After our counseling session today I finally found out what my H's problem is and why he had an EA.<P>He feels trapped by me. I pay all the bills while he is in school and with our 3 kids he feels like he can't stay or leave. He is trapped. That's why he has lost his love for me and it's also why he feels he is a horrible husband/father. <P>I was reading one book and it suggested I let him go and realize what he's missing. I am terrified of this and don't know if I could do it, especially considering the EA that went on.<P>We are going to counseling, but my husband tells me he doesn't know how much longer he can hold on, he just feels so trapped by me, he doesn't want me around anymore. Tonight was the first night he's slept on the couch. He's had insomnia for about 6 months. He can sleep if he takes pills, but he doesn't want to depend on them and only does it 1-2 times a week. <P>Please, is there anyone else out there that has felt trapped in their relationship? What can I do to change and make him not feel trapped?? I don't want to control him or make him dependent on me, but this is how he feels!! How can I convince him to hang on and work on our marriage (right now he just keeps saying he doesn't want to be married to me and doesn't want to work on our marriage). I am so afraid he will give up (he is convinced he will never love me again) before we can fix things.<P>Thanks!

Can you tell us how old you are, how old your children are and how long you have been married? Also how long has it been since your H worked?

Your husband sounds like he is blaming his lust problem on you and the kids when it boils down to his own frustration with himself. I hate to sound harsh, but that's what it seems like to me.<P>You can't change him, only he can change his attitude. Our attitudes are shaped by our thoughts. He can change his thoughts and he definitely needs to have a job.<P>When God created Adam, He immediately gave Adam a job to tend the garden and name the animals. I think his problem is rooted in his own self-worth. That comes from on the inside of the individual.

I agree, it looks like H is using "smoke and mirrors" to shift his guilt to you. <BR>I have a little experience with this as H tried right after DD to extricate himself from his guilt by blaming me, AND the kids, for what he was feeling. He still does it to an extent now and that is what is frustrating, he cannot admit that this was his own choice, that the pressure he felt from myself and family, was his guilt.<BR>The counseling is a great start, maybe he needs some one on one with a counselor. Don't be ready to take his guilt as your own. <BR>It is a long path you are on, but this site is full of help and friends to 'talk' to, L

Hi there,<P> I agree with the others......if it wasn't that he felt "trapped" it would be something else. This is typical affair behavior and he needs someone (YOU) to blame.Guaranteed that if you didn't pay the bills he would feel "trapped" by having to provide for you. You will never win this game. <P>He had the affair , you didn't CAUSE it.....LU<BR>

We're both 26, been married 8 years and been together 10 years. Our kids are 6, 2 and 1. My husband has worked off and on over the past 8 years, the last time was just over a year ago (he had to quit because we moved). He is the primary caretaker of our children and he goes to school full-time, that was his job.<P>He is however now starting a 3rd shift job tomorrow so that he can "be prepared" to leave me when things don't work out.<P>I think my post was a little misleading. When we filled out the Emotional Needs and Love Busters, I was everything my husband needs/wants, EXCEPT that he thinks I try to force him to stay with me when he doesn't want to and I try to force my morals onto him (he should stay with his family, not go off and be with OW, etc.)<P>He truly does feel trapped, I understand that now. He has become extremely dependent on me (mostly for money), but in other respects as well. I'm not saying it's my fault, and I do agree this is mostly inside of him, but how do I get him to believe we can work it out and our marriage is worth trying to get back? He admits we had 5-6 years of bliss where he loved me unconditionally, then our middle child was born, and things went downhill from there. I tell him we can get that back!!! But he says, no, we can't - it's too late.<P>I believe he does need counseling to feel better about himself (it's pretty bad, he feels the kids are better without him, he's a horrible person, bad parent, etc). I just need ideas on how to give him hope. He says the future looks bleak to him and he has nothing to look forward to.<P>But yet, he tells me he's doing the best he can to try and get over his EA and giving me everything he can right now. In his heart, he just doesn't want to try on our marriage - he wants to quit and leave.

As hard as it may sound... if my husband told me that, I would ask him to leave, if he feels that way. I could not have my husband stay, making me believe he is a prisoner in his own home. I can just about bet that if he leaves, it won't be long until he comes back. He'll realize that he's living in a fantasy world. He needs a reality check. Take it out of your hands, and let what happens happen. Whatever does, it will be for the best.

I agree that asking him to leave might be the best way to go. He is not living in reality. Whe he leaves he will realize that he is not trapped by you. The reality is that he has responsibilities whether he's with you or not. He will continue to have those responsibilities with our without you. What he will find is that when there are children involved life get harder with our your spouse, not easier.<P>E

Actually, one thing I forgot to mention. He did leave for the OW. Told me to tell the kids he was dead (previously I had told him it would be easier if I thought he was dead which is where that came from).<P>I packed up the kids and went away, didn't tell him where I was and he couldn't reach me. He was miserable. It was only after he managed to get a message to me that I finally called the day after. I had no plans to return but, of course when he started saying he was miserable and missed the kids and wanted me to come home so we could work something out, I caved. He still was adamant he did not love me, but there was a SMALL chance things could work out for us, so I jumped.<P>My caveat: No girlfriend, and he did it eventually. He had minimal contact with her until she left on her "trip". Right now he has no way of contacting her and he is considering their relationship over. Oh, she'll be back in the area in June and I'm sure sparks will fly then, but for now, I'm just trying to win his heart back. Of course, he's still not over her so it makes it impossible. Slowly I seem to be getting through as time passes... <P>So now, he stays because he wants to see the kids and is trying to give me one more chance (but I say it's not a real chance because you want to leave and are not trying to get our marriage back). To that he says, I'm giving you all I can right now, and I'm trying, I'm going to counseling, my heart is just not into it and I don't believe it will work. And in the meantime he's trying to make my life as happy as he can, holding me, cuddling me, being great friends, having sex. <P>My theory for now is that he truly does feel trapped/dependent on me and has ever since our second child was born. That is why he eventually fell out of love with me and it's what drove him to her. She makes him feel free to do what he wants, no responsibilities AND she does not make him feel horrible about himself (whereas whenever he looks at me or sees me being affectionate he gets real sad because it reminds him of all the pain he's caused me and how he doesn't love me). I try to tell him that I and the kids would be in way MORE pain if he left, but he does not think so, he thinks we are better off without him. So, now with the OW out of the picture, I'm trying to meet his Emotional Needs by not making him feel trapped and just trying to get him to realize why our relationship is worth saving.<P>But in the meantime, he gets these bouts where he just starts to feel really trapped again (can't stay, can't leave) and just wants out of the whole thing, says he doesn't know how much longer he'll last. This is what I was writing about. I guess he's trapped because if he stays, he's miserable (I'm trying to make our marriage work, but he sees it as forever being miserable), and if he leaves, he misses the kids and is miserable that way.<P>Yes, I know he is confused, I don't understand it all either. All I know is we're going to counseling and he keeps telling me he's trying his best. I hate to throw him out and ruin the one chance I have left (yes, he WANTS to leave and tells me over and over, but he's not doing it - I've told him to leave at least 10 times the last 2 weeks). He just says he can't because the situation isn't right with the kids. So, technically, I guess I would need to kick him out for him to really leave me.<P>BTW: He desperately still wants to stay my friend if we break up. That's how he describes me now: a great friend/companion that he just doesn't love.<P>I know in my heart that if I could just give him hope and convince him to try to work it out that his love will come back for me eventually. He just wants to give up but is not willing to live with the consequences.<P>What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are pretty far from the rest of the crew on this one. He sounds depressed. And he's dealing with the fact that the two of you married at such a young age---and he's probably not feeling paricularly successful as a father, a husband, or a 26 year-old man. He sounds like he has lousy self-esteem, which is common for people who engage in affairs.<P>If your counselor isn't focused on solutions (a behavioralist or SBT counselor), I'd suggest that you might want to try some phone counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). The fact that he's attempting counseling is a good thing---and I can't see where throwing him out will be a positive thing. The MB counseling is focused on rebuilding romantic love (through dealing with behavioral issues), and it sounds like it's just the thing he needs.<P>You're dealing with a depressed husband who's going through the withdrawal of an affair. Steve or Jenn will be able to help give you AND your husband hope, and they'll work with you to establish a sensible plan to deal with your husband's behaviors.

Thanks K. I actually talked to my husband about that this morning. He said one counselor was all he could handle right now and we should just stick with that one. I was thinking of just calling them up by myself and see what they suggested, I wasn't sure how helpful that would be though.<P>Honestly, deep down, I agree with you, K. I think it is the reason why I stay and put up with the misery. He didn't have a PA, I've convinced myself of that (I did my dirty-work), if he did, he knows I would be gone in a heartbeat. I feel like he needs me and I want to be there to help him, he says I'm crazy for staying with him.<P>If you talk to him though, he says I distort the truth, he is fine, doesn't suffer from depression at all, and knows exactly what he wants - to be rid of me (of course, 2 months ago, pre-girlfriend it was: he doesn't deserve me and needs to leave to ensure me and the kids are happy since I won't leave him no matter how horrible he is). But his actions, the events that have occurred and how they happened just say otherwise. I feel loved even though he tells me he doesn't love me (granted, not all the time, but sometimes). We have different ideas on what love is, he calls the love I feel friendship/companionship, his idea of love is what he has/had for his girlfriend and what we had when we first met. I think the counselor agrees with me by the questions he asks my husband, but I am not sure.<P>Thanks for your advice. Think I should call them up on my own?

hurtbyhubby:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Think I should call them up on my own?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that they might help you deal with your situation. I'm not sure how your counseling sessions are going, or what the approach is, so it's a little tough for me to give you my usual assertive (opinionated) answer. One of the things that I loved about the phone counseling with Steve and Jenn is that even when it's "couples" counseling---it's really not. You are rarely on the phone together---it's basically one-on-one sessions discussing how YOUR partner is doing with their marital skills, and how YOU are doing with yours.<P>What he's telling you is typical "withdrawal/affair" talk. In the case of my wife's affair, she was deeply unhappy with our marriage (and while I wasn't thrilled about the state of it either, I really had no clue how unhappy she was). She was also depressed about losing our jobs and moving out of our home. Her affair started as an internet EA, and became a physical affair. While I plan A'ed her, I heard all the classic "affair lines". She nearly convinced me that she had never loved me, married me for the wrong reasons, and was truly in love with her <I>one-in-a-million</I> soulmate (I like solemate better---like something you get stuck to your shoe... ). I would listen to her respectfully, and not fight about her "feelings" (as Steve taught me to do), but I also know that they were based simply on the high that she would get from the affair.<P>Steve was instrumental in leading me through this maze of utter confusion, as well as helping me learn to become a better husband during some trying times. We got through Plan A, a "end" of the affair, the restart a few weeks later, a Plan B, a restart of Plan A (after she became pregnant by the OM), and the eventual real "end" of the affair. The single best decision I ever made during this entire mess was to call Steve a few days after discovery---he was a very calm, encouraging, knowledgeable voice during those turbulent times.<P>And we've since done counseling with Steve and Jenn. They really are terrific. I can't guarantee that you'll end up saving your marriage---but I can pretty much guarantee that you will feel that you've done YOUR best in pursuit of it, and that you'll end up feeling like a success no matter what. We have successful examples of both (restored marriages and divorces) here.<P>

K, thank you so much. It feels like you are describing my husband to the "T". You must be an incredible person to go through so much pain and still remain loyal to your wife and take her back. I know I couldn't do it, dealing with what I have is hard enough.<P>Thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me hope. I am going to set up a call by myself for now, I pray they can help.

Hi- I wanted to let you know my H says similar things and he is in withdrawal from his A which had a heavy emotional attachment. My H had convinced himself that 'our marriage was over in his head' and that he didnt love me romantically anymore- this enabled him to rationalize his A to himself in his head before I found out about it 3 mo ago. My H even went so far as to file for divorce on me saying we were incompatible, didnt have much in common from the beginning, he didnt think therapy could help etc. We have 3 kids and no way was I ever going to agree to a divorce even though he talked like that. That night we had a marriage counseling appointment and we went and H confessed that OW pressured him to divorce me! Thats how emotionally involved they were! He cancelled the papers the next day. Since then he's gone back and forth several times- claiming he wants out of our marriage but then in a day or two changing his mind. I have realized his talk is a man who is depressed and in withdrawal from his EA- so not to take what he says very seriously. I try to avoid bringing up upsetting topics and I talk about our future plans together. Just last night he started going to counseling WILLINGLY for a change- I was shocked! We made lists to to take there of 6 things we wanted our spouse to do for us to show us they care about us. He really seemed to LIKE the assignment. I just urge you to be patient. To allow your H to work thru the EA he had without pressuring him for more affection. Time will tell if things will work out for you. Take care- lifeismessy<BR>

hurtbyhubby:<P>You're quite welcome. One thing you have said strikes a familiar chord:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know I couldn't do it, dealing with what I have is hard enough.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Until you have to face it, you really don't know what you're capable of. I would have never thought we would have gotten through all of what we did---but we did. And I'll say it again that it was a most reassuring feeling to have Steve on my side, coaching me through this process. He really helped me to focus on the job at hand.<P>God bless---and good luck with the counseling.<BR>

I'm getting the same sort of phrases from my WH too - He feels trapped and wants to run away, he wants to 'find himself', 'follow his heart', he's 'found his soulmate' and will not even consider giving our marriage a single chance at all, he's absolutely convinced that he does NOT want to be with me any more. Blah, blah, blah. <P>It was only when I joined this message board and read all the other posts where the WS was saying exactly the same things as mine, that I realised that what he was saying was just a load of nonsense - just as if there's a script been written especially for WS's! Now that I know this, it's easier to keep going, easier to keep the hope alive, easier to just wait. If I start to despair again, then I just come back here and vent, ask advice, and someone will give me a boost back up again.<P>I think you are right to consult with Steve Harley - I would LOVE to do this - but I just can't afford it at the moment. <P>Good luck, Paint