<BR>I feel so confused, lost, empty and hurt. I know most of you do not like what I have said so far on this board but I don’t know what else to do. My relationship with W is just not improving, I just don’t want to be with her in any H & W capacity. I find it very uncomfortable almost forced to show any sort of intimacy and affection to her. I think I might still have deep feelings for xGF. I still care about her and though not as frequent as before I wonder how she is, if she is going out with other men, if she is happy. I wish for her happiness but it breaks my heart to think that I can’t be the one to share it. <P>What’s worst is, and I think I have mentioned this before is that W wants me ask for a job transfer back to where xGF lives. She is determined that a new country, new place, new her, new experience together will help us build a fresh start. I have tried to explain to her that for our M to even have a chance to work, we’d be better off here, where there is a lot of support on her side and my side, family, culture, living and everything. Adapting a whole family to a new place will only add unnecessary pressure. <P>In the 2 years I was there my life was different, my friends, the places I go to. If I return I won’t be able to go back to that sort of life and I am going to resent it and want it. I lived alone for 2 years, I was happy and I was free. Not to mention, it will make me feel worst that ever as that I had so many memories there with xGF. With the way I am feeling now and knowing that she’s only 15 minutes away would kill me. What if I bump into her? Honestly I am not sure what I really want. And perhaps deep down I do want to return there. <P>She thinks the risk is worth taking, we will either make it or break it. I think it will only be a catalyst to an end result which you and I know what is. I think its crazy to do this but W is so very adamant. She even wants to sell all our properties here and move there. No way, its her way of tying herself to me. But if this is what she wants, we’ll go for it. I think I am crazy for doing this, I think I am crazy to be in this marriage and once again the ones that’ll suffer the most will be my children. Do you think its right to do this? Do you think she has a valid point? <P>Thank you<P>

It doesn't sound to me like you guys have enthusiastic agreement going on in this decision.<P>Perhaps you should let your wife read what you just wrote here. Your concerns are valid. Why does she want to release you into a mine field of temptation like that????<P>I'm sorry that you don't love your wife. I have not read all of your story nor posts, but have you told your wife that you don't love her? Perhaps that is what she needs to hear--the open and honest truth from you?

I have told her that on a number of occasions before and I am sure she can tell from the way I interact. Of course she tells me she doesn’t believe it to be true or even if its true I will soon fall back in love with her once we start at the new place. I too am sorry that I don’t feel for her in that way and feel guilty for not being able to feel that way.

And yes I have expressed to her my concerns about moving back there but she thinks as long as she is there it won’t be like before. I suppose she has absolutely no idea just how much I felt for xGF. It is something that she thinks is better off not brought up. She feels she was partly to blame for the way our M turned out, why I separated, so to her the relationship I had is untrue- null. That’s her way of looking at it.

How long are you in recovery?

You and your wife need to get on the same page, on a "plan" for rebuilding your marriage. It sounds pretty pedesterian to have to work on a plan to get to an emotional state, but it does work.<P>Please make a counseling appointment with Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers (888-639-1639). Beleive it or not, with both of you effectively working on recreating love, you could be on to a great marriage and inlove with each other again. Oh, and either one of them will tell your wife that moving back to where ex-GF is is a really, really bad idea.<P>Good luck.<P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited July 10, 2001).]

I too think moving would be a bad idea. If you are really trying to work on your marriage you certainly do not need your xgf close by nor do you need the memory triggers. If you moved and you decided that you could not continue in your marriage it would be much more painful for all of you if you separated. How does your wife insisting that you'll love her some day make you feel? For some it makes them admire their spouse for their dedication and strength, for others it causes them to loose respect for that person because they are willing to live in a loveless marriage for fear of being alone. I think how you answer that question has a large impact on if your marriage will make it or not.