8 hours ago, my wife packed up and left for her mother's house to initiate Plan B. She couldn't promise me that she wouldn't still contact the OM and we both decided it would be best if she left and stayed with her mother until she felt like she could truly give our marriage an honest shot.<P>I am in SO much pain. I sway between feeling completely numb and rolling around the bed, screaming and crying. I miss her SO bad already and want her to come home. I just don't have the strength to do this =( I am a mess.<P>But I managed to schedule an appointment for *tonight* to see a therapist. She is staying late, just because she said I sounded like I needed it on the phone. I am not sure what to expect. All I know is I want her back SO badly =**(<P>I know I am not really following Dr Harley's PlanA/PlanB, but I am doing the best I know to do. I am alone in my house with no one to call and no where to turn. <P>Pray for me

You and yours are in my prayers. Let us know how the counseling goes. Best of luck, GodlyMan.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

GodlyMan,<P>I know the feelings you are describing. I've been wrestling with them myself all day. My H said same thing, that he couldn't promise not to stike up a personal conversation with OW. My situation is a little different in that they work very closely together (See my post "I'm so lonely I could cry")In fact he had repeatedly.<P>They hurt us so and yet we miss them terribly. I know you feel you are alone, but we have friends here who listen and understand our pain.<P>My thoughts are with you.<P>Aries55

OK. Here's my 3rd try to reply. I had to go back and re-read your other thread to see what's been happenin'.<P>Please let us know how you are doing - i'm assuming after your counseling?<P>I believe you did the right thing - so first, try to remain calm and stand firm that you have moved to Plan B - if that's really what you did. Did you write a letter? If not, you are still in A, and may want to rethink it one more time. It's possible to Plan A while separated, and is actually a little easier. And it's possible to Plan A when you dont' talk much either - if WS is pulling away from you and wanting their freedom - you can still Plan A.<P>What has really helped me is praying a lot - go to the prayer request forum - not a lot of traffic - but there are some wonderful prayers on there. Also, giving my "prodigal" H to God to work on, because I can't "fix him". I think I have reached that step in grieving of Acceptance - at least 80% of the time. whew! What a relief. I don't cry and roll all over the bed as much anymore. Youa re hurting very bad now, but give it all to God - ask Him to help you-ask Him to DO it for you because you CAN'T. he will give you courage and strength. <P>Nothing you do at this point can change her mind, except letting her go and keep working on yourslef.<P>So, I'm not sure if you've really moved to B or not. If you have, then hopefully some others can hop in and give some advice. But let us know how you are doing. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1

GodlyMan<P>I am so sorry for your pain. Some days we just need to give in to the pain and anguish. Cry and scream, and roll around on the bed until you are too exhausted to continue.<P>I’ve been there, done that and know how awful it feels. Just know that you are doing the right thing. There is nothing you can do to control your wife’s actions. Plan B is the best way to get her to come out of her fog. <P>So hang in there and keep posting here. Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thank you all SO much for replying.<P>I just got back from counseling and I feel so much stronger. I am going to see a psychiatrist on Thursday to prescribe anti-depressants, which should really help with my resolve, and with concentrating at work.<P>Part of me wants SO badly for her to knock on the door right now and say she is home. And ready to work. But I just know it's not possible. She needs to let him go. I need to stick with my resolve. My therapist said that if I give in and tell her to come back, I am sending the wrong message. She will think she can get away with anything. (As if she doesn't think that already) So I need to stick to it and pray that she comes back soon. <P>But counseling really helped me confirm that I am doing the right thing. She was very glad that I finally set boundaries and made up my mind, instead of just making excuses.<P>God give me the strength, just to make it through one more day. I'll worry about the next day when it comes.

Yay! That sounds great! I'm glad you are doing better. Yes. One day at a time. I just started a new book, called Just Enough Light for the Step we're On.. An illustration of how when you are walking in the dark - like up the steps, you can't see where you came from, and you can't see where you are going, but there's just enough sight - or light - to be where you are, and reach to God for His hand to comfort you on that step, and guide you where the next one is.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1

It took about 4 months for me to get out of the fog enough to agree to TRY to save my marriage. I can't imagine what it was like for my H cause he was alone out there and I was at home with our children...I pray every night that God and H forgive me for what I've done...<BR>"Trying" was also hard and I can't tell you that you'll wake up one morning and everything will be like it was...But you'll get there gradually...Find strength in your self...<BR>

Just getting to the point where she is genuinely willing to "try" will be a HUGE step for us. Knowing that she is so addicted to this man that she isn't even willing to "try" and stop talking to him is what is the hardest to deal with.<P>And indefinitely is SO hard to swallow =(<P>Just enough light for the step you're one. I like that. That's what I need, right now. Just this. I know we can do it, as long as she is willing to try.

I know where you are coming from. <BR>My W is so deeply involved with this guy that she is making decisions that I call irrational. Big surprise. She has told me she is very happy with her situation but doesn't really want anybody to know. She is being led by a "predator" that has completly surrounded her with his family and friends. There is no way for her to think things out for herself and that is just how predators operate, divide and conquor. I too would love to get to the point where she is at least beginning to see the light . I guess we will go it together<BR>Good luck to both of us cheers.<P>deeplyinlove<BR>

Godlyman,<P>Was just checking in on you before I hit the sack. Glad to hear you are doing a little better.<P>It's one day at a time right now.<P>God Bless<BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

When I went back to TRY (15 years ago) I thought I am doing this because of my children and my family and because I couldn't stand a feeling of shame and guilt...To be perfectly honest I thought it is just a temporary solution and it will not work. Even asked my H to let me go easy way if it's not working. I didn't instantly felt love again and it took some hard time for both of us (few years) to actually be back and feel more secure. So don't expect miracles.<BR>We both tried to change during years and we both learned not to be selfish and probably that was a reason that love came back - for both of us. He sure also had a hard time trying not to loose love for me...But we never had this problem again ...We just had our 25 years anniversary last year...Still we'll need to cope with MLC but I believe we now know how to deal with it...We'll see...<P>

Well, I got up this morning and just absolutely felt that if I did not write them, I would not be able to even function, to eat breakfast, or go to work (and today is an extremely important day at work). So I wrote them both an email. I just implored them to use this time in a way that helps them work things out in a way that is best for both of them. I told them to consider their families to please don't fall back into the life they have been living, and worst of all, to meet again. It would only cause more pain for everyone in the long run.<P>I know this isn't Plan B, really. I guess I am just doing what I feel is best. I suppose we are still in Plan A, but separated temporarily until she makes up her mind. And I felt the need to re-assert my love and dedication to our marriage. My counselor felt like it might not be a bad idea since there is a strong chance this situation will pull her further away.<P>I didn't Plan A long enough, and I just don't feel comfort enough that she knows I still love her with all my heart. =(

Alright GM! Welcome to the Plan A while separated club. YOu can do it. The pain will start easing up. Get focused at work (I had the hardest time doing that, but I'm there now and it feels great!). Keep posting...<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

GOD knows your heart and HE knows how much you love your wife. As long as your intentions are known in heaven, forget about trying so hard to convince others. It would be like beating your head against a brick wall. Let God convince her. She needs a revelation from Him right now, anyway so she can see and appreciate what she has (present tense) in you...<P>IMO, if you expect nothing, you get nothing, if you expect miracles, then you get miracles. Might as well believe for a miracle as we won't need them in heaven, right? WE NEED THEM NOW! Don't set any limits on God. Let God BE GOD! He wants to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we could ever think or ask! That sounds pretty miraculous to me!<P>The thing is, is that the enemy is tenacious and will constantly be trying to get us to give up our hopes. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Your wife's will is involved here, tho. Give her to God and be secure in your faith knowing that God is doing all He can on your behalf. There are people who will cross your wife's path who she will listen to.<P>God perfectly orchestrates scenarios and His timing is perfect. We can rely on that much better than we can trust in ourselves to convince someone of our heartfelt motives. God is the judge and He is on our side. How can we go wrong when we depend on Him for help?

She came home last night =)<P>I got home to an empty house, and was about to go out and rent a video to try and pass what was promising to be another painful evening alone when the phone rang. Her very first words were almost in a whisper. She said "Can I come home?"<BR>I said "I want that more than anything in the world, honey. But are you sure you are ready?" She almost didn't even wait for me to finish my question and breathed an enthusiastic "Yes"<P>She could have been content to stay with her mother for as long as she liked. No one bothered her, she said. She got to talk to the OM as much as she liked, but said that she spent most of the two days in bed, just thinking. <P>Thank you all for all of your help. Tears are a language that God indeed understands and he definitely worked on her. BINthereDUNthat, you're very right in what you said. Thank you for reminding me that God is greater than what our minds are taught to expect. <P>I am not expecting a life with a road paved in gold from here on out. But just knowing that she was given the choice between he and I, she picked me. She could have stayed away as long as she liked. But she couldn't even stand more than 2 days. That has lifted me from the dumps and given me more hope than you can imagine.<P>I still have an appointment with the psychiatrist today at 5:30, and he will most likely prescribe some anti-depressants, just based on my emotional state night before last. I am sure they will come in handy sometime. We are flesh and we are weak. And there will be times I do not feel as strong as I do now. But even when I had nothing and nobody to turn to, you guys were there for me, and let me promise you - I will never forget that as long as I live.<P>God Bless you all and continue to pray for us as we work on rebuilding a marriage that fulfills all our hopes.

*slight grin*<P>I just had to write this to say that how fitting it is that that post fell on a new page =)<P>Although I don't consider all our problems to be past, we overcame a huge hurdle, and a new page seems to be very fitting =)

GodlyMan:<P>Please do go to the doc and get on antidepressants. And continue the counseling (if it's doing any good). Get Surviving an Affair, and start learning the consistant behavior you need to present to your wife so that you don't confuse her even more.<P>Here's my advice for you: hope for the best, but expect the worse. When a WS comes hope after a day or two---it's can be just another swing on the rollercoaster. Expect to have to deal with more contact.<P>And I'll pray that you don't...

Yeah, I'm definitely going to take the medicine. And I already have an appointment for my next counseling session. I am hoping the wife will agree to come along. She said she couldn't, before, because she was afraid it would work. But now that she has committed to trying to make it work, it would make sense that she should say yes.<P>Nonetheless, I am almost expecting contact in the future, but I am not going to think about it. I am only going to be the most loving husband I know how to be. I am already planning a surprise 4 day getaway in a couple weeks =)<P>I am going to make it such that IF she does talk to him, she'll realize what a mistake it is because of what she has in me. Maybe that sounds idealistic, but that *has* to be my plan.

GodlyMan:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am going to make it such that IF she does talk to him, she'll realize what a mistake it is because of what she has in me. Maybe that sounds idealistic, but that *has* to be my plan. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, that's part of Plan A. But the deal here is consistancy---if you're going to Plan A, it's got to be for at least a few months---not 11 minutes. The antidepressants will help you from not swinging back and forth so hard.