<P>Yesteray night I cried my heart out when received H's SMS message on cell phone. Just two lines " 'night - kiss - love you". Six months ago when we were separated, I'd give everything just to hear it, now I can't take it. I'm sad, so sad thinking about us and where we are. <P>H is not willing to stop contact with OW, and said it openly few times - no matter how it affects me and D. I showed him God knows how many times that it bothers me a great deal, tried to explain, never raised my voice, never accused, never asked for apology - I just wanted him to committ more to us and stop all contacts with her. <P>I tried to talk to him, but whenever I bring up any subject connected to her I have a scene at home - yelling, refusing to talk, accusing me for putting her between us, warning me that if our marrige fall apart I would be the one to blame for because I can't leave it behind us ... blackmails me with depression episodes, taking pills again, accusing me that I'm again pushing him to a stage he'd been last year (suicide attempt, even blaming me for pushing him then into that direction).<BR> I could go on and on .. <P>"I'm home, I wanted to come back home, I feel happy and comfortable and never regreted a single second I came back. Don't you see I'm here for you and D more than ever in last 5 years? What else do you want?" Honestly, I don't see it neither feel it, but that's what he says. <P>Today I found out that OW returned from sick leave and works again - with him, on her request (I suspect backed by him who was her boss) although she was transferred to another dept. She even asked for her old office next ho his, but was not approved. Needless to say - H didn't tell me. And it's now been 5 weeks since she came back. <P>I can't take it any more. It's all seriously demaging my self respect, and I feel like a complete idiot allowing him to have all he wants, under his conditions. <P>As human being, I can be sorry for someone who is diagnosed stage 3 ovarian cancer, but as wife, I ran out of my patience and understanding for my sitting-on-the-fence husband. It's been a whole year. I can't believe him when says he loves me, I don't feel comfortable sharing intimacy with him, I can't make myself enjoying home as I used to, I don't miss him, I can't even readily say yes if I ask myself do I love him. <P>Yes, I do like when he shows me affection, but can't avoid thinking that is only deception, way how he can have his cake and eat it too. <P>I have no more strenght to get over it, I can't put up with him seeing her and being with her, and the most, there is nothing in this world that can make me believe D and I are more important than OW if WH is not willing to give her up at any price. <P>I'm losing my love for him rapidly, and just want to run away, as soon and as fast as I can. But that's not easy, we have serious financial difficulties, and I can't afford to support me and D on my own now, even with child support. <P>Thanks for reading. <BR>Please, give me some insight, some advice. <P>Adrian <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited July 01, 2001).]

Adrian<P>I'm sorry I do not know your full story, only what I just read in your post. It looks like you should be in plan B, especially since your love for him is dying.<P>You say you have finacial difficulties and I assume this is why you stay with him. I assume you cannot afford to live on your own. Is there anyway that you can change this?<BR>Is there any way that you can end up being the strong one here?Can you get a job/better job?<P>Try to work on yourself to the point that you could be independant and live on your own, if you choose. Work on yourself.<P>As another member of this website said to me once<P>"Be the heroine, not the victim"

Maezy, <P>thanks for your reply. I desperately need to talk to someone today, I feel I'm losing it. <P>No, I'm not staying only because of financial issues. We had 14 years of good marriage, great in many aspects. It's all what we had what I can't get over that easy, it's our D who feels happy when H is "old one he used to be". <P>I still feel I would be able to put all this behind me, including PA, if I feel firm commitment, if he only move away from her and never see her again. I need it to heal. <P>But with all this, I more and more realise that none of the options I see now is acceptable for me: if she survives, for how long am I going to have her around? She plays out her illness to the hilt. If she dies, then what? I'm not sure I could put up with him grieving for years, and knowing I was kinda reserve option. <P>Regarding finances, I am trying to find better job, but living in middle Europe, being female of 38, in economy with 20% unemployment rate it's not easy. I am higly positioned in my company now, and pretty satisfied with the job, good carrier opportunity, still salary is low. Everage, should I say, but not nearly enough for living on my own with mortgage,loans and child. Two salaries in family makes it easier, still neither me or him would have enough to make it alone, even only for basic needs. However, he has family which will support him - can use BIL's apartment free of charge, eat at MIL's, drive FIL's car...at least that's how it was during our separation. I, on the other hand am on my own completely. No help from aside, no family. <P>I don't know what to do. I still want my marriage, I believe I could love him maybe even more than I had before (I learned a lesson too from this A), but I can't do it with him having OW in the wing. I still love the guy whom I was married for 14 years, not this one I have beside me. I grew tired of trying to save this marriage alone. I am so sad and tired, just want to run away and find my peace. I desperately need peace. <P>Adrian

Adrian<P>I see your dilema. Are you in plan A? It sounds like you have been working hard on your marriage. You say you are tired. Do you have other ways of working on yourself so you can feel better? <BR>For example, do you exercise or have hobbies that can give you relief? Do you have a church or organization that can give you support?

Adrian,<P>I haven't seen you here in awhile, and I'm sorry that things are still not resolved. Obviously H still hasn't sorted out his feelings.<P>I'll ask a bunch of dumb questions, because I don't remember everything that has happened in the past.<P>Have you ever tried Harley counselling with H. What about a no-contact letter to OW. Was that ever discussed? I presume even if it was, he isn't into it. Have you ever simply told him that if he didn't stop contact with OW then he'd have to leave? Sounds like counter MB, but this has gone on a long time, because it was somewhat like this not long after I joined MB, right?<P>Know that I'm thinking about you, and I wish it was better for you now than it is. This stuff is just so crazy isn't it.<P>I'll look for another post from you. Hang in there.<P>