It's been a bad day. I've been crying off and on since I got up this morning. I am feeling more and more that my marriage is over...and my heart is heavy with the thought.<P>I've been running several times a week for the past seven months, which has helped tremendously with losing weight and getting fit again. This morning I was crying while I ran. I had to keep using the corner of my shirt to wipe away the tears. The kid who passed me on his bike must've thought I was crazy.<P>Tonight I got out the photo album from when our son was born...and I can see the happiness in my husband's eyes. I can see the joy. And I felt again that miraculous bond of family that I felt that first night at 12:36 am when my baby entered this world. And then I looked at the wedding album again. I looked at the tears in my husband's eyes as he promised his life and love to me. I saw us dance, my hand in his. I did not imagine this love. I did not dream up the bond...it's there, in full color, for all to see. It did really happen...a fact at once comforting and devastating.<P>I looked at the strip of photos from the photo booth at the mall when we were first dating--heads pressed together, eyes crossed, making crazy faces. We were 23 years old. I saw us opening Christmas presents. Visiting grandparents. Traveling the country together. Sipping champagne when we bought our first home.<P>Like pages out of a fairy tale, I wonder how we got where we are. To this land of unanswered questions, lies and betrayal, lost love and grounded dreams. Who are we now? Who were we then? Are we the same people?<P>I let the tears come, knowing I can't stop them. I keep wondering where love goes when it dies. Does it evaporate, like water? Does it burn into powdery ashes? How can something so big disappear without a trace?<P>I don't know the answers. I only know that familiar lump of pain in my heart that gets heavier everyday, harder to carry and harder to bear. I can't see my life beyond it. I never planned a life beyond this bond. Where do we go from here? Who do we become, and how do we live?<P>Calla

Oh calla, your post breaks my heart. What you say here is so true and so sad. Can you share these feelings with your H? Only a man made of stone would not be touched by them.

Oh Calla - the love DOESN'T disappear, you know that - it just gets buried in the fog for a while. Somewhere inside him, he has those same precious memories as you do - he will never forget them, but again, they are being smothered by this awful fog. <P>I don't know what's wrong with 'today' but everyone seems to be having a bad one together....at least we're not alone!<P>(((((((((Calla)))))))))) You are an amazing woman and I KNOW that you will pull through this OK? I won't drown if you don't....<P>hugs, Paint

Calla, dear Calla<P>I you have had a sad day haven't you? I wish I knew the magic words to make it all go away. But I don't know what they are. <P>If you can take the time, do something comforting for yourself.... a nice bath, or a cup of tea, or call a friend and talk. I don't know what it is for you, but whatever makes you feel nurtured.<P>Gardner is right. Your husband should see your posting. No matter what his reaction is he should read it.<P>{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Calla, I feel your pain.<P><<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>>><P>Paint is right on with her post.

Paint, as they say in basketball, is "in the paint" ... a picture is worth a thousand denials: he could deny that he ever harbored any love for you in his current fog.<P>The pictures paint a different portrait.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Calla;<BR>Those memories you have so vividly described - NO ONE can take those away from you OR YOUR HUSBAND...he is just in the fog and just cant see them right now..<P>Dont give up....<P>Scuba

calla, plz keep a stiff upper lip. I know how bad those thoughts and memories can make your day miserable. I wish you the best, and just try to be and strong as you can be.<P>Running is good, I worked out to try and combat those feelings, it helps.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Calla,<P>((((((((hugs))))))))<P>Hope today is a much better day.<P><BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

How are you doing today? <P>hugs Paint.

calla30:<P>Sorry, Calla, I feel for you...I'm sharing this pain myself. I can understand...when you wrote: pain in my heart that gets heavier everyday, harder to carry and harder to bear. I can't see my life beyond it. As I feel this way myself. <P>It's so hard. This is also hard, but I suggest you put those albums away and don't look at them. Don't subject yourself to being hurt more. Everything in this house reminds me that H is gone. I've put away the smaller reminders, out of site, out of mind (sort of). To bad I can't stuff away the walls, furniture and everything else. Moving is not an option. <P>I had even thought of taking all of these memorable items and sending them to him. All the beautiful "I love you" cards, etc., he gave me, but I didn't. <P>I know I dwell too much on this myself.....it's actually self-destructive. So I don't know what to say, except try hard not to and keep busy. Thinking about H is hazardous. <P>Try doing things for yourself, to make YOU feel better. Maybe something you always wanted to do. <P>Also have you tried counseling? <P>I hope you feel better and I said a prayer for you.<P>Hang in there.<BR>Take care of yourself.<BR>

Hi calla - I hope you're feeling better today. Keep running.<P>Let me offer one strategy I've used for handling the bad days - maybe it will work for you. On one of those bad days, I decided that I wasn't going to play the victim any more. Like another poster said, "I'm determined to be the hero."<P>By going through this pain, you're becoming stronger. You're rediscovering your convictions. You're confirming your earlier decisions. You are becoming the anchor that your marriage will need to keep from getting swept away. Keep believing these things and you'll become proud of what you're trying to accomplish. You'll feel good about yourself and gain self respect. Trust me on this.<P>WAT

Calla--<P>I had a bad day yesterday, too. (Kaboom--Explosion in counseling & H*** hath no fury like a woman who LB's). In fact, the week has sucked rocks and it's only Wed .<P>I sure hope your day is better today.<P>I'm feeling better, I punctured a few holes in fantasyland and though, I may regret it later, I doubt it.<P>I'm really at the point that he has got to leave. And, I'm almost at the point where I may have to do plan b cause at this point, I don't even know if I want him back. but that's another story.<P>HUGs and more HUGs to you.<P>Cali