Well, I've been Plan A ing as best as I could and she has responded well to me, we have a great time together, and even have had some pretty awesome sex, but she has maintained contact with him all the time. I knew, because of a program I installed that records her chat conversations. Well, the program was supposed to be undetectable, but it errored out and she saw it. <P>So it came to the surface and I leveled with her. She knew it was there, but didn't think I was using it anymore. I tried to uninstall it, and it didn't work.<P>Anyway, we had a long chat conversation and I poured out my heart and mind to her. I apologized for installing the program (again) and promised I would get rid of it. All it has done has made it harder for me to Plan A. Everytime I got my hopes up and built trust for her, the program would destroy it. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe it is a bad thing, but I told her I wanted to just be the best man I could be and that if she really loved me, that she would stop talking to him. She said she does love me, very much, but she didn't say anythign about no contact. I didn't push it and we talked for a while about a trip we are taking tomorrow for 4 days, to Atlanta. <P>I asked her if she could imagine living without me. If she could picture herself making it for the rest of her life without us being together. She said no. I said, neither can I. I've tried to, but I can't. She said she loved me again.<P>I don't know what is next. I am not changing a thing, I am going to keep Plan Aing, but she still hasn't said what she plans to do. If we don't say anything else about it, I know what she'll do - she will continue having phone sex with him nearly every day such that when I touch her, she pulls away. That's what has been happening.<P>I didn't say that I was running out of strength, though. And I am. I told her it is so hard to keep going, every time I get down. How do I communicate to her that I just don't have much left? We are going to meet for lunch.<P>Thanks all of you. It's been a rough week for all of us. But a lot of good things are happening as well. At least things are happening, though.<P>------------------<BR>

If you truly feel that you don't have much left, isn't it time for Plan B? On the other hand, I vascillate back and forth between "I'm done; I'm tired of being the only one trying." Then the next day, I'm still hanging in, thinking that it hasn't been that long. I don't know how people do this for YEARS! My H has been home 5 weeks. As far as I know, the last contact with OW was last Friday. Of course, he's lied so much I just can't tell. He started out being affectionate when he came home. We had sex a few times. Now, on Sunday, he broke down and told me he was miserable. He said he'd ruined so many lives, he just didn't know how to fix things. He didn't know how or what would ever make him happy again. Boy did that hurt! He's missing her. All the while, I'm plan A'ing my head off, and now he doesn't even want to kiss me or say that he loves me. I hate to admit this, but it was almost better when he was gone. I wish now that the A had died a natural death. I guess my point in all of this is that it seems that we BS's waffle in our emotions just as much, sometimes more than the WS's do. Today, I'm ready to throw in the towel and tell him to leave for good. I won't tell him, though, because tomorrow may be a different story. Pray, pray, pray.

I'm probably not replying in time for your lunch date. Tell us how it went.<P>I think you should tell her that you love her, you want to work things out and put your marriage on the right track, but that you want to be the only man in her heart, and you can't wait forever. You are willing to be patient and give her time and space to think things through, but you don't know how long that time will be. Say all of this lovingly, respectfully, maturely, and calmly. If she's asks what you are waiting for, say something like, no contact with OM, and blatant effort on her part to work on improving your relationship (counselling, MB principles, etc.) Smile, and be sure you are having a positive, non-judgmental tone in your voice.<P>You are still fairly early in your Plan A, like me. We have to give it time. 3-6 months if at all possible.<P>my 2 cents. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I know it is early. I've read it a dozen times and I feel terrible, but I just cannot stand this that long. I feel like I am on the edge already. She keeps lying to me, saying she isn't talking to him anymore, or that she only rarely emails him just to see how he is doing or how his son is doing. And it is all bull. <P>How can I trust her? And now that this online recorder program is gone, how will I know if she really has stopped talking to him? Or other guys?? I can't trust her anymore. <P>Lunch went ok. Not great. We didn't talk about it at all. Not bad, not good. We need to talk about it. I want her to know that I can't keep on going like this. That I won't keep on going like this. And even if she does decide to stop, how will I know she has truly stopped talking to him? And if we go to counseling, how do I know she won't just lie to the therapist?<P>I am feeling REALLY hopeless right now.

I'm so sorry, GM. I know exactly how you feel.<P>You're going to Atlanta for 4 days. That will be fun, won't it? Will you be together all 4 days? WIll she have an oppurtunity to communicate with OM?

We will be together =) She is very excited about it and so am I!! She won't have access to the internet, but if I had a buck for every phone card I have found lying around the house, I could buy you all dinner. I don't doubt she will try to find a chance to call him. She BETTER not try calling him from her cell phone, because it will be roaming and cost a fortune on top of the $365 cell bill she has already racked up.<P>I am going to try not to think about it, or talk about it, while we are there, though. I want to have a good time. Rack up Love bank deposits and try not to get too pushy about keeping an eye on her.

Yes, yes yes!! A Good Love bank weekend! Just keep her busy , and she won't have to time to think about him. THere's lots to do there.<P>I want to plan something soon for me and my H. I hope he will agree to something. My B'day is in Sept., so I'm hoping we will be doing much better by then and we can do something special for my b'day. I will see him again tonight so I can make some more deposits. <P>Hey, your W doesn't work, does she? Do YOU pay for her phone calls to OM? Or does he?

It makes me sick to my stomach. She doesn't work, and I am paying so she can screw around on me. Oh man, it makes me so mad.

After your trip, you need to put a stop to that. IMO. I could be wrong..... I believe that's "enabling"... anyone else on this???<P>W, you know I don't mind being the provider for our family. I want you to have a safe and secure home and life. But I will not support your communication with the OM any longer. Long distance, calling cards, and cell phone. It hurts me to share your heart with OM, and I won't contribute to it any longer. <P>Once again, respectfully, mature, calmly, and lovingly. Like you are taking away her drug or alcohol money.<P>Am I wrong?

I, for one, think you are right. The Cell Phone bill just came in today. It is probably severely past due. I am going to only agree to pay the basic monthly fee. She is going to have to raise the money for all her calls to him. But I will wait until we get back. I want her to remember this week. Something inside me tells me that it has the chance of being our last.

Wave at me on your way through Alabama tomorrow. <P>Keep your chin up. This may be your last trip together. yes, keep that as a reality check in the back of your mind. BUT, think of it also as an investment. You 2 may work things out, and your strength, faith, and leadership may pay off and lay down a foundation for a marriage greater than you can imagine!!! And if things don't work out with her, IF - big IF - way in the BACK of your mind!!!! - you are learning skills that will help you for a lifetime.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I envy the opportunity you people have for plan Aing. The conversation, the trip, the sex… I was never given enough time for these. I am afraid I am not in the position to give any advice in my current situation, koz I would be grateful to take every chance for me to fulfill my W’s needs.<P>Sorry for the rambling.

Humper, I don't consider it rambling at all. What you said has definitely made me appreciate what I have. The fact that she does love me, and shows it, is something that many don't have. <P>It helps to soften the blow, but the fact remains that I refuse to share her, and if she continues this way, all those things will stop. What hurts the most is that, in spite of all my efforts, she continues this affair and pretends to me that she isn't. I wonder what is worse? Pretend love? Or nothing at all?

I choose to take the "pretend love" for now, except that I don't think it's pretend. I think that our WS's are honestly confused and torn between what they want in life. fog. We sometimes get so used to calling it fog, we lose perspective as to what they are really feeling. Our counselor drew a heart, and asked my H to draw a line to divide it, to indicate how much of his heart was for me and how much was for OW. I was crushed at his picture, but was expecting it anyway, because I knew how much time he was spending with her. So this image is still in my head. His heart is still divided between me and the OW. I know my H loves me. It's not pretend. It's just "half-hearted", or "quarter-hearted". I'll take it over "nothing" for a little while - not forever. Because I believe the half will grow back into a whole. And when he decides to work with me, it will be cemented as a whole, and will never crack again. Hope - not expectation. Hope is enough for me right now. <P>I was thinking... I never pursued love before. Sure, I had crushes, but never pursued a relationship with someone. My H pursued me, and won my heart. How did he feel when he was trying to make me fall in love with him? Maybe like I feel now, trying to Plan A and make him fall back in love? I can do it for a little while, but the brick wall may prove to be stronger than me.

Awesome post, Faith. I actually asked my wife a very similar question today. She first asked me if I doubted her love for me. I told her first that in the past year or so, I felt as if her heart was turned away from me. But that in the past 2 months, since I found out about the affair, I feel as if her heart has turned back towards me. She smiled brightly. But I said, "But not all the way, yet" and she grew sad again, but understood. I said, I can't wait until it is all the way. And she said nothing. The conflict swarmed in and she couldn't say that she wanted to turn all the way towards me, or away. <P>So now it is a game of how long I can stand to be on this side of the brick wall. Sometimes I feel like forever. Earlier today I felt like this was our last week. Now I am not sure. I still am not going to last long, though. She is proving to me that she is incapable of being faithful to me. Either with this OM or another one. She is just too obsessed with attention from other men. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for her. I don't plan on resting on my laurels, either, saying I won her hand in marriage and now she's stuck with me. But it shouldn't be this constant struggle to keep her with me every day of my life.<P>sigh<P>I am about to leave for Atlanta, though! We'll be driving through Alabama quite a while! Pray for us =) Maybe a few of the angels encamped about you will hitch a ride with us.

Awesome post, Faith. I actually asked my wife a very similar question today. She first asked me if I doubted her love for me. I told her first that in the past year or so, I felt as if her heart was turned away from me. But that in the past 2 months, since I found out about the affair, I feel as if her heart has turned back towards me. She smiled brightly. But I said, "But not all the way, yet" and she grew sad again, but understood. I said, I can't wait until it is all the way. And she said nothing. The conflict swarmed in and she couldn't say that she wanted to turn all the way towards me, or away. <P>So now it is a game of how long I can stand to be on this side of the brick wall. Sometimes I feel like forever. Earlier today I felt like this was our last week. Now I am not sure. I still am not going to last long, though. She is proving to me that she is incapable of being faithful to me. Either with this OM or another one. She is just too obsessed with attention from other men. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for her. I don't plan on resting on my laurels, either, saying I won her hand in marriage and now she's stuck with me. But it shouldn't be this constant struggle to keep her with me every day of my life.<P>sigh<P>I am about to leave for Atlanta, though! We'll be driving through Alabama quite a while! Pray for us =) Maybe a few of the angels encamped about you will hitch a ride with us.

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All I can say is this: you can't change your W, you can only change you. Ideally, she will follow in your footsteps, and realize what an error in judgment she has made. Keep on truckin' with your plan A.. you're doing a great job. That is pretty much all you can do, you know that you cannot force her to stop contacting the OM. She HAS to want to do that on her own.<P>And as far as the cell phone thing goes.. I think you have a great idea, offering to only pay for the monthly base rate. She'll still consider that to be an LB, but why on earth would you enable her like that by paying it all? There are definitely limitations to how great anyone's plan A should be. And enabling is where a line is drawn.<P>Karen<BR>

Well, I'm back! The trip was excellent. We had a lot of fun =)<P>But I don't feel any differently. I checked her redial on her cell phone and, sure enough, she called him while we were in Atlanta. Another thing that really bothered me was how much she enjoyed the guys that flirted with her. I made no effort to hide my jealousy and she loved it. She said she was glad that I was showing my jealousy, but it wasn't any fun for me, I assure you.<P>I'm confused now. She still seems so far away sometimes. I am thinking about doing something tonight that I heard about on here. One of you guys said you were going to counseling and the therapist had the WS draw a heart and color in how much belonged to the BS and how much belonged to the OM. I want her to realize how much she is robbing me of what a husband deserves. I am unhappy and I am very close to making a decision for her if she can't make one on her own.

gm..I want her to realize how much she is robbing me of what a husband deserves. <P>snl...So, you figure she "owes" you love huh? Not trying to pick on you gm, I have no reason to think you are not a good husband, but how can one owe love? That is not a Christian belief, it must be freely given..right? If you talk (or project) to her this way, how can she ever choose you, knowing you would just figure it is your "right", what you deserve? How can you be sure your deserve it anyways? Doesn't God put us exactly where we should be? Maybe you don't deserve it at all. Maybe she enjoys your jealousy cause she is unsure of your focus, maybe she thinks you are emotionally focused on gm. The Bible (song of solomon I think) talks about love being jealous, so showing the jealousy (without being abusive) is probably a good thing.