Let me say first that I've been in recovery with my husband for over 3 years now, and we're doing wonderfully. I remember when I first asked for advice here at MB (just after I quit my job and severed contact with OM) I felt so horribly alone and confused about what my confession would mean to my husband..how he'd react, would he leave me, what pain he would go thru, if our marriage could withstand it, could we really be stronger than before, or if he would hate me forever..?<P>It's hard to recover when infidelity enters your marriage. To be honest, I get so angry with myself when I think of what I've done to my husband that I have to continually focus on the positive and going forward, because you can REALLY get mired in the muck of guilt, and that's NEVER healthy for two people trying to recover. But I have to say we've been in that 'comfortable, happy, content to be where we are' stage for several years and I think it's important to at least share a little bit of where I've been. <P>I don't think I could have snapped out of where I was (deep in denial...I worked with OM, quit job and started recovery without confessing to husband until 6 months after end of affair...no contact with OM after I left work) unless my husband had stood firm on his convictions. Although he didn't know of my affair, he suspected what was going on for certain. I was staying out late every night, being deceptive and you could say incredibly immature. He was pretty forthright with the fact that our marriage couldn't withstand the way I was acting, going out until the wee hours and hanging with my single friends. That's what got me into trouble. It starts innocently (ha) enough with thinking that you can go to 'happy hour' with your friends, a relationship (friendship) develops that's totally inappropriate..but it happens so slowly that you cannot stop it if you're not looking for it to begin with. It's really insidious and unless you know from experience what can truly happen, you're not on guard (NOT AN EXCUSE). <P>I know this is long, but I read here on occasion and I think it's important to tell you from a (WS's) perspective that Plan A is a wonderful tool to use when you've been neglectful of your spouse, but never to allow the WS to abuse you. It saddens me to see that so many allow the WS to emotionally abuse them, that's not what Dr. Harley had in mind, I'm positive (?)<P>Honestly, I am not trying to say that every effort shouldn't be made to work on the marriage. But Plan A and Lovebusters are not always seen in the same light by the WS and the BS. The BS may see a Lovebuster in being anything but kind and giving, acquiescing to all WS's requests, while the WS would see a LB because the BS is not being totally understanding of the WS's 'need' to be able to be with whomever they want to (how can the BS agree to this?). I don't think you can totally reason with a WS when they're in the midst of an affair...the rules and to be quite honest, the 'Plans' aren't working right then. And before it's mentioned...yes, they will reflect back upon a good Plan A that the BS has implemented, but Plan A doesn't mean that the BS doesn't clearly state what they think is tolerable, i.e. protesting re: WS staying out late with friends, etc. As long as it's done in a non-screaming manner, it will be looked upon later as a voice of reason. <P>I REALLY believe that during the Affair that the BS should be able to exert their opinion (in a calm manner if possible) and NOT be labeled a LB! My husband did this and I actually reflected upon what I was doing and QUIT my job because he got me to thinking that I really was screwing up my life and I needed to reassess what was important to me. <P>I know this is long, but I think that standing up for what you truly believe to be right is the best thing, when done in a calm manner. In looking back to what I did, I know that my husband's voice of reason is what brought me back. Although he did have to face his own demons (which we've dealt with), we both realized in the end what was truly important...each other. IMO, you shouldn't have to compromise your own ideals to pacify the WS...as long as you do it in the correct way. You're only standing up for what's right. <P>God Bless. <p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited July 05, 2001).]

Madelyn<P>Just wanted to thank you for your input.<BR>It's always so helpful to hear from the xWS.

Thank you, and welcome. I hope others will reply, as I am fairly new here. <P>I told my WH the other day (calmly) that I had always worried about him hanging out with his young, single co-workers.... that I was afraid he would enjoy that type of lifestyle and begin thinking that he would forget that he was married, or become attracted to that lifestyle and decide he would rather throw away the marriage and be free and wild like them. He appreciated this thought, and wished that I had told him earlier. He had always thought that I just didn't like THEM. I wonder if it truly would've helped if I had said something months ago, when it bothered me, before something really happened. I explained to him that I never said anything because I trusted him and thought that I was being worried for nothing. hmmmm... things to wonder about. Still though, I can't be responsible for his actions and bad decisions.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Madelyn,<P>Thank you for your post. It is very good to hear an XWS share such wisdom. I totally agree with your advice to BS on what is and is not a love buster while the affair is on going and during Plan A.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Dear Madelyn,<P>I am happy to hear of your recovery. What you have stated is what I have seen in my case and on so many other posts. <P>Plan A vs Plan B is often misunderstood and many stay in plan A at the hurt to themselves and their families. My H was content having the A as long as I was in plan A. He even told OW that he always had his W to go home to. YUCK. <P>That was 1 month after I learned about MB and 2 months from d/d. I went to plan B the next month and don't regret it for 1 moment. Knowing that D could happen, H threatened D a lot. I finally felt strong enough to tell H ok get the D going and then it scared him. What his W is ok with a D? Oh, even OW was scared. She was happy but kept wondering why did I agree to the D? OW told H to watch out for me that I was up to no good. That was the beginning of the end. But no after a lot of rough riding inbetween (preg/miscarraige, etc.)<P>So Madelyn, thank you for your post. I know we needed to hear this advice. <P>L.<BR>

Maezy, thanks. <P>Faith, that's exactly right, you can never be responsible for your husband's choices. It's like saying that he's a child that you didn't direct the right way...first, he's not a child, and how in the world are you supposed to know what he's doing if he didn't come right out and tell you? You're not, it's just a sad commentary about affairs and the poor choices made during them. I'm sorry you've had to go thru that.<p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited July 05, 2001).]

Zorweb, I have to say I love that quote by Shakespeare. <P>Orchid, I'm so sorry for what you've had to go thru. When the WS is in an affair, it's truly a rollercoaster ride for the BS. It sounds as if Plan B is working for you, though. I would have to say that you know after all that's transpired at least you're conscience is clear. I know what it feels like to crash and burn, and (I'm not good with conveying my feelings with words, so bear with me) I felt pretty horrible about being in an affair, and I KNOW anyone who does such thing feels the same. It's a hideously degrading feeling, full of guilt. Your husband will have to deal with these feelings. I'm hoping he chooses the right road in the end.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited July 05, 2001).]