B,<P>Why? Why am I hurting so much? Why can’t I hate you for everything thing you have done to me? Why do I feel so much pain when you look at me? Why do I feel so much pressure in my chest when you don’t call? If I was such a bad person, then why did you marry me? Why did both of us have to go through these last years so unhappy? When all we really wanted was just for someone to love us for who we are. Someone to make us feel attractive and special and needed.<BR>Why do you want to prolong this angst? Do you not think that we can learn to be happy together when we know each other inside and out? It would be much easier to cut off an arm then to cut you out of my heart and soul. <BR>Sometimes I think that it would be easier if we just cut our losts and get on with our lives. But if I do that, I feel like I am losing my best friend and confidant. I am losing the one chance of hope and happiness that I have. Why can you not want to love me? I am not that bad of a person really. Why do I cry at my desk everyday for 8 hrs? Why can’t I eat? Why can’t I be strong and be the ***** you think I am, then I wouldn’t be feeling all this pain. I wouldn’t be so tired mentally and physically. I would just wave goodbye and be on my way with a smile on my face.<BR>Why do I love you so much? How can you not love me either?<BR>Why can I not just let you go?<P>R

To lost_rw -<P>I don't know if you wanted a response or not but I just wanted you to know that you're not along. I, too, feel the same way about my husband. I just can't get an understanding for why he is doing what he is doing. I constantly wonder what he is doing, who he is with and why he lies to me. I know I am a good wife. I pick up after him and I ALWAYS have dinner ready when he gets home from work and many more wifey things. I'm always there to listen when he needs someone. I just don't understand. I feel so hurt but I can't leave even if I wanted to. Sometimes I wish that I can just snap my fingers and things would be fine but there not. <P>Just hang in there. If you want, we can exchange email address and we can correspond. I need all the support I can right now too. <P>Hope to hear from you.

Though the quote comes from a person noted for their insincerity, in my case it is heartfelt and sincere.<P>"I feel your pain."<P>Look not to the heavens for a miracle, God usually puts them where we can reach them. Expect a miracle.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

lost_rw,<P>You will find comfort here. Vent and post your vents here. The MB'ers offer sound advice. Read the articles on this site and get as many of the books by the Harleys as you can.<P>In between the moments of hopelessness, you will feel hope. In between the moments of pain, you will find joy.<BR>In between the moments of despair, you will know love.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

I'd like to exchange email. Thx so much for your response. Just dont know how to give you my email address. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by anidav:<BR><B>To lost_rw -<P>I don't know if you wanted a response or not but I just wanted you to know that you're not along. I, too, feel the same way about my husband. I just can't get an understanding for why he is doing what he is doing. I constantly wonder what he is doing, who he is with and why he lies to me. I know I am a good wife. I pick up after him and I ALWAYS have dinner ready when he gets home from work and many more wifey things. I'm always there to listen when he needs someone. I just don't understand. I feel so hurt but I can't leave even if I wanted to. Sometimes I wish that I can just snap my fingers and things would be fine but there not. <P>Just hang in there. If you want, we can exchange email address and we can correspond. I need all the support I can right now too. <P>Hope to hear from you. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Somedays, not often, the pain is not so bad. But other days it just seems so unbearable. With being the only parent for my 3 sons right now, its hard to just let loose and scream. Ya know?

LRW:<P>I can understand the need to scream.<P>Get a babysitter for a short while. Drive until you find a big, wide open space ... walk to the middle of that space. Scream. After the scream, listen for God's reply: He will have heard and felt your pain.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Lost,<P>I know exactly how you feel. Somedays are better than others. The feeling of such loss and grief just immoblizes you in such a way it is impossible to describe. You never know where the rollercoaster of emotions will end. You can be doing just fine one minute and then you hear a song or see something that reminds you of the good times you had and you simply break down and cry. I hate feeling this way, but at the same time I don't want to give up on my wife, my vows, or our dreams of a family and forever. It is so hard sometimes not to say f*** this and make a clean break. Why do I keep trying? Why can't I let her go or at least give myself a break? I can say that prayer helps. Being around others helps, too. I am even starting to think about anti-depressants, because I am still having a difficult time with this. All I know is that I will survive one way or the other. I am stronger than my wife thinks that I am. I will not break because of what she has done. Good Luck and you are in my prayers. Chase

You said it all Chase, When do we cross that line? How far do we need to be pushed. My W had a PA 3 years ago and now a EA. When is enough, enough? I don't know. <BR>Follow you heart, I guess it will let you know when it has had enough. I don't even know how mine can still function. All I can figure is that I have so much love for my children that it feeds off that. I don,t know.<BR>W still wants another go at it but I,m not sure how it will work out. I really don't know.<P>Keep the Faith,<P>Jim S

You can put it in your profile and I can put mine there too. I think only members have access.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lost_rw:<BR><B>I'd like to exchange email. Thx so much for your response. Just dont know how to give you my email address. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000555.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call Index</A>... will let many members and "new" members know who you are...<P>Just reply to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000332.html" TARGET=_blank>E-mail Exchange</A> post...<P> <P>Jim

Chadse,<BR>Stop considering anti-depressants nd do it, I am an miminalist, don't even like to take an asprin, but I couldn't do it with out celexa. Also tried anti-anxiety, zanax, but made me to un-focused to proform on the job. when teh blood rund cold and ice, I pray to God for the strength to make it through this, and then keep going! I found god thought this ordeal, and I'm not an religious zealot, but I can't imagine doing this with out him. I know I'll make it through, I just hope she see the light sooner rather that later. <P>Good luck and hang in there!<BR>JK<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ChaseJordan:<BR><B>Lost,<P>I know exactly how you feel. Somedays are better than others. The feeling of such loss and grief just immoblizes you in such a way it is impossible to describe. You never know where the rollercoaster of emotions will end. You can be doing just fine one minute and then you hear a song or see something that reminds you of the good times you had and you simply break down and cry. I hate feeling this way, but at the same time I don't want to give up on my wife, my vows, or our dreams of a family and forever. It is so hard sometimes not to say f*** this and make a clean break. Why do I keep trying? Why can't I let her go or at least give myself a break? I can say that prayer helps. Being around others helps, too. I am even starting to think about anti-depressants, because I am still having a difficult time with this. All I know is that I will survive one way or the other. I am stronger than my wife thinks that I am. I will not break because of what she has done. Good Luck and you are in my prayers. Chase</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi R,<P>Your questions are all valid. Unfortunately the answers from your WS are not going to be as forthcoming as they should. If you wrote this expecting a logical response, you may be disappointed. <P>With that knowledge out on the table, prepare yourself for the worst and be ready for it. The brains of most WS's in the fog will not allow them to comprehend all your thoughts and feelings. Then your words and all the effort it took on your part will feel like it was for naught. At least for now. <P>So to get the most out of your frustration, concentrate on what you do have control over. Yourself and your family. <P>Read up on every pertinent article on this site, have phone counseling sessions with the Harley's. This will strengthen your resolve which may change depending on the progress or regression of your WS. <P>I am not saying not to write. Writing was and still is therapeutic for me. I also started sending e-mails to my WS and this helped. I even sent threads from here for H to read. I also kept a log, first by the hour, then day, week and now monthly. <P>I hope some of this info helps. <P>L.<P><BR>