAY NEVER, meet all my ENs the way I would hope. At this point I was discouraged, depressed, and I may have even thought the words, "I'm not sure I am 'in love' with my H." However, I have decided the marriage journey is worth it, and with or without lots of passion, this is where I belong. Hopefully it will grow, or surge up and down, and it is not gone forever. Or maybe the aliens will come back (meaning for my H and I...)

I want to thank all who have answered my post and helped me to realize that this is not an unusual place to be at this time. My WS will not go to marriage counseling or counseling of any type, I have tried and even suggested it again this evening.<BR> All I know to do is keep trying until it is all gone in me and then I guess I'll be the bad guy for leaving the marriage, the one she can blame for giving up. There are times I feel that she wants me to quit so she wont feel guilty for the demise of our relationship.<BR> I know the alien theory is a commical joke but I really am beginning to wonder if maybe that is what has happened. I had a woman who would never in a million years have had an A much less intentionally hurt her family. But the woman that lives in my house at this time has no problem with dishing out hurt and family is the last thing on her mind. She seems to be in a me, me, me frame of mind not an us frame.<BR> Also she seems to come up with a lot of different aches and pains that prevent intimacy from occurring. Maybe they are a physical symptom of her depression or maybe she just doesn't want to have to say no.<BR> Again thanks for the advice and support.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC