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I had a long term A which ended 9/00. D-day was 10/00. We didn't speak until 12/00 when I called to talk to his W to find out why she kept calling me. OM & I used to work together. A co-worker just told me he ran into OM at a seminar. Co-worker thinks OM & I were only friends. OM asked how I was doing & asked him to tell me hi.<P>During the A he became my best friend. We talked constantly & he seemed to understand me when my H didn't. I'm so glad things are going well with his career - I really do want him to be happy. But I miss his frienship SO MUCH!<P>When things were very rocky with my H after D-Day, I hardly thought of OM, I was focusing all my attention on my marriage. But for some reason, he's been creeping back into my mind lately. How do I make it stop? How can I get over this man?

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Hi Berry -<P>Well.....what's going on with your H and you? Seems that you have strayed your "focus" again....How come? What are you needing that is not being fulfilled?<P>How is the progression towards rebuilding going? Is it to your satisfaction?<P>Taking a look at where you are in your marriage right now, is where you will find the explanation for why thoughts of OM are occurring......<P>It could be a focused "friendship/understanding" that you miss = not necessarily who from!!!<P>Can you talk with H?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

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Sheba has a good point. It is probably the friendship that you are missing - the way the OM made you feel, as opposed to who he actually is, as a person. That can be terribly addictive. During my H's EMR, I had several single men lining up to "take me away from all that madness" (meaning my H's EMR, oddly enough), and they were very flattering. They met my need for affection and the need to feel cared about. Because I was well versed on the Harley principles by that point, I knew that they were the enemy and were to be avoided.<P>However ... you must understand one thing: the greatest enemy to your marriage is the OM. Please read Harley's "Surviving an Affair." It will explain what you are going through and why you feel that this man is so important to you. It will really open your eyes!<P>belld

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Thanks Sheba! A few months after D-Day, my H started an A. I tried to be understanding, feeling it was something he needed to do to repair the damage I caused his ego. I don't believe he's seeing her as often as he was. He's finally interested in working on our marriage. We went away for the weekend together last weekend & he wants to plan another getaway - longer this time.<P>I think you're right about me missing the "friendship/understanding". Sometimes when I try to talk to H & I don't get his full attention, I think, "OM used to listen to me when I talked". H is also reverting to conduct (spending a lot of time with friends instead of me) which I feel in a way led to my A. Then I think, "This is one of the reasons I started seeing OM - friendship & attention I'm not getting here."<P>I know I should express my feelings to H instead of just thinking them to myself. It's not telling him about my feelings that got me into this mess in the first place. I just want to love & be loved. <P>I know what I did was wrong. I'm sure many feel I deserve what I get & I agree. However, I want peace in my heart & mind & am having a hard time since OM keeps lingering in both. H is willing to work on our marriage, but now I'm sometimes thinking about OM. What's wrong with me?

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Hey Berry,<P>just a few thoughts. Have you read about Emotional Needs? (his needs/herneeds) Have you done the His needs/Her needs questionairre?<P>My guess is there are some EN's the OM was fulfilling that your H is not.<P>Would H be open to reading and doing the questionairre or workbook? <P>------------------<BR>See each day as a new beginning!<P>Cali

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belld - Sorry, I must have been writing when you were. Logically I know you're right. The hard part is convincing my heart & blocking the memories. I can't change H - by nature he's not as caring & sensitive as OM. I know I shouldn't hold that against him. There are so many things I love about him.<P>I'll take your advice & read "Surviving an Affair". My eyes definitely need to be opened. Thank you!<P>Cali - I've looked at the EN questionairre, but I haven't done it with H. There's no way he would have been open to it shortly after d-day or during his A (which I'm not sure is over). But since he seems to want to make things work now, he may be willing to try. Good idea.<P>Thanks!

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I just talked to a friend who thinks it was unfair of OM to ask about me & tell my co-worker to tell me hi kowing it would get back to me & make me start thinking about him again. Anyone else agree? What's he up to?

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It wasn't fair, but I doubt that he did it consciously to be unfair to you.<P>You say long-term affair - how long was it? I am particularly curious about long term affairs.<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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I really need some advise. I have been married for almost 11 years and have never even looked at another man. Well, that was until last summer when I met my brother in laws(my husbands brother who is my dear friend) roomate. I saw this man and became instantly attracted to him. I have been in his company several times and each time I liked him more and more. Last December we ended up alone together after a night of partying. He kissed me and I fell in what I think is in love with him. He is 7 years younger than me not married goal oriented adorable etc etc. After the night of passionate kissing (which was phenominal) I felt as though I wanted to go further..I couldn't stop thinking about him.<BR>I also felt very guilty because I had never done anything like this in the past. I saw him a couple of times in January/ Feb but not alone. I called him a couple of times after a few wines. In March my cousin and I were going to Florida for vacation he and his friends were on the same plane as us.(I did not know of this) He actually was seated behind me and there was an empty seat next to me so he moved into it. I had such a good time with him flying to FLA. He said it was fate that we were on the same plane... He told me where he was staying a couple of times but I did not tell him where I was staying. I thought of calling him everyday in FLA but I did not. It is such a sensitive situation as all of his friends are friends of my brother in laws. Well the plot continues.. In April my H and I went to a function when we got home my H went to bed. I called this man and told hime to come over he did.. I couldn't have been happier we went outside into his car and began to kiss ( he is the best kisser it gives me chills) and I gave hime oral sex. In which he said it was the best that he had ever had... Me too.. He went home and I went into the house with such mixed emotions.. I felt so guity but yet so stimulated. This man moves me in such ways I cannot explain it. Though my H means so much to me but in a different way. I saw him again a couple of weeks ago he ended up driving me home from a club we go to. Same thing happened..Though he feels that I am married and he likes my husband and doesn't think it is right what we have been doing. However, he said he would call me because despite everything I really think he loves me too. Though I am so depressed now because he never did call me. I know I will meet up with him again. Is it wrong to want to be him? Should I call him?? Where should I go from here..Please advise

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by XTRA1:<BR><B>I really need some advise. I have been married for almost 11 years and have never even looked at another man. Well, that was until last summer when I met my brother in laws(my husbands brother who is my dear friend) roomate. I saw this man and became instantly attracted to him. I have been in his company several times and each time I liked him more and more. Last December we ended up alone together after a night of partying. He kissed me and I fell in what I think is in love with him. He is 7 years younger than me not married goal oriented adorable etc etc. After the night of passionate kissing (which was phenominal) I felt as though I wanted to go further..I couldn't stop thinking about him.<BR>I also felt very guilty because I had never done anything like this in the past. I saw him a couple of times in January/ Feb but not alone. I called him a couple of times after a few wines. In March my cousin and I were going to Florida for vacation he and his friends were on the same plane as us.(I did not know of this) He actually was seated behind me and there was an empty seat next to me so he moved into it. I had such a good time with him flying to FLA. He said it was fate that we were on the same plane... He told me where he was staying a couple of times but I did not tell him where I was staying. I thought of calling him everyday in FLA but I did not. It is such a sensitive situation as all of his friends are friends of my brother in laws. Well the plot continues.. In April my H and I went to a function when we got home my H went to bed. I called this man and told hime to come over he did.. I couldn't have been happier we went outside into his car and began to kiss ( he is the best kisser it gives me chills) and I gave hime oral sex. In which he said it was the best that he had ever had... Me too.. He went home and I went into the house with such mixed emotions.. I felt so guity but yet so stimulated. This man moves me in such ways I cannot explain it. Though my H means so much to me but in a different way. I saw him again a couple of weeks ago he ended up driving me home from a club we go to. Same thing happened..Though he feels that I am married and he likes my husband and doesn't think it is right what we have been doing. However, he said he would call me because despite everything I really think he loves me too. Though I am so depressed now because he never did call me. I know I will meet up with him again. Is it wrong to want to be him? Should I call him?? Where should I go from here..Please advise</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

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I know exactly how you feel. I fell into the same trap after 8 years of marriage just about 2 years ago now. Now that I look back on it, I feel thankful that the OM kind of pushed me off. Believe me, it is not love that you feel. It is a sense that someone found you attractive after this many years of marriage. It is exciting to go back to the dating sensation that you haven't felt in 11 years.<P>Think back to your high school crushes...similar feeling wasn't it? My marriage is not very good at this point and my H never found out about the affair. The A made me feel good about myself in a strange way because I felt guilty as well. <P>I felt more sexy, more acceptable, and I even went in and woke my husband up to oral sex one night after I had been with the OM. This is something I know he wishes I did more often. It may sound vulger, but when the OM called things off in a similar manner of just not calling or giving in to my requests, I went grudgingly back to my husband and found our sex life much more fulfilling just because I felt better about myself.<P>I am in no way suggesting anyone have an A or even a one night stand because I still feel guilty about what I did, but I am giving you the advice to learn a lesson here about how vulnerable you really are and let him go.<P>Make your marriage work and do some of the things with your husband that you think you want to do with the OM.<p>[This message has been edited by Sadie (edited May 26, 2001).]

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Sadie- thank you for your advise.. You really hit the nail on the head. It is exactly like a teenage crush, and I do so much better about myself. I just can't believe that I would feel this way.. What were the circumstances of your A?? (if you don't mind) Do you still feel guilty or ever think about him anymore? I never thought I would be in the situation..You say do the it with my H but I long to to intimate with the OM.. Though on the other hand I will probably feel worse if we actually had the big A and he never called.. I don't know.. I hate being 39...My life used to be so much more settled..

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Berry, your listeners are right. I have gone through the same thing. I was married 17 years in January and got involved last August. <P>I was always Miss Perfect..look at FS...she does everything right (because her Mom flies overhead in her conscience with demands but let's not even go there [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) (yet, anyway!)<P>I cut off all contact immediately. And yet even as more light was revealed about who OM really was (totally not who I had thought and yet my suspicions of his lies were right on) I began to miss that, too. My H was good to me and wanted and needed lots of affection and sex. It's weird because I was the one with the rabid libido before and now I feel some barriers still to being as free with both cuddling and sex to a large degree. <P>I have only been in recovery for 3 months plus and am really starting to heal tremendously. Now I am beginning to face what I need to change so I can give again. But you know, the soft thoughts toward OM resurfaced. I am a Christian so maybe as I receive my healing, and become more whole spiritually, my compassion and concern makes me think more tenderly of him? I NEVER want to see him again and plan with all God's strength within me never to fall into the trap again. But now I have more gentle thoughts hoping he will get well--if possible be set free from being a serial cheater and sex addict. I try to brush them aside. It's a hard question for me but God is giving me a new life that precludes much time thinking of him. I also know he nearly wrecked my life...<P>Sadie, I felt just like you did.<P>Xtra1, don't let things fire up more, please. Om for me was a church member. I can't even imagine the mess a family member's friend would cause. The flames of passion will engulf you alright....because if they aren't from your h, they are from the pit of hell. <P>I had the same forbidden feelings and pleasures but I forgot that my family was my treasure. It's not too late. It's never too late. Hope always and as you choose the right, you will find life much less complicated. What a difference when you can face every day without hidden/forbidden secrets in your heart. <P>Xtra, I am praying for you. Thanks for sharing so honestly. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

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I used to work in a hotel at the front desk. You couldn't imagine some of the talks the staff would get into. We had just hired in a new supervisor from New York. Dark complected, dark hair, brown eyes, accent, etc. Basically what I would have described to anyone as my perfect looking man. <P>One night we were talking about relationships and sex. It was a common topic and I knew he had recently broke up with his fiancee who was the reason for his move. There were about 4 of us talking and I had mentioned that I loved my husband, but that I was bored with him. We never had any fun anymore and we hardly ever saw each other because he was finishing his degree, I was in school and working full-time 2nd shift. When I got home he was in bed and I was one to sleep in, and because the hotel is always open, that didn't even leave us any full weekends together. And, when we did see each other it seemed like all we did was argue anyway.<P>As Om and I walked out together that night, he said it sounded like I just needed a boyfriend. I knew what he was suggesting. I got nervous and at first said no I don't think I could do that, and then well maybe. He invited me over to his place that night. I put him off saying I had to get up early to get my son off to preschool. Before we left I found myself asking for a raincheck.<P>I decided that this was too good of an opportunity to pass up. I was always the smart one, not the pretty one, and if this gorgeous guy wanted me, then I was going to check it out. <P>We made arrangements for me to get out of work early one night and we met up in a parking lot where he took me to his apartment. We had an agreement that no one was to know about anything. I still can't get past his brown eyes looking straight into my soul. <P>I can't get over thinking that he knew what I was feeling that first time. Maybe that's why he ended up pushing me away. <P>We got together 2 times after that. I think part of the reason he broke it off was because he found a single girl he was interested in, but whatever his reason. He was really nice about it. We still had to work together and he was always kind. He just always said he was busy or had plans when I would ask to get together. He never lied, but always made sure he had something up.<P>I even called him one time after he had moved back to New York when I was on a business trip. Still, he had plans, but never once put me down or made me think that I was the reason for him not wanting to get back together. <P>I fell so hard for him that one night at work as I was eavesdropping on one of his phone calls that I wanted to go back with him to New York. He said, "You're married". That's right I am married and it's time that I start acting like it.<P>My relationship with my H ended up getting a little better for a time because I had gained so much energy from this episode that I focused it on him instead. <P>Now, things are somewhat back to normal. I'm not sure if I regret anything that I did, but I am glad that it ended because even now as I contemplate leaving him for other reasons. I look into my children's eyes who adore their father and can't bear to break up their family.

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To Xtra1<P>Think about being single and divorced because this is where you are heading. How would you feel if your husband was in a car in front of your house and was getting or receiving oral sex when you were sleeping in your shared bed. It is clear that you have no respect for your husband and are quite selfish. Why didn't you seek counseling if you are so unhappy. Why don't you be honest with your husband so he can be tested for std's (genital herpes is a hugh problem today)<BR>and decide if he wishes to stay married with someone who would disrespect him this way. Why don't you allow him the choice to find someone who really loves, respects and believes in their marriage vows. It is a matter of time before you end up in a divorce court. You are very cruel to your husband and extremely narcissistic.

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BryanP.. If you are so rightous why are you in a infidelity chat room?????? I was seeking advise for others who have experienced simular situations. I was being honest. I do feel bad enough about what I did and do not appreciate your harsh comments. Why don't you log on to a chat room for people who want to be lambaised and critizied. I do not.. Thank YOU!!

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Terri, thanks for the reply. My A lasted almost 2 1/2 yrs off & on. We broke up, then thought we could be just friends, then would get back together. I agree, I don't think he did it to intentionally hurt me. I've found that he doesn't always think clearly when it comes to me - obviously.<P>FS, I like the way you describe your feelings for OM - soft thoughts. I can dismiss most things that remind me of him, but he had a beautiful voice & sang to me a few times. If I hear those songs on the radio, they almost bring me to tears. I feel that my healing is progressing, but am terrified because just hearing about him yesterday brought back so many thoughts & feelings. We both work in law enforcement & he has 2 jury trials set at the end of June. They've already been continued a few times, so they may not go, but I know that if I see him, I'll break down emotionally. I've thought of taking time off, but I can't let him control my life. I know we'd be civil to each other & act like nothing ever happened, but seeing that sweet face will really set me back.<P>Xtra1, I agree with Sadie & FS. Don't let this continue. The more you see each other the more deeply involved you'll become emotionally. As hard as it is for you now, it will only get more difficult to forget about him. Focus on you & your H. Try to see the good in him & don't compare him to OM. I know I've done that & it's not fair. You loved your H enough to marry him - what was it about him that made him so special back then? Good luck.

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To Xtra1<P>You asked for advice and I suggested counseling, honesty with your husband and check yourself for any diseases. I am on the boards because I have been a Betrayed Spouse and wish to undestand the mindset of a wayward spouse. Your feeling bad seems to be based more on the fact that the OM did not call you back and you feel that you have been used by him than the feeling of how you betrayed your husband and your marriage vows. You claim I am self-righteous because I believe for a marriage to succeed it should be based on honesty and respect for the spouses involved. Clearly my suggestion that you be honest with your spouse is contrued as being self righteous. I guess I must have touched a nerve.

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BryanP.. Yes you did touch a nerve. I have never ever done anything like this before. I am confused. I do love my husband.I think Sadie is right. You keep emphasizing to get myself tested for diseases. Two blow jobs consitiute me for solitary confinement..Why?? Did you contract a disease from your spouse? You seem really anal about the disease stuff. You say your on the boards to get the mind set of a wayward spouses. We are all different and it happens for many different reasons primarily we are not satisifed with some aspect of our lives at home. As I had stated I had a good life married never cheated I met someone which is as bizzare to me as it seems to you. I didn't ever think that I would have an affair. But things happen. I really do feel extremely guilty for what I have done, contrary to your opinion.

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BryanP,<P>You are trying to understand why spouses falter. I believe that most people know that marriage is a commitment, not just a feeling of love. There are always days that you don't feel in love anymore or moments or sometimes even weeks. If your wife cheated on you, then you must have had these feelings at times as well as your spouse did. Only you believe in your commitment no matter what and probably keep yourself busy with your kids, friends, TV, work, etc. Anything that will keep you from straying. <P>I believe that my H is like that. We both know that our relationship is faltering. He goes to work all day and then goes to work at his parents house on his hobbies. Sometimes he takes the kids with him and sometimes not, but he is always keeping himself occupied with something other than me. He will come home, watch TV with me and then go to bed. No comversation, but I know that he would never cheat on me, ever!<P>So why did I? I am tired of being left alone to live my own life separate from his. All he ever wants is sex to make him think that I still love him, when I just want to be held. We all know that men want sex and women want affection. I enjoy having sex, but not when I think that I am being forced into it. My H keeps saying that he has a contract to have sex with me (marriage) and therefore, I must comply. <P>To me, if he would massage my back for my pleasure one night with no expectation of sex, he may get sex the next night as gratitude or because I actually might feel like he cared instead of just doing it to get sex.<P>I have allowed myself to have fun despite of him and unfortunately one of these instances resulted in my straying from our vows. For this I will always feel guilty, but don't think that your W's A is all her fault. She may have put herself in a situation where she knew it could happen and then ultimately she did act on it, but if you were there by her side supporting her, making her know that you love her, and took her out on dates yourself, she couldn't have even put herself in a situation to be picked up by someone else.<P>

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