I'm back...a lot has happened but that is another post. I don't see many "old-timers" (4-6 months ago) on the board.<P>There are not percentages available on this site or in any literature that I have read for this....Are there any folks (either BS or WS) out there who are in marriages that have recovered from an affair and who can honestly say they are happy? What is different about the relationship? How do you conduct yourselves in a trusting manner?<P>For those who are not happy, do you have a decent relationship? What trouble do you encounter. How do you feel on a general basis?<P>I think we'd all like to see the results of this question. Thanks....LL

Well, I really didn't want to go first, but I will! Maybe it will get things started.<P>Briefly...I am the BS. Dday#1 was 9-27-99, continued secret contact for about a month, all contact ended in Oct. 99. Contact started again in March or April, 2000, but was limited to phone and email contact until June or July. Affair became sexual on August 5, 2000. Dday#2 was August 16, 2000. All contact ended immediately, except for one threatening phone call the OW made to my husband at work on September 9, 2000. THAT was a real fog-clearer!<P>So, after the initial shock from dday #2 started to fade, I agreed to stay together for our daughter, a high school senior, to graduate and get settled into college. I put basically no further effort into Plan A or anything else, I just existed and tried to survive. My husband scheduled counseling with the Harleys, began individual counseling, and Plan Aed ME. Things have slowly improved, and I would assess our relationship as very good, but with an undercurrent of extreme sadness. The issue of trust rarely comes up, as he is doing a good job of following Steve Harley's plan to restore my faith in him. The improvement is slow but steady, and I can definitely see a future where we are still together and completely recovered.<P>I hope to read many similar success stories!<P>Peppermint

Yes, my husband and I are recovered <B>and</B> happy. His affair was revealed and ended a little over 3 years ago. There was no further contact on his part, but the ow did call him once and instant message him once at work. He immediately told me about both. That was a big trust builder for me.<P>It wasn't an easy path, but the end result was worth it. The affair is not something we dwell on, but it isn't a taboo subject either. We both acknowledge it as a painful event in our relationship, but we don't define our marriage by it either. We each have the freedom to talk about it if we wish or feel the need. Of course, my continuing to be here to offer support and our volunteer work in a marriage ministry keeps it closer to the surface for both of us than if we just healed and moved on.<P>The way I describe it is like this.....I'll never be grateful for the sin that came into our marriage, but I'll always be grateful for the way God revealed Himself and worked in us to lead us to healing.<P>I just realized that I didn't answer your questions.....<BR>The difference is that we communicate very openly now. Neither of us hides what we think or feel from the other....even when it is something painful. We are both much more in tune with the other and aware of moods and feelings. We are sensitive to each other, but also honest.<P>The trust is something that took time to rebuild. My husband made himself an open book to me and still is today. It's only in the past few months that he will come and get online without specifically telling me that is what he is going to do. His daily schedule is an open book and he is very sensitive to my feelings about any friendships he has with women at his office. (The affair was with a friend from our now-former church.) When a female co-worker invited him to go to lunch...innocent, I'm sure....he declined when she said it would just be the two of them. He explained that he won't go to lunch with women unless it is as part of a group. I hadn't asked him to take that stand, he did it on his own.<P>I trust him, because I trust the honesty and openness we have in our marriage today. It isn't a blind trust that assumes he won't be unfaithful, but a trust based on the communcation we've built.<P>Healing and happiness are absolutely within reach for the couple who want them.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited June 08, 2001).]

I want to thank you both for the inspiration...you've made the goal a little easier for me to see.<P>Thanks!

Hello LL,<BR>Happy is so subjective! <BR>Some days are happy, others are not too great. Isnt that normal? Recovered, yes.<BR>Best wishes, cl

2 years & 4 months recovery from my H's 7-week A. In addition, dealt with H's alcohol addiction. Upon his confession, we began recovery immediately (therapy, AA, alanon, etc). It definitely has been a rollercoaster ride and hasn't been easy.<P>Unfortunately, for 2 years, OW has sporadically made attempts to reignite the A. She carries a torch for my H. My H finally saw her for what she truly was. He had to write (2) "No Contact" letters for the (2) attempts that she made. It has been 5 months since he last heard from her.<P>I haven't fully healed. Whenever the OW pops herself into our lives, the ugly triggers arise and set my recovery back, but at least, I haven't had to start from the very bottom again.<P>Trust took a long time to rebuild. Blind trust no longer exists. What helped in recovery was that my H eventually realized that in order for our marriage to recover, he needed to change the destructive behaviors that led to the demise of our marriage.<P>He has changed considerably (accountable for time, much more committed to marriage & family, remorseful, etc.)<P>I also needed to learn to communicate with him more effectively and to not enable (make excuses for) his bad behavior. I've also learned to be more patient (hard, but getting better at it).<P>It has been over 2 years and I do have to say that our marriage is doing much better. It isn't the same as it first was in the beginning. I doubt that it ever could be, because of the trauma. However, the marriage is fairly good.<P>We still need to heal but I forsee that we will make it.

LL~<P>I too feel we are well into recovery. Like Peppermint we had to d-days with the same OW. Things are improving with same triggers but with the love and support I feel and have from my husband, I too see us together in distant future.<P>With everything we through I never knew how special my husband is and how special he makes me feel to him. I can say I truly feeled loved by him.<P>Trust issue isn't something that will ever be the same, but there is trust, just different. <P>Best of luck,<BR>Judy

<<.Are there any folks (either BS or WS) out there who are in marriages that have recovered from an affair and who can honestly say they are happy?>>><P>Yes! 2 years and 3 months since the end of my H's A. I guess I have to count the day he ended the A as D day because that was when I found out for sure. OW called me as soon as he left her house. Things have turned out better than I ever could have imagined.<P><<What is different about the relationship?>><P>We have phenomonally better communication. H realized how much of a conflict avoider he was and I gained a better understanding of cetain aspects of his persoanlity. We have definitely learned to meet in the middle. We have a renewed (and much deeper) bond than we ever had before. We both realize what we almost lost and never want to be faces with that again.<P><<How do you conduct yourselves in a trusting manner?>><P>That has been the hardest part. The blind, innocent trust will never come back. But in the last 2 years he has proven to me that he deserves another chance and the longe time goes by, the more I trust him. The first 6 months I was a wreck as far as trust. Even now I still occasionally check his cell phone, just for peace of mind.<P>It's been a long hard road, but well worth it. Our marraige has healed, we have healed as a couple. My biggest lingering issue is my quest towards finding apathy towards the OW after the horrible things she said and did to me after he ended their affair.<P>For those who are not happy, do you have a decent relationship? What trouble do you encounter. How do you feel on a general basis?<P>I think we'd all like to see the results of this question. Thanks....LL[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

COunt me in <BR>Affair happened 3 years ago. THIngs looked really bad for a while.<BR>But hey, we did recover and are having a great time.<P>FOr the ones who know me and expect a long post, this is the first time I'm going to come out with a short one.<BR>I'm really beat, my daughter has been sick for the last 2 weeks and it's finally taking a toll on me.<BR>See ya all tomorrow.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

You can count us in.<P>I was the ws, we've been in recovery for almost a year. And there were many times that I, he and everyone here honestly thought it was over. <P>Are we happy? Happier then we've been, because we are more aware that life and love are not a given. <P>Is it easy? Not by a long shot, the hurts are deep, but the love is deeper. It comes down to which one do you want to live with: love or pain?<P>"we're on a road that has no end and each day we begin again, love isn't something that we find, it's something that we do."<P>So, while the relationship before was "easier" with the blind trust and faith. I feel that the relationship after is more meaningful, deeper and true.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com<P>We're only human, baby<BR>We walk on broken ground<BR>We lose our way<BR>We come unwound<BR>We'll turn in circles, baby<BR>We're never satisfied<BR>We'll fall from grace<BR>Forget we can fly<BR>But through all the tears that we cried<BR>We'll survive<P>Cause when we're torn apart<BR>Shattered and scarred<BR>Love has the grace to save us<P>Sara Evans-- Born to Fly

Btw Kat....hope your dd is feeling better soon! What's wrong with her?<P>Cat

Count us in. <P>They had an emotional affair that began 11 years ago and lasted two years. (She was getting her sexual needs met by the boss, her friendship needs met with my h., her financial support from her husband.)<P>I asked for NO CONTACT, but he wouldn't leave the job. He was moved off projects with her, but they continued to be in the same small firm.<P>They maintained NO CONTACT (except for furtive glances) for 5 years.<P>Then we had lots of family crises, and one day she approached him to comfort him in the loss of his mother. Unfortunately, she did this pressed up against him with her hand on his crotch. <P>A 14 month nooner affair ensued. I suspected it...and spent two years in purgatory trying to catch him.<P>When she dumped him, he became suicidal.<P>Enter MB and counseling for a year.<P><BR>Affair was over in 99. We are now 21 months into happy recovery.<P>See more at the Inspirational posts link.<P>joyfully and gratefully<P>lizzie<p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited June 12, 2001).]

I wish we knew cat!<BR>She's been coughing nonstop. First we were told she had croup. I can live with that, she had croup before. But then it was going on for longer than usual, so we took her to the doctor again and were told that by giving her cough suppressant we might have made it goon longer, but we got some meds for asthma as weel, which made it even worse.<BR>Her chest is completely clear, it's all in the upper part.<BR>We've been in the doctor many times because the poor kid doesn't stop for a minute.<BR>She's actually taking it pretty well, when she goes on the street and starts with that barking cough, dogs start barking too ... she always bursts: "I hate it when you dogs respond to me ! " LOL<BR>Yesterday we went again to the doctor. He gaves us another hypothesis: whooping cough. ALthough she was immunized, it could be. SOnow she's also on antibiotic. Let's see.<BR>But believe me I'm completely done. The only times she doesn't cough is when she's asleep but then when she's asleep she's sleepwalking!!!!gRRRR.... and her room is right beside the stairs too... that's why I haven't been able to sleep this last 2 weeks... I think it's starting to show now, people just have to look into my eyes lol.<P>ANyway sorry to barge on this thread with this, it really has nothing to do with the subject, maybe I should have answered to cat on another thread, but now it's too late <BR>Hugs to all.<P>Glad to see all the recovered friends in here.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

Hi Guys,<BR> I don't post often, but I can't resist this one.<BR> I can honestly say that we are truly happy and very much in love 3 years past d-day.<BR> I never thought it would happen, when I found out about this sight, I would read stories of recovery and cry, knowing we would never get there.<BR> He went through every stage. He didn't love me, hadn't for years, ect....<BR> Then the fog and the continued phone calls and the lies, he even got fired from a great job, he was her boss.<BR> It took about 4 months for the real recovery to begin, but we have made it all the way.<BR> There are times, and I sadly think there always will be, when the pain still hits me, I work for the same company and get reminders and hear stories about her from time to time, but he is always there for me, my lover and my best friend.<BR> We found the love that got us together in the first place, that magical feeling that we had lost in kids and jobs and bills, and now we both know that nothing is more important than us.<BR> WE take the time every day to let each other know how we feel and I believe we always will, lesson learned the hard way.<BR> I wish love and luck to all of you, and I can say as hard as it is, if you love them don't give up.

Learninglife -<P>My H and I have been in recovery for over a year, and I can honestly say that we have a much better marriage now than before the affair - not because of the affair but in spite of it. My H and I had another heart-to-heart conversation last night (we often have these, just to make sure that we're both doing okay), and I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we are VERY happy.<P>Over a year ago, when I ended my A, I never thought my H and I would EVER get to this point. I never thought he would be able to forgive me, I never thought he would be able to trust me, I never thought I would get over my remorse and guilt, I never thought those "in love" feelings with my H would return - I was a mess.<P>I thank God every day for giving me a H that was willing to endure the worst situation that can happen to a marriage - and not only endure it, but help me get through this, too. <P>For me, I think, my H and I communicate a lot better now, we seem to "know" how the other person is feeling (we're more in-tune with each other I guess). At one point, I thought we were "just roommates" going about our lives spearately, but now, we really are a team, partners, life partners. When one of us down, the other step up to the plate and picks us up. We're more honest with each other about everything - not just what we want to do tomorrow, but how we're feeling - about our relationship. When we have disagreements - we work through them immediately versus "letting them brew." We are constantly trying to meet each others' needs, but we've kind of gotten past that, and it's almost second nature.<P>When I first confessed to my H, I knew nothing about needs. Even though I was deeply sorry for what I had done, I was still very selfish. I think I've learned a lot and grown over this past year in so many ways - ways that I never thought would ever happen.<P>Trust. . .My H forgave me, day 1, when I confessed. And, that to me, and the way he has treated me over the past year, has made all of the difference in our recovery. One stumbling block - kind of a big one - was that I had a very hard time forgiving myself. I think I have forgiven myself, but more importantly, I am starting to be able to live with myself again. Trust - my H has always trusted me - even shortly after I confessed, and I think that by confessing the affair - yes, my H was still hurt - but I think that also helped - versus being discovered in an A.<P>So, if there are any WS out there - who do not see the value of confessing (even if their spouse would never find out) - I can only tell you that by confessing, I was able to help my H regain his trust in me and for me to regain my own self-esteem. It hurt a lot at first, but I absolutely have no regrets about ending the affair and confessing everything to my H. The rain comes, but a rainbow can appear. In my situation, it was a downpour, but there was a rainbow.<P>And, I don't think my H and I would have ever made it this far if it hadn't been for the concepts outlined on this site (complete honesty, no contact, policy of joint agreement, needs, etc. . .) and for all of the support we've been given.<P>My H and I never went for formal counseling, but this site was a God-send for us.

Learning life, yesterday Ididn't answer all your questions. Here's what is happening with us 3 years after A:<BR>What is different about the relationship?<BR>Many things, most good <BR>WE really have making communication a high priority thing, which wasn't happening before. WE would talk whenever there was a chance for it, but not much about important things like how we were feeling withing the relationship and even worse, we had a tendency to never talk about what was not feeling good within the marriage.<BR>Now we do talk about it. Every once in a while we kind of do an inventory. If there's something that doesn't seem to be working to well ( recently we discovered that my computer time was taking some of our together time, and so was his going out for a coffee on weekend mornings because he was then staying for a long time playing cards with friends and stuff, so we kind of compromised. Worked out some sort of a schedule - kind of - where we still could do those things, but also keep some time for us as a couple)<P>We're certainly making sure that we don't skip couple time even if it's 15 minutes sitting together - sometimes it's all we have - watching tv, or talking, or even just reading a book, but together.<BR>We also try to make time - we work many hours and different schedules again ( exactly as when the A happened) - no matter what to at least have the change to do some recreational things together, or just go out for a walk in the park or something.<P>We don't let things bottle up now. SOmetimes is happening we acknowledge it immediatly and discuss what can be done together.With our schedules there's a lot of compromising to do, but it's working <P>WE pay more attention to needs, and try to remember that the most important need for one, probably are not the most important for the other. And hubby needs to pay special attention to it, because he has the tendency to dismiss some things as not important or even silly sometimes But it's working well too, he's doing a great job most of the times.<BR>As I try to as well.<P>We work better as a team now. Not that we weren't before, but with all the work hours and different schedules we tended to really on ourselves mostly and then when the load was too much we would ressent each other's less difficult taks Now, even though we're back - not for longo thankfully - to a very difficult and different work schedule we're relying one each other more. ANd planning together. WHen one has trouble doing something the other one steps in. Stuff like that.<P>WE're defenitely remembering the small things. those ones that have a tendency to be forgotten after the first years, most times due to work load, plus kids, plus whatever life throws at us.<BR>A nice massage , something nice just because... stuff like that.<P>There's certainly more, our way of being in the relationship certainly changed, but these are probably the major changes together with a different view ( or perspective ) of what a relationship is, and isn't.Including the realisation that just by being in a relationship we don't become blind to others, or close up to any feelings that we might have for others. Just that if our own relationship is working well, than those outside possibilities, don't really have the same impact as they would if relationship was in shaky ground.<P>The trust... well that was a thoughie for a bit. But as we keep doing the right things ( the maintenance program as one of our friends here, pilot's wife, used to say ) we slowly start building a different trust, as I said above, not a blind, a more informed trust that acknowledges all that can happen and works to avoid falling into a position where they can happen. <BR>My husband and I have many friends, from both sexes. SOme closer to one of us, some closer to the other one. But we present ourselves as a couple. Yes there we have time alone with our friends, but all of them know both of us, the team. Before, specially before the A happened, we were falling into the trap of - because it was so difficult to be in the same place at the same time - having any friends that the other one didn't even know. That wasn't too good, proven, because some of those friends of my husband were the one's present and actually accepting the A. Inteesting thing is that after things were getting better, and they finally met me, their views changed. I had became real, as opposed to the "wife" they had never seen.<P>I guess this is about it. If you have any more questions do ask away.<BR>I hope this helped.<BR>Hugs <BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

Guard & I are both BS & WS. All affairs over for more than a year, the bad times ran from spring 98-spring 00, 7 separations during that time, he broke off & resumed his PA 3-4 times. I got overly involved with a male friend in the last separation. Any explanation for that sounds pretty much like any other WS.<P>I think we are a long way into recovery. We both had contact by the OP this April--the former OW co-worker sent an email, I saw the OM at the gym--we both told. The crushing anxiety is gone for me, even on the once a month weekend I know my H might see the OW because of their work.<P>Actual happiness is a little harder to nail down, but I think we are content with where we are and hoping for an improving future. I don't cry anymore, we rarely fight--last time was about 6 weeks ago. I'm ready for the bad times to stay in our past. There is little use in rehashing mistakes made that no amount of current effort will ever change that we made bad choices and hurt each other.<P>Our kids are gone presently for 5 days, so we're experiencing life without them. Kids are easy to hide behind and/or get busy with. We had a really wonderful day on Thursday. I had to work in the morning, H made lunch for me, we went golfing, went to a new bar in town for a couple beers, then to the movie "Knight's Tale", home for a nap & a snuggle, and I made supper for him. There truly were no lingering dark shadows, nor were either of us "trying too hard". It was easy between us. Tonight we're going out again to celebrate our 18 wedding anniversary--which is Monday June 11. I'm working today (I had cleared my work schedule, but the person who was supposed to work for me was injured--drat!) and my H stopped by just to give me a kiss. And that made me happy .<P>We're making new, good memories.<P>What's different? In some ways, even during the worst times, we still got along, we still spent time together. I think now, we're kinder to each other, but since we're a bit ornery & quick-witted, we aren't so kind that we creep each other out . It's ok to joke about one another's personalities & quirks. It wasn't ok for a long time, I especially took every thoughtless or off-hand remark as dead serious evidence that my H found me "flawed" (the hit to self-esteem that most BS go through). Now when he says I'm nuts, I tend to agree, not wonder if he's going to commit me to the psych ward. We do try to stay away from lovebusters.<P>Conducting ourselves trustworthily--our lives are open to each other. We call a couple times during the work day, tell what we're going to be doing, or if plans have changed. Nobody disappears without warning. We have each other's passwords for email & his voice mail. The cell phone is mainly his, but I see that bill as well as the credit cards. We invite each other along on errands, or take a kid along, it's a painless way to be accountable. <P>Either of us have the skills to continue our affairs, like I said, the OW is a co-worker. The OM lives about 6 blocks from both my home & 1 1/2 miles from work, toward home. But what my H said, that I finally believe, is that he can't/won't go back to living dishonorably like that, it would kill him. I don't contact the OM because now I am firmly married, whereas during the time I saw him, my H had left me and it seemed my marriage was ending. And...the OM is married now as well...I can't think of a reasonable reason to contact him, only disreputable reasons and hurt to my H, and I don't want to live like that either.<P>When trust first starting coming back during this reconciliation, it honestly scared the whoosis out of me. His promises had been broken so many times I had an aversion to even allowing that he was telling the truth. But the thing is, I also knew that I would at that point distrust any man--that was my wound to heal, no matter if I was with my H or not. Time, love, patience has healed my ability to trust. I do trust my H. I also respect him...he had fallen so far and for so long that his reputation suffered and I know it has been difficult for him at times to face my family, my/our friends, but he has done it, he apologized to my parents for what he put me through. I see him as a man of deliberate integrity. He's a good man.<P>I believe he also trusts me, in any regard he knows that I could choose to do wrong and there wouldn't be anything he could do to stop me. Same for me with him. We try to decide and live wisely, apologize when we're wrong and if things get wonky, start fresh the next day. There's a good feeling in doing the right thing...perhaps you could even call it happiness .<P>I think the real key is for the WS to behave trustworthily and for the BS to forgive and let the past go. Unforgiveness leads to anger and bitterness, eventually to a killing of the spirit. Forgiveness frees the BS to find contentment & happiness and that is true even when the marriage does not survive or recover.<P>So, in addition to that, spend time together, follow the MB 4 rules of successful marriage, meet each other's needs and love each other...<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

How awesome to stop in and read so many success stories....some of which I'm familiar with and others I've not heard before. Just proves to me that more of us make it than don't and I'm glad to know it.<P>I want to echo the people who've said that even though the marriage is healed and they are happy, that there are still disagreements. The difference between now and then is that the disagreements aren't allowed to brew and become something more than they really are. We've both learned how to say I'm sorry, even when we don't necessarily think we should be the first to do it. We've both learned how to simply let a disagreement go and move past it. In other words, we learned to pick our battles. No matter how serious a disagreement, though, we don't let it grow into something that divides us. We talk it out and work through it.<P>We've realized that love is a decision and that we have to look at our relationship and sometimes give more than we get. What we have and what we've built is too precious to ever risk again. The future is full of promise.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Well, I can't resist this thread...<P>Let's see...by 1999 we'd gotten pretty distant-- no anger, no fights, but not a lot of closeness emotionally, and sex was down to once a week without much enthusiasm. For most of the marriage, he had been what our counselor terms "emotionally unavailable". Finally I gave up on trying to connect with him & threw my energies into other things (job, kids, PTA, church, you name it). He started spouting all kinds of "middle aged crazy" kind of stuff and ended up falling deeply in love with a co-worker. <P>He did not tell me about her at first, only that he was unhappy living with me, did not love me, wanted to leave...that was 12/27/99. My first thought was that I was sure as heck not in-love with him either, so go. But, given that we have 2 kids, and that I did care about him (while not at all in-love), I asked him to stay and work on things with me.<P>He did, and he tried very hard. He had already cut-off contact with the coworker (tho working at the same company made it very hard not to occasionally see a glimpse of her, or hear her name from someone else, etc). He was being torn in two, and was in incredible pain. We went to one marriage counselor a few times, but it did not help. While he was trying, he was still inlove with her, and kept secretly thinking that one day things might work out with her if they did not work out with us. <P>We started using the MB "plan to restore love in your marriage", and it did help a bit, in that the changes we made made our relationship start to recover a bit. He still had not told me about her, but in his heart, he was trying to let go of her. But, he was still in great pain, and obviously having a lot of difficulty coping. I tried to get him to go to an individual counselor. Finally, he had to tell me about her, and it all came out...how he felt she was the right person for him, how he had never felt a bond like this with anyone else, how he felt she understood him at an almost pyschic level, etc. He was, truly, grieving her loss. Many times, I listened to him crying over her; he was also having chest pains, insomnia, anxiety attacks...but of course, he was NOT depressed and did not need to see a doctor or anything .<P>He did end up finally going to an individual counselor a few months later, who helped him work through all this. And, we kept working together, using MB principles. Eventually, we fell back in-love. <P>Of course, it has taken me a while to trust that he truly loved me, after all I'd heard about this OW, and the fact that his hurt over losing her had been so deep. The way the counselor explained it was that he had shut down his feelings for such a long time before he fell for her, that when he did allow her to "reach" him emotionally a little bit, his emotional reaction was dramatic. Sort of like a plant that has been half-starved for water getting a drink, I suppose. <P>Besides all that, there were some issues we had to resolve...not much point in falling back in love if you are going to return to the same ways of relating that lead you to fall out to begin with. But, it IS very possible to recover the love that you once had, and to make it much stronger and deeper than before. It is a lot of work, but so are most worthwhile things.<P>So, to tie up this long narrative, at this point, we are happy & in-love, and truly do have a deeper, more honest relationship than ever before. We did not return to the same marriage we'd had, but a much better one than even in our most in-love early days. He no longer feels that she was the "right" person for him, and he often tells me how glad he is that we are still together, and so much in love w/each other. <P>Personally, I think she WAS a good match for him in many ways. If he had not been married & with kids, I think they could have been happy together. Not necessarily happier or less happy than we are, just different. Just as I have met a few guys I could have been happy with also. I guess what I am saying is that I do not believe that there is only 1 person you can love madly and truly, and be happy with. I think that there are many people one could build a deep, true love with...part of the equation is marrying someone you can be in-love with, and the other part is building, re-building and nurturing that love. <P>So, I think we have a better marriage than before, because we have learned to put each other first, and have learned how to meet each other's needs better than we did in the past. As for regaining trust, that is a daily thing. Despite being very in-love with her, he did not sleep with her, so I do not feel a great fear of physical betrayal. But, since he was emotionally distant and unwilling to let me be close to him for so many years, then became so infatuated with someone else, I have to say that trusting him emotionally is not always easy. But, the alternative is to hold back and not truly be "in" the relationship, but only on the edges. So, part of it is a daily choice to let myself be vulnerable versus "walled-off." The other part is reminding myself that he is not the same person he was, and I think he has learned a lot about himself, our relationship, and how much it means to him. Same goes for me, of course...<P>Kathi<BR><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited June 10, 2001).]

We are one year into recovery. We had "long distance" healing for nearly a year, as H transferred six hours away with his job. I transferred almost a year later a year ago in September. After I got here I was alone quite a bit, but knew he was at work. The job here had unattainable goals and he was killing himself. At my urging, he got another job and is much happier. We spend the weekends on our boat or exploring the little seaside towns nearby. Is it easy? No. The separation killed us financially, so we basically had to start over buying a house, etc. Put on top of that our son who has dropped out of college and has questionable activities. <P>We do work better as a team and I don't keep anything from him. He does his part in paying the bills and running the household. Before, I had to "make ends meet" , yet give him an open checkbook. That was hard. <P>We both appreciate each other and the time we have together. While is affair is a "taboo" subject, I believe it will never happen again. <P>Yes, we are happy. <P>