Hi! I am writing here for the first time, but I have been reading for about 2 weeks now. I thought I was alone in my dilemma but I realize now that there are so many of us. My D-day was Easter Sunday and I have been virtually living in a black hole since then. My story goes like this: I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children (4 and 9). Everything seemed fine for the first 10 years or so. Then we moved and my husband started a new job 2 years ago. Pretty much from day 1 I could sense that there was a female coworker that was just too close to him and he didn't seem to mind at all. Things gradually built up, and I realize now from reading all the other messages on MB that there is a definite pattern to A - all about the fog etc just falls into place. I kept thinking to myself that he had been hypnotized because the actions just did not match with the man I had married - even in his relationship to the kids - it went from complete indifference to verbal abuse - to punching walls at times!! Anyway - to cut a long story short - I could go on all day - he finally admit that he has been having an A with this coworker. Last February he was moved to another state and he wanted to go alone while I stayed with the kids - he would commute on weekends etc. So finally on Easter Sunday when he was here he told me that OW would be joining him and that he wanted us to separate - he was in love with her, not me. She has apparently told her husband, and left him and their 16 year old son to be with my husband. Of course I was ready to throw in the towel and ask for a divorce right away - but someone recommended MB to me and after reading about all the other couples who have reconciled - I am having second thoughts. The bottom line is that I still love my husband. He does keep in touch with me and provide for me and the kids financially - for the time being. I guess in MB lingo I have been put into Plan B more or less. When he came to see us over Easter we got along fine etc and then he dropped the bomb! Basically I took it quite well, I said that this kind of thing happened and that now that it was out in the open what was he going to do about it. He broke down and cried etc etc and said that this was the most difficult decision of his life and he knew that he was making a big mistake but that if he didn't have the A in real way (for now it had been limited to meeting quickly in the office etc) he would always wonder if he had given up on the best thing in his life - made me feel really great!!! <BR>First of all - thanks for listening - I really need to vent. Second - any opinions/comments/advice wold be very welcome. Where do I go from here - what should I do? Do you out there - who have been in my shoes think there is any hope? I don't get the impression from my H that he wants to work things out with me. I had suggested counseling etc about a year ago - he just laughed in my face. Look forward to hearing from you!<BR>Shakti<BR>

Welcome <B>Shakti</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>BTW: the similarities bewteen your story and mine are amazing...<BR>My D-day was also Easter Sunday (2 years ago)..<BR>My W (now xW) had also moved out of state...<BR>We were married 10+ years (close) at the time of D-day.<BR>My W also moved out to live with her OM (about 5 months after D-day)<P>There is hope...<BR>Please start... without questioning... Plan A...<BR>...I (since I didn't know of MB) started way to late on my Plan A!<P>I'll be praying for you!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Jim/NSR<BR>Thanks for your message. You're right - there are so many similarities - I can't believe it. I have a couple thoughts that I need to get off my chest. <BR>Like I said last time - I am so confused as to whether I should carry any hope at all - seeing that I see no signs of wanting to work things out from H side. I wonder if I am just setting myself up for more heartache. Sometimes I feel that I should just accept it, bury it, get over it and move on….?<BR>You suggested I Plan A - the problem is that he doesn't live with us. We see him very rarely, but he keeps in touch mainly by e-mail and the occasional phone call. We won't see him till the end of June and then for just a week at the most. He is living with OW. I realize this is all quite fresh compared to some of the other couples I read about - but for me it seems like an eternity. It is anyone's guess whether his fog will lift someday - but for now I see no signs whatsoever - Help!<BR>Shakti<BR>

Go for the "long distance" Plan A...<P>Whenever your spouse visits...<BR>... do the extreme Plan A.<P>When e-mailing, or taliking on the phone...<BR>...only the kindest of words.<BR>Offer more times to meet!<P>Check out some of <B>lostva</B>'s (lori) posts... and ske her some specific questions...<BR>...she's mostly in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A> forum.<P> <P>Jim

"if he didn't have the A in real way ... he would always wonder if he had given up on the best thing in his life - "<BR>if he didn't have the A in real way (for now it had been limited to meeting quickly in the office etc) he would always wonder if he had given up on the best thing in his life - made me feel really great!!! <P><BR>This must be another quote from the WS handbook. My H said exactly the same thing to me. I believe that it is just another way to justify their selfishness and selfcenteredness. He wanted you to be understanding, but it didn't really make a difference, he was going to do it regardless of your feelings.<P>My H told me this shortly after discovery day (Nov 2000). Said he would be spending next summer at his mom's and be seeing the OW throughout. As of now, appears they will be renting a place together, not verified, but strongly suspected. <P>I plan a'd a lot, plan b'd, back to plan A, recently wrote tough love letter (posted). <P>From my experience, so far (who knows what will happen), I would agree that you do a plan A as NSR suggested. You really have nothing to lose. If or when the marriage is over it will not be because you have not tried your very best to save it. You will be able to look at yourself and be proud that you have taken the highroad. When the doldrums of life invade your H's A with OW, he will have to face himself and wonder if the biggest mistake of his life was leaving his wife and family for OW. By then, it may be too late for him.<P>In the meantime, concentrate on the children and yourself, difficult it is, but they really need you, and they need a Mom that is strong.<P>Guess it's "Hope for the best, but expect the worst." scenario.<P>God bless, <BR>JS <BR>