OK, I'm working on a theory of mine right now and am curious. I'd like to do a little survey from those males on this board whose wives cheated on them. My question goes something like this:<P>Would you consider yourself an Alpha-male? What I mean by this is, are you the center of your peer group, do decisions come quickly and easily, do you take charge in the relationship, what was your confidence level prior to the affair?<P>I know that there will be a social desirability bias here, meaning that those that are will likely be the ones to answer, but I'm really looking for a cross section. <P>I'll go first. Looking back, I would say that when we first got together, I was an alpha-male, but over time, she took the reins in the relationship.<P>Anyone else out there have comments to share? Thanks!<P>And, of course, all the best.

Redon,<P>Thought I'd lend a helpful example of what an "Alpha" male is in animal life. <P>When you observe a litter of puppies, the Alpha Male is the male that dominates the other male pups. He has preference in nursing, sleeping arrangements and in play, he is the dominant playmate. He is not necessarliy bigger or stronger.<P>Just helping ... lol <P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 05, 2001).]

I'm not an alpha male.<P>My confidence level at the time of the EA was at an all time low due to MLC issues. The EA was actually a timely distraction so that I didn't have to deal with those MLC issues. I wonder sometimes if I actually gave W lot's of space to pursue the EA for that reason.<P>--Jeffers

Definitely not an alpha male. Never have been

Absolutely not!! Our therapist has said over and over that my W has defined our marriage and that I need to be more assertive. As for my confidence, prior to the A I was very sure of myself. After the A, I now lack any self confidence whatsoever.<P>S&C

Redon,<BR>Sorry another male BS that blows the theory. Like others I feel my confidence was low when the affair began, perhaps this effected how I came across to my wife, and could have been a reason why she decided to look elsewhere.<P>I wouldn't say that she controlled the relationship, but she certainly had gained in confidence before A began.<P>I would say my confidence levels are now starting to rise.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Redon:<BR><B>Would you consider yourself an Alpha-male? What I mean by this is, are you the center of your peer group, do decisions come quickly and easily, do you take charge in the relationship, what was your confidence level prior to the affair?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have been an Alpha in my career, and I hated it, so now I've moved from management to just one of the guys. I feel 110% better for doing so. In our relationship I wasn't at all. My wife took care of all the decision making. <P>My confidence in my work was sky high, even though I hated my job. My confidence in the relationship was on the way down, because I was just in so much pain and it was evident that my wife was as well. I just never could ask why she was or explain why I was. That lowered my confidence considerably.<P>

Interesting replies. Thanks. Actually, my theory is that women are less likely to cheat on an 'alpha male'. And judging by the replies so far, it would appear as though this isn't too far off. Anyone else care to comment?

Hi good buddy!<P>I don't think I'm an alpha. I have been in the past, when I was younger I think... I can remember being conscious of the fact that when I would go out, I would sort of be the one making everyone laugh... the center of attention.<P>For some reason, I haven't been that way in a LONG time... even before I met my W... I sometimes wonder why I changed and sort of miss being that way... I somehow over the years developed an automatic contempt for people who are in the spotlight... I always feel like they're just attention-starved and just have to put themselves there... Maybe I'm jealous... maybe I am thinking back on my past behavior and thinking, "Was I like THAT?" I dunno...<P>I think your theory is a good one. Talk to you soon, friend.<P>zen

Redon,<P>What I would say is that 'in general' women do seem to be attracted to confident men. The trouble for us is that feminism has done us in. It tells us to 'get in touch' and show our feelings and be sensitive. So we let this confuse us, get all wet and then the women go 'urgh, isn't he pathetic'. And they stop finding us attractive.<P>The next confident guy who comes along that fits the bill of being attractive picks-up where we were. <P>

Freddy, bingo my man, bingo.<P>[Redon dons his fire protective clothing]<P>I believe that a balance is what we should all strive for. Woman tell us that they want a sensitive, caring guy, and on some level they do, but they also want a confident 'alpha' male. I think it's a detriment to show one side of ourselves at the expense of the other. My theory is that most of us probably lost the alpha side somewhere along the way. We became nice guys.... and got walked on. No I don't pretend that it's nearly that simple, but I propose that it was a contributing factor.<P>Does Plan A leave any room for an alpha? No, does Plan B? You bet. Any comments?

Redon,<P>In my book, Plan A means a lot of things but I'm finding that I can discuss what I find to be acceptable behaviour and I can negotiate. What Plan A does mean is avoidance of judgements, bursts of anger and the like when I'm doing this. <P>I'm rebuilding my confidence and my trust in her. And interestingly she's not seeing me as her personal doormat.<P>