Yes, I still feel liberated.<P>My wife got the letter Tuesday. Early Wednesday morning, my au pair went to my wife's apartment so she could go to work - my son had spent the night there. Taz (my nickname for the au pair) told me later that W had mentioned the letter to her and stated that she didn't want to put her in the middle of communication between us (I had also explained this to Taz previously - my letter specifies communication via voice mail and e-mail). W also told Taz she would honor my request to not interact directly with me, and to stay out of my house - although she believes she has a legal right to come into the house. She also told Taz that she is cooperating because she wants to be "nice" to me. She voiced concerns about who is going to make sure the dogs are properly groomed. <P>Despite W's statement that she didn't want to use Taz for communication, she asked Taz if she could pay her 50% of the au pair expenses directly to Taz and to tell me that she wants <son> Friday night. Taz responded as I had directed her to to any requests, "I'll check with Dave."<P>Taz described her attitude as somewhat sarcastic and a little angry and she (Taz) didn't really understand why W was saying these things to her. My speculation is that the letter came as a complete surprise and W doesn't know what to think.<P>In my last session with Steve on July 2, he asked me to ask W, ONE MORE TIME, if she would talk to him. She had turned down flat a similar request in April. She had a single session with Steve back in November at my request, but afterward felt set up because I had portrayed it as being about me, not her. Apparently she felt threatened and tricked because Steve may have gotten too close to what she wanted to avoid talking about - her.<P>Per Steve's request to me, I sent W an e-mail July 3 asking her to please re-consider having a session with Steve - or Jennifer if she wasn't comfortable with Steve. I stated that I was asking this as a favor to assist in my continued recovery. In several phone calls after that, she never answered the question, although I didn't repeat it. When she didn't respond by Saturday the 7th, I sent the Plan B letter which she received on the 10th. It's entirely possible she hadn't read her e-mail by then. In the letter I mentioned my continuing work with my counselor, including this statement: "I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me - this is why I've asked you to talk with my counselor."<P>Well, this morning (Thursday the 12th - less than two full days after getting the Plan B letter), she finally responded to my request to talk to Steve saying, "I'll talk to the counselor one more time only."<P>She also stated (in addition to some routine scheduling items for <son> ), "I would also like to pay <Taz> directly so that you don't need to worry about being paid. Next, I don't mind staying outside, but will you please take my name off the mortgage then."<P>Our separation agreement stipulates that I will take steps to remove her from the mortgage at her request. She agreed to pay half of any expense associated with this. This seems to me to be purely a tit-for-tat response, but I have to meet her request. She may back down when she hears how much it will cost her.<P>I plan to flat turn her down for the request to pay Taz directly. Although this may prevent her from becoming so far in the hole to me, this is outside of the au pair contract and she has to pay me for other expenses as well. However, I will not turn anything down until after she talkes to Steve so as not to provoke another tit-for-tat reaction.<P>Anyway, her agreement to talk to Steve may have come despite the Plan B letter, but I think the letter certainly didn't hurt. She is displaying an air of defiance. I don't expect much from her session with Steve.<P>Thoughts?<P>Dave (WAT)

Glad that you finally have some indication as to her reaction, and you know she got the letter.<P>I'd say her reaction is pretty much as expected. Surprise, some jostling for position, so to speak. But, the agreement to talk to Steve has surprised me. I'd say that isn't such a bad thing.<P>Just remember, and you know anyway, that the initial reaction will likely settle, and there will be some quiet time. That is what I'm in now. Who knows where it leads, but we do this for ourselves.<P>She's going to get the point now....that you are going to move on if she doesn't want to work on the marriage. At least this kind of thing will reveal the truth about reconciliation, through time.<P>Good job.

WAT-only have a minute right now, but your W is obviously disturbed by your letter. Enough to have another (only one?, she needs some control, right) session w/Steve.<P>I'll be back later w/more thoughts. Keep up the good work! Glad to hear you feel liberated!

Wow, see you never expect the reaction you will get from the WS in regards to a plan B letter!!<P>This is great news WAT, not to get your hopes up, but I am happy for you. There is no doubt in my mind that her intention to meet with Steve has to do with the plan B letter. The thing about the mortgage, is probably just her trying to deal with your letter - tit for tat as you say (and you are right, I doubt she will want to pay 1/2 the cost once she realizes what it is!).<P>Best of luck! I hope her appointment goes well. I think you handled the situation beautifully and telling her not to pay the Au Pair direct is the best solution.

Hey WhoDat, Orchid, K, Chris, Mother, Nyneve, Lostva, Lor, SKM, JL, et al!!!!!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited July 13, 2001).]

Well, you certainly threw her for a loop if she is agreeing to ONE more session with Steve....

Cleo, bitsy, HBH - from my vantage point I don't place as much emphasis on her reluctant agreement to talk to Steve "one more time only." I think she thinks of this now as a reasonable thing for her to do because I asked her to do it as a favor. She's just trying to maintain an amicable posture. However, I could be totally underplaying this. I plan to talk with Steve first. He really had her PO'd after the first session. Maybe he can work a miracle, but I expect her to clam up the instant he tries to get inside her head.<P>Nonetheless, thanks for your optimism.<P>Dave (WAT)

WAT...Sounds like your W got a bit of a jolt from your Plan B letter to her. I'm glad that she will have at least one more counseling session. It sounds like reality is beginning to set in and I hope that she is finally waking up from her thick fog!

Sorry, Dave... been AFK and busy for the last few days. Couple things...<P>I’d almost say your W is agreeing to the session with Steve as a way of maintaining contact of some sort with you. I guess it doesn’t matter <I>why</I>she talks to him, so long as she <B>does.</B> You don’t have to participate, and shouldn’t even ask her how it went afterwards. At the conclusion of your Plan B (either through reconciliation or divorce), you can find out... should you still care. She may THINK she’s breaking your Plan B resolve, but you won’t be... don’t even respond to her, “Aren’t you going to ask me how my session with Steve went?”<P>Have you gotten reimbursed for the 3K (I think it was that much she owes you?) she owes from taxes, etc. yet? If not, I would start the paperwork re: the mortgage, and then before going through with it, tell her how much, and that you’ll get things finished as soon as she pays you the 3K(?) as well as half the paperwork costs.<P>I won’t even talk about the dogs... personally, I HATE rat-dogs. <P>No real opinion on the Taz situation; guess I don’t have enough info to make one, or know anything about how au pairs work. I might reiterate that ALL communication be through email/voicemail, should the message passing through Taz continue. Is she still going to go over early mornings? I certainly wouldn’t bend over backwards to make anything <I>easy</I> for your W. Do what you will, and at this point, don’t worry about her reaction... that’s the beauty of Plan B. Let it work on YOU. <P>I guess bottom line... continue with Plan B, and let all her manipulations just roll off your back. She knows what she needs to do in order to open the lines of communication. Don’t even acknowledge them, and certainly don’t let them break your resolve... that’s what Plan B is all about! <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Hi Dave,<P>I wish I had some good advice for you, heck even some advice. I read your post and I don't know what to make of it. I will admit that I don't sense any movement on her part. But you are much closer to this than I.<P>I still feel that some how your marriage and the passing of your son are intertwined in her mind. I cannot fathom how one would change that. It just has to happen on it's own. <P>I do think the Plan B letter was appropriate, but I also think that being nice to her will bear fruit as time goes on. The real telling time comes in Aug. when she can file for divorce. If the OM is still in the picture I suspect she will go with him and only then find out the source of her sadness is not you.<P>Is she strong enough to come back after that realization I don't know. <P>It seems to me you are doing everything about as well as you can. You have set boundaries with her, yet you remain open to her. She has agreed to see Steve, but I suspect it is mostly to ease her conscience.<P>I wish I could be more of an upper. But you are doing all you can do and only Time and Patience will tell.<P>I would recommend that you not try to out guess her. I doubt that she has much of clue about what is/was happening so you surely don't. <P>Hang in there Dave and<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dave,<P>Hm.... Every action causes and equal or opposite reaction. Is that a correct scientific analysis? Well in the fog it gets slightly distorted. <P>So your W is thinking? Well you letter is working. I hope she continues to think. You know Dave, I am finding out that it is painful for the WS when they think. I will share more on that later. It is good news to hear that your W is willing to have a session with Steve. <P>As far as the mortgage, Taz and dog issues.... don't worry, just her trying to show that she has control. Taz did good. Give her a raise?!?!? Oops your the boss, bad, bad Orchid. Oh yea, it's Orchid that needs a raise. Hm..... working on that. Hey, I just got one today. Wow, I have a nice boss. So does Taz.<P>And those little critters you have. Be nice to them. Remember they saved you from harms way once. Ruff ruff!!<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>