I just had a long talk with H. <P>He says that he is really unhappy and he knows I'm really unhappy and that we should seperate and sell the house. <P>He says he is doesn't have the heart to work on our marriage right now and he truley feels the only way to save it is to split up and take a break and then maybe we will decide we really want to be together and then we can start over and start dating. <P>I told him that I think he is just saying that we will get back together to make this easier to do. <P>He says no that he truley hopes we will get back together and start all over. <P>What do you guys think?<P>Can I stop this from happening.<P>Should I even try to stop this from happening? <P>This really sucks. <P>But maybe if we do this he will realize what he is throwing away and will want to get back together. <P>What do you guys think ?

Stay in that house if you can. Don't leave it. Its your home. Its a place he can come back to. Can you stop him from leaving? Nope not a chance in h-e-double-hockeysticks<P>Read my response to dennard here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010800.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010800.html</A> and my story here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html</A> <P>Be patient.. there will be others here in the morning to answer your questions.. I'm not the best at doing so at this point.. so I'll refrain for now.<P>H2Y

S&C,<P>Was there an affair? Tell me some more what is going on. What got you to this point.. what happened?<P>H2Y

He had the A. He says it was EA not PA.<P>I don't know what brought this on. <P>It had been 3 weeks from d-day. <P>I don't really know what brought this on tonight, maybe when it comes to actually doing it he will waffel. <P>I really don't know what to do. <P>This has been really hard and I do know if we split up I will be happier to be alone now. I also don't want to give up. <P>Could he really be for real when he says we could start over. <P>I'm not totally innocent in this thing and we have a lot of issues. I guess his biggest one was our wedding night. <P>When we got married I had a gambling problem and we went to Las Vegas to get married. He fell asleep on our wedding night and I took all the money out of his wallet and gambled it away. I have'nt gambled since. <P>This has really bothered him for the last 6 years ans he saya that not a day goes by that he doesn't think about it and how much it hurt him us not spending our wedding night together. <BR>Of course I feel bad about this and we never really celebreat our wedding anniversaries because it is too hard for him. <P>I really don't understand why he can't forgive me. I can forgive him for the A. <P>He thinks if we split up maybe we can fall in love again, get remarried and start over with a different wedding date. <P>If I really thought this was true, I would happily go along with it. <P>I sort of think he is just saying this to make splitting up easier. <P>He say no this is what he really hopes?<P>I don't know what to think.<BR>

S&C,<P>Let me sleep on this and I'll get back to you in the morning. Don't give up. Never. The two of you can resolve this. Lots of us have been where your at right now for YEARS.<P>Get some rest now... your going to need it in the future.<P>H2Y

Ok, let's go with that logic. How about redoing your vows (like a 2nd wedding) on another special day? Make that your new anniversary? <P>Guess you need to find out the real reason. Is the OW a strong manipulative type? Just the fact that your H is pulling so hard for this makes me a tad suspicious. <P>L.

Oh yes, I'm absolutly certian she is behind this. <P>She is still pestering him. <P>We have talked about re-doing our wedding vows, but he seems to think that this is the only way to do it, to divorce then see if we can get back together. <P>This is a romantic idea which I'm liable to fall for, but I'm scarred it's just a ploy by him to make things easier on him. He hates confrontation. <P>I don't really think she wants him, I think this is a game to her. He is 12 years older and 3x divorced. <P>I don't know what to do. Should I try to stop him or just tell him no, I won't sell the house. <P>Maybe this is just the fog, maybe in the morning he will realize this is a bad idea. <P>Maybe I sould just let him go and the two of them can be unhappy together and I can start a new life. <P>I don't know what to think. I thought my plan A was going well till now. I know she has put pressure on him this week. I think he had been avoiding her but that just pissed her off and now she is comming on srtong. <P>I don't know.

oops that should have been SHE is 12 years older and 3x divorced.

Opinions anyone?

Well, then if the OW is persuing this and H is getting caught in the middle, he will have to pull himself out. <P>He thinks selling the house will fix his problems? Let him work out the details. It may mean losing your house but saving your marriage? Or it may mean losing both. Are you ready for that? <P>1. You need to look at what you are willing to do or put up with. Your care for you vs your care for your H is at odds here. <P>2. Do you think he is able to follow through with these suggestions himself? Can he sell the house, divorce you without your help?<P>Just a few more questions to think about. On the other hand this could be the perfect time for the OW to LB your H. This could set him in a state of confusion even further, then when he is ready and if you still want to you can be there to help him pick out his pieces. <P>L.

sad...<P>You got a real case of two issues here...<P>Man oh man is OW good!! She is manipulating him something fierce!! She is sooooo classic...older, divorced 3X, tells him just what he needs to hear, gives him exactly whatever he says he needs...She is a snake for sure!! And when she is done with him, he will be #4, as soon as she sets her sites on #5. H needs to realize...there is a real reason (other than the ones she says to him), why she is a 3X loser!! I am sure she has some great stories about why she is alone again, and all of them will blame the other Hs. <P>The other part to the D from H, is that he will then absolve himself of all guilt in seeing it through with OW. If he lets go of his M, then he is free to pursue OW and *see if it works out*. If it doesnt, who do you think will be the first to know? Thats right...the old standby. The stuff about the wedding night is all smoke and mirrors. WS are amazingly good at finding every reason/excuse we need to justify things. I am not saying it didnt hurt or isnt an issue, but to figure it into a D after 6 years? That is plain old not letting go, carrying a grudge, and having something to hold over your head and use when it is convenient. Personally, if he wants to give it up for a 3X loser, you need to help him realize, its for good. For you to be the doormat to come home and wipe his feet on is dead wrong!!<P>I realize, as a WS, I may sound a bit arrogant or angry, and maybe I am, because I see it for what it is in this case. Your H wants a D in order to be guilt free to do this. Personally, I say you stay in the house, make him help pay for it, and dont make the D easy on him. I guess this one struck a real nerve with me. Sorry if anyone is gonna come down on me for not being more MB protocol, but I dont like this one. Keep the faith!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I think you guys are both right. <P>I don't think he is capable of selling the house and getting a divorce without my help. <P>I will stick to my guns and won't help he with either. <P>I did tell him I don't want a divorce and I won't be the one to do it. <P>I will try to stay in the house. I can actually pay for the house myself. If he wants to go, maybe he should go. <P>I'm so sure this OW doesn't really want him and just likes the hunt. <P>I hope she is LB'ing all over the place. I know he won't like that. <P>I will sit back and keep doing my plan A and let H make all the moves, or not make all the moves. <P>We have built a wonderful lifestyle together and he will have to give all that up and go live with his mom or in a crappy little apartment if he wants out. His car payment is huge more than 1/2 the mortage. My car is almost paid. I have enough in the bank to pay it off if I need to. I will can stay in my nice comfortable home and let him venture out into the cold mean world with that wrinkled up little old bitter troll. <P>This just pisses me off, what is her problem? Why can't she find an unmarried man her own age. <P>You guys are helpful, because my 1st instinct after last night's conversation was that if he wants out to be misrable with her then fine lest sell that house and move on. <P>But now NO WAY am I going to help him. If that's what he wants he can figure out how to do it on his own. <BR>

sad&confused:<P>Don't give up the house. If he wants you to sell it now it sounds like he has already made up his mind. If the house is sold, that is one more thing he doesn't have to deal with. Besides, if his theory is split up to maybe get back together, where are you getting back together...if the house is gone? Sounds like fog, now think about....it does this make sense.<P><B>He says no that he truley hopes we will get back together and start all over.</B> <P>Start over....what's wrong with starting NOW. Think about it...if he really meant this...he would be trying NOW, if he TRULY HOPES. <P><B>He says he is doesn't have the heart to work on our marriage right now and he truley feels the only way to save it is to split up and take a break and then maybe we will decide we really want to be together and then we can start over and start dating.</B><P>H just wants to go do his thing. "Doesn't have the heart"...if he had a heart for you right now...he wouldn't want to leave. This is an excuse....his heart is in what he wants....OW. By telling you this...he is leaving your door open, just in case. My H left because he wanted to be ALONE..he wasn't HAPPY...bull..it was to be with OW. Maybe he would come back...it's been a year. IMO my WH lied, wanted to keep me hanging here, in case OW didn't work out...his second choice ME. <P>The only way to save your marriage is to split up? This sounds like an excuse...and a lame one at that. Reminds me of the time one Sat. my H came over, spent 7 hrs here, than said he had to go. I asked him why he couldn't stay, why he didn't come home....he said I can't stay I have an apartment. Now is that a lame excuse...give me a break...dump the apartment. It wasn't the apartment...it was what was in it...OW living at his apartment. Except she was leaving for the weekends, that's why he was here, waffling. <P>Now lets get real...we know WS's lie...it's par for the course. IMO your H is looking for an excuse or giving you and excuse, whichever. Don't buy it.<P>I you are BOTH unhappy and BOTH have issues, that is understandable. But, you could BOTH work out these issues if you are BOTH willing. It appears your H isn't because of OW. I've heard the I wasn't happy from my H also.<P>With the issues....it's not your wedding night 6 years ago. It's the EN he is not getting met. It's the issues he won't confront and work on. My H has brought up, over and over many times (even after he left), complaining about a coffee cup HE had left on the kitchen table and I didn't pick up. Give me a break....this was NOT the real issue. Apparently this signified something else to him...his real issue..which I'm not sure of. H never expressed his real issues or his missing EN's to me. Kept them to himself and ran, easier than confronting them. I think I'll take that coffee cup, wrap it up.....send it to him...with a note..."Here honey, I finally took it off the table..are YOU HAPPY yet?"<P><B>He thinks if we split up maybe we can fall in love again, get remarried and start over with a different wedding date.</B> <P>Split up to get divorced to fall in love to get remarried again....does this make sense??? H's poor excuses are just a smoke screen.<P>I'm sorry....but this makes me boil...I had to vent it. I've been there and looking back in hindsight I can see it. It's too bad we can't have hindsight....first. <P>If you can put your emotionals aside a minute, I know that's hard to do, and look at the facts...you can see a little clearer. Blow that smoke screen away. If you haven't... read and know that the lies are all too common in the A's. You want to believe what they tell you as truth, but the facts and actions speak louder. <P>If he is really insistant on leaving...where would he go? Is there someone, other than OW, he can stay with? Have you tried counseling...would he go? If he truly wants to save this marriage, he will go to counseling, or try something besides running.<P>Look out for YOURSELF. <BR>Best wishes to you....take care. <BR>

I have been going to counseling he won't go, he says his heart isn't in it and it would be too painful to bring up all the past stuff. <P>I really don't believe him that we will get back together anyway. I think he is just saying that to make himself feel better. <P>He didn't mention selling the house today and acted like everything is normal. <P>Maybe this is just the fog. Maybe a false alarm. <P>