This letter is basically by the "tough love" book, with a lot of personalization. Not yet sent, will reviw tomarrow. Sure would like some opinions. Thanks guys, as I wrote it I felt it. Hope that is a good sign. Edited names, guess I am still trying to protect him in some ways. <P><BR>It's a strange thing, (H), how one can loose all perspective while being so close to a problem. It is difficult to see the issues clearly. That is what has happened to me in the last few months. But during our last conversation I had an epiphany and now I see everything in a much clearer light. It is incredible how foolish I have been since you began and continued your affair, even with the knowledge of how it affected everyone in your life, including yourself. I have tolerated your unfaithfulness for the past 10 months and was even so naive as to believe that it was something you "could not stop". It amazes me that I felt understanding and compassion. I guess I just loved you so much that I was willing to do anything, just to keep you by my side.<P> I'll tell you now, Lowell, those days are over! If you want to go, you can certainly do so. In fact, that may be for the best. We have many details to sort out, and it will probably have to be through third parties. Although, you may not want me for a wife, I don't think you want me as an enemy. As husband and wife, the trust has been broken and is probably something that cannot be restored. As business partners, we need to retain a certain amount of trust. I am very much aware that I was not the perfect wife, but no man has ever touched me since I pledged my love to you. You violated my trust-I'm no longer special to you. I would rather face life alone than be subjected to the continued disrespect and disaffection, according to your whims. If (OW) is the one you want, I hope you will find what you are looking for. I'm still not sure how something that began so right and so wonderful became so dirty and distorted. We will both have to give answer some day, and my conscience is clear.<P> So where do we go from here, (H)? I've been doing some intensive thinking, and truly believe that you should go this weekend and continue on your way. There is no need for you to return for a few days and then leave again to "shack up" with Freda for the summer. You say you're mesmerized and this is something you "must do". Not very inspiring to me. You pledged to me that you would never leave me for another woman, yet you are doing just that. Your honor is severely compromised.<P> If - after the summer you decide you want to be my husband, then we'll talk about it. I make no promises, however. I am doing everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself any more pain. It's not going to be easy. You were the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But that was then, and this is now.<P> May God go with you, (H).<P> You will be missed.<BR> <BR>

I hesitate to respond to this one, but I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, so here goes... Only you can know what you are really trying to say, but this does sound very 'sane', maybe sobering is the better word. While I can't offer a really valid opinion on the content, I would suggest writing down the most important points you want to make - in order of importance. Then re-read your letter and see if it is saying what you 'really' want it to say. And also remember that if H really takes the time to read it closely and understand what you are really saying, that these are the words and thoughts you are leaving with. Is this what you will feel next week, week after?<P>Also, just a real nit-picky one (can't resist) "...lose all perspective..." is spelled "lose" instead of "loose" - sorry, I'm an anal speller I guess :-)<P>Wishing you the best and I can say that I really do feel some of your pain as I read this. Be strong.<P>

Hi WAI,<P>You have composed a heartfelt yet firm letter. The intent of tough love. You did say at one point that the trust probably can not be restored. Do you mean that as a permanant thing? Will H zero in on your comments like that and use it against you? <P>Just a word of caution. If you know you mean everything you said, then it is good to send. Just make sure you are willing to live with it. I had to do the same thing.<P>I can see you gave it some thought and the purpose of you sending it here is to get some objective opinions. Hope this has not been too harsh. Just want you to have the best opportunity possible with this letter. <P>Your last paragraph is good. You have stood firm yet given some hope. You ended with keeping the respect for yourself. <P>My 2 cents. <P>L.

Bill,<BR>Thanks for the reply. Have corrected my lose spelling in the original text. I really do try. *(edits) *Or should I say loose. <P>H and I have hashed and rehashed all the reasons, felt there was no need to itemize them again. I have had months of plan Aing, and no visible progress. Believe that is what he will remember. This letter says... "Doormat, no more"! <P>This is a Dr. ("Love must be tough") Dobson scenario, H has been insulting throughout and yet I was loving. H wonders how in the world can she take all this and keep her self respect. Now without warning, her entire demeanor changes. Among other things he asks if he is losing something very important to him. He wasn't ready.<P>What I said, is what I feel. No manipulation intended. At this point and, I believe in the future, I will have no regrets.<P>BTW, why are you here? ON line spell checker? Anyway, thanks again for your concern and suggestions, they made me think.<BR>God bless, JS<p>[This message has been edited by whatami (edited May 22, 2001).]

Orchid, <P>Thanks. I really do feel that I in no way want to return to a life of disrespect and disaffection. Being without him is not a life threating event. Being with him, without him doing the 180, is. This OW thing sent me over the top. Do I still love him, I honestly don't know.<P>Hugs and prayers to you and your situation. We really need to be strong, no one is going to do it for us.

JS,<P>Yeah, just consider me to be the spelling cop on here ;-) (I seriously hope I'm adding more value than that) At least you're keeping your sense of humor through this...<P>So why am I here? Looking for some answers (or at least the right questions) like so many others. Trying to make the best of... you know what I mean? Life is full of difficult choices, not to be made lightly. I think it helps to just talk these things out to keep a clear(er) perspective.<P>So don't answer any personal questions in case there's someone you wouldn't want on here to see, but noticed from your bio you're from FL. What part? I've been away for just over a year and miss it very much.<P>Wishing you the best, and strength, through what I can only imagine is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life.<P><BR>

I think your letter is firm, but it also is sending mixed messages. In one line u say "As husband and wife, the trust has been broken and is probably something that cannot be restored.", then u go on to say "If - after the summer you decide you want to be my husband, then we'll talk about it. I make no promises, however. I am doing everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself any more pain. It's not going to be easy. You were the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But that was then, and this is now."<BR>If u don't feel that the trust can be restored, if you are going to do everything possible to remove him from your heart, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU AND THE MARRIAGE? Which is it? Is this a Plan B/Tough Love letter or is this the final kiss off forever? In my opinion u don't sound to sure yourself.

I need to send this letter ASAP, WH is leaving for long weekend with OW' at yet another resort, Thursday. Want him to receive it before he goes.<P>Bill9,<BR>Yes, you have contributed more than just spelling lessons. I am sometimes very arbitrary in my thinking, so the input here is extremely important. The more I reread the ideas expressed in this letter, the more I know it is the only thing I can I add to what H and I have already said. I do feel that in a week or two, I will feel better for having had the backbone to stand up to him. He really wants everone to like him and manipulates people so that they do. <BR>Think you need a confidence shake. Sorry you sound very depressed. Central Florida, in the land of cowboys and indians. Big change from the east coast of FL. where I spent most of my years.<BR> <P>T24,<BR>Have changed the "probably cannot be restored to ... "possibly not restored". Good point by all. Yes, this is possibly the "kiss off" or the "wake up". Mixed messages are not that bad. H has certainly given me volumes of them over the past months and years. They have kept me in quandry for a long time. Made me obsess with the situation. Just a dose of the same medicine. Not sure of myself? Who is. Not H, not me, and probably not OW. But OW is making all the plans and H is buying in. Why would he want to come back? Could be that now there is a challenge. Would I take him back? Only if he is willing to give it all that he has. And that is now ... if he waits to long, the door may be shut.<P>If any of you have read Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." this letter is a copy. Names and situations have been modified to fit my own. <P>During a decent plan A, the affair flucuated, but OW was always there to steer the course into her own domain where she had control. <P>Wanted to make WH know that what he thought he could always regain, when and if it was "his" choice is slipping away. The options are closing in. <P>Our marriage of 17 years is typical. Ups and downs, in's and out's. But then came the HS sweetie at the same time as the MLC, and then the "FOG". It's lifting for me.<P>Let go, Let God. Whatever direction this takes, He will not fail me.<P>Love, prayers and thanks to you all. What a great group of people. JS <P>

UPDATE...<P>Faxed H the letter. He was here early the next morning and responded ( the first time he has acknowledeged my emails and faxes since this began). He was upset.<P>Said that I made him out to be a terrible person and that he was the same person I met. Now what does that mean? He was always a wayward soul (it,s been 17 years.)?<P>We had a very intense discussion. He even called me "Honey" in the heat of it. Can,t remember the last time he used that term of endearment, he so rarely used my name I actually thought that Honey was my given name. <P>Told him I knew that he was going to meet OW this weekend, which is where he is at now. He said you don't know where I am going. I DO. Told him what the letter said is what I intended to do and please do not contact me again. H said he needed to for the business.<P>I do want a renewall and a fresh start for this marriage, but I am afraid if I allow myself to weaken, he will loose what respect he has gained for me. Plan A just seems to give him a comfort level. BTW, I am also afraid that if I weaken I will lose the respect I have gained for myself. <P>Should I just hang it up and hope for the best, which may be that I actually do shut him out of my heart?<P>Sorry guys, like H says, I'm just too emotional. <P>Hugs and prayers to you all.<BR>