Thanks to everyone that takes the time to help.<P>I NEED ADVICE PLEASE!!!<P>I am in Plan A and am seriously considering Plan B for the following reasons (we sep Feb, I filed May, he's been living with OW on/off since April, started MB June with him and he decided to stop because Steve was too focused on the marriage and not on him):<BR>*H wants nothing to do with me. Won't see me (we were separated before I even knew about A and MB) unless it's a forced situation. Won't respond to any of my e-mails. Has said that he thinks divorce is best option to stop the pain(I filed on May 16th before I knew about MB.)<BR>*H is seeing psych that says he made bad decision to marry me and that he needs to create new decision model to evaluate relationships (our marriage probably won't pass this new model)<BR>*I was doing ok at not LBing for first few weeks of Plan A (been in Plan A about a month) and last few times I LB'd even with the best intentions--my husband's anger and verbal abuse, e.g., "you never met my needs during our 4 year marriage and OW met them immediately. Why should I give you a chance?", "I hate you!"--I can't seem to react well to his constant barrage of insults and extreme anger and hatred towards me (yes, I have read info SAA and infor on LB's--even filled out questionnaire from H viewpoint)<BR>*I confronted H with OW last night at a restaurant. He told me that he was not going to see OW until he finished with psych and made final decison as to who he wants. I said to him that it looked like he had made his decision and he nodded his head. I think that he felt relieved and is hoping that I will stop trying to save our marriage. How do I go back to Plan A with such an inconsistency in my actions? <BR>*I am experiencing a lot of anxiety.<P>Please help me!!!<P>Thanks!<P>DMSFC<P>

Wow, <P>I can really empathise--going through pretty much the same thing in my life--tho we have been married 21 years.<P>I am pretty new here too and I am sure you will get more help from some of the more experienced people--but I will try. <P>In plan A you want to create a safe environment for your spouse to come back to. Work on being the best you can be. You can't nor should you want to try to control your spouse. He has to choose his own way. But you can work on you and perhaps improving the emotional needs that were lacking in your relationship. Hard to do tho...I wasn't very good at it.<P>You should enter plan B when you just can't Plan A and longer and you have to protect what love you have left for your spouse. There are many posts here that describe how to write and implement a great Plan B. <P>Rejection is such a hard emotion...I really feel for you. Hopefully, you will be able to find help at this site and also much love and support. Keep posting and tell us how it is going.

DMFSC - misserynMO had good advice. I'll add a few recommendations.<P>1. Take care of yourself. If you're having anxiety - which would be completely expected for someone in your situation - see a doctor about depression. Until your emotions can be stabilized a bit, your plan A probably won't be without LBs.<P>2. I imagine you filed for divorce because your emotions directed this response. It's pretty clear you don't really want a divorce, so consider stopping the process, or a least put it on hold and make sure your H knows this. At the same time, consult your attorney how best to protect yourself.<P>3. Don't confront him anymore. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate them. Plan A is to enable you to make it easy for him to come back.<P>Since you've already consulted Steve, please continue to do so alone. Ask Steve his candid assessment. I'll bet your H's statement that Steve was focused too much on the marriage, not him was uncomfortable to him because he doesn't want to face the tough issues. But if it's true your H sincerely believes he needs help, encourage him to seek it elsewhere. Any port in a storm, here. BUT, don't be surprised if his apparent "self criticism" is a smoke screen to hold you off and to eventually manufacture an "evaluation" that you and he are bad for each other, thus, he "needs" OW.<P>Are there children involved?<P>WAT

Thanks for your input. There are no children, which is why Steve is holding out much hope. I did file based on emotions, and I have not pursued any legal actions recently except pre-divorce spousal support which has made him extremely angry, as he thinks that he should pay no more than the regular bills. He says that everything is his, as he makes a significant amount more money than me. We have a court date for support at the end of September. I have thought about withdrawing my petition to force my husband to file himself, but even Steve said to let the divorce clock continue to tick. I think that my H hasn't pushed the divorce through because he is afraid of the financial implications. He is happy that the clock is ticking on the divorce. I'm torn about what to do--how do I demonstrate change when he wants nothing to do with me?

Follow Steve's advice.<P>You can't demonstrate your chnges other than to stop doing things you shouldn't - like confronting him or following him around. There will be the required interaction as you progress thru the legal stuff - just make sure you don't LB during those times and take the opportunity to make the demonstrations you can make, then.<P>WAT

Hi, <P>Just a quick one. Read up on all the info on this site. Take the emotional needs questionnaire and for right now take note of your H's words but don't make any life altering decisions. <P>For me, I would pull back the divorce paperwork, research, study, continue your counseling and work on bettering yourself. When you deal with your H, act like you are in plan A. Be nice & cordial to him. Nothing sets off a manipulative OW worse than a nice wife!!!! <P>But that is hard for most of us to do. Remember we know what our H's are really like and they are only showing the friendly side to the OW, but the OW is also getting the benefits that rightly belong to a married couple (you and your H). This is not right and hereby your anger and frustration is justified. However, it is not healthy for your and your marriage. Now what do you do? <P>Life is handing you lemons. Go make lemonade. Plan A when dealing with your H, prepare yourself as suggested above. Work at this as if your marriage depends on it because it does. See a doctor for depression. Be aware of anxiety attacks. IMPORTANT: Know that you can not control your H's actions. OW probably will not listen to you. <P>You have no idea of the picture your H has painted about you to the OW. So in a sense OW may have been misled and her actions could be based on misinformation. So before you want to go and take out your anger on her, realize the whole picture. You probably don't have all the facts yet. Realize that and work from there. <P>Keep them on their toes (H & OW), you get control of yourself. It will take a while and even though you know what you should be doing, your emotions may not be ready for it. Don't beat yourself up, just keep venting here. That is what happens to most of us. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

When you say that I should pull back the divorce, do you mean that I should pull my petition and go for spousal support during our separation? I did not say anything to the OW except "hello, I'm Joe's wife." I have no desire to see or say anything to her again. During my part of Plan A, do I only communicate with him when something forces us to communicate? Prior to the confrontation, I was sending him "thinking about you" e-mails. Should those stop now that I told him that it looked like he made his decision to be with her when I saw him?

No - don't stop those gestures. Treat him as if OW doesn't exist. Communicate with him as much as you can without making him feel smothered causing him to retreat. The way you do this is to feel your way and back off a little when you detect from him that you're comminicating too much.<P>As for the legal stuff, follow Steve's advice consistent with your attorney's advice. Be open with your attorney about Steve's advice. There may be contradictions that need to be aired out. Make it a coordinated effort. They work for you.<P>WAT

Hi, <P>Wat's right. That man usually is..... To pull back your petition for D is my opinion. Re: My H threatened D and so did many others. Some actually do it, others threaten. My H ended up saying he wanted to work on his marriage and that D stuff was too hard. Crazy or what? I was ready, papers in hand. Did my research and even picked out a lawyer. Hm...... Yet I was not going to be the one to initiate the D. I was not going to make it easy for H to leave. Why? That is what OW wanted more than both H & I and I was not going to work for her interests. <P>You need to understand that all cases are unique in a sense. In my case, OW gave H all the quickie D sites. She helped him a lot. H doesn't think so but I know better. What do you call a person who outlines the steps necessary for a quick and cheap divorce, tells H where to stay in the meantime (she was still married), outlines their living arrangements and how to treat his family when they begin living together? It is all in the e-mail. Not left up to my interpretation. <P>Best advice? Check it out with Steve. <P>JMHO. <BR>L.<BR>

Hi WAT,<P>Let me give you more background on what happened recently. My H has been seeing a psych that supposedly told him that he has been sick for years and shoud not have gotten married to me. My H said that he was not going to nteract with OW or me until he worked through this process and could make a rational decision (even though I fled, I told him that I would push the divorce through until he made up his mind.) My H has told me the last few times that we spoke that he can not make a decision at this time, given his "mental illness", although he is happy that the clock is ticking for our divorce and it might be the best outcome to stop the pain. I saw him with OW the other night and confronted them. This is what happened: I waled up to them and calmly said "What a cruel coincidence this is. I thought you (H) were going to take time off from everyone until you could make a rational decision. I guess you made your decision." To which he nodded his head. Then I turned to her and said "Hello, I'm his wife." I told my friend that I suddenly lost my appetite and told them to enjoy their dinner. I left. I believe that my H was telling me that he had made his decision and is expecting me to move forward with the divorce. How do I go back to sending friendly e-mails and pretend that none of that happened. Do I pull my peition for the divorce to show him that I am waiting for him to go through with his decision to be with her? Is he going to think that I am wacky if I continue on as though nothing happened?

Thanks for your replies. Your advice as well as Steve's counsel encouraged me to stay in Plan A for now. Steve told me to keep e-mailing my H (since he doesn't want any contact with me) and to not mention the confrontation. He also told me to not move the D further, and given the fact that my H and the OW were so ashamed when they saw me makes Steve believe that this A will end soon. He thinks that there is a lot of pressure on them, which will turn them against each other soon. He also said not to worry about my H coming to me and saying that he wants a D now. He said that it probably will reflect his anger at the confrontation and his ever waffling feelings. He coached me on shutting down any verbal abuse that might come my way, saying that if I shut it down, it will be taken out on her, which will help ruin their relationship. So, I sent an e-mail today (thinking about you) even though it was tough. Haven't gotten a response of course. <BR>Thank God for MB, all the people who reach out to others on this web sight, and faith in God!<P>

Hi,<P>You sound more composed. Those A's really can send us realing. No wonder it's called a roller coaster ride. <P>Now you know who and what OW is. Let it be. Hard, I know but necessary. Let your H spew all the garbage talk he wants. Was he always like this or is this his new personality? If it is out of character for him to act this way, then watch the actions more than the words. Both may hurt but the actions are more truthful. <P>Listen to Steve. For me, when the WS talked about D, I told him, if that's what he wanted to go ahead. I did not help the process. Well, he never did and now he called to say he wants to come home. Just got off the phone with H. OW in the background saying take him home. Hmmmmph..... not sure if I want him now. We will see. H even wanted me to talk to OW, I said, no don't want to speak to someone of her low moral character. Just don't want OW in my life. That is where all my energy is settling now. <P>Use the time to better yourself. Like you I wanted to contact H all the time. Not always a good idea. Makes you seem too accessible and in this crazy state they think they can use you even more. It is a cruel game they play. Don't be his pawn. <P>Study up and read. You will be in a much better position when he starts to act reasonable. <P>Take Care and keep posting. We understand. Much of what is being said is easy to say but hard to do. But it is worth the effort, if not for our marriage, definitely for our own self improvement. <P>L. <P>

Hi L.,<P>Thanks for your post. H was verbally abusive in M, so the only difference is in the level and strength of verbal abuse. I asked Steve H. if MB addresses this type of behavior. He said yes. Steve told me to break off any conversations that get abusive so that H will take it out on OW instead of me, causing the affair to lose deposits. H family (father and uncles) have huge history of verbal abuse. What do you think about that? What does that say about his actions? Haven't heard anything since the confrontation with H and OW. I have been expecting a retaliation of "I really want a divorce now." He is strangely silent even though I e-mailed him a "thinking of you" note and voice mail about a money matter. Why the silence?