I am currently in recovery sort of, H has stopped talking with ow, but in practicing honesty I now know (last couple days) the A was pa too. I had really wanted to believe his big fat lie that it was ea only. How do you deal with this, I want to make it work and it goes fine, then boom suddenly I hate his guts and want to kill the ow and have awful images I can't get out of my mind. H is patient, but I don't want to be like this. Also I am having some trouble with his honesty, I don't trust him, he said there was no intercourse, but I don't believe him, but I want to believe him. He said he is telling me the truth now, or just not saying anything at all. I sort of believe him cause he won't tell me the details of the sex (says I am not ready, and I do get pretty upset, so we will talk more with jennifer first), just admitted to being naked together (he calls it unclothed). <P>Now so many things trigger me, driving past a motel, her name, sex topics, intimacy topics, reading these boards is continuous triggers, religion, our dog (cause he told me about her dog), so many things, and often no warning, I just burst into tears and get despairing. He is patient and says is ok, but I feel patronized sometimes and makes me feel worse cause feel is phoney and this is all hopeless. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. I spent last 5 months recovering from the revelation of ea, now I must start all over, it just is not fair. He should suffer too, and ow should suffer big time, I am afraid I would hurt her if she were within reach. I intend to tell her she is a whore next time I talk to her, it is her 2nd affair, she has no excuses. H asked me not to be vindictive or hurtful, says it is no good for me or her, but I don't care, and it makes me mad when he asks, cause I feel he is protecting her. He says he is not, that he will not hold it against me, just thinks it serves only satan to be vindictive. He does tell me (honestly) that he cares about her, even though he understands and agrees with need to seperate, and I have a hard time with that too. I have no one to talk to, do not want to involve friends and relatives, and they don't really understand anyways. My H said sometimes folks here will talk with each other, if someone (female bs) with similar circumstances would like to talk, I would like to try that..... my email for initial contact is Tazziblack@hotmail.com My H is sad_n_lonely.<p>[This message has been edited by thinker (edited August 06, 2001).]

Hey Thinker,<P>You have mail .<P>Cali

Ditto. <P>Are you going to get in trouble for talking with me? You know how manipulative, controlling and agressive I can be. <P><BR>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 06, 2001).]

And more mail!!

And you are going to get some from me, too. I can understand a lot of what you are saying.