Here is one of the many questions that my H and I cannot come to any sort of agreement on. Maybe some of you can help.<P>He is the corporate big-shot who, for a long time, has been in the habit of taking his employees out for lunch. Most often it was his young, cute, short-skirted, high-heeled, ratted-hair, too-much-makeup little assistant manager, but might also be any employee that he needed to have a "meeting" with. When I worked at the same place I would see them leave together.<P>His side: They have a very long, full, busy day and lunch is just an extension of that day. There isn't always time for the meetings and counseling and mentoring sessions that his job as a senior manager requires, so doing things over lunch just makes sense.<P>My side:<BR>1) The company spent a lot of money to build this great big ol' building with lots and lots of meeting rooms in it. They even gave him an office of his own. Work meetings are supposed to be held at work. That's what the bloody place is for.<P>2) He is in NO way required to leave the premises to conduct business. There is NOTHING that says, "part of your job requirement is to take your employees out to lunch," but he tries to convince me that it's necessary. So tell me: if it's such a great time-saver, why are you gone for 1 1/2 - 2 hours at a time??<P>3) I never once saw, or heard, of his taking out any female employee who wasn't young, cute, and attactive - the kind he likes best. The assistant manager with the short skirts, etc.? He hired her himself. Yes, occasionally he would go with a male employee if they had something to discuss, but the women were always the cute ones. <P>Right now he's got a female employee who is requiring a lot of extra attention to get her up to speed on the job. And, he has been saddled with extra projects by the top brass in the company, so he's never been busier. Now, it seems like this would be the time to take HER out to lunch - right? <P>Wrong! I know this woman and, I don't mean to be cruel, but the poor thing is as unattractive as the day is long. Not his type at all. I asked him point-blank about this and he says he's never taken her anywhere, looking at me as if I were crazy.<P>I hate it that he does this. I've always hated it. One of the things I hate most is that he never told me about it - never stopped by my desk, never called me, never sent an email or a voice mail or a carrier pigeon to say, "I'm driving Suzy Rat-Bag to a restaurant today, and I wanted to let you know ahead of time so that you wouldn't find out accidentally and wonder what the hell was going on."<P>When I'd see them leave I figured he was driving her in his car, but he never told me himself until I asked him directly just a few days ago. <P>I see this as nothing more than dating, pure and simple. He doesn't have to do this. It's not part of his job. There are plenty of other ways to get the work done and the meetings carried out.<P>He does this because he wants to, because it's fun to drive around town with a cute little rat-bag in the front seat of your car and then walk into a restaurant with her so that everybody thinks you're a couple. <P>He does this because he can, because calling it "work" makes it okay.<P>He's found a way to date his co-workers. It infuriates me. He thinks it's great. There is nothing I can say that even makes a dent.<P>He acts exactly like a man who is having an A, but because it's all hidden behind the company's protective walls I do not have any proof and it's real easy for him - and others -to call me "childish" and "paranoid."<P>Gods and goddesses, I hate that place.<P>Psycho_B***h<BR>

Don't you just *luv* semantics? A date suddenly turns into a business lunch. A date, in my H's case, turned into "just hanging out" w/ XOW. Yeah, hanging out and having sex! He must think that I have the intelligence of a turnip.<P>belld

Sorry but I do go out for business lunches a lot. When I started my new job I even asked a lot of people (men and women) to go out to lunch. I just don't think of a lunch as a date. More like a somewhat softer business meeting.<P>I think though that you do have a deeper problem if all his "lunch meetings" are with young, cute women. So not discounting that as a problem.... <P>Katie<BR>

So, you are calling it an affair? And your husband is hiding behind his job. <P>It doesn't matter what you call it - and it doesn't matter what he thinks. It is the same prescription if you want your marriage to work.<P>Plan A!<P>Tnt

PB,, I agree Plan A as much as you can and ask him if he would like to go eat lunch with you,,, I understand the frustration when they think they are getting away with something like that...<BR>does he pay for lunch or does he charge it to the companies account? this could be a way for him to get into trouble ,, most companies have guideliness as to what is acceptable..<BR>C1

Yes, I have been doing Plan A as much as possible, but when that did not work for me - it just let him have me and them both, which I think is what he really wants - I've got an in-house separation going on. I told him I would ask him nothing about his work and he could do whatever he wanted, since that's what he is going to do anyway.<P>He seems to have noticed this and is coming home early today (he says.) We'll see.<P>When he and his pal go out, sometimes the company pays, but he knows the system and only does this when he knows he can get away with it. The rest of the time, either he's buying or she is. I really don't know.<P>I recently discovered that if I do not ask him specific, point-blank questions about who is present during a lunch, a dinner, a trip, etc., he will tell me nothing. I would sit here thinking he'd gone out of town by himself, when actually his favorite little rat-bag co-worker had gone on the trip with him. I just learned about that one a few days ago.<P>He rarely lies directly, but I am now realizing that he is the master of the lie-by-omission. That's what I get for trusting him.<P>Psycho_B***h<P>

PB,, sorry that you are feeling this way and that you have gotten to this point with him... this is called withdrawal and will not solve the issue at hand,,, I am not a councelor and of course I am just concerned,, since I have been so there where you are describing and being in a withdrawn state is sad too... have you asked him to go to counceling with you? Praying for you,,, and your name by the way is that something that he says about you or how you feel about you?<BR>C1

Dear Psycho--first of all, you are not psycho and you are not a b--ch, but anyway, here goes:<P>We have an agreement at my house that we would not be riding around in a car together with any person of the opposite sex, alone with just the two of us--ever. That is our agreement and we stick to it. I don't see how knowing this helps you now, but perhaps you can set new rules if it's not too late.<P>I agree with you that your husband is definitely lying and his deceitful behavior is inexcusable. But where do you go from here? You have to find a way to deal with your anger before it gets out of control and you DO become a real psycho b***.<P>Breathe... Does your husband believe in the bible? It does say for us all as Christians to avoid even the appearance of evil. For him to be jetsetting around and going out to lunch with cute girls all the time and sneaking around behind your back is giving the appearance of something evil going on!!!<P>The next part has to do with your insecurities about your own appearance. What do the ratbags have that you don't? If they are 'ratbags' then obviously they have nothing on you, but please, don't be more upset with them than you are with your own husband. If it weren't for HIS boundaries, or lack thereof, the 'ratbags' wouldn't have any opportunities to be in his face whatsoever.<P>In the meantime, what you can do is something to make you feel better about yourself. If you need to lose weight, then do it. Do it for YOU. If you need to get a new outfit, then do it. If you need to pray until there are no ill feelings inside of you whatsoever, then pray, pray, pray! But by all means, do something for yourself to honor yourself. Anger brings no honor to ourselves, it only eats us up like a cancer and taints our love for ourselves and for others. We have to get rid of it. Don't ignore it.<P>He doesn't seem to care about how he is hurting you, only making excuses, so you do what you need to do to perk yourself up. Perhaps your newfound confidence will turn his head toward you a little more. God won't let your husband go on like this forever. There are consequences to every act, whether good or bad. We get to choose our acts, but we don't get to choose the consequences. Do some good things for you. Set the 'ratbags' free from jail. That will help for starters. Then, work on changing what needs to be changed inside of you so you can feel better about you on the outside. God bless you! I feel your pain. It won't last forever. Hang in there.