Last night was a tough one. We were at a 4th celebration, and the OW's husband came to join our group. (They have been almost part of the extended family for many years, and he doesn't know yet - I debated about telling him, but decided that I needed to take the high road, so he's never found out). This was the first time I've been in his presence - at least we've missed them the few times they've come for dinner, etc.... thank God!! Well, I just about started to have a panic attack, thinking the OW was with him. Fortunately, she did not come, but it was bad enough. It is such a surreal experience to have to be subjected to this... He's making light banter about my husband, and all I can say to myself is a little prayer to get through the evening, and "if you only knew, sir..." <P>When we got back home, I pretty much exploded to my husband, sorry to say. I told him that I was incredibly uncomfortable, (which he reports that he was also) that I would probably in the end be the winner of taking the high road, but losing the marriage, because "they" would never be completely out of our lives. I was also pretty harsh, because he rebuffed me trying to be cozy with him in front of a couple of the relatives earlier in the day. <P>After I cooled off, I told them I had read "His Needs, Her Needs", the day before, and that it was imperative for him to do so also. I told him not to take his usual 3-4 months to skim through it, that he needed to sit down and read the book.... I'll have to say (and I'm not getting commission", with the exception of a couple of minor details, and the fact that Harley doesn't talk too much of a spiritual connection in the book which I think is major, this is an outstanding book, and described me (the woman's side) very well. I told him that I could never replace some of the things that the OW brought to him if he wouldn't acknowledge some of my love and attempts made. To my surprise, he asked for the book, which of course is a positive. <P>My situation with the OW's husband not knowing and they're being a "part" of the extended family is extremely stressful. My H's been very nice today, but I'm pretty emotionally spent at this point. I feel so hopeless, though I know that we actually made some progress in a few areas after I came down from my rage. Now what?<BR>

Striving:<P>Let him read the book and see where it goes. Have you read <I>Surviving an Affair</I> as well? If not, read that while he is reading HNHN ... then see if he will read SAA as well.<P>One day at a time, one step at a time. This is not a sprint; it is a marathon ... your goal is to outlast the OW and provide, in the long run, what she cannot. That, in addition to providing for your emotional well-being, is what Plan A is all about.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks for the reply. I've read two other books dealing exclusively with affairs, After the Affair, and Infidelity, A Survivor's Guide... which were very good. Surviving An Affair, was sold out the other day at the bookstore. I just don't see how I can put the memory of the OW out of my mind when we will continue to see them, and several of the extended family don't know what's happened. I don't want to be in their presence! But you're right, I'm trying to straighten this out fast, and it is really a marathon with lots of strategy.... I just had a relapse last night, and really regret it.

Striving:<P>That is what this site is for: do your relapsing, venting and exploring of possibilities here.<P>Take what you will of the responses and what you learn from "Concepts" here, HNHN and SAA to build the strategy that works in your particular circumstance. SAA is a roadmap for marital recovery; your precise itinerary is up to you. (By the way, you can order SAA on this site using the Bookstore link at the top of the page.)<P>The race, in this case, does not go to the swift. Like the tortoise, plot your course and plod along to its fulfillment.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Striving - I'll be blunt. In addition to what STL says, tell the OW's husband.<P>This question gets debated a lot on this forum and there is rarely consensus.<P>Just consider this question: If the roles were reversed, would you like to know what was going on?<P>I think taking the high road means you HAVE to tell him. By not doing so, you're being dishonest with him and aiding your H and OW.<P>Yep, if you squeal, your H will be totally PO'd at you. But, at the moment, you're contributing to maintenance of the big secret. Make him pay the toll for playing the role.<P>This is one of the very few things that a BS can do directly to hasten the end of an affair.<P>Listen to competing arguments before you act.<P>WAT