Well, say a prayer for my D. H is taking her out to tell her about the "baby". I actually wonder if he'll mention sex (she's almost 12, ? what she really knows), or the baby's mother.... who she doesn't have a clue about... They don't live together.<P>It appears things are not moving fast enough for the OW. We are getting a D... but she apparently dropped the baby off when MIL was staying with my H. ANd left.. (what a chicken). Now suddenly my H wants to tell the kids quickly. Seems he is watching the baby because OW is going out of town this weekend...and he's supposed to have ours till sat. eve. Of course, I am not going to throw them into the mix at this point.<P>I have NO clue what the heck I am going to say to my daughter when she comes home with her clueless father tonight. He thinks the 6 year old will think it's "neat".<P>Can you believe this is a 45 year old neurosurgeon??? I can't.

Dear Tootrusting,<P>I am sorry your D. is having to be thrust into this situation. Yes it is unloving for one parent to show that they are starting another family. Your child is not too young to know that. My son is 6 years old and responded to a comment by H about being a bad H & F. My son said to me (after his dad left), "mom, if dad is a bad H, why would he want to get married to another lady and be another bad H? And why is dad being a bad F, when he used to be a good one before for 6 years?" <P>Out of the mouths of babes. But you will have to let it happen. Be there to support your D when she comes home. Show her lots of love. Chances are she will have something memorable to say. It may hurt a bit but if that is what she needs to do then let her. I shared all of our son's comments with H and I think it impacted him more than what I said. Hm.....<P>Never underestimate children. They just need a bit of coaxing to bring out their true thoughts. <P>L.<BR>

To be truthful I am not surprised he is a neurosurgeon. My XH is a physician and he shows no more sense.<P>All I can say is that you are going to have some very confused kids on your hands. I'd advise that you just let them ask the questions and answer them truthfully at a level they can understand. I have always found with my kids that if I let them lead the way they do a great job. It is most amazing how much they get on their own. They may come up with the idea that Dad has left them for the new baby. Be ready for this one. <P>Just remember you are the rock in their life right now.<P>{{{{{hug}}}}}}<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Tootrusting,<BR>I'm sorry for your H's stupidity. My W suffers from the same thing and even reports back to our kids on how OC is getting bigger and smiling, tooting, making sounds, etc. It's as if she is trying to encourage dysfunction in their lives. It is so frustrating and angering. My D is 7 and will have to be told soon. Let us know what your D says and what questions she has so that I might have an idea as to what my D might ask. <P>Did you consider going with you H to talk to D? For me I originally wanted W to do the dirty job of the explanation, but then I thought it might be better to be there too so that W doesn't try and justify it and sugarcoat the situation. I'm sorry again for your pain, I know what you are experiencing.<BR>Floored

Well, my D is confused and doesn't really want to talk about it. She is able to articulate that this is NOT normal. Of course her dad seemed to jump to the "baby", but did not discuss the baby's mother. <P>Her dad, and then I told her that it is not the baby's fault, and it is not her fault. She wants to know who's fault it is.<P>He also seemed to jump to the baby, his name, (no age, no mom, no location of where he lives), then to "do you want to see him"...<P>So I pretty much expect that my kids will be expected to bear the weight of his dysfunction in this town. It's pretty much why I think he wants them here anyway. It's so if he is able to walk around with our kids and this baby... it is all sooooooooooooooo normal.<P>I wonder who is the driving force in this case... H?? I doubt it..since he seems to make no decisions. OW???<P>It puts me in an interesting situation since we have not finalized our D and we haven't even gotton to mediation about the kids yet. So do I let it go... and let him have the custody he wants (almost half) so they get to have their father in their life? Or do I use this stupidity to make a point about why he shouldn't have them so much?<P>No there was not a counselor present. I suggested he have his counselor present. He said no. To be quite honest, I bet his counselor doesn't know, or is just told lie after lie. There is absolutely NO reality in his life other than the fact that he can seem to work just fine through all of this. <P>She has been saying that she wants to be with me most of the time, and see him on the weekends. Being the oldest, she get it more (as in no real connection to her even when she is there). She mentioned it again. It will be very rough if that happens. He will no doubt blame me and he will also force her to see him...pretty much what he has done since the beginnig. Like a bully in a school yard.<P>I don't yet truly understand how this happens to a person overnight. I get the "fog" of a relationship...but I swear, this has more to do with WORK. Seems to me, it is in his work persona that he is hiding. The only place that fosters any self-esteem. His patients love him, his office staff think he is so caring and devoted. And of course OW is his "assistant"..that he can't work without. I guess if he doesn't do what she says regarding the baby, she won't stay, and he won't have that "crutch" to hide behind anymore. <P>I'm so sorry that my kids are in this mess. Son is next to know. He is 10.

TT - I admire your strength. Your kids need your strength and "normality." I have a lot of confidence that you have your head on straight. <P>I share your frustration with the bizarre behavior of your WS. He really does seem to live in two universes. During my son's battle with cancer, we were around a lot of admired doctors. Some of these people were treated like gods. I really believe it goes to some of their heads, reinforcing any bad behavior on their part. But so many WSs are not treated this way in their work. Just goes to show that infidelity is an equal opportunity disease.<P>Keep being a good parent.<P>Dave (WAT)

I have posted before about my cop friend. He had to tell his 9 year old daughter and 6 year old son about their 2 year old sister AND he had to explain to them why she had such a lighter complexion than they did and her hair was a different texture than theirs. His children handled it very well. At first he told them about her. They couldn't wait to meet her. Then he introduced them to their sister. Sometimes, he keeps all three of them at his house overnight. The older sister reads to the little one and tells her bed time stories and they all play together. Whenever he drops the youngest one off at her house, the older two give her hugs and kisses and tell her they love her and she says she loves them too. Maybe it will not be as hard on the children as you may think. I certainly expected the older daughter to have a lot different reaction, but she is handling the whole thing very well. I guess the important thing is for the father to let them know that just because they have another sibling, it doesn't mean that he loves them any less. <P>(Maybe I'm selfish but I myself would probably not WANT my kids to get along with another sibling but it IS in their best interest to be loving and not hateful. I don't have any children so I really can't say how I woould handle the situation.)