Dear K,<P>This is by far the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with in my life. I could never have imagined anything like it. I just think back to the beginning when things were so new and fresh. Going to the gym, singing in the car, going to the ‘bury and TN. Like Deana Carter said we so “in Love.” When people first meet there is that magical feeling they get and it makes them feel so good. It consumes them to the point where they can’t think of anything else and that is what happened to us. Over time, that ‘feeling’ wears off and two people start to see things that they never noticed before some good some bad. Things start to surface that the other person never realized. Why do they surface then? Who knows. What makes them surface? Events of their past? Probably. When the feeling was so strong, we looked over these things. It doesn’t matter who they are this is inevitable. It always happens in time, the newness wears off and we are faced with reality. I never thought that our relationship would get to the point where it is now. I regret many things K, but I do not regret ever saying “I do” to you on June 6, 1998. Sure, it was a quick romance but we were so in love we new it was right. That was the happiest day of my life. I regret traveling more, I regret not listening to you, I regret trying to get my way, I regret that I created an environment where you felt like you could not open up to me and tell me year feelings. <BR>I know right now, you have many things that you can bring up about our past that you didn’t like and I guess that is all that you are letting yourself think about. Maybe it’s better emotionally for you to do that I don’t know, but I would just ask you to not forget about the good times, because they by far outweigh the bad. Maybe you do not see that now, but you can’t deny it forever.<BR>All these things that I regret lead you to go astray and do things that I know you never had any intention of doing. I know you are very confused right now about what your feelings for me are and I understand. Why have you made the decisions you have? hopefully you will be able to find the answers. I guess over the last several months, you have been in a fog because you have feelings for two people. I have faced the fact that this is true, I do not like it but it is the truth, whether you admit it to me and or yourself or not. You know that I am hurting badly and you had no intentions of hurting me. I wish I had not found out about anything, who knows what would have happened. I guess that when you started to feel something for him, then you made yourself start thinking about all the bad things I our relationship, maybe this was your way of justifying your actions, who knows. I just think about all the other people involved, his family. There is a part of me that feels I have a moral obligation to tell what I know to be true, but do I really want to put another human being through the heart wrenching pain I have had to endure over the last 5 weeks. Would you want to know if the tables were turned? I know that this is not the first time that he has done this, he may tell you that but I know now that is untrue. I hope you realize that he has no intentions for you other than physical. On the other hand, you have a husband that cares for you more than anything else in this world and if his love can endure all of this, it is stronger than you could ever imagine. I know you think that I have changed and I’m not the same person that you married and I agree, neither one of us are the same. But this does not mean that our marriage should be over. People change everyday. Right now it may appear that we are so incompatible, that this marriage will never work out, but in 2 months we may see changes in us that make us wonder why we ever went through this mess. I want you to know that I really want to to work on our marriage, it can be done K, but it takes two. The rate of divorce in the US is 50% on first marriages, 70% on second and third marriages are even higher. I do not want to be another statistic; I want to be a testimony! I cannot make you try to work it out and can only ask that you please ask yourself, if you try and it works we will have a stronger and better marriage than ever before. If it doesn’t work then we both can continue life with no regrets of what could have been if we would have tried. K, please try with me, let’s don’t let God down, our family and most of all ourselves! <BR>I love you always and forever! G<BR>

gdc<P>I can't really comment on whether to send the letter to your W. You know your situation better than me or anyone here. <P>I do think, however, that if you are only five weeks into this that there are a lot of things swirling in your mind and hers that might sort out on their own.<P>I would like to suggest you look at the book "The Truth About Love" by Patrica Love. It talks about the stages of love similar to what you have referenced at the beginning of your post. It also talks about how to get thru these stages without losing your partner... <P>You can see the reviews of the book at amazon.com, just put in a search for the book or author. I think it might put some things into perspecticve for you.<P>I understand where you are at five weeks and I know how difficult this is. But, continue on the path you have chosen and as hard as it might be, work with your wife as much as she will let you. <P>You are right, you can't "make" her do anything...but you can improve yourself and you can help her see that the relationship is worth working to save.<P>good luck <P>E

Hi gdc,<P>I don't know what constitutes a good Plan A letter (I assume this is your intent?). From a writer's standpoint, I think I would shorten it. Use as few words as necessary to get your ideas across. You need the visual spacing of paragraphs so your reader will not be overwhelmed by so much text at once. Keep one main thought in each paragraph and expand upon it. Personally, I would refrain from negative words as "regret" and "not." You start out very well using predominantly "I" statements, but then around the middle, they turn to "you" statements. "You" statements will shut your reader down cerebrally with defensive feelings. "I" statements are safe and keep the reader more interested (especially with matters of the heart). I would probably avoid making statements that might appear judgmental, desperate, or lecturing. Soften it with loving respect for what she's doing, no matter how much it hurts you to do that. Bottom line--you want her to read it, treasure it, and think very fond thoughts of you afterward.<P>Blessings,<BR>Nell

Thanks Elad and Nell for responding. I will look at it change some things then decide if I should send or not. Why can't we all just be adults and why can't two spouses have an adult conversation???

"I know this isnt the first time he did this, he may tell you that but it is untrue"<P>"I hope you realize that he has no intentions for you other than physical"<P>DO NOT SAY THIS.<P>I know you feel as though you are fighting for yourself and your position but how can you assume to know what is between them? And how demeaning and disrespectful towards her. You are only putting her in the position of defending him against you.<P>All the good things you have said up to that point would be lost.

gdc,<BR>What a heartfelt letter, for sure! Bless you.<P>I worked and re-worked my first letter for about 2 months before I sent it. That may be too long . BUt I definitely think it will help you to work on it each day for several days. You know, put it down, and come back to it the next day and read with a fresh perspective. <P>I like the suggestions you've gotten so far. Also, be sure you're not preaching or teaching <<<Faith1 ducking>>>> don't hit me!! . I know, it's hard. We want to get through the fog, don't we???!!! But she needs to see any positive changes that she wants to see from you, and see that you love her and trust her judgment and ability to reason, and trust her ability to know the difference between right and wrong. (I read about this last night - disrespectful judgments - in Love BUsters - hit me right between the eyes! :rolleyes ugh!! )<P>hang in there. You're doing great. Keep on the A-Train! (My new phrase - like it? ) ) I think I'm losing my mind....<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 01, 2001).]