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#915722 05/24/01 01:06 AM
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<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

#915723 05/24/01 09:16 AM
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Anyone????

#915724 05/24/01 09:19 AM
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Plan-A works for me. <BR>Please see my post under_ we will aii walk out as a winner.<BR>TTL2

#915725 05/24/01 02:05 PM
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I'm working on Plan A.<P>I'm certainly not perfect at it, b/c I continue to LB at the most inopportune moments. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>However, when I do avoid those big ol' LB's, I do notice quite a change in H. He is more responsive, and comes out of the 'fog' for longer stretches.<P>I will only officially count myself in Plan A for about 1 month now. How long before I try plan B is hard to say. As suggested, I'm taking one day at a time, and I'll see what works best for my situation.<P>Karen<BR>

#915726 05/24/01 03:01 PM
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I was in Plan A since the "not in love with you" speech a year ago. Three months into it, I found out about the OM (something she "forgot" to tell me about during the speech). Continued to Plan A for another three months.<P>Harley called my Plan A "flawless". My W said that I became the "perfect husband, and absolute angel". Then she told me she was moving out (her affair never ended).<P>At that point, I was relieved, as I had nothing left to give. I wallowed in no-man's land for the two months that she was packing and preparing to move.<P>Then, a few weeks after she left, I went into Plan B, and have been there for the last three months.<P>In hindsight, I'm glad that I Plan A'd as long as I did. It made me feel better about myself, and it did show my W a side of me that she had forgotten about.<P>Where I would have done things differently is making a swifter transition from A to B. I think the two month wallowing period allowed her to "forget" the improvements I made, so that when I went into Plan B, it wasn't as much of a shock. Harley recommends commencing a Plan B directly on the heels of a good Plan A.<P>Regardless, Plan B has been an incredibly good experience for me. I am no longer exposed to daily signs of her affair, I don't have to listen or put up with her antics (disappearances, unpredictability, and what not), and I focus 100% on myself and the kids. I have gotten comfortable with the idea of being divorced, and I am moving on. My W's life, OTOH, is pure hell (her own words). She is finally getting a reality check of all the things that she took for granted about me, and she is realizing (and admitting) that I was a great guy to put up with all the crap.<P>No sings yet of her taking any steps to fix the damage, but it doesn't matter. The whole point of Plan B is to detach, and I feel as detached as can be, which is really a good feeling after 6 months of a one-sided Plan A.<P>AGG

#915727 05/24/01 04:25 PM
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<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

#915728 05/24/01 04:42 PM
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I'm working on plan A - but getting very tired.<P>My H is not actively in the A at this time. It 'ended' last Oct. but he is still insisting that he is going to leave. I think the withdrawal is still huge for him. I have only been officially in plan A for a couple of months. Some days it seems that things are getting better, then there are days like today where he is so withdrawn that he dosen't even make good sense. <P>In the mean time, I keep up with plan A - the real benefit to me is that I can see huge positive changes in myself. I feel better about me. Hang in there...whatever you choose to do - give it all you've got.

#915729 05/24/01 04:58 PM
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First I was in Plan A (13+ solid months)...<BR>...I missed it's major purpose(s) at first...<BR>...make me a better husband/father/man...<BR>...a bit over 2 months into it I figured it out...<BR>...and while the (no response from xW) was tough...<BR>...<B>all</B> and I do mean <B>ALL</B> of my other relationship were vastly improved...<BR>...(especially... directed by my faith)<P>Then (2 months before divorce)... I went into Plan B...<BR>...It was the right time for me...<BR>...and I am still in Plan B (2+ months after the divorce)...<BR>...on the down curve ... passed the "critical" stage...<BR>...and very healthy from it!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 27, 2001).]

#915730 05/24/01 05:02 PM
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Well, I did plan A from the speech until last summer. I don't know what I could have changed because he had no real complaints about me...it was more that he had changed, though he could not really say into what.<P>Just that he was unhappy, and needed to change everything. And he did. His is more of an identity crisis.<P>I began plan B, but then was told by H that ow was pregnant. I wasn't surprised. Kind of knew it was coming because her H told me she was worried that he was going to come back to me. I unfortunately got sucked back into the open door method...because of his whining about how difficult his life was, how unhappy he was and how much he wanted to see the kids. He also wanted to "talk"...<P>Bad move on my part. For some STUPID reason I believed that two 40 something married professionals would get the picture that this is not jr. high school anymmore, but they didn't...and as my H hit a comfort zone again, he began lieing etc. <P>ANd since OW seemed to create a new "reality" for them at work...(everyone knew) It all just seemed to be accepted.<P>I thought the best thing for me to do was to pick up and move. A new plan B...but to really detach, especially because my kids still have NO clue.<P>It really angered my H, and he filed for D...and his own parenting plan which gave him the kids for half the week. His mom came to help him do this. I was the "evil one" taking the kids from their father. I really hit rock bottom and pretty much decided I no longer want to be responsible for him and his mess, or his relationship or lack of with the kids. I don't see him coming anywhere close to reality...even though he has been in counseling for over a year.<P>He can function very well at work...so there is no suffering there. I'm afraid that two many bridges have been burned.<P>At present, I am just moving in my own direction and if he ever gets the picture he can catch up. But I guess I'm doing plan A when about the kids, but plan b regarding me, my life, my choices, my emotions. Very difficult, but it is working at least for me, and my kids seem to be happier being with their dad more. I don't know what will happen when they find out about the baby, OW, or if H and OW do actually get together.<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited May 24, 2001).]

#915731 05/24/01 05:21 PM
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NSR<P>I am in Plan A - only officially for about 2 months<P>-I was in it for longer - but didn't really understand the 'truly unconditional' love part - that's why only officially for about 2 months<P>-the up and down emotions of my H are very hard to deal with. I find it difficult to keep the big picture and not get bogged down in hurt when he has a bad day or says something that seems to negate any progress we have made<P>-my other relationships along with a general peace within myself have improved greatly<P>-I know that God is using this time to work on me and to bring my focus back where it needs to be<P>No plan B yet - but H says he is moving out soon. May happen then.

#915732 05/24/01 07:28 PM
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I am in plan A and have been for 3 months now. I have tryed hard to fill my H's EN's during this time. I needed alot of improvement in this area before the A so now that I'm working hard at plan Aing he's noticing a big difference. I don't have too much problem with LBing and it's been going pretty well. I started this on d-day, also the day he moved out to live with OW but I see him regularly.<BR>Is it working? It's really hard to tell because my H doesn't communicate much about anything to do with A. I know that we seem to have created a new friendship that gives me hope. The future will tell.

#915733 05/24/01 11:20 PM
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jdmac1,<P>While I understand the need for reassurance at times that what we are doing is going to work, there are NO GUARANTEES in life. Your question and the manner in which you posed it is disturbing to me, especially the following: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well I haven't decided if I even want to go to the effort of plan A. My main objective has been to get her back. The thought of a onesided plan a is hard for me to take.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If the idea of working and fighting for your marriage is in the slightest bit distasteful to you, then you don't want your wife back. Give up now and walk away. With the attitude that this statement conveys, you wouldn't get her back anyway.<P>I am hoping that you simply do not understand everything about Plan A. It is work on YOU - and it will help you no matter what happens with your marriage. But without it, your chances of saving your marriage become much less.<P>Are you a perfect husband now? Were you a perfect husband before? Most people who have not tried Plan A at all cannot say yes to either of those questions. Heck, MOST people who HAVE tried Plan A cannot say yes to either of those questions.<P>The point I am trying to make is that it really doesn't sound to me as if you truly want to save your marriage if you can refer to attempting Plan A as an "effort" - I think that is what you need to think about. Do you want your marriage? Do you want your wife? Don't worry about how many people have found Plan A effective or not - worry about if you are going to find a way to save your marriage or if you are not going to bother.<P>Sorry if this sounds mean, but your post just hit me the wrong way...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

#915734 05/25/01 12:16 AM
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<BR><p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

#915735 05/25/01 06:05 AM
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jdmac1 - please read more about Plan A. I hate to piss you off again, but Terri is right on. That said, make your own decisions. Couples recovered long before MB existed and today couples will get back together who never heard of Plan A.<P>You sound angry - a normal state of mind on your timeline. Yep, your pride is hurt. Being betrayed is a terrible insult - if you take it personally. Have the pride to rise above that and be the stable one in your situation. How can you not take it personally, you ask? You didn't make the decision to be foolish. In hindsight, only fools can justify an affair once they're spent.<P>I intentionally did not answer your questions. Until you get over your anger, it doesn't matter whether you Plan A or not.<P>WAT

#915736 05/25/01 09:23 AM
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<BR><B>1. Do you see the plan working in your situation?</B><BR>Yes, but it has taken an incredibly loooooooooooong time. <P><B>2. Which plan you are in?</B><BR>Plan A - for life.<P><B>3. And, How long have you been in each plan?</B><BR>Went to Plan A upon discovery (didn't know what it was called that at the time). Kept at it despite SEVERE rejection. Didn't see a glimmer of hope for over 7 months. Been at it for almost 2 years and 6 months. <P><B>With everything I know about my W and what she still wants from OM, I would like to see if it is even worth the time and effort.</B><BR>I don't know where you are in the process. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. The road is long, disappointments are abundant, but I'm glad I never gave up. No matter what happens with your marriage, if you give all you can and work at healing a broken marriage, you WILL be a better man for it. With that said, it IS worth the time and effort. <P><B>At present I don't know if I have the strength to last for any length of time. I cannot see being in plan a without seeing any changes in my wife for six months.</B><BR>I will tell you right now you don't have the strength - on your own. God will provide you strength and comfort if you ask Him. Folks on this board will provide encouragement and understanding. You can't do this on your own - nobody can. Do your best Plan A, but don't look for changes in your wife, look for changes in YOU. <P>Best wishes, <P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

#915737 05/25/01 09:57 AM
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<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

#915738 05/25/01 10:25 AM
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jdmac,<P>Glad to see the tempers have flared down a bit! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>There is obviously a lot in you that wants to work on your marriage. By using Harley's concepts, you can make it happen. And if it doesn't, then even by using the plans, YOU will still come out on top!<P>Yes, it is a very hard route to take. And there are no promises. But in order to save your marriage, what other options do you have? If anything, for your own peace of mind, you should try it. Work it. Do it. Save yourself the 'what ifs' in life. The last thing you would want to have to deal with is, 'what if I did this? or what if I did that?'. By following the plans here, you won't have any regrets, either way.<P>It's a long road, but I know you can do it!<P>Karen<BR>

#915739 05/25/01 03:26 PM
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Karen, <P> Thanks! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Sometimes I need a kick in the pants.

#915740 05/25/01 03:39 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jdmac1:<BR><B> Karen, <P> Thanks! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Sometimes I need a kick in the pants.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Anytime! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Karen<BR>

#915741 05/25/01 05:05 PM
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<B>1. Do you see the plan working in your situation?</B><BR>Unfortunately I came to this site only last year after several years of an on and off affair involving my WH and the same OW. To keep it short, he left, he came back, stayed for 2 years then left again last year (rather I threw him out last year). He would have come home three months later but this time I wanted to make sure he was completely through with OW which he can't see to do. Eight months later, she's back again...but Plan A and time has done it's work and he's showing signs of wanting to work our marriage out. <P><B>2. Which plan you are in?</B><BR>Plan A - because for me...being in business together...there is no...chance of doing a really Plan B...not without sacrificing a big part of my life. I really think that if I had been able to do a Plan B this thing would have been over with a long time ago.<P><B>3. And, How long have you been in each plan?</B><BR>Although I didn't know it was a Plan A I really did a good Plan A during the first time he left and he was back home in 6 months...never had to go to Plan B. Unfortunately he wouldn't or couldn't stay away from her (and she was constantly calling him and wanting help) and finally she lured him away again. This is a good bit of MLC involved in all of this so I don't think that the OW was the only contributing factor. <P><B>With everything I know about my W and what she still wants from OM, I would like to see if it is even worth the time and effort.</B><P>Please believe me that I'm not sure about the future with my WH but I do know that I would not have changed a thing about what I have done (except possibly the Plan B if it was possible) in the last few years...it is the only thing that I could have done and still be me...and until I made the effort to begin to see my WH's side of all of this (with MB help) and begin the process of working on my mistakes in the marriage, I would not have seen the benefit of holding on all this time or have realized that it was worth the effort. Maybe you need to do the same...if nothing else it gives you a focal point to work toward while things resolve themselves with your W and OM....and I guarantee you that will come in its own time...all you need is patience, time and consistency.<P>Faye<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 25, 2001).]

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