My wife is having an email affair with a man in another country. She had a physical thing (just a "kiss"...RIGHT!)with this man when they both attended a seminar in the US.<BR>She's head-over-heels for this guy and we're going through the "just found out" rollercoaster. We have a LOT of work to do to repair and heal. But, I was wondering about the wisdom of calling this man and asking him to bow out for the sake of my family and his own. I know that if I were the other man, and the husband called me and said he had email evidence of the affair, I would fear that my family and employer would find out and bow out quickly. This guy is in a public trust type job and it could hurt him. I understand the risk of angering my wife and only driving her closer to him. My hope would be that he would agree to break it off without telling her I called. I guess it just galls me that this guy can sit 2000 miles away and be the catalyst for this explosion in my home without taking any of the risks or reponsibilities. I'm not motivated so much by anger in this as much as simply wanting to get him out of the picture as soon as possible. Any thoughts about injecting a little fear of consequences into this guy?

Is the OM single or married? That makes a huge difference right there.<P>For the most part, I think the general concensus on here will be not to confront the OM. If he is married, then you may want to confront his W. The fact that your W knows that you know, is, believe it or not, a good thing.<P>I can understand your hurt and frustration, and wanting to tell this OM off! I don't blame you. But don't do it. Sure, it would feel GREAT!.. but that's only in the short term. Right now your wife thinks he's the cat's meow, and by you 'hurting' him, she will resent you all the more.<P>Right now, learn and read, and read and learn as much as you can from this site. IT's a LOT to take in at first, but within a few weeks or months it will really start to sink in for you.<P>Focus your energies on you and your W. Easier said than done right now, I know. But it's your best course of action. <P>I would love to suggest more, but this whole process takes time. "Baby steps" so to speak. Keep posting, and keep asking questions.. and before you know it, everyone on here will be able to help you find the route that is best for you.<P>Karen<BR>

Is your wife willing to sever all contact and take extreme measures to avoid contact with OM? Is your wife willing to write him a no contact letter with your help?<P>This is how Dr. Harley suggests contacting OM...<P>He states he has had his best results doing it this way...<P>How willing is your wife in rebuilding...Is she aware of withdrawl? Are you?<P>Are you in MB counselling with Steve or Jenn?<P>Inquizative aren't I? <P>Seriously...This is the way The Harleys suggest handling this situation...<P>Go to the following link...It is The Surviving An Affair cliffnotes and related material... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>Hope I helped...<P>Bill<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 25, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 25, 2001).]

Motivated, <P>I finally contacted the OM when all other avenues proved fruitless. This was after two years of Plan A. <P>Two things can happen if you contact OM:<BR>1. He may contact your wife about you contacting him. That could prove to be disastrous and could actually work against your efforts.<P>2. He could realize the damage he is doing to your family and his and break the relationship off.<P>You need to understand that the most important thing is not your wife's relationship to the OM, but your relationship with your wife. Once you improve your relationship, contacting the OM may not be necessary. <P>I finally contacted the OM (twice) to end their so-called friendship. It was no longer physical but there was still a huge emotional bond that my wife was holding on to. <P>My wife's OM was married. I know he had never told his wife what was going on. I basically threatened him with full disclosure and I had a lot of evidence. He chose to drop out of the picture. He could have easily chosen to end his marriage and go full force with my wife. That's the risk you take. I was to the point where I would accept either outcome. I just wasn't willing to accept things staying as they were. <P>So, contact the OM only as a last resort. Work on your marriage first and the OM may fade faster than a fart in the wind. <P>Best wishes, <P>SHA