I'll briefly describe the situation so you'll have some background before I ask for advice. My H has been in a 2+ year affair. I called him on it about three months ago.... he took about a week to "decide" if he wanted me or her (although she's married as well)... then we had some individual and 4-5 joint counseling sessions. Its been tough for me to pull through this - the OW is blonde, very thin, had a boob job at the beginning of the affair, etc...which has been quite humiliating....I'm a working mother who struggles to juggle the house, 2 kids, my job, etc. However, the worst is that all of us are family friends - we've done parties, restaurant visits, snow skiing, etc.... together. I had felt like this was rubbed in my face, but couldn't completely prove it for a while. We also do business with the OW and her H. At this point, her H still doesn't know - I decided not to spill the beans, and try to take the highest Christian road possible, though I've had major temptation. Currently, my H says he only sees her when they do business, and the sex and cell phone calls are gone. I do believe him about this. He says that he truly wants to work on the marriage, and both of us agree that we've made progress in several areas. There's no hostility anymore, and sex is much better. Here are my two questions:<P>1) I am in favor of cutting all business ties with the OW and her H. Of course, my H says that everyone will know something happened, and that he really doesn't deal much with the OW on things anway. I don't care for the OW to be privy to info. on how much $$ we make, etc.... to me its bad enough that I have to drive by their business every day on the way to pick up my kids. I think I can suck it up, but I'm really not sure if that's the real issue here.... What do you think?<P>2) Although we've made progress, I'm the one generating the affection here....(which used to be his argument) Yes, the sex is fine... but my husband has not said on his own once "I love you",... or complimented my on what I'm wearing, etc. When I confronted him about this, he says that he guess he just takes it for granted that I know he loves me - which seems pretty lame to me after all we've been through. I've read books, done lots of praying and spiritual work, and really believe that most of all my resentment is gone. However, when he can't even say he really cares for me, etc.... it keeps throwing me backwards. I'm not going to sit around and wait forever for him to show some affection. It seems like I'm the one having to make the changes - I've lost a few pounds, which was a big issue with him, and I've changed some bad habits.. Has anyone else experienced this, and is it just a lack of patience on my part, or what.... Please advise - I really need it. <P>

Striving:<P>Hi! I'm a junior member too and there are a lot of others here that have much more to offer than I do, but a couple of things struck me as I read your post.<P>first off, I think the "no contact at all, period, the end" stipulation of Marriage Builders - that is the WS must give up all contact forever with the OP is absolutely essential. You will always wonder as long as there is contact, and the temptation will always be there as long as there is contact of any kind. You can "Plan A" with your husband while he's still in contact, but one of the goals of Plan A is to completely separate him from the OW.<P>Secondly, this is awfully early in this whole process. You seem to have a lot of reason to hope, but don't be surprise if things turn bad again, and your H goes back to see-sawing between the two of you.<P>And by all means keep up the affection if he will let you. It may seem one sided, but the fact that he lets you meet those emotional needs is very good.<P>I hope this helps some.<P>Ishmael<P>-Love is stronger than death - King Solomon

Striving<P>First I would cut contact even if it meant that I had to find a different supplier, customer or whatever business relationship this couple provides.<P>Second it is very early in your recovery. I have been though several ddays beginning in Nov 00 and finally a no contact letter sent 3/5 and I am just starting to get affection that I enjoy. I have worked hard to meet his EN especially SF which has been difficult for me to stay focused. My point in sharing this with you is that like you I have been stressed about the time frame and where we are and where I'd like to be. I want to assure you that it all takes time and continued no contact.

I need to get to work, but wanted to take a moment to pass some info one to you..... there is a post of general welcome you can use as a reference... <BR>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>I also suggest that you read the book Surviving An Affair (SAA) by Dr. Harley <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html</A> <P>You are right that you and your husband need to take extra ordinary measures to have no futher contact with the OW (other woman) in order for your marriage to recover from his affair. The SAA book discusses how to go about this.<P>My thoughts are with you.<BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 22, 2001).]

ditto Ishy and ZZZZZ - any thing less than no contact will not work.<P>Also, many will argue that keeping the other H in the dark is UN-Christian. Doesn't he deserve to know? Wouldn't you have liked to know earlier? Please consider it. It will promote "no contact" all the way around.<P>WAT

Striving,<P>I agree whole heartedly with all of the others...NO CONTACT...NONE, ZIP, ZERO. To maintain a business relationship, imho, of any kind allows for that door to open at anytime. You will go through many ups and downs for the next two years. The last temptation you need is to have her be anywhere around when your H gets down on himself, begins to feel ugly for his actions or when you two have had a confrontation, odds are, she'll be there to "pick him up", stroke his ego, remind him how wonderful he is and that you should be "grateful". Additionally, if she has yet to tell her H, it is way too easy for this to pick up again. The only person they need to fool is you. I am not however suggesting that you tell him. Maintain the higher road. The temptation to contact him is just that, a temptation and a regrettable one...above all else maintain YOUR dignity and spirituality, you have "lost" enough to this woman, keep your sights on your marriage and your wellbeing. JMHO and best wishes.

You stated that H doesn't want to stop doing business with them "because everyone will know something happened"??? You're d*mned right something "happened"! Your H screwed up. Why should you protect his reputation? He didn't care about his reputation when he was screwing another woman, did he?<P>Your H needs to do everything to make things right. And if it means cutting out business dealings with the OW, the so be it! <P>BTW, the OW husband should be told. Wouldn't you have liked to have been told? Too many STD's out there, some of them deadly, and he's innocent in all this, like you are.

I wouldn't want to be the one to tell OW's H about the A, but I agree that he should know. It should, I repeat, should, make it easier to insist on NO CONTACT if it's two against two. OW's H won't likely be any more pleased than you are. <P>Why, oh why, don't these WS's realize that there are ramifications to their actions? Just want to be friends? Hey, you WERE friends, you chose to blow it. Now deal with the mess. My WH wants to move away to "make a fresh start". Why should I move? I don't have a problem holding MY head up high in this town!<P>The A is over, but the fog remains... or is it just a simple lack of sense?<P>--The Hat

The no contact rule has two affects. The first is that it removes all temtation. The other is that it is a statement of respect and support made by the WS to the BS. It is tellin you and the world that your husband values you and your marriage.<P>When my husband finally did send out this no contact letters to all 10 (yes 10) of his OW some of them contacted me in distress. They could not reach him and they were very upset because the letter was all about me, how he owed me the love and support to set our marriage back on track, how his "friendship" with them was a cruel indulgence that I did not deserve. <P>It felt very very good. I was nice to them and did not come right out and say "No Duh". Did it in as nice a way as I could. But "No Duh".<P>One of the main reasons you husband is behaving the way he is about this affair is that he has no role model to show him the correct way to recover you marriage and make this up to you.<P>Hopefully in time he will accept the MB philosophy. Perhaps you can get some conseling with the MB staff.<P>Z