I just read WilliamJ's post about Hope After an Affair...and that is my struggle right now...<P>LETTING GO...REALLY LETTING GO...<P>Just doing it...giving up control!!!<P>My head knows it...so why can't I?<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Because you are not ready in your heart to give up.<P>Don't let go and throw it away, let the part that hurts go. What does that mean? The part that you know hurts you. Like his relationship with OW, how much he showed his anger towards you, the fact that he is not with you now and that he is not there to support and protect you at this moment. <P>Go to the beach or mountains and scream!!!! When you come home it will still be there. Your children will be there and you will find out that the important things and persons in your life are still there for you. <P>Cali, let go of the pain and hold on to the love. Tight, hold on tight to the love of those around you. Your chidlren, family and friends. Then breathe a bit to calm you down. If you can, rub some pure lavendar oil on your neck and arms. It really helps calm you down. Do it ever 30 minutes for 2hours. See if it helps. Let your little runs rub your neck and shoulders. It will feel good. <P>Understand that you can not rush your H's pace or way of healing. I tried. I lost. I cried and I ultimately hurt myself. H said I couldn't rush him and he was unfortunately right. Why? Because as much as he said he wanted to, he could not rush himself either. <P>I will post more later. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

I'm with you Cali, knowing how to let go and actually doing it are really two different things but it sounds both liberating and terrifying. <P>Just wanted to let you know that I'm out there and feeling the same. <P>Hugs

Cali,<P>I'm in the same boat, and look at me. I'm seperated 15 mos and now D.<P>Here's the deal. I think for all of us, there is an emotional imprint from our spouses. I don't think what you're doing is trying to control so much as it's you wanting that imprint back, the emotion, your heart, your soul. So you find yourself unconsciously looking for ways to nudge your H back to you, to your commitment that you once had. <P>We both need to recognize this in ourselves when it happens and take a step back. If you persuaded your H to do what you want, BE in the marriage again, don't you think because it wasn't 100% his decision that this may occur again. Or, he could end up resenting you for persuading him and not letting him make the decision unilaterally.<P>This is one decision he has to make for and by himself, even tho you are so comfortable and familiar with making decisions together. <P>I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS, honestly!!!<P>I don't know if this helps you, I hope it does. I feel for you, Hon.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 10, 2001).]

Hi Cali, I know how much you love to read...<P>You should try reading "The Control Trap" by Barbara Sullivan, I think it will have a huge impact on you and help with this.<P>Believe it or not, after reading this book, I ACTUALLY considered leaving OW a voicemail that said I forgived her for what she has done. ME!! The one who despises OW with every molecule of my body and wants to go pummel her into the hospital...<P>Obviously, I realize I don't fully forgive her yet, but for me to actually CONSIDER it, wow!!<P>I'm getting some more books in too, I'll let you know if they are any good.

I can't let go of my pain. I'm not done with it yet.<P>Nell

Cali,<P>I don't know your story...but I do know your pain.<P>Listen to Orchid...very good advise...take comfort in your children.<P>I started a Tai Chi (beginners) class this week. It is time for me to do something of that sort. i went through the screaming in the mountains thing now it's peace. Inner peace I am comming to. <P>Love to you sister....D2K

JustPlainCali:<P>I don't have great words of wisdom for you. I'm going through H*LL right now myself, but I thought I'd stop in and say "Hi". I don't think we have any control in these situations. The A is in the WH's control...and they appear out of control. I also think trying to control...only pushes them closer towards the OW. We have NO control over anyone else....we can only control ourselves...and that's even hard to do, when the emotions are involved. The WH has to figure it out themselves....if they do. Mine is so caught up in his A...I think he is just stuck there, trapped...and feels there is no way out. But, this is his choice...so I'm standing back and I will have to live with it. He may figure it out...he may not. This also means H will have to live with his choices, unfortunately. I guess he can't see the forest for the trees...so he fell into the quick sand.<P>"LETTING GO" I wish I could figure out how to. I'm standing back, but haven't been able to "LET GO". My head knows it too. But, my heart has me in such an emotional turmoil that I can't just let go. All the memories of "the way we were" are stuck inside of me...maybe it's coming to the realization of "the way it is". Is this denial? <P>Sorry......Take Care.<BR>(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))<P>

Imagine.. <P>A canyon between two glorious mountain ranges and a valley deep below. You can't hear the ruslting of the rapids so far below. The wind, screams as it rushes across your face.. and your alerted, in shock. You find yourself bending halfway across the guardrail your children's feet firmly planted on the pavement behind you, as they look in horror at the situation. Your husband dangles inches away from your reach.. your fingertips actually can graze his. You don't have the support to lean over any farther and reach any longer. The fear in his eyes as he gazes at the depths below.. the satisfaction in him knowing that this will be over soon looms in his mind... and you are feeling the pain from bending as far as you can over the guardrail. Your reaches and gentle touches are ignored.. your words fall on his deaf ears. His knuckles fill with oxygenless blood and become white. <P>Your going to turn away? Now? After how many years Cali? How long? He's not there for wanting you.. he's looking below? You can't go on any longer? Why? Your tired... tired of reaching out to him as he slaps your hand away everytime? How long are you going to sit on that bridge and wait? Are you going to wait till he lets go.. or are you going to pull yourself up over that guardrail, dust yourself off and get your kids back in the car.. and cross to the other side of that revene, and NEVER look back?<P>Okay.. didn't mean that to be hateful.. or 'disturbing'. He's your husband Cali. Don't let him fall until you know that he doesn't have the strength to pull himself back up to you and grab your hand. Cali, you are as strong as I am and YOU are not ready for a PLAN B yet. It's not time, hun. Get out on that guardrail and secure yourself to it.. He's gonna realize one day that it is you he wants... be patient.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town