There is a huge difference between going to church and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. But even those who know that and have the relationship are not immune to sin. We all are born with free will and have the power to make choices, both good and bad. Becoming a Christian doesn't change that. What it does do is give us an avenue for forgiveness and healing.<P>There are hundreds more stories like yours and mine. My husban's affair was with a single woman in our now former church. But the important part of the story isn't that he had an affair or who it was with or whether they went to church while the affair was going on. The important part of the story is that God heard his cries of anguish to get him out of the mess he had created and orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair. What is important is that God prepared me for the news and then gave us both the strength to face the mess and make the journey to healing.<P>Adultery has been going on for centuries and that isn't going to change. What Christians need to do is begin looking at how we prepare people for marriage and how we mentor them through it. How do we treat them when trouble strikes? Are churches a safe place for people in crisis to go for help? Most churches march couples down the aisle and say prayers over them and then send them on their way without ever offering them any foundation to begin with or any guidance about marriage afterwards. My prayer is that my husband and I continue to get opportunities to share with couples who are beginning the marriage journey and to offer help to those who are in need of support during troubled times. That is how we make a difference out of the pain we experienced.<P>Didn't mean to give a sermon here....but this subject gets me going. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I found it interesting to see that it appears more women that had affairs were "active" in church than men or that atleast responded here.<P>My x was active in the church too. She had been a born again Christian since Jr. High. <P>She was active through out the EA (several months to best of my knowledge). She stopped going shortly before our separation almost 2 yrs ago. She went a few times with om to a "friend" of theirs church, but then stopped.<P>She was supposedly to go to another church but missed the service according to the kids, and has never gone back to my knowledge.<P>She refuses to take the kids when she has them, thats her day to sleep in. I imagine I will have a problem next year when daughter has confirmation classes.<P><BR> One of "my" defficiencies in x's eyes was that I wasn't the spiritual head of the household. Now neither she nor om/h go. OM's x said he was a Christian too.

I, as the WS, continued to go to church, each time, hoping and praying that the minister would say something that would touch me so deeply.. that GOD would reach out to me and say.. "Stop, this is wrong.." I searched, I prayed, I hoped for that feeling.. but it never came. I didn't have the strength and I didn't feel the guilt that I wanted to feel. Part of me still doesn't, because my H continues to berate, chastize, and criticize me.. in addition to bringing up the A every single day. Emotions are incredibly powerful.

Once again, I feel HGBrawner hit the nail on the head. There are a lot of people in church that go through the motions, that are "religious", but do not actually have a relationship with Jesus Christ. And that is the difference.<P>Some may call them hypocrites, and these "hypocrites" are what give churches a bad reputation when others see this happening. That saddens me. And I agree, too, that we are all potential victims of sin whether we go to church or not.<P>My WS (H) and I went to church at this time. We weren't spiritual at all, though, just took up pew space on Sunday mornings, and that's about it. We were singing songs, bowing our heads, tithing, all for about an hour and a half on Sundays, but the rest of the week we were in our own little worlds behaving according to what WE thought, felt, wanted. Basically no better off than if we had been out fishing the previous Sunday morning.<P>For us, we have gradually grown more as true Christians, spiritually, over the past few years, especially my H. And that is what led him to reveal what he did four years ago to me now. And we are praying and relying on God more than ever now, each and every minute of our days, not just Sunday mornings.<P>What does concern me are those that continue in leadership roles in the church while actively involved in A's. I know leaders in churches are not immune to sin, but I would hope they would step down if they know that they are involved in such. That REALLY saddens me. <P>But I do wonder this, that even though "church people" can be involved in the sin of adultery, I wonder if the fact that they were involved in church makes it more likely that they return to their marriages and become stronger spiritually for going through it.<P>So for those whose WS's went to/involved with church at time of A...how do you think it affected your marriage's end result.<BR>(I sure hope positively).

I agree with Dorie. Those in church leadership positions who have affairs should step down when their affair is revealed. Of course, they should step down when it begins, but the ability to rationalize and compartmentalize is strong. <P>I believe this is the main thing that allows people to continue to be active in their churches while involved in affairs. The sin so controls their thinking and ability to see reality that they manage to live two lives. It doesn't mean that they are bad people, just that they have give control to the wrong entity. I know that my husband is a born-again Christian and was at the time of his affair. The sin didn't change that. His relationship with Jesus Christ is what changed him and gave him the abillty to face the sin and the consequences.<P>Let's also remember that one sin is no worse than another. There are many, many people who attend church faithfully and present themselves as Christians while involved in sin. Adultery is no worse than.....addiction to alchohol or drugs....addiction to pornography or gambling....gossip.....cheating on their taxes.....habitual lying....and many other sins that remain secret.<P>All we can do is put our eyes on Jesus and use Him as our guide. People will let us down nearly every time.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Nyneve, interesting that the Om in my life is a serial-cheater too. I never considered seriously pursuing any man other than my H before meeting him. I guess there was one just before but I still had a brain then and introduced him to my best friend and now they are happily married for 5 mos.<P>Leighann, I was just like you. I hoped to get caught..preferably by God. I even told myself if someone even questioned or finally confronted me, I would end it right away. <P>After I confessed, people said: I was waiting for you to come to me. Is that really Christian love? To see your pastor sliding towards hell and not show concern.<P>Yes, I did wrong but H forgave and so did Christ. People won't like to hear it here likely but you have to look after your shepherds as their flock or else you let him/her stray from the fold. That should never happen. Obviously it does or we wouldn't be posting this topic. <P>Where do you cross the line of disrespect/friendly distance (to MYOB)? I would rather have someone ask me how my soul is and if I am right with God than wink at my sin and chide me when it's already too late. I know not all would but I don't think it's meddling to confront someone if you think they are doing wrong. You just might save a relationship or two...with God and the person's spouse and their family, too! And the church, etc....<P>Nyneve, thank you for affirming me when I was so nervous to tell. <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Yes, my WH was a deacon for 15 years and was in charge of the baptisms. He sat in church throughout the whole affair, but Sunday afternoons were horible for him, too much conviction. My WH was dis fellowshiped from our church body two weeks ago. They read scripture and said that he was out of fellowship with God and was living in sin and would not repent. Most people in the church were crying and the elder who had to do it cried. The purpose is to restore back to the Lord and cleanse the body of Christ. Because if more churchs publically disciplined adultrers, people would think twice about doing it. It was hard on me and my kids, but I think it was the right thing to do. God is a serious boss, when we break the rules he means business and I do know that my WH is in a scary place without the comfort of our church family. I pray that he will be so miserable that he will repent and come back to the Lord, that is the most important thing for all of us now. Satan is powerful and definitely working on destroying all churchs.

My husband, who has cheated on me for over 10 yrs. with another man, is the head pastor of our church. Unfortunately, in 99% of conservative churches such as ours, if he had confessed his weakness and said he needed help at any time in the 10 years, he probably would have been fired. This would have sent our family into financial and emotional ruin. People always want their pastor, and his family, to be perfect. Pastors probably have fewer resources when it comes to getting help than anyone, because their jobs and lives are on the line and they don't know who they can trust to keep everything confidential. I am not excusing any sinful behavior, of course. My husband will most probably lose his job and family in the end, I am still sorting through things. For those of you who are members of churches, maybe you could do something to help your church realize that pastors and their families often have problems and need help and should not have to be so afraid to seek help. If we had gotten help 10 years ago, we might have made it "till death do us part."

Christains make mistakes too??? <P>i read through this topic to seay.....yep...i attended church while my affair was going on. every sunday...and every sunday i pleaded with God to take that desire for that OM from me! then on MOnday...id drive by his house....stop by end up in bed...blah blah blah.<P>Does knowing God EXCEPT you from sn?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!<P>Does Knowig God tempt you into sin?? YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!<P>To those who know who JEsus is.....also know who satan is. and those who know both of these people.. aslo know that satan wants badly for chrstians to have bad name. In the end....satan loses!! period! but in teh mean time he is spiteful enough to tempt those to sin and then laugh in their face when he succeeds. he wants to take down as many people as he can. <P>US christains....not only fall to temptataion.....but WE also are the first to judge harshly. WE also tend to think we are above being disiplined. The truth is...those who speak with a split tongue(those who were "faithful" to those sundays, are severly judged by God NOT us...<P><BR>anyhow...enough of that.. yes i attended church...and i felt sick as hell everytime i left. very guilty..<P>mercy