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Joined: Dec 1999
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inamess Offline OP
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I went to see H tonight. I took some things that he needed for the race this weekend. He gave me my money. I had also taken a jacket for him to take to the race with him. <BR>He didnt want to take it. Any other time he would have wanted to take it.<P>So, we get into the discussion and he gets very upset and goes through everything from the EA till now. I never said a word. I just cried. He was crying as well. I let him tell me everything that I had done. He told me that he knew that I regreted filing for the divorce. And that I did not mean to hurt him. <P>Here is the BIGGIE!!!!!!!!!<P>I asked him about dating. He told me that he no longer had the desire for me. I left in April. He doesnt have the desire now. I asked him if he had anyone else. He looked at me in a weird way, then said "no". However, I got that kinda gut feeling. I dont know what makes me have it. Except the fact of the jacket and the look on his face.<BR>I told him that I understood how he felt and that I would not bother him. <BR>He told me he wasnt sure about the future. That if it was meant to be, it would be. WE ALL KNOW THAT LINE!!!!!!<P>He said that he just prays every night for Happiness, and Strength.<P>He told me that if I needed anything to let him know. THat he wanted me to go live my life. To go out on dates. He wanted to start dating. I told him that I didnt want to date. THat I would wait for him. That was another red flag. <P>SO HERE I AM........HE DOESNT WANT ME TO BOTHER HIM.... SO HOW CAN I PLAN A?<P>IS THIS THING WORTH EVEN TACKLING? OR DO I NEED TO ACCEPT THE REJECTION AND GO ON? <P>HE WAS VERY UPSET THAT HE HAD TO TELL ME THAT. AND HE DIDNT WANT TO HURT ME...........<P>I NEED PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>RENEE'<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Joined: May 2001
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inamess,<P> Race fan??? It is in my family to. My son and I are going to the Indy 500 this weekend. I will be praying for you.

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Renee,<P>He said that he wants to START dating? I suspect that he has already met someone to dae, or he has already started dating. He just didn't want to tell you.<P>It sounds like he wants you to start dating so that he doesn't have to feel guilt when he does/or if he is already doing it.<P>When you cross paths, keep Plan A'ing him. You're both still married to each other, right?<P>I would suggest that you don't date. Show him that you only want him.<P>I'm hoping that someone would chime in here that has had similar experience...trying to Plan A from a distance/separate households.<P>Keep your chin up. You planted a seed in your H's mind and he knows that you still want the marriage. Hopefully, he'll be thinking long & hard about this.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by inamess:<BR><B><BR>He told me he wasnt sure about the future. That if it was meant to be, it would be. WE ALL KNOW THAT LINE!!!!!!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IMO, he just told you that he's not sure. So that would mean that doing a plan A whenever you get the chance, is your best bet.<P>If you want your marriage to him back, do NOT do any dating! That will ruin your chances for now, as well as appease his guilt if he is dating now too.<P>Karen<BR>

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SKM Offline
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Inamess -<P>There used to be a couple here that posted - and I won't mention their names, but I corresponded with both of them. Basically, the wife had the A, the H was hurt, tried to Plan A for months and months. W moved out continued to be with OM, everything. They were close to filing for divorce when the wife suddenly realized that she "wasn't sure" if this was the right thing to do. <P>It was a heart-wrenching situation, because even though the H was dating someone, he still loved his wife. The wife ended up asking for second chances, but still continued to see the OM - she just couldn't break contact and ended up moving to see if being with the OM was the right thing for her. For them, it hasn't worked out. But, I do have to tell you, that the H had the biggest heart and enough love to fill an auditorium. He broke up/stopped seeing the woman who had helped him get through some tough times, in order to give his wife another chance.<P>It took the H a while to come to the decision to try one more time, but he did. The W, well, see never broke off the affair - never really gave rebuilding a shot - and unfortunately, I think she will probably have some regrets later down the road. But, just because your H doesn't seem interested, well, look at what he's been given - divorce papers by you. In his mind, you've already told him that you don't want to be married to him - so he wants to try and be with someone who does want to spend time with him, to be with him.<P>I think, the only thing you can do, is to continue to plan a, and decide for yourself how much you are willing to go through. It may seem like you give everything and he gives nothing, but perhaps you all could just be friends first, amke some positive changes in you and in your life - and that's what Plan A is all about. In order to woo anyone back, you need to first figure out who you ae and what you have to offer. You just filed in April - so give it some time - give him some time. He says that he wants you to date and go on with your life - I think, because maybe he wants to see what's out there and see, really, if anyone will love him for who he is. That doesn't mean that that someone couldn't be you. It won't be easy, and who knows if it will work out, but you have to ask yourself if it's a chance YOU'RE willing to take - knowing that he may be dating other people.<P>I would respect his wishes and not "bother him" but maybe you can ask him if you can be friends. Work on your friendship with your H first and then try to see if he is interested. In spite of your best efforts, it may not work out, but you have to know what you want and do things to at least try to get them. And, I guess, be sure that this is what you really want. . .because it won't be easy, but - at least from that other situation, the H did come around and was willing to try one more time. No, it didn't work out, but that's only because the W didn't really know what she wanted. You just have to ask yourself what you want, what you're willing to go through, what you're willing to endure. Your H doesn't know what the future will bring anymore than you do, but to me, maybe he's not completely ruling out reconciliation.

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SKM,<P>Just a question. The couple of which you speak are they heading for divorce?? I believe this next month or so will be their one year of separation won't it?<P>I take it that she did move to be with OM and hasn't looked back. That situation is so sad.<P>In any case, you have given Renee some good advice.<P>RENEE, <P>Listen to SKM she does know what she is doing and is very perseptive.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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inamess Offline OP
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H and I are still friends. I will have to see him when I go to get the dog. LOL! He has the dog 2 weeks, then I get her for 2 weeks.<P>How do I find out who I am? I wont bother him. I dont know how to Plan A if I am not around him. I just feel that he has already found someone. I dont know what to do.<P>What about me writing a letter and mailing it to him. A letter of how I feel. Just to let him know what the marriage means?<BR>THanks guys!<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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JL - The last time I saw an update, LIL was moving to be with the OM - to test the waters. The one year mark is next month, but haven't heard from SS4N since his last post when he said what had happened (LIL moving). I sent another message to LIL and - for what it's worth - she still seemed confused, but was taking a leave of absence to see how things would work out with OM. I asked her to keep in touch, but haven't heard from her since. Yes, it was a sad situation, and I don't know why I felt so attached to them both. It wasn't like we emailed all the time or anything like that, I just generally think LIL was really confused. . .and SS4N, well, what can you do when your W moves thousands of miles away to be with OM? Deep down, I think he would have given her yet another shot. . .That's hard to swallow, but he loved her so much. . .<P>Inamess - I think he kind of knows how you feel right now. I don't know if a letter would be good or not, but you could write one just to get your thoughts down on paper - doesn't mean you have to send it right now - maybe hang on to it. I think your H might need some time. I think it might be good to let him know what you're thinking - that you're having second thoughts about the divorce - but maybe not right away. You have until September - so don't rush anything, I guess, is my point.<P>Right now, he isn't interested in dating, much less, getting back together. IF it were me, I would use those times that I go to pick up the dog as a way to open up discussions - maybe even joke about sharing custody of a dog and how hard that is on all three of you. Lighten it up a bit, I guess. When my H and I were having problems, laughter did help. My H would ask me if I wanted a D, and I'd think about it but respond with "but who would get F (our cat)?" And he would follow with "you can have her during the week and alternating weekends." And, then I'd say stuff like "Maybe we'll just need to keep working on things, so F doesn't get confused and have to be the child of divorced parents."<P>I think you need to make it known how you feel and what you want, but don't expect him to jump for joy - because I think he has been hurt, maybe he has found someone else (doesn't mean it will last), and maybe he just doesn't know if he CAN get over what happened. You just need to go slowly at this point.<P>How do you find yourself? I started out by just looking in the mirror (and it took me a long time to do that without crying or cringing in disgust). Other things that I had to face - my past, the A, I actually made a list of all the qualities I liked about myself, and those that I didn't like - or needed improvement. I also did a lot of inspirational reading by some well-known Christian writers like Max Lucado and Charles Swindoll. I don't know if counseling is an option, but it wouldn't hurt. Or just read on topics such as divorce-busting, infidelity, developing marital bonds. Dr. Phil McGraw has a lot of books out on marriage, but he also has some stuff on "Life strategies" that may be helpful.<P>Just take it slow, and try not to push things because you are ready now, take it slow because your H just isn't ready right now.

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inamess,<P>I don't think that your H is serious about anyone else. As a BS, trust me - it takes a very long time to get one's self-esteem back up to par, and thinking about seeing anyone seriously or getting involved with another just doesn't cross the mind. Many times a BS will have very strong feelings that since he/she failed at the marriage, he/she must be a failure as a person, and that no one will want them. That's sort of the way I felt during my H's EMR.<P>Secondly ... well, this hurts to say this. If he *is* seeing someone and lying to you about it, he is perhaps using the cues that you gave him in the marriage. Did you lie to him? Sneak around? Hide things? Some BS's will automatically assume a tit-for-tat mentality and treat the WS exactly the way that they were treated. It may be conscious or not. <P>I think that the only thing you can do is give him his time and space. This is a devastating thing to overcome, inamess. Devastating. My H moved away to live with the XOW for four months, and when he came back, I admit - I was NOT ready for him to come back. It was very rocky, particularly when I found out that he was still in contact with the XOW. We had to separate all over again. Once you've been burned that badly, it is *very* hard to trust.<P>Please understand - your H probably does still love you. But he is protecting himself the only way he knows how right now. Give him time to heal.<P>belld

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inamess Offline OP
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I talked to H today. I told him that in counseling they did not recommend no communication. Because you could not meet each others needs. I felt that if we did not communicate then there wasnt a way to do that even if it was by phone. He told me that he done better when he didnt see me. I told him that when I left I just wanted to fine myself. I wanted to be a more domestic wife like he wanted. I wanted to learn how to do that. He said he was just real messed up right now and confused. He COULD NOT SAY WHETER THERE WAS A CHANCE OR NOT.....<P><BR>I was very nice. I told him that understood how and why he felt the way that he did. I did not resent him for it. I felt that way once as well. My only hope to have some contact with him is by getting the dog. I am suppose to get her one week and he one week.<P>I am going up to get the dog tonight. What do I tell him? What do I say? He knows that I love him. I know that he loves me. I really dont think that he has someone. If he does it is just something new. <P>I do want to form myself to be that wife that he once had. The powerful lady that he thought that I was. He told me that he worries about me, due to the nervous breakdown. I told him not to worry about me anymore. I will take care of myself. I told him that "I was not his little girl anymore". Being that I was in rehab to learn to crawl, walk, and talk all over again. He had a feeling of fatherhood in me. Im sure I would have felt the same. He basically raised me after the NB. I had to learn everything all over again. My brain shut down. <P>That was one of the problems, I think. He felt that he was kind of a father figure to me. Not in a mean way. Look what he had to go through. I almost set the house on fire when I was learning to cook again. LOL! <BR>He was exceptional......... I never went without anything. I had 3 meals a day, a clean house. He also kept working through it all..... WHAT A MAN!!!!!!!!<P>I will let you know about tonight. I will just be a pal to him. He told me last night. That not only did he lose his wife. He lost his bestfriend as well.<P>Is there hope?<P>Renee'

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I would say that yes, there is hope. Your situation sounds familiar (as I'm sure it does to most on here), in that your marriage partnership was formed from a friendship. That is what your relationship was built on, and that is where it needs to start from again.<P>So be a pal tonight! Have a good time.. and don't be outwardly disappointed if your time together is minimal. Think 'baby steps' day by day, but focus on the long term goal.<P>Take care<P>Karen<BR>

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Hi Renee,<P>I saw your post and I've been trying to think of an answer for you. <P>First, what did you truly expect from your H? Did you expect him to welcome you back into his life? Sometimes our expectations are too high and we get hurt.<P>You've let him know that you love him and you hope to try again. Now let him think about it while you be his friend. Let him see that you're serious about working on your marriage by your actions. It's not easy but it is doable! <P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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Inamess - Yes, there is hope, there's always hope, and that's what you have to hang on to right now. Be his best friend first, rebuild your relationship from the ground up. When you go to pick up the dog, look nice, ask how his day was, what his plans are for the weekend - nothing too emotional. Maybe even ask him if he wants to me for breakfast or lunch, or even for a cup of coffee. Maybe there's something you used to do together, that wouldn't take long, but could give you some extra time with him. Offer to help him on something he might be working on. I think it will be okay, just realize that he has been hurt by this, too, and it will take some time. You'll be okay, so try not to worry about saying "The right thing." Just be yourself.


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