I've lived with this man for 25 years. We did so much together as a couple even when he was having his A. We could always talk for hours about everything under the sun, except for feelings because both of us were conflict avoiders. He was my best friend for 28 years. My confidant. Yesterday, when he walked out, I think a part of me must have went with him.<P>Last night I fell asleep finally after hours of crying. This morning when I woke, I was disoriented about the turn of events or blocked them out because I instintively reached for him. When I didn't see him, I looked at the clock. It read 5 A.M. This is the time H usually is up and about in the bathroom or feeding the pets and so I sat listening to hear which room he was in. Then it registered that H didn't live here anymore. The tears seemed endless.<P>I know these first few days will probably be the hardest. I dread the nights, maybe I'll just study the nights away. Does this get easier with time, and if so how much time?

[[[[[[[[[[Aries55]]]]]]]]]],<P>I am sorry you have to go through this...yes, time will help, but so will you doing things to move forward...<P>I know today is too soon to think about moving forward,<BR>but you will....<P>Cali

J - you know you are not alone from us. We will survive and thrive.<P>Dave (WAT)

My h. left me twice a few years ago. You know what I did to help. I put on music when I went to sleep and all day I would think the most happy thoughts I could. Go to a movie with some friends. Do something for yourself. Now is the time to work on your self improvement. It will be ok-I promise. It may not turn out the way you expect, but it will be ok if you let it.

Dear Aries,<P>I know how you feel. Man for as bad as we have been treated and yet we miss them? What part of hurt are we not getting? <P>Reality is that no matter what our mind knows our hearts still hurt. You can cry, it's alright. Go ahead. You can even share my box of tissues. I am crying now and H is in jail. Go figure, one of the mildest men and look where he has taken himself. No one day by 2 1/2 days in jail. Hm..... So angry, he doesn't even know himself. <P>Why do we love them? I can't really explain, but we do. He is our chidlren's father and our Hs. Would we let anyone else do this to us? NO!!! Yet, the only one in the entire world that could hurt us, found us and hit our achiles heel. But we are not wounded for life. We still have our diginity and respect. Would you give that up to be like your H? No. Not me. <P>We (WSs) need support to remember these and other strong words. Please all the rest of you out there. Keep reminding us. We can often help others but that doesn't mean that we don't need help ourselves. <P>Aries, come on over and we will share our tears, fears and pain together. <P>Take Care, I know how you are feeling. <BR>L.<BR>

Thanks, everyone for your support. I think the last time I cried this much was the first d-day. Everything seems to set it off. I had tried so very hard to hold this family together. It doesn't matter what age the kids are, they still hurt. My 20 yr. old son is hurting just as bad as the 13 yr. old. I'm sure he's counting the days till he goes back to Iowa State so he doesn't have to see mom cry.<P>The 13 yr. old turns 14 on July 20 (yes, the 21st of last year was the day dad came home with his major announcement). Great b-day present, don't you think? Anyway, we've always made it a family day and the birthday person gets to choice the restaurant and everyone must go, whether you like Chuckie Cheese or not. He asked me today, "What are we going to do about my birthday since we're not a family anymore" More tears, buckets in fact. I explained that his brother and I would still be there to help him celebrate, but please no Chuckie Cheese!!!" This got him to laugh anyway. <P>Don't our WS realize the hurt and devastation they are creating by the wake of their thoughtlessnes!!! I hurt so bad, and yet I'm so incredibly sad and lonely.<P>Thanks for listening everyone.

Hi Aries,<P>Here is a post I like to share with all who are going through their roughest times yet. It is called the 5 stages of grieving, but there is more info there. <P>It really helped me see how I could break up my actual grieving process into something I could handle and visualize where I was going with my feelings. <P>Here it is: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I hope it helps. <BR>L.<P>

Aries,<BR> <BR>If there is one bit of advice I can give you, having been in a very similar situation after 30 yrs of marriage, it would be to keep busy. MAKE yourself get up and do something constructive even though it's the last thing you want to do. <P>The first project is YOU. Do something nice for YOU. Get a new hairstyle, a manicure, a pedicure, a new outfit, a new exercise program. Feel better about yourself and know that YOU are important.<P>Second project is at home. Get creative. New curtains, paint, rearrange furniture. Make it YOURS. Different in some way.<P>These projects are twofold,,for two reasons. One -to make you feel better about yourself and your new living arrangements. Two- to let him know you are not sitting around mourning him and you WILL survive. <P>He will notice the changes. He will be suprised at your aggressive actions. AND you will begin to feel better.<P>Oh,,and one more thing. Reassure your son that you are STILL a family. With dad or without him,,the FAMILY still exists. Because Dad no longer lives at home doesn't mean there is no more family. <P>Good luck to you.

Hi Aries, <BR>I know exactly what you're going through. There are days when I feel as though I can't do this any longer, I don't want to it's too hard. I've also come to realize that if there is one thing the good lord has blessed me with it's an abundance of tears. There are days when I even surprise myself at how much I can cry. Trust me it does get better. It has taken me 4mos. to realize that I cannot allow this to just be about my H. This has made me look deep inside myself and I have come to realize that yes, I do have faults and I wasn't always the perfect W, but there is absolutely no way that I will take responsibility for his actions and what he is doing. Take this time to learn about yourself. You will definitely find that there is alot of support here to help you through the hard times. Good luck to you,<BR>Cybil

Hello Aries,<P>I hope you are feeling a little (if not a lot) better since your initial posting. I know that many have posted comments and suggestions here and you will take what you feel is appropriate, or what you want, and take note of the rest. I live by many concepts in life and some of them have truly helped me through rough times, rough people and rough situations. I hope that this will give you some insight or perhaps a new outlook on what you are going through right now, and I hope you will take this in as it could change your life as it did mine...<BR>Everything in life happens for a reason..and What's meant to be will be. If your husband felt the same way you did, he would have not left, obviously. This was a one sided relationship and should be looked at much more closer. You indicated in your posting that you avoided conflict. This is something that may have exascurbated an already volatile situation. When you put something under a rug it will always remain there until you deal with it, if it is not dealt with, it will eventually get rotten and moldy. There perhaps was something that you were not dealing with that became rotten inside of him and thus, causing him to find someone else. Learn what that was, this will only help you in the long run to have a healthy and more meaningful relationship in the future. Avoiding conflict is not healthy for anyone, it hoards anger and resentment. When you deal with conflict, you get it out of your system and you can move forward, in any relationship. You seem pretty dependent on your H for happiness and security. Please know that if you cannot be happy with yourself, it would be difficult to be happy with anyone else. You need to educate yourself on yourself, perhaps see a therapist and spill the beans. Talk about your relationship openly and honestly, even the intimate sexual details. They would be able to dwell deeper as here we are unable to do that to the extent you seem to need. On a closing note, remember that not only do things happen for a reason, but for the best. Have faith that this is a blessing in disguise. Just think about how your self esteem must have been diminished due to him having an affair, think about how you felt inside, perhaps a bit angry or bitter? Why would you want to continue to feel that way? Believe me, when all is said and done, you will start to wonder why you were so dependent on this one person for your happiness. Focus your life on you and your children. Men love women that are independent and does not rely on them for everything, they like challenges. Once he sees you bounce back on your feet, he will wonder if he made a mistake, but if he sees you falling apart, he will leave skidmarks. I hope this helps you, and feel free to email me with any comments. May God bless you and show you how wonderful life is...Sincerely, FLgal

Good morning,all.<P>Today is another day. I made it through two nights and I survived. Guess I knew I would, I'm a survivor at heart.<P>I read FLgal's post and she got me thinking. I was dependent on my H for happiness support(emotional and financial). And I think it was the way he wanted me so I conformed. A long time ago, people would use the words bold, sassy, brash, independent to describe me but H needed someone to take care of, someone who needed him so he could feel important so I became what he needed because as a very young girl I thought that love meant pleasing the other person no matter what. When we saw a marriage counselor, this was his chief complaint about me, that over the last several years I just took over. And I did. He was so busy with his career and his own needs that when I saw the needs of the house and the kids being neglected I just took control. I stopped asking him to contribute to the needs of the family because it only fell on deaf ears. I maintained the house(inside and out) completely on my own. I was the one the kids came to with problems because they knew I'd listen. He'd told the counselor and me that he didn't feel needed anymore by me. I unfortunately, started to revert back to being that needy wife again in order to appease his needs. And yes, old habits die hard. A part of me wants so much to lean on him and say "make it better" but I know I can't. For more than half my live I've leaned on this man and now I need to search for the young girl who was going to conquer the world and trampled on anyone who got in her way. I told you she was brash and bold! I know she's still there somewhere. I just need to coax her out.<P>I will survive, I know this. I will be strong for my kids because they need me to be. I know this resolve will at times begin to crumble but I need to remind myself to be like "The Little Engine That Could"; I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. There will come a day when I can say, <BR>"I knew I could, I knew I could, I knew I could."<P>I've got to go for now; I've got a midterm in "Concepts of Nursing" tomorrow to study for. At 46, I've finally gotten the nerve and the courage to pursue my dream of Nursing and I'm letting no one and nothing stand in my way.<P>When my stress levels reach their max, I tend to backslide to the old me, so I will probably be back again looking for encouragement and support. Thanks, FLgal. I needed your words that made me look deep inside myself.

Dear Aries,<P>WOW! You sound like a different person! I am so proud of you for finding the strength (you knew you had all along)inside and taking charge of your life. I hope you continue to revert back to those words you wrote whenever times get you down, or you feel lonely. Nevertheless, you always have here whenever you want to vent and I will look forward to hearing updates on you. On another note, I am going through some times myself, as you probably have read...got any suggestions? I would love to hear your perspective Nurse Aries <BR>Sincerely, FLgal