Some of you may have read my previous thread, "bad news, I need support". I am torn and still looking for advice.<P>1. Should I contest my divorce?<P>2. Should I fight for joint custody of my daughter, with her living with me? Do I have a realistic chance?<P>My W wants a divorce and I don't. I told her I will not help her with it as it goes against everything I believe. OM is/was involved, although my W denies it. I believe she wants a divorce to pursue relationship with OM with a clear conscience. I have gotten mixed advice and am torn as to what to do. On one hand, contesting the divorce may buy me some time for the A to unravel and the "fog" to lift so my W can see the reality of what she is doing and the pain she is causing. On the other hand, contesting the divorce may just cause more animosity and make her feel I am forcing her to stay in the marriage against her will. Maybe she needs to be free to make this decision and deal with the consequences.<P>As far as the custody issue with our daughter, My W and I both work. Our D is in daycare. I spend more time with her due to our work schedules. I have always shared the child care responsibilities 50/50. If we divorce, we will need to sell the house, so my daughter will be in another home anyway. I make significantly more money than my W and can give our D a slightly better standard of living. This being said, is there any chance a judge would rule in favor of our D living with me, or as a man, is this just a pipedream? <P>Although we were having problems, my W never mentioned divorce until her A was revealed. I do not know what the current status is between W and OM. Is it common for WS to push for a divorce once the A has been revealed? My W has denied the A even in the face of considerable proof. Why do they do that?<P>I would appreciate input from BS's and WS's alike.<P>sad dad<BR>

sad dad:<P>Steve has advised you to contest, and when I was in doubt, I always took Steve's advice very seriously.<P>I would also contest the divorce, if I were in your shoes. In most states, all you would do is refuse to sign the documents. Then your wife would be forced to file a legal separation, and live apart from you (probably for a year) before a divorce would be granted.<P>Contest this using the best Plan A skills that you can. Reiterate that you're willing to do anything for her (and the marriage), short of a divorce---you're told her that in good conscience you can't do that. Other than that, Plan A her.<P>Most wayward spouses are fence-sitters. They don't want to take action---they want you to make the decisions for them. Don't do it. Force her to take all the necessary, ugly, nasty steps to file for a divorce on her own. And kill her with kindness.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited July 16, 2001).]

ditto K<P>double ditto<P>Have you spoken to an attorney? I can't remember. If not, you should.<P>WAT

I originally learned of my W's intention to D me about 3 months ago. She first told me about 2 months ago. She has yet to take action, so I agree she is/was on the fence. That's obviously why she was hoping I would help.<P>I spoke to an attorney back in May and just had some general questions. <P>sad dad

Sad Dad,<P>Go to see a attorney ASAP. Find out what your options are. For the most part, your first consultation is free. I did. I have two kids and wanted to know what's out there for me. If you want your kids and so does your wife, It going to be a battle. You need a laywer. Your Wife needs a lawyer. Your girl needs a lawyer and a therapist. It will be long and costly, not that money is a issue.<P>You stated that your wife is not a bad mother. My wife is not a bad mother either What does this mean? It could go any way. Me personally, I know people will say that the husband has a fair chance, but If the mother is stable, well you know what I'm getting at.<P>Again, my W and I have not really talked about getting a D, but issues have been said. I need to get my ducks in a row. <P>My lawyer suggested that if my W and I are willing to work out a agreement on the D, that it may work out for all of us. You know what, she's right. If I able to have the kids, say every weekend and maybe dinner one other night during the week and both can go to all the kids functions and still communicate with each other. Will this be that bad, maybe, but I still see my kids three day a week and who knows maybe more. I don't know. Too bad I can't see the future. <P>I have never been through this kind of pain before. I always said I will make sure it will be hell and back if we went through a D, but everyone suffers. What's best for everyone? I may change my mind next week. It very emotional.<P>This is me. I am not telling you what to do Sad Dad. It's just some info. Good luck. Let me know what happens.<P>Dino

I vote for not signing any divorce papers. Don't do it. But try to be as nice as you can under the circumstances. Don't make it any easier for your wife. Why should you. I don't see that your wife should be able to divorce and get half your stuff just because she had an affair. If she walks aways and gets nothing that would be OK. Hopefully you can somehow with time stall enough so she can get a clear head. Maybe the affair will fizzle out when both people see what problems it causes. The longer your wife denies the thing, the more she has to sneak around and the more distasteful the whole thing might get for either your wife or maybe for the other person. Don't give up so fast. It doesn't buy you anything unless you really hate your wife which I don't think you do.

I am not giving up, just preparing myself and looking for opinions. I love my wife more than she can ever know. She is a wonderful woman. There is nothing I want more than a chance to save our marriage.<P>sad dad

I am not giving up, just preparing myself and looking for opinions. I love my wife more than she can ever know. She is a wonderful woman. There is nothing I want more than a chance to save our marriage.<P>sad dad

I am not giving up, just preparing myself and looking for opinions. I love my wife more than she can ever know. She is a wonderful woman. There is nothing I want more than a chance to save our marriage.<P>sad dad

Sad Dad,<BR>Don't know if my story will help you, but at least I will try.......<BR>4 1/2 Months ago I found out my WH’s A. WH wants a D ASAP as soon as the truth is out (same as you). He told every one know about it that he will not change his mind and he will fill soon. But he was also sitting on the fence like your wife (from talking about a D to go through it, it needs a lot of works), he did talk to a lawyer twice and I agreed for a D (to make him feel he is not trapped ). But as soon as I agreed to it orally, he slowed down and that’s a reality check for him.<BR>Today, we are on our way to recovery, all his determination about the big D is gone....<P>Your wife is in a shock just like you are. She feel terrible and shamed after her A is out on the table. The way out is a D. She do not have to face you and she will have a chance to “explore” with the OP ( my WH’s word).<BR>Do not tell her you are going to contest her decision that just make her want to be free even more.<BR>But at the same time, do talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Try to plan-A her the best you can. Tell her you will respect her decision, but D is not your wish. Let her feel saft to come home and show her you are willing to forgive her and you are the better man. Then she might able to face you and face her inner self. Good luck to you!!<P>

Sad Dad,<BR>Don't know if my story will help you, but at least I will try.......<BR>4 1/2 Months ago I found out my WH’s A. WH wants a D ASAP as soon as the truth is out (same as you). He told every one know about it that he will not change his mind and he will fill soon. But he was also sitting on the fence like your wife (from talking about a D to go through it, it needs a lot of works), he did talk to a lawyer twice and I agreed for a D (to make him feel he is not trapped ). But as soon as I agreed to it orally, he slowed down and that’s a reality check for him.<BR>Today, we are on our way to recovery, all his determination about the big D is gone....<P>Your wife is in a shock just like you are. She feel terrible and shamed after her A is out on the table. The way out is a D. She do not have to face you and she will have a chance to “explore” with the OP ( my WH’s word).<BR>Do not tell her you are going to contest her decision that just make her want to be free even more.<BR>But at the same time, do talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Try to plan-A her the best you can. Tell her you will respect her decision, but D is not your wish. Let her feel saft to come home and show her you are willing to forgive her and you are the better man. Then she might able to face you and face her inner self. Good luck to you!!<P>

tryingtolive2,<P>In your reply, you said your husband "told everyone he knows about it". Were you refering to the A or his desire for a D? I'm assuming the latter, same as my W. She has told her friends and family that she has to divorce me, her only reason being that she's not "in love with me" anymore. From what I know, her family thinks she's making a big mistake. You may be right in that by getting a D, she will not have to face me or what she's done, and will be free to pursue a relationship with OM. She won't really be free to do that, her family will never accept him. They all think the world of me<BR>and we are very close. <P>I have made it clear that I understand that she has to do what she needs to do. But I have also made it clear that this is not what I want, I'd like to work on our marriage and I cannot help her with it because it goes against everything I believe. I do not intend to tell her I will contest it. I'm not sure that I will, that's why I'm asking for advice. If or when she files, I will make that decision. <P>I do believe she feels ashamed. When the A was first exposed, she was in bad shape. Alot of crying for several days, missing some work, sleeping on the couch. That stopped for awhile, but she has been sleeping on the couch for the last 2 weeks. I'll have to wait this out and see if she does file. I think I'm handling this the right way. Letting her make the decision and deal with the "dirty" work. She probably hates me for that.<P>She has spoken to a lawyer, as have I. I'll continue to plan A, and not do anything (LB's) to help her justify this decision.<P>sad dad <P>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 17, 2001).]

I sent my W a short email today. All I said was that I know this (divorce) is what she feels she needs to do and I respect her decision. But I love her and believe in our marriage and I am not ready to give up on it.<P>Just trying to reitirate (sp?) what I've already told her.<P>sad dad

sad - OK, she knows where you stand, now I recommend you don't bring it up again. The ball's in her court, so let her play it. If she traps you in a conversation about it tell the truth. If she asks if you will contest it, can you truthfully say, "I don't know."? This mysterious answer can come in handy for BSs too.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I get your point about not bringing it up again. The only reason I did was because when I responded to her letter a few nights ago, I felt my response came off as rehearsed (which it was) and maybe not as heartfelt as I would have liked.<P>I'm really don't know if I will contest D, so if she asks I can answer honestly.<P>sad dad