Friends - <P>Well, when things spiral out of control, do they ever get out of control...<P>Last night, I had a session with Jennifer Harley and although I have been at the brink of divorce this past week since my WS ignored my Plan B letter, Jennifer gave me some food for thought. I brought some of what we talked about to my WS and she received it with so much disdain and contempt, I lost it <P>Basically, she ignored me when I talked, refused to acknowledge that her A was still ongoing (and by all accounts, accelerating) - she wouldn't talk to me to even tell me what we should be doing since essentially we're not doing anything now - except her living with me and the kids, enjoying the big home and perks of my income, and spending all of her free time with OM (including scheduling our children away during the day during summer vacation so that she can be with him).<P>Unfortunately, this was more then I could bear after almost a year of pain and I refused to let her manipulate me anymore. I basically kept talking in a confrontational tone until she couldn't stand it anymore and called the police. No violence, no arguing, no raised voices even (our kids slept thru everything). But, it made me realize that I cannot do this anymore.<P>So, I'm finished - she won, our children lost. I'm so sad this morning that I can hardly stand it anymore. The divorce papers are supposed to be ready this week, so maybe this was meant to be...<P>I pray for forgiveness and the strength to heal. I know that this is not Gods perfect will for us, but she has moved to some other place and I can no longer let her hurt us anymore. If possible, we will continue to live in the same house with our children - I know I can be cordial with her now and our children need me. I simply wish I wasn't at a failure at making this plan work.<P>Thanks for so many months of hope and inspiration. I wish you all every hope and all the happiness you each deserve. You will all be in my prayers.<P>God Bless -

I just wanted to offer you some support. I'm so sorry things are working out this way.<P>But, first of all, you are not a failure in making this plan work. But I think you will realize that in time.<P>I also am heading for a D, my H is also in great denial regarding his affair (and they have a baby).. and I too have suffered what I would describe as emotional abuse for the past 18 months. All the while doing plan A... Plan B was met with too much bullying towards the kids and I. (He put the kids in the middle)..and got support from his family.<P>All I know now that some time has gone by is that I truly did my best. And I am very cordial with my H. I have forgiven him... The sad truth is that he can't forgive himself and so is trapped in all of his guilt and lies.<P>But I haven't forgotton, therefore, I created the boundaries needed so as not to be hurt again.<P>I do believe, wholeheartedly, that God has a plan... I know in my case I have learned much about myself this past year. I've had to take the "speck" out of my own eye many times and have been blessed with patience and gentleness (but I had to be broken for that to happen). <P>I will keep you in my prayers. And always have hope!! We always have hope!!!

...<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited June 30, 2001).]

I'll second that, you are *not* a failure for this. You did the best you could for all involved, you didn't ask for this, but it was handed to you, and you handled it the only way you knew how. The fact that you made the effort for so long despite the pain and misery that comes with it shows the strength of your character.<P>But sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just don't work out the way we want them to. And no, she didn't 'win', there are no winners here, except maybe you. It's hard to see right now, but to go through the intense shock and emotional trauma that an A brings, and then to turn around and single handedly try to save your marriage with Plan A / Plan B is a HUGE thing! Many people throw in the towel without a quarter of the effort that this path takes. Be proud of yourself, you've shown strength that you probably didn't know you had. Now is the time to heal, take that time and make life better for yourself and your children, this is where your effort should be now.<P>But remember, human relationships are a funny thing. Never say never because no one knows what the future holds. In time, she may come to realize what she's done, but don't work your life around it.<P>In my situation, I ended it with my WS. She was just too stuck in the fog, and I had satisfied myself that I had done everything I could. Today, 2 months later, we get along quite well and she constantly tells me how much she hates her life now. Is the fog lifting? Probably, but I'm just living life for me. If she gets to the point that she wants back enough to 'Plan A' me, then I'll take that as it comes.<P>All the best to you

To SF and others here,<P>You are at a difficult cross road that is very painful. I have been there also and here is a thread that may help. For me, understanding what I personally was going through (the 5 stages of grieving) helped me understand myself and prepare for the future. Be it better or worse, it is often better to be somewhat prepared. <P>Your anger, hurt and frustration is warranted. Don't berate yourself for all this pain. As hard as it is, look for the piece of good that will come through all this pain. Little as this may seem, you still have your respect in tact. Don't lose that. Others will see it and support you. Eventually your mate will see what you have (though she may be jealous) and acknowledge (maybe to a limited degree) that you are the better person. <P>If that is the most that comes out of your individual situations, it is still better than what they (OPs) are left with. There are other benefits, it is like making lemonade out of life's lemons. Think positive. This is easier said than done at this time, but you must remember this is all relatively new for you and you are pretty much still in shock. It will wear off and there will be a greater flood of emotions. Take a look at some of the stories out there. Some of us have done a lot of crazy things. Some good, some bad. <P>Here is that thread:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

spiritfilled,<P>All I can say to you is that I'm sorry. I hope you will stay with us. And you did not make this happen. The fact that your W would not talk to you at all, makes me think that she was still having the affair (or didn't you say you had hard evidence, I can't remember), sorry.<P>God bless,<P>Ish

Sounds like you are going to let her have the kids without even giving it a second thought. Why?<P>Think the children will be better off with her?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

SF:<P>She ingored you because she is still in the fog. Ditto the Plan B letter.<P>So implement a Plan B anyway. You gave her the letter. Perhaps her disdain is because she doesn't think you will go through with a Plan B (or the divorce) my exW certainly didn't think that.<P>The fog began to lift when the judge granted the divorce and me custody of the children.<P>Her comment as she/her lawyer, me/my lawyer walked out of the court: "I suppose that means you don't love me anymore."<P>Didn't know about MB or the Harley's back then, so I answered: "It doesn't mean that I did't love you, it means I can't live with the person you are."<P>Her eyes opened wide and she left crying. Result: devastated family.<P>Your story needn't end that way.<P>Godspeed and prayers with you,<BR>STL

Thanks for the kind words and support <P>My WS wanted to talk last night, so we went out to dinner. Basically, she wanted to tell me that I was right about her lies and conversion to PA with OM. Also, to tell me she was "sorry". Also, she told me she contacted OM and told him not to call anymore and that she would not call or see him as well. She said she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore, but didn't want her relationship with OM "to be an issue anymore".<P>For those of you who know my story, she also told me that the reason she decided to put our divorce "on hold" last month was because she was "scared of divorce" - mostly for financial pressure - not anything about our marriage itself. That is why she continued to see OM afterwards, despite her telling our children that we were going to try and make our marriage work again.<P>All of this in the context of finding out from my attorney that papers would be ready to serve on Monday...<P>Looks like I have a long weekend of prayer and soul-searching ahead of me <P>To Chris - it's not that I'm giving my children to her. After talking with three separate attorneys and our prior mediator, the nature of my job (surgeon) and the fact that she works out of the house (and has been the "primary caregiver" all these years) makes my chances of custody slim at best. And, I'm trying to weigh the pros/cons of a protracted custody battle with what would be in our childrens best interest.<P>Your in my prayers -<p>[This message has been edited by spiritfilled (edited June 29, 2001).]

Hey spiritfilled, My H is also a surgeon and has the kids from wed. to sat.!!!!!<P>Actually, he is the WS bully, and did that (filed a parenting plan with the divorce petition) when I was attempting to talk to him about my moving closer to family support. <P>I saw it as a power play, but it actually really was beneficial for my kids. They are age 6-11, and he hadn't really spent much time with them for about a year (other than the usual disney dad type stuff). And he originally moved out saying he could see the kids 1x a year and that would be enough...also that he didn't see the kids as a reason to try, and that I wanted to be their buddy and he didn't. Of course now that the affair had to be exposed due to her pregnancy (she is his assistant).. now he says I'm trying to keep the kids away from him!!!<P>So, we pretty much split them right now. He has a sitter that gets them up after he leaves for work. For the summer, she brings them here and then he picks them up after work. So, yes YOU CAN DO IT. And it is better for them. <P>I actually have been worried about my H being with the kids so much, because he has a pretty flattened affect right now... (depressed) and of course is making them follow strict rules, yet has none himself. And because they know about the baby!!!! (but he didn't really mention the baby's mom!! pretty ridiculous huh???) But, I really maximize my time with them. ANd they do need the contact with their dad!! I would try!!!!