I am freakin' out here, and I need you to help me because I feel like I'm going into a panic attack.<P>Quickie History~~~>My husband and I have filed for divorce, and it's a contentious battle, to say the least. It became evident about 10 weeks ago that my abusive, alcoholic H was going to continue to manipulate me and our situation for his better gain. He was already hotly invested in another affair he was not aware I knew about, yet he was lying to me about his involvement. There was no communication beyond yelling awful words and sending hateful emails to me. I had tried for weeks previously to get him to calm down and talk to me because he was accusing me of being the worse person on the planet, everything was my fault, he did not wrong, yadda, yadda, yadda. When he finally did calm down, he agreed to talk to me one Monday, and he never contacted me. I waited a few days. On Friday, I sat in the lawyer's office and proceded to file a contested divorce. I felt I had no other choice, so I went into survival mode. I did the things I needed to do to protect my assets and limit my financial damages through a divorce. I hired a P.I. for 2 weeks to follow my husband because I knew he was having an affair, but I had no proof. Indeed, he was involved with a nurse from work, and he was taking her out regularly, spending our marital assets on their recreation and dining while I struggled to keep the utilities on (water was turned off) and food in the refrigerator (went one day to the bread line). This proof could be very damaging to him in court as far as custody and support. I stopped asking my husband last year to help me out more because he continuously threatened to take our son away from me. My life has been more than just stressful and nerve wracking. I am afraid of this man because of the horrible way he treated me the last 14 years. I am but a shell of the woman I once was.<P>So, we have not spoken or communicated in any way since then. Visitation is pretty much set in granite as far as pick up and drop off. We will send rudimentary notes from time to time if necessary, but generally not. I got an email from him tonight, and I don't know how to respond to it, or even if I should respond to it at all. He is somewhat hostile in this email, but not nearly as aggressive as he was in April. I will paste it:<P><I>We have been seperated for a year now. Several months ago, our marriage was on it's last breath. Gaining no success with the counselors and it seemed hopeless that we would stay together. I wanted to end our marriage with some kind of friendship. At Cody's last soccer game, it appeared evident to me, that you did not want to talk with me. Only a week or so prior to that, we had discussed the divorce and the hope to work out some civil realtionship during and after the divorce. That is not happening. After the Divorce papers were served, it was evident to me that the lawyers best handle it. The demands were to complicated. Almost three months ago, I began looking forward in my life. I hoped our divorce would have been easier, but it's not.<P>It's come to my attention through rumors, that you have been inquring at the hospital about my personal life and work environment. I find that hard to believe. We are in the middle of Divorce procedings, and I've said nothing negative about you. I would hope you would extend the same courtesy. I'm sure I'm hearing nothing but rumors. I don't believe you would continue to "spy " on me as it was said.<P>I have been on the dating scene a little. If you choose to see other people I certainly understand. We are Divorced, just waiting on the legal formalities. Divorced does not mean dead. If I choose to see somebody, that's my business at this point in my life. I am slinging no mud about our divorce, but it sounds like somebody is. It's been almost three months since the papers have been filed. I believe we need to move on.<P>I'm sorry that things are not working out in a civil manner. But, if the direction of this Divorce is to tear each other apart, then that's what will happen. I am not prying into your business. I'm hoping only the best for you. I won't forget that you are Cody's mother.<P>It was against my better judgement to write this letter, but things appear to be getting out of hand. Our marriage is over and I'm sorry that it didn't work out. But we need to move on with our lives. I wish things could have been more friendlier. It's time to leave the pain and anger behind. This did not happen overnight. <P>If this comes as a shock, I apologize. I just wanted you to know about some of the garbage I was hearing. I really don't care what people believe they're hearing. It's none of there business. I truly hope things work out for you in the future. It comes and goes all too quickly.</I><P>I'm so sorry for the length of this post! As you can see, I went into an immediate Plan B response a while back to preserve my own sanity and to keep peace in my house (I have physical custody of our son). He has counter filed for custody of our son, presumably based on the fact that I receive regular psychiatric care and medication for a mood disorder I meticulously take care of. He will try to prove me an unfit parent, and my doctor and therapist both believe I am the better parent for our son (plus I've had him this whole time!).<P>I really don't know what my H is talking about in this email out of the blue. I have no idea. I have not seen a soul from his workplace (I used to work there, too), and I have not asked anyone about his private life. I don't know those people any more; I've been gone 6 years. I already know as much as I want to know about his "personal life." I am a virtual shut-in from PTSD that he certainly helped nurture. <P>Guys, what is going on here? He's wrong; we're not divorced by Florida's legal standards. Maybe his peers have found out about his affair and he's not happy about it? You can't keep stuff like that under wraps forever. They've been out in public together, smooching it up in bars and parking lots. <P>If he's gonna start another spate of hate email and harrass me with his convoluted, distorted views of reality, should I notify his superiors? I can't go through this again. My heart is going a mile a minute. When I say this guy is manipulative and mean, I mean dangerously so. We separated last year because our verbal fights were becoming so violent that I thought he was going to beat me up (he had already hit me a few times). He is extremely argumentative and preemptively defensive. He can deflect criticsm and accusations off his chest like superman. An alcoholic, his middle name is Denial. We've been through 5 marriage counselors, folks!! Never had more than 3 meetings with any one of them.<P>Should I write him back and merely say, "I don't know what you're talking about?" Should I ignore it altogether? I mean, he can still get into the house if he wants to. He has taken our son out of the county during visitation without telling me. I understand he's going to do it again, but I have no dates, details, or anything. He has asked our son questions about me like, "Does your mom still go to the psychiatrist?" God, do you know how much that hurts?<P>Tell me what I should do. I can't think straight. I hate it that I still love him. Oh, God I wish I didn't, believe me. I wish this would all go away. I've applied for Social Security, and I'm waiting to hear from that. I have no income; I've been drawing out of my retirement. I'm just emotionally battered, and I'm exhausted. He has no idea how his monetary and emotional deprivation has rendered us. I have done nothing to deserve his rancor. Help me make a dignified choice.<P>And I'm such a nice girl. Please write soon.<P>And here I thought I was getting a nice letter,<BR>Nell<BR>

Nell, calm down ok. Just take some deep breaths.<BR>My best advice to you, as I am really totally unqualified when it comes to divorce and all the proceedings ,is just to for the moment sit tight and give yourself some time to reassess things when you are feeling a little calmer.<BR>It's late there now so you probably won't get many responses until morning.<P>My take on the letter is that he is giving you a warning to just 'back off" or else HE will get nasty.<BR>I do understand where you are coming from but also , to a degree where HE is coming from.<P>Is there some kind of mediator you two could see together to sort out all of the legalities etc of the divorce?<P>Is there someone you could call tonight, now about all of this ?<P>Hang in there ok <BR>

<BR>"Help me make a dignified choice"<P>Nell,<P>It sounds like you are very hurt and confused. Thats understandable.<P>The dignified choice seems to be to forget this guy and start looking after yourself and your child.<P>Dont respond to this email of his. Also dont read to much into it. From the outside it doesnt sound that bad or unreasonable. Thats not to say he is not minipulating you, rather he is very good at it.<P>Nell, I dont often advise moving on, but from what you have described, you need to!<P>As far as financial matters, why isnt he paying child and or spousal support? If he walked out of the marriage then it also appears that he has abandoned you and his child.<P>This is important information in reguards to child custody.<P>Forget the PI, get a good family lawyer.<P>Im sorry Nell, but its truely sounds as if your marriage is over. You need to get done what is best for you and yours.<P>Stop wasting your efforts "loving this guy"! Love yourself, so that you can be the best person possible for your child.<P>I wish you the best!!!!<P>Good luck,<P>Randy <P>PS, What do you write about? Just wondering.<p>[This message has been edited by Randy0220 (edited July 31, 2001).]

Thanks DR,<P>The flight response is now waning. Oh, I hate that feeling. He just scares me so much because he's so irrational through his anger.<P>No, there's no one I can call. My family lives in another state, and their advice to me is to snap out of it and give him the house so I can leave. We are not at the negotiation phase yet. Right now, it is an ugly, contested divorce, to say the least. We had been waiting for weeks for H to get all his mandatory papers in, and they were grossly incomplete. My lawyer was supposed to request H to dig around some more or we will file a subpoena. Also, lawyer was to talk to H's lawyer about not putting our child in the middle by asking personal questions about me, and to give me an itinerary if he takes the boy out of town. <P>OK, he's saying back off, but I don't know from what. I have one friend I have known for 20 years who works with him, but I rarely speak to her. I don't ask about H because I already know what he does at work, and I can predict his social life. Shoot, my son came home and announced today how his dad was going to Daytona with some friends next month. That's nice, I say. His accusation perplexes me. I wonder if he's somehow shot his own foot in the company grapevine, because OW works there. I'm not unknown, especially on the other shift, because I spent 16 years there. I've been gone for 6 or 7 years. This affair has been going on since Feb. (PA), and God knows how long before that emotionally. They go out together in public. He is a serial cheater.<P>I don't know what he's talking about, and I don't know if I WANT to know. The further away I stay from him the better. He <I>is</I> quite nasty. I'd rather pet a pit bull while he's eating. I should be glad he wrote the email, because a personal visit would have been hostile and eratic. His usual MO is to goad me into a fight, but I haven't responded to him, and he hasn't tried until today. He sent a note home with son for me, and last week he sent a note in the mail. Nothing emergent. I did nothing about either of them. They were about money and bills.<P>As soon as he gets his act together, we will have an informal mediation session at my lawyer's office. I have heard his hateful tones what he <I>will</I> agree to, and what he <I>will not</I>. I'm OK with going to court if I have to. He is contesting some major issues that will potentially leave me financially unstable if he gets his way. <P>When this is over, I need to leave this state. His explosive temper threatens to jeopardise my own stability. Maybe I should tell him to direct all future communication to my lawyer through his? Maybe I'll have my lawyer do that. <P>Going to bed now,<BR>Nell

<P>Nell,<P>Here are my humble thoughts on your problems.<P>Your H sounds a lot like my XH. I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I know the pain of it. No matter what you do, it does not seem to be the right thing.<P>I am glad to hear that you have gone to Plan B. It really is your only choice from what you have said.<P>As for the email, I would not respond. It is an attempt to play with your head and it is a threatening email. Remember that Plan B means no contact. I would suggest giving a copy of it to your attorney and ask how your attorney thinks you should respond, if at all.<P>You say that this is a mild email, but there is a definite threat in it. If you do not play the game his way he will punish you. Hang on to it and any others he sends you. <P>I also wonder why you are not getting court ordered child support and maintenance at this time? Your attorney could get an emergency order in for this.<P>Do not contact his superiors. This will definitely look like a vicious attack on him. Would it help you and your son if he were fired, if his career were ruined? If he looses that then he may very well be loosing the one thing that keeps him from crossing the line. I know that was the case with my XH. I knew that as long as he had his career as a physician, he would never cross the line. His career, and his money, mean too much to him. <P>Also, does your attorney say that knowledge of his affair will help you in any way with the divorce? Many states just do not care about this. If it will not help with your divorce case then just drop the PI stuff. I know that having the knowledge will help you emotionally to know that you are right about what is going on. But it is money that you cannot afford at this time.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Randy,<P>Thanks. It is over. He pays the equivalent of child support, but angrily says he will never pay spousal. We'll see. He's been a bad boy with money. Our money.<P>My idea of moving on is to get this D done, and get the hell outta Dodge here. I have no support system, no family here to lean on. Until then, I have to "move on" with my Social Security claim and "move on" packing this house up, child care, going to therapy, seeing the doctors, editing stories, writing my book, etc. Moving on emotionally from a marriage I was very vested in, well, I am right where I should be in the recovery process. To me, saying to "move on" is akin to my parents telling me to "snap out of it." Hey. I know I spin my wheels. I regress; we all do. None of this is easy for anyone, maybe not even for H. Actually, I think I've done rather splendidly in view of the quality of my life the past 14 years. I stay away from H because he has the power to tear me down with just one look or a few words. He is not an average man. He is not an average drunk. He spews hatred and bile, like the time he venomously told me to go marry a priest, or that his lawyer would make me extremely uncomfortable in court over custody. I've been copiously berated and threatened for a very long time. Moving on in this situation is best done running away.<P>The P.I. was done a long time ago, back in late April, early May. I haven't shared that information yet. I thought mediation would be a nice sharing time. That is my bargaining chip, that and his "investments" and credit card statements.<P>And if love were a faucet, I certainly would turn that spigot off, as would most everyone facing divorce, don't you think? It's just not as easy as a command, unfortunately. There is wisdom in suffering, as much as we hate to hurt. And I think most of us come to terms with pain eventually, in our own time. I might be a bit pollyanna in my belief that most folks are doing the best they can with what they have, and if there's something they need, they go get it, sometimes subconsciously.<P>I have dealt with an extremely stressful, tenuous situation for a long time. It's almost over; I can feel it. Need a couple more months, hopefully not more. I just want to survive, then I can do all those "fun" cerebral things to finish out my recovery.<P>I wear a size medium straight-jacket,<BR>Nell

Hi Nell,<P>just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping he'll leave you alone.<P>Take care to not be alone with him, for your sake.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers<P>Jo

Zorweb, you sweetie, you!<P>God bless you all! Nell freaks out and calls out the brigade, and you all come a-flyin'! XXOOXXOO<P>Well, yes, an affair in FL can be helpful in the awarding of alimony. I am going for this, and before all you nice gentlemen accuse me of gouging, (<~~see, I'm smiling) I want you to know I only plan to gouge for a while, until I can get back on my feet. H really mishandles money terribly, especially when using our marital assets to entertain his concubine and building 2 recording studios that are not in legal operation. He would give me 2 or 3 dollars every couple of days on my dresser as my allowance. If I ever had money in my wallet, he took most of it.<P>I really appreciate you picking up on the ominous tone of his transmission. He is insidious in his tactics to manipulate and control. I am afraid of this man, I chit you not. I have saved all his emails, and snail mails, and household notes. I have 5, 3-inch ringed binders filled with evidence, journals, receipts, bills, photographs, and anything else I accumulated these last 3-5 years for my case. This is in addition to all that other mandatory affidavit stuff. I have them in a milk crate, and I can hardly carry it. You should have seen me ripping the house apart looking for all this stuff! I had incriminating evidence in every nook and cranny in this house! Took me two weeks to organize it and slap it together. I paid Kinko's $100 in the process. After my divorce, I have my book practically written (with a humorous tone, of course).<P>Yes, this is a mild email. He was much more toxic a few months ago. Do you know he "broke up" with me by email? I just died. How completely unfair and cowardly. Everything was my fault; he dug up the past and rewrote history. He called me names and accused me of ruining our marriage. He said I was impossible to live with, and on and on.<P>I know Plan B states no contact (I'm there, trust me). On rare occasion, I do need to send a note. I use an index card and write very short, in plain English, no salutations, what I need. Like, I can't pick child up until 3; let me know if this is not convenient; I'll send school supply list next time. That sort of thing. I don't even sign my name. I put it with his mail where he'll see it. Is that OK? Using the lawyer would be expensive, and my friend works with him.<P>When I talk to my friend next, should I ask her if anything transpired to upset H so? Or fuhgetaboutit? I really think someone might have found out about his affair, and he's so pissed about it he's blaming me. (Come on--hospital grapevine grows like spanish moss.) Cuz, I don't care what he does. Maybe he's upset I haven't responded to his long notes this week? Ya think he misses me [batting eyelashes]?<P>Thank you for the advice about not notifying his superior and not responding to his email. Thank you so much. I think you are wise. Z, I do not as much as look at him when he picks up/drops off child at the mall. Nope, I do not approach the car when he pulls up (child is a strappin' 10yo). <P>Most of all, thank you for reading my plea and responding. You are a peach! You are all peaches! I am grateful that, if I can't have my real family with me, I have my cyberbuds!<P>XXOOXXOO,<BR>Nell

Nell,<P>Thanks for the kind words. I really need them tonight.<BR> <BR>Sounds like you’ve done a good job of putting together the information you need to back you up. I did the same thing. <P>It will help you. You said that your H has access to your home. My advice is that you photocopy it all and keep an extra copy in a safe place. <P>RE: Everything was my fault; he dug up the past and rewrote history. He called me names and accused me of ruining our marriage. He said I was impossible to live with, and on and on. <P>It is so hurtful to be attacked like this. Do not take it to heart, as you know that both spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage. So his accusations are ridiculous. I assume that you have done a good Plan A and have come to terms with your part of the marriage. This work you did will help keep you focused. It is a shame that your H is still carrying around so much anger and bitterness. <P>Your short notes are a very good idea. I did and still do a lot of that and it really helped keep things from getting out of hand. Otherwise I find that I try to explain myself, etc. And when I do that every word I use is misunderstood. <P>RE: When I talk to my friend next, should I ask her if anything transpired to upset H so? Or fuhgetaboutit? <P>Just “fuhgetaboutit”. By doing this you will stop the gossip from continuing. This will basically kill that “grapevine” by starving it. Of course he’s upset that you have not responded. He is used to controlling you with his manipulations. He has lost that control and is scared.<P>Night,<P>Z <P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Nell,<BR>I read through this thread and just wanted to add in my 2 cesnt's worth. First, I'm glad you're a little calmer now--I know what it's like dealing with an explosive person (my first H was a doozy). The best thing for you to do is to memorize this phrase: "Talk to my lawyer", IF your H should verbally contact you.<P>Save all emails he sent you, which I'm sure you've alreay done, but do NOT repsond to them. Put nothing in writing, Nell. Do not initiate a phone call, either. Get yourself a little tape recorder (if financially possible) and warn him ahead of time that 'I am taping your call'. This way, it will be legal and admissible in court. IF he should call you, and starts giving you the third degree, just simply say, "Talk to my lawyer." Do not argue with him, or answer any of his accusations. By your silence, he will know you are very, very serious. It will scare him to death and after a bit more of his abusive verbage, he will get discouraged and hang up. <P>How do I know? Because you are right: he is a coward. Most bullies are cowards, and like my first H, yours is the typical bully. As long as you mix it up with them, they will continue to badger in hopes of manipulating you. If you remain stone quiet, they have no choice but to give up. You always have the option of just hanging up on him, too.<P>It's my guess that he found out somehow that you hired a PI, or fears that you did. Getting ready to go into divorce court, this probably caused his shorts to change color! Of course he will try to bully you into telling him for sure--but you remain dead quiet. It's your best move, Nell. <P>I'm so sorry for your pain and that you still love him. Know that in time, that too shall pass and you will look back and wonder how on earth you ever could have loved someone so cruel and cowardly. <P>You'll get through this, Nell. Divorce is war and you need to toughen yourself up like steel. Just keep in mind that he does not have your best interests in mind at all, and it will get easier for you.<P>Good luck...God bless!<P>Winny

I just love you people! You guys are the best, you really are. H can make it difficult for me to control my bipolar disorder and major depression. I received these diagnoses (and others) 10 years into our marriage. While I admit I had them my whole life, they were never so exacerbated as when I tried to deal with the acute frustrations of my marriage. I feel if I can get past all this to a better place, my dependence on medication and the mental health system will diminish. <P><B>Zorweb</B>, I don't know if I did a good plan A or if I'm doing a good plan B. I guess I did, but they occurred before I discovered MB. For months, H and I sent notes and letters back and forth and tried desperately to pump good feelings into our marriage. H believed he could "change" while retaining his vices from the past that contributed to our downfall. I went blindly through many of his smoke screens until realizing conditions would only deteriorate to past abusive states if I returned to this man. His fury at me not accepting him back into the fold with his addictions prompted him to run amok emotionally and socially. Of course, he initiated this long before making an official rejection of me by email. I know, good riddance. I'm not sorry our marriage ended, but did he have to stomp all over me in the process? Apparently so. It seems as soon as I begin to hold my head up, he comes along and squashes it back down. I'm weary of being vilified.<P>As for the 2 plans, they occurred very spontaneously, and without formal letters introducing my intentions. I think I really did try to fill his love buckets, and he always said he thought things were going great between us. My requests would either be rejected or only partially met according to what he wanted to do. I could not get him to understand that it was OK to give unto your spouse what they needed. He felt that every issue had to be debated with delineated compromises. Constantly. My growing unhappiness and frustration at feeling controlled and not having my needs met took its toll once again. This usually inspired a burst of violent anger from my H, accusing me of not being capable of happiness as he would "never be good enough" to meet my needs. It was so confusing to be treated so badly by someone who said he loved me. With respect to B, it seemed to be best to just do it and let him figure it out due to the danger and urgency of my situation. So, that's where I am now.<P>He assumes I have no social life and that I feel he should not have one either. I have not spoken to him in almost 3 months. The hurtful thing is, I don't have a social life, yet. I took myself out to dinner Sunday night, a big step for me, who is afraid to leave the house. I have no men callers, and I am nowhere near ready for that, but I hope to be one day. The last thing I wanted to do was bridge the end of my marriage with an exit affair, truly a devastating blow to my ego that he already had something lined up. And with his stubborness at reaching a settlement, well, the cruelty never seems to end.<P><B>Bonnet</B>, thank you so much for your kindness. Knowing I'm in your prayers indeed brings me great comfort. I don't plan to ever be alone with this man again, for that is when he does his evil so no one else can see it. It makes denial all the more credible with no witnesses, too.<P><B>Winnie</B>, I'm not sure he knows about the P.I. The first affair he had in '98, I told him I had hired an affair so he would confess to me. It worked. I eventually told him the truth, that I had not hired one, but he believed for a long time I did. He later knew I used spy software in the computer to catch him having cybersex with gay and bisexual men from chat room based in our geographic area. That discovery was worse than the PA''s he had with women. Talk about devastation. Thank you very much for your advice. I had been thinking about the recorder device, but he only calls our son any more. I deeply appreciate your validation of my feelings. For so long I've been told I was off base that it affected my emotional well-being. You're right, I'm trying to "toughen up," or at least look like I am.<P>God bless you all,<BR>Nell

I just love you people! You guys are the best, you really are. H can make it difficult for me to control my bipolar disorder and major depression. I received these diagnoses (and others) 10 years into our marriage. While I admit I had them my whole life, they were never so exacerbated as when I tried to deal with the acute frustrations of my marriage. I feel if I can get past all this to a better place, my dependence on medication and the mental health system will diminish. <P><B>Zorweb</B>, I don't know if I did a good plan A or if I'm doing a good plan B. I guess I did, but they occurred before I discovered MB. For months, H and I sent notes and letters back and forth and tried desperately to pump good feelings into our marriage. H believed he could "change" while retaining his vices from the past that contributed to our downfall. I went blindly through many of his smoke screens until realizing conditions would only deteriorate to past abusive states if I returned to this man. His fury at me not accepting him back into the fold with his addictions prompted him to run amok emotionally and socially. Of course, he initiated this long before making an official rejection of me by email. I know, good riddance. I'm not sorry our marriage ended, but did he have to stomp all over me in the process? Apparently so. It seems as soon as I begin to hold my head up, he comes along and squashes it back down. I'm weary of being vilified.<P>As for the 2 plans, they occurred very spontaneously, and without formal letters introducing my intentions. I think I really did try to fill his love buckets, and he always said he thought things were going great between us. My requests would either be rejected or only partially met according to what he wanted to do. I could not get him to understand that it was OK to give unto your spouse what they needed. He felt that every issue had to be debated with delineated compromises. Constantly. My growing unhappiness and frustration at feeling controlled and not having my needs met took its toll once again. This usually inspired a burst of violent anger from my H, accusing me of not being capable of happiness as he would "never be good enough" to meet my needs. It was so confusing to be treated so badly by someone who said he loved me. With respect to B, it seemed to be best to just do it and let him figure it out due to the danger and urgency of my situation. So, that's where I am now.<P>He assumes I have no social life and that I feel he should not have one either. I have not spoken to him in almost 3 months. The hurtful thing is, I don't have a social life, yet. I took myself out to dinner Sunday night, a big step for me, who is afraid to leave the house. I have no men callers, and I am nowhere near ready for that, but I hope to be one day. The last thing I wanted to do was bridge the end of my marriage with an exit affair, truly a devastating blow to my ego that he already had something lined up. And with his stubborness at reaching a settlement, well, the cruelty never seems to end.<P><B>Bonnet</B>, thank you so much for your kindness. Knowing I'm in your prayers indeed brings me great comfort. I don't plan to ever be alone with this man again, for that is when he does his evil so no one else can see it. It makes denial all the more credible with no witnesses, too.<P><B>Winnie</B>, I'm not sure he knows about the P.I. The first affair he had in '98, I told him I had hired an affair so he would confess to me. It worked. I eventually told him the truth, that I had not hired one, but he believed for a long time I did. He later knew I used spy software in the computer to catch him having cybersex with gay and bisexual men from chat room based in our geographic area. That discovery was worse than the PA''s he had with women. Talk about devastation. Thank you very much for your advice. I had been thinking about the recorder device, but he only calls our son any more. I deeply appreciate your validation of my feelings. For so long I've been told I was off base that it affected my emotional well-being. You're right, I'm trying to "toughen up," or at least look like I am.<P>God bless you all,<BR>Nell

Nell, just popped in to see how you are doing. <BR>Glad to hear you sounding less in a panic and more in control of your thoughts and intended actions in regards to that disturbing email.<P>What kind of book are you writing ? You certainly have a way with words