I believe that once my WH finally realizes the reality of our situation and what he has done that he will likely become suicidal. <P>Although I'm not expecting this to happen tommorrow, I want to be aware of his emotional state just in case I can detect something. My H is a conflict avoider and always hides his feelings. He had an extemely rough childhood that he has managed to suppress his problems from. Now he will have to face(someday, I hope) the reality of his A which goes against everything he has tryed to stand for.I also always felt he was borderline to becoming an alcoholic, maybe he actually is an alcoholic, but did binge drinking here and there.Now he seems to drink regularly with his OW.<P>What are the signs that someone is contemplating suicide? Do people who hide their emotions continue to hide them even if they're suicidal?<P>Any of you have WS's who became suicidal or were WS's that felt that way?<P>Any info. is appreciated. Thanks.<P>

I'd be interested in seeing those answers too. I myself have wondered the same thing about my WH. He attempted twice when he was growing up - has seemed fine and secure since then, but I too worry when it finally sinks in what he has done to his marriage, me, his commitment to God, and possibly messed up a lot of relationships in his life (family, friends, etc that he is avoiding).<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Hi Maezy, Faith 1,<P>I share your thoughts and feelings on this one.<P>In between the TWO TIMES that my ws left, returned, and left again,he made a comment to me that "He did not want to end up like a friend of his (ours) who committed suicide".<BR>And I said: are you afraid that you might do it if you leave--or if you stay...and he just looked at me... I don't really know if he knew...<P>Sadly, the friend, a male, did this when his wife divorced him after she began an affair..and she did not marry the affair partner...<P>And I wonder, who is at the most risk for suicide? the ws or the bs. Did I consider it? I did think many times, I want to die...would I have done it? Probably not, because of my 3 children and being a mother...then I knew taht my 3 children would go directly to him...so I am thankful I kept my head on as tight as I could as it is being slowly screwed off by his actions...<P>And if there is ever a chance that I will begin to look like even the bs, or the ex-bs, who he sees as someone who he is so sorry to have done all this to-- and that he wants to try to make it work again, I had to appear stable and strong--even though inside I was not stable and not strong..<P>Yes, I think the bs and the ws can be suidical...if they break and the guilt is too much, who knows what they will do. I just know that, even wiht all my pain and hurt, I want my children to see me the next day and the next day and so on...i could not desert my children in any way...<P>Whether my ws would do it, I hope not..as for my ws, his pendulum swung so far to the left---that I can only speculate what he would do if he finally swung back to the right where he left us...and then realize what he did to us..<P><BR>So, I know that he did and probably has had thoughts of it...<P>My ws is also an abuser of alcohol--he met ow in a bar, in an accident, dwi, jail, emergency rooms, she didn't leave him alone....filed against our auto ins. and she got $25,000 and within two months, Bonnie and Clyde were off...and me and my 3 children were left in the aftermath of the storm...and still are....financial and emotional devastation...and HE IS IN FINANCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION...and I just wonder how is managing to keep afloat...<P>WEll, probably, because he PROJECTS all this on me...<P>So, I am convinced that if stays alive, he will wake up one day in the gutter...and he will finally see taht the ow pulled him down with her...she who has been marr/div 3x and drove him to push for a divorce. And if he is STUPID enough to become her fourth h., he will pay for it in many ways...<P>The books on affair say taht unless the affair dies a natural death/or the op leaves first, then, it is very difficult for ws to sever it...so, I have no hope...for me, now, hoping is too painful...<P>Thinking of you both, and feeling for you...<P>keep in touch, elo

Dear Maezy,<P>Suicide is a hard subject to deal with. My H's older brother committed suicide. He has 2 sisters with bi-polar disorders. 4 of his sisters had often comtemplated suicide. H has spoken of it as well. I discussed this with the suicide hotline. One of the points given to me to look for was when H speaks of suicide as a general statement, I need to be cautious. I need to call when<BR>details (date, time and method) are provided. There have been several attempts with him and his family members. This advice has helped me. <P>In my case, I told his sister and my H that if they were going to commit suicide then it should be for a good cause. There is no good cause. I needed them to think until their sense of reasoning came back. <P>If you have reason for worry, speak to your doctor &/or counselor. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Faith1 and elo<P>I just found some info. in <A HREF="http://WWW.MHSANCTUARY.COM/SUICIDE/SUI2.HTM" TARGET=_blank>WWW.MHSANCTUARY.COM/SUICIDE/SUI2.HTM</A> <P>(sorry I don't know how to make it so you can just click on it)<P>Anyway, it looks like my H is definitely a candidate, as is yours elo and sounds like yours too Faith1.<P>My H has a rifle in our garage. I'm going to go and hide it.

Orchid<P>Do you mean when the person actually tells you when and where they plan to do it? Is that when you should call them?

Maezy, <P>I am not trying to scare you. That is what I was told. Both the police and the hotline. You see, my H threatened suicide when he was in a hotel with OW. During that 'visit' with her, I called (not knowing they were together), my call was to ask H to pick up our son. I found out that H was in a hotel with OW, I then asked H if OW received my e-mail. Hm..... all this while driving on the freeway. It's a wonder there wasn't an accident. H asked OW and she went crazy, yelled at H about her privacy being invaded. She left and H called back to say that his life was over and that he was going to fix it himself. <P>Knowing his family history and his previous comments, I called 911. They contacted H via his cell phone and soon the local police were at the hotel. They kept in contact with me, spoke with H and released him. H was mad, he said how dare I claim he wanted to commit suicide. The police officer and 911 said I did the right thing especially with the history. Then they told me about the general statement vs details. It is not a hard and fast rule but something to consider. I have used that train of thought ever since. <P>I previously had to deal with his younger sister also threatening suicide. <P>Your best bet is to talk to a professional. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid. You don't need to worry about scaring me. I just want to be educated on the subject, just in case.

Maezy,<P>How are you doing today?<P>L.

My ex-H threatened it too, and since I have had some experience with that also (our son tried to hang himself when he was eight years old) I know to NEVER EVER doubt it when someone "threatens" it. So, yes, a watchful eye is definately in order.<P>My ex has guns too, which isn't helpful.<P>I begged him to see a doctor, told him that I took his threats VERY seriously, and would be there for him if he needed me (and yes, although it seems like it wasn't the right thing to say considering we were divorcing, I wanted him to know I still **cared** very much about him).<P>The most important thing to remember is to have those numbers handy, as well as a minister, therapist, and/or close friend -- just in case.<P>Orchid has given you great advice, too. She did the right thing in her situation!!

Maezy,<P>During my H's first A, he was drinking quite a bit (trying to drown his guilt). He told me he started to really think about us and the possibilities of recovering. He told me because there were so many transgressions and lies that he felt it wouldn't be possible to recover, and during those times he would walk the Narrow's Bridge with intent to jump off. (The Puget Sound Narrows is a somewhat smaller version of the Golden Gate bridge).<P>I think his fog was lifting when he had thoughts of suicide, and I believe the guilt that takes the fog's place is very painful. <P>My H said terrible and did terrible things during his fog, and only half of it he "says" he remembers. Memory of convenience ... ughhhh<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 05, 2001).]

Thanks for your responces.<P>I have not had any contact with WS since Tues. when I saw him briefly as he stopped in to do his paperwork. I had to leave to an appt. so only saw him for a few minutes. He looked very frazzled, or like he'd been on a weekend bender(long week-end here in Canada).<P>I usually call him once every day or two but I just didn't feel like it this week.<P>I imagine he'll be out tomorrow as he'll need to catch up on his books again. If I see him(he always drops in unannounced but I am always pleasant), I'll take a close look at him and ask how he's doing, just to feel him out. I usually only get "fine". But I'll try. I do believe he will become suicidal but I have no idea when. Could be in 2 weeks maybe 2 years.???<P>I have also told my H that I am here for him if he ever wants to talk.<P>My WH already forgets that he said alot of awful stuff to me and he's still in fog-just doesn't say awful stuff anymore.<P>Your stories and suggestions have been a great help. Thanks again.

MAEZY, My H is already suicidal. I haven't had contact for a month because of a temporary restraining order. On Tuesday it was made permanent and I was shocked by his appearance. He was puffy and bloated from drinking. He's an alcoholic/addict who had been sober almost 10 years and then started drinking and having affair (I'm not sure in which order).<P>He told my son this week that he plans to drink himself to death to fulfill his fantasy based on the movie "Leaving Las Vegas." I lived through 8 years of drugs and alcohol prior to his sobriety and he was never suicidal then. My SIL and I were ready to try to rescue him, but I called my Al-Anon sponsor instead and she called her counselor.<P>I think the possibility is very real, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. Fortunately my H's method, though lethal, will take him awhile and I can only hope and pray that something will wake him up. That something at this point may be a trip to the emergency room with alcohol related problems.<P>Although talking about suicide should always be taken seriously, it also is a cry for help for someone to stop them. When someone has made up their mind, they don't usually talk about it. Then you should watch for things like giving away valuables and other "final" arrangements.

LetSTry<P>My H just stopped by again this morning, very briefly.<P>He looks much better today. He is clean and appears upbeat. His (our) business is doing well, keeping him very busy, it's all he'll talk about, basically. <P>I feel very angry towards him today. Time for plan B soon.<P>I tryed not to LB, I just asked him if he felt like it was my business too and he said, Well, I'm the one who built it up. Then I said, "I'm not going to argue with you about it I was just wondering if you still feel like I'm part of the business at all." He said, "You always have been."and walked out the door.<BR>He said he's going to try to make it out again this afternoon.<P>I will be in plan B soon. I want to make it a good time while plan A lasts. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Maezy:<P>Continue your Plan A wholeheartedly. Knowing that Plan B is looming may, at some level, be reflecting in your interactions with your WS; vibes he most certainly will detect if they are there, and the confusing signal may induce more fog on his part.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks STL.<BR>I must remain calm, I must remain calm, I must remain calm.

A good chant! <smile><P>Godspeed,<BR>STL