A GoodGuy - it is interesting that Steve Harley advised you to tell in fairness to all. I wonder why there is such a difference in opinions. I would rather do Steves quest than what I was told. I guess I am doing in out of revenge and fairness to her husband. I have to admit I do not like the OW at all. And my dislike has increased with her ability to keep my husbands affair with her a secret from her husband. Her husband should know that his wife is messing around (this is her 2nd affair). Maybe she is afraid of what her husband will do because of the previous affair. Maybe she is scared what all her friends and family will say. I don't know why she thinks just forgetting about it will make every thing better. I could not live with myself under those conditions. I could not face life every day and know that this deep secret is hidden in my mind. Also, the honesty to her husband is not there. How in the world does she think she will regain her marriage if the honesty is not there? I think she is not quite mentally there, or there is something seriously wrong with her. My husband says she is a fine person, yes maybe, but I think there are some screws that need to be tightened. <P>The Lord knows what she has done, she professes to be a christian. She must have that guilt on her mind all the time. She is a grandmother to 2 little girls, how does she think she is going to protect these little girls from a grandmother that is dishonest and disloyal. She has to know that the truth will come out sooner or later. I would rather get it out on my own will then to have to say, yes I had an affair and I am sorry that I didn't tell you. Having it told to her husband by someone else will just put more angst on her husband.

Hello everyone,<P>I am indebted to the OW H, because he is the one who told me. My H had been carrying on an EA at the time (so I thought)and denied, denied denied constantly that it was a PA, that I was crazy for suspecting, ruining his life, etc. My H also said that he would have never told me, either. Knowing that I was correct has restored some of my sanity and self esteem. So, yes i think that the OP's spouse has a right to know.

Ok, WAT and I usually think a lot alike, but in this case we disagree.<P>First I'll say that I do think that there are exceptions, but as a general rule, I do believe it is the OP's responsibility to tell their spouse. Not that these people are usually of such a character as to do it, but it is still their responsibility.<P>Secondly, I am very trained to keeping confidential information, and I've learned over the years that breaking confidences always results in the destruction of the credibility of the person who squeals.<P>If the affair was basically public knowledge and the only poor person that didn't know about it was the OP wife, I would tell. No doubt in my mind. But when the whole thing has remained quiet, I don't think it is my place to go and tell the other person's spouse because A) I would be doing something that person's spouse should do (he and his marriage are not my responsibility) B) It would, in the mind of the "lovers" simply prove to them that I am a mean vindictive [censored], just like my WS has been saying. (Not to mention the fact that such a motive WOULD be in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to keep it out). C) I also think it would unwittingly help the OP deflect his own culpability and blame me for his own troubles, giving him more ammunition to alienate my WS from me.<P>Ok, not the most solid argument I've ever made, but one that does make sense to me. I should also add that in my particular case, I believe that my OP is capable of violence, and although I'd like nothing better than to go one on one with him, with my luck, he'd either shoot me, or somehow I'd be the one to end up in jail <P>Ish

My D-day was April 25. I snooped in his email accounts. The first call I made was to my husband's mom. The second call was to OW's H. I didn't have MB at that time to guide me, but even today I still think I would have called him...especially since I knew him.<P>But, overall, I think it is an individual choice...<P>Cali

<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

sad-n-lonely,<BR>I am thrilled to hear my very own sentiments expressed on this topic of telling the OP's spouse. My H committed 14 acts of adultery beginning 13 years ago. If only one of those people had told me, oh how might my life had been different! We have one more h to tell and are waiting until we move to do so. I can't protect my H from his mistakes and do to someone else what has been done to me. This man needs to know the truth about his marriage. The only exception, I can think of is in the case where OP is psychotic and may hurt the BS.

And, God, knowing d*** good and well that Able lay in a bloody heap on the ground, the victim of his brother's jeolosy, said to Cain, "Where is Able, your brother?" And Cain responded, "How the heck should I know? I am not responsible for my brother." But the fact was, he was.<P>After rereading this thread those of you arguing that telling the OP's spouse is the right thing to do are changing my mind. I'm not totally there yet, but there were at least 2 people who had strong suspicions of my W's affair before I discovered it. Would I have wanted them to tell me? Yeah, no doubt. It might have even stopped it before it became physical. And then, I can't get that simple, yet stunningly profound ultimate guide to human behavior out of my mind, treat others as you would have them treat you.<P>I thank you for your instruction, and I believe that you are right - the general rule should be to inform the OP's spouse. My previous arguments seem pathetic when I think of it this way.<P>Thank you again.<P>Ish<p>[This message has been edited by Ishmael (edited July 17, 2001).]

I've been bouncing in and out of this board for about 2 years and this question pops up fairly regularly. The real problem with telling the OP's spouse is you can only be sure that 1 of the 4 parties involved has any bit of nobility about the truth. That would be you the BS struggling with the decision. In most of these cases that I've read about, you the BS have no idea what the other BS is all about or who they are. I think for those of us who choose to contact the OPs spouse, we should really learn to manage our expectations of what reveling that information will do or gain. <P>My experience is that it is a huge LB and stress generator no matter what your WS has said or agreed to. <P>As much as it might seem like a good idea, odds are the OP will concoct a story to cover their own a$$. We're not talking about folks who consider honesty a cherished virtue here. Try this tale that the OP might spin. It was written from a past post of mine where someone wanted to give the OP a time limed ultimatum to disclose their deeds to their spouse.<P>***************<BR>Dear wife, I know this woman from xxxxxx and she has a lot of problems in her marriage. She once told me that her husband is a _________________ (pick one or more: Drug user, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, sexual predator, suicidal). A few weeks ago she said that her husband was crazy jealous thinking she was having an affair. I really was just trying to be nice by listening but not get involved, but yesterday this lunatic called me and threatened me thinking I was sleeping with his wife. He said he was going to contract you if I didn’t break it off. There's nothing to break off so I don’t think anything we could do anything to make him go away. I'm really worried about you, who knows what this guy could do. Has he tried to harass you? I don’t know what we should do other than maybe get a restraining order or have the police talk to him. I can’t believe that this is happening to us, I was just being nice to someone who seemed like the needed someone to talk to.<BR>*************<BR>If she doesn't know anything then whom will she believe? The person she has trusted her life with or the drug using, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, suicidal, sexual predator that just called her. <P>If you feel she must know then do it directly. But even then expect that a similar tale will be told.<P>I'm telling you this from experience because I was made out to be an alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy husband after the fact. What's even more amazing is the OMs wife told me that this was the OMs second affair that she knew of and I sent her emails that I found on the wife's computer. Hard core evidence. <P>The OM did eventually come clean about the 1st 6 months of the affair. (the point I contacted his wife). Amazingly enough blamed me for causing it because he was just trying to be the night in shining armor to help a friend and got too close. Then he continued to carry on with my wife for at least another 6 months, claiming to be a better man and had learned his lesson. <P>I've often contemplated letting OP wife know about the latter six months, but what would I be accomplishing? So the best I can tell you is this is a high risk/low success maneuver. Might even drive your spouce farther away. You know they seem to get real upset about the concept that we are meddling in their private life and all.<BR>

up at request of gdc

Thanks WAT,<P>I feel as though I have to give my take on it. And that is each situation is dependent. In mine, my W said was was controlling and by me telling the OM W now would be considered controlling in her mind. Steve H. gave me the advice not to tell. Now, in hindsight, I proabably and wish now that I would have told OM's W back when I first found out and hired a lawyer and all. I mean while I was LB'ing I shoulda, coulda, woulda got my money's worth. That would have been ideal. But we all can't live in that 20-20 world and we have to live in today. With all that has passed and in my Plan A that I have discussed with Steve, I can't tell right now.<P>GC

GC - that seems like a reasoned conclusion. I would have done a few things different in hindsight, as well - I imagine we all would.<P>Someone in this thread above postulated - maybe at Steve's suggestion - that IF the OP's spouse doesn't know at the Plan B decision, then that's another opportunity to tell to minimize the LB.<P>WAT

In my opinion, do it, but do it anonymously or have a close friend do it. Drop a letter in the mail or just call to plant the seed. Don't give any info that can be traced back to you. Just enough to get the OP's spouse curious. Something like "check your H's cell phone bill" or "ask your W who Jerry from work is". Let them do their own snooping. <P>Odds are that no matter how cautious a WS is, they have either confided in someone about the A or slipped up. Giving the OP's spouse a "nudge" may help them see the signs they weren't seeing or were oblivious to.<P>sad dad

I would mostly agree that if the information was coming from a close friend then it might be justified. I did have 2 very close friends who asked me if I believed something was going on with my WS. Although it was after I already knew, I thanked them for their concern because they were trying to protect me in the only way thought they could. <P>I believe that comparing the information coming from a close friend as opposed to the other BS is like comparing apples to oranges. The only thing they have in common is that they are round and hang from trees. If the person you would like to inform of their spouse's affair is not someone who you would call a close and personal friend, then the odds of your contact being viewed as a means to protect them is slim at best.<P>My view of the MB principals is that WS are not really running to someone (OP), They are running away from someone (us) and the only way we can truly change that behavior is by changing ourselves (Plan A). Because changing the dynamics of the OP's marriage will not change your WS thinking about you, even if your involvement goes undetected. <P>Yes, it will stir the pot and maybe just possibly cause a slight hiccup in the affair. Unfortunately you have no idea how the other BS might react, you can not possibly think that they are instantly going to start to Plan A their spouse. That’s the road less traveled by our societies standards. Odds are that the other BS will either kick them out or demand that the affair end and believe it or not, the latter is the worst for you as a BS. If you have not made your marriage a safe haven for your spouse to return then the latter of the last two options will likely only strengthen the bonds of the affair. Think about it, that's the stuff that all the timeless love stories are based upon "the love that can never be… but can not be denied"<P>Nowhere in the MB Plan A doctrine does it say to start meddling in your spouses private life. Try to think about it in terms of pre-marriage dating and courting days. How did you go about winning over a mate? What does it look like to a potential mate when a pursuer tries to win them over by becoming involved in their relationship with other potential pursuers? Looks manipulative and controlling. The best way to win someone over was to put your best foot forward and let him or her see the qualities that make you the "ONE". Anything less has little chance of surviving.<P>What makes this concept so hard for BS's to swallow is we mostly have forgotten this mindset as time goes on and our marriages have become complacent. We've forgotten that we need to give our spouses a reason to want to be at home every time we see them. In other words we are in shock because we expect them to always be there no matter what we do or how we act and that shock is just another way of understand how much we have been taking them or granted.<P>So think long and hard at what you hope to accomplish by telling the other BS. Adding heat and pressure to a volatile mixture only increases the chance of ignition. <P><BR>

wellllllllllllllllllllll, my .02<P>My sister hinted at not allowing me and OM alone. When i look bakc at it......damn it was obvious. I am quite the [censored], she was my friend and the OM was her husband. so anyway, right after the EA wne PA, i was sooooo upset with myself that i allowed it to go that far i called my sis again (not knowing she had already put a bug in OM wife ear, (some sis) and told her what happened and the next thing i know, she is called my H to find out what he thinks, she calls her H to find out what is happening...OM calls me and we make up a story. (liarssssssssss)<P>soooooo, the next evening she calls me crying, i told her part of the story and she now ofcourse HATES me, she left OM wich then left the doors wide open for more Affair crap.<P>i will say it made us call it quits for about 9 months after she found out.<P>id say YES tell....because if all know......then it will quit sooner.<P>mercy

HI, I apprecaite your insight and it makes sense to me not to tell. It might make the affair end but it would me a huge LB<P>GC

I was informed by the OW's H. Best thing that ever happened to me. <p>Why? Because my H had already told me he wanted a divorce, absolutely destroyed my self-esteem in the process (he wasn't happy and it was my fault), had got me to agree (verbally) to pay half of his credit cards and split two loans with me. All were in his name, not mine. I would've kissed his butt forever to get him back.<p>Once I knew about the affair, all bets and agreements were off. I got everything I wanted, and only had to pay one credit card. <p>Trust me, you'll never know if you're doing the OP's spouse a favor or not, but they do deserve to know the truth. <p>Personally, I thank God everyday for the OP's spouse. He literally saved my sanity, my self-esteem and my financial and personal future.

Oh this is a good one.<p>I informed the OM's wife last week. I went against the recommendation of my psychologist against the wishes of my WW but I followed my instict which has always been true to me.<p>First off, I am not advocating that there is a definite answer to this question. I truly believe that it depends on the individual and the circumstances surrounding their particular situation. I will say that I am absolutely positive that I did the right thing.<p>When I spoke to the OM's wife I felt extremely nervous because I knew what kind of pain this could cause if she was not aware. Well it turns out that she was not aware, despite the fact that the OM told my W that he had already told his W (gotta love it..the WS's are even lieing to each other). <p>It also turns out that this is a pattern for the OM. He has done this in the past (this was also something I would have bet big money on). She then told me that it was even harder to hear it the second time. I told her how sorry I was for her and her children. She said she would much rather know than be in the dark with just a suspiscion.<p>This was something that I did with full knowledge of the potential consequences, but at the time I was literally at the end of my rope. The lies and deception would have to come to an end on both sides and that was the one thing I had control over.<p>My choice.....make the call.
What should you do???
That's up to you......<p>WW4L

^

Well, I saw someone bumped this thread back up to the top, so I thought I would offer a few comments, coming from the opposite p.o.v... hopefully, it is welcome here... I am still lurking on MB as a refugee from TOW until our site is back up, so here goes:

I was married when my affair began many years ago. When my ex-husband finally discovered what was going on, I moved out for a sort of "trial separation," if you will... & if I were asked to point to one single reason that the separation ultimately becoming permanent, one single event that led to the eventual demise of the marriage itself, it was who & how my ex-husband chose to tell afterward. I never was able to get past the anger I felt at him for that.

My parents... my bosses... & my friend's wife. It was probably on CNN, for heaven's sake.

If my ex hadn't done those things... I don't know... it wasn't a terrific marriage anyway & he was by no means a saint, but I never could look at him the same way again (although I'm sure the feeling was mutual), simply because I felt he should not have taken that prerogative away from me, at least not as it concerned *my* friends & *my* family & *my* coworkers.

Yes, part of it was because of my feelings for my friend, & my not wanting to put him in a tough position with his wife. So I think there is a lot of validity to the concern I read here that it might "turn them against you," so to speak, especially if they are still very emotionally involved in the affair.

But more than that, I am a very private person, & I would have resented my ex making that decision for me under any circumstances. I know very few (if any) of you will consider this a fair comparison, but he had done plenty of his own unpleasant things throughout our marriage, which I chose to never repeat to anyone out of respect for him -- because I did not want people to view him badly, no matter whether there was truth to it or not. I felt it was his behavior, his actions, & therefore, his decision. And I felt he should have given me the same courtesy.

Right or wrong, I think a lot of us feel that way, so maybe keep that in mind. My guess is that my ex hoped it would shame me into returning to the marriage... that sufficient "peer pressure," if you will, would make me see the error of my ways. In his case, however, I would say it backfired.

So that was me. I can understand the belief many of you have that *not* exposing the affair is in some way a silent complicity *in* it... but for me, his telling those people was such a "LB" (if I understand the term correctly) that I resent nothing about our marriage to this day, except that.

My experience, whatever that is worth! Not intending to offend, I just thought the way your spouses might view this issue could be helpful to someone.

SmallCap

I received an anonymous letter in the mail. I was grateful, shocked but grateful.

Funny thing about it--WH thought the OW might have sent it. I don't think so--I believe it was someone who was concerned about WH and trying to be a good friend to him.

I'll probably never discover for sure who sent me that letter, but I am still grateful to whoever it was.