Some addicts need to "hit bottom" before a recovery plan can be effective. As I read your story, images filled my mind that gave me great pause. I see you desperate to know the truth of your husband's sexual experiences, and he seems desperate to secretly maintain them despite your displeasure. I see some manipulation behaviors from both of you, but of course, your husband's actions give greater cause for alarm.<P>Sometimes we are so personally involved in a situation that we cannot be objective about the issues. I have the feeling you and your husband may have other great needs in your marriage as well. I also sense much love and devotion that have become misdirected and distorted through the years. <P>Perhaps the mere presence of each other is an antagonizing factor at this time. Separating into two homes while sorting out the problems may be in order. Then again, maybe you can stay together and work on this, I don't know. It would take tremendous discipline to stay out of each other's way while you both recenter yourselves with respect to your marriage. A marital counselor can be helpful in assisting you with boundaries and limits, then guiding you and your husband to resolution.<P>I too feel put off by pornography, and my husband is a sex addict (among other things). It bothers me that he has much more than a superficial fascination with women and men, both clothed and nude. This was kept secret from me, just as his bisexuality, cybersex, group sex, threesomes, emotional affairs, and physical affairs were kept secret. 14 years ago, I had no inkling of his penchant for "erotica." It was most hurtful he never shared this propensity with me. He is now in another affair, we are in the middle of a bitter divorce, and my pain is immense.<P>Nell

Bernzini<BR>By the sounds of your last post you're doing exactly what you don't want him to do, going someplace on the net and then hiding it from him by erasing it all. I would seriously rethink that. You want him to be honest with you about the where's and why's of his internet use then you can't hide from the where's and why's of your internet use to him.<BR>You need to be completely honest with him if you're ever going to expect him to be completely honest with you. Explain you reasons for coming here, how you find moral support, someone objective who doesn't know either of you to talk to, how you get idea's on improving your marriage from people here, but don't lie about it, that doesn't make your pc use any different then his in his eyes I"m sure.<BR>Again, no offense intended!

B:<P>First of all, he (and you) must understand: in a marriage, within the rule of honesty (radical honesty), there is no "privacy" and thus, no secrets, within a marriage.<P>This common misconception (spouses "having their space", i.e., privacy) allows an environment where secrets are kept. That, within the framework of radical honesty, is a huge no-no.<P>Without complete honesty, any relationship is then built upon the shifting sands of half-truths, "white" lies, and deceptions.<P>It comes down to the emotional need for honesty, doesn't it? Zorweb and I found 007Starr (http://www.ioPus.com) to be a big boon in the computer-use aspect of radical honesty. We have access to each other's computers, and we both have access to 007Starr. We can monitor each other's computer use.<P>As for the rest of it: we practice honesty every day, trying to provide each other a caring, protected environment in which to do so.<P>Wrestle with recovering the marriage, not with each other. Huge LB there, B. If a situation escalates to that point, you have the answer already, right? He is/was hiding something, no further proof is required, so it isn't worth getting physical over.<P>So, time to take a deep breath and get back on the Plan A track, right?<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Ma Cheri,<P>You have recieved some good councel on this thread...<P>As you know I know all about addiction...the action is just a symptom of the disease...Addiction is <B>cunning, baffling and powerful</B> liying is just another symptom of it...<P>You know the rest of what I'm going to say from our corrispondances...just know that whatever you decide to about the situation is totaly in your control and you are not crazy for thinking the things you do no matter what he says to you....It isn't about you, it is about him...<P>G

Dear Berzini,<P>How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while. Please let us know how you are doing. <P>Thinking about you.....<P>L.

Je suis desolee. . .<P>I have had trouble getting through, I don't know, because of maybe the distance I am from you guys or because the forum has been congested, but I thank you all very much for your replies.<P>This is how it has been for me--my husband left home because of this dispute, and also because I came clean over the fact that I had talked to Family Advocacy about our problems. (It's the military-wide program to intervene in domestic abuse--I was referred to them by the counselor that I was seeing, but the case was put on the back burner.) My husband comes to the house to take care of our little boy when I work. When he arrives to the house, the first thing he does is run to the refrigerator and eat everything in sight. I don't know where he's been staying. He hasn't taken any of his things (but his laptop and a few clothes.) We don't speak to one another.<P>Last night he stayed and slept on the floor in the office. We still didn't speak to each other.<P>I, more than anyone, believes in the radical honesty policy of MB. When I first got invovled with my husband, I entrusted him with every aspect of myself, like a marriage partner should be able to. I was an open book about my history, even the few sordid things (things he says he can use against me) my thoughts and feelings ("you're crazy) my actions (which he doesn't believe anyways, according to him, I am always lying.) In turn, I have always respected the privacy that he has always vigilantly demanded--about his past, his agenda, his feelings. Violating this would bring about angry consequences.<P>Yes, you are correct in saying that I should not be snooping. No one should. But then, if no one snooped into their wayward spouse's secret life, then it would remain a secret life. I will stop snooping when he stops lying to me. I try so hard to be open and honest with him.<P>The only things I hide from him is what I post on this forum. That in itself, is dangerous. Talking to others about my husband's secret life, to him, is as trecherous as him having a secret life.<P>Last fall, I made the mistake of actually posting then e-mailing the link to him (and Miss Kitty, although I'll admit that I e-mailed the link to her just to "get" at her.)He was outraged. He accused me of enlightening the whole entire world of his secret fantasy life--which, I guess that I was, but then, I was more anonymous about it then. I thought that by bringing up our problems in the open, they would be resolved. Not so--it simply caused him to work better tactics in being secretive.<P>Now, yes, I get into his "spy" program that I found out he had (by hacking) and erase what I have written. Otherwise, I could not be involved with Marriage Builder's whatsoever. I don't know what else to do. That is pretty much all that I hide from him--my computer activity. Marriage Builders and the one or two friends that I chat with. (Yeah, you G, my bro. You're awesome!)<P>Guys--I need someplace, someone to talk to. If it wasn't for Marriage Builders, I would have gone crazy a long time ago. Seriously. I don't feel bad about hiding that.<P>He certainly doesn't feel bad about hiding filth and secret relationships from me. He figures that if I don't know, then it didn't happen. And if I do know, then I am crazy because it still didn't happen.<P>I think I am hearing two different things here--seems like most of the guys are saying: Let him be, and then he'll trust you with his secret. And all the ladies are saying: Don't trust him until he hits rock bottom, whenever that will be. I think that I tend to indentify with the ladies, but it's good to understand the mens' point of view.

As it is--I can't look at this at home, I am at work now, so if I am slow at replying, that's why. My thanks to you all.<P>Oh, Orchid--I am doing alright, kind of sad all the time, but I am sure that you know what that's like. How are you?<BR>

Dear Berzini,<P>You have us here. Will your H get mad if you correspond with one little uchinanchu island girl? If so, you can get my e-mail address on the JFO site. Or let me know and I will print it here. <P>Like the rest of us, you don't have to go this alone. I told my H, I come here because he was not giving me the support I needed. As much as he did not like it. He too felt that his life was being exposed. Hm..... Anyway, H understood that since he was not supporting me, I did it for my need. With that thought, I still post. I am just cautious where and when I post since I do not want to direspect his feelings. I still send H threads from here and even ask his opinions. <P>Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Believe it or not, Harley has some online advice about masturbation and how it takes away from the marriage. Check it out!<P>Below is a link to and a brief excerpt from Dr. Harley's response to a woman who came home and discovered her husband masturbating to a pornographic video. I'm sure the same could also apply to Internet-related porn as well:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Addiction to Pornography Letter #1</A><P>"Your husband probably masturbates a lot more than you think. It may be several times a week. That would account for his decreasing sexual interest in you. If he were not to masturbate at all, I'm certain he would want to have sex with you more often. But he has become so addicted to pornographic videos, that he can't resist them. And he uses them whenever he gets a chance."<P>p.s.It appears your hubby knows he's wrong, so maybe it wouldn't be wise to throw this information in his face, but you could use the information to help articulate how it makes YOU feel when he is having this type of sex and gratifying himself without you.