D-day was in 2/01. First 4 mos. was pure hell. I LB him verbally, emtionally, and physically (yes phyically, I was in deep pain). For the past month, I've come around with him. He sees kids on a regular basis. Come to the house to do things. As long as I don't talk about his infidelity, we are the best of friends or shall I say like brother and sister (he won't touch me, ouch) So, why should he even make a committment in coming back home when he has the best of both worlds. He has OW plus he has his family. In order not to make him mad I stick to the subject of other things besides our marriage. I feel that we (me and my boys) are getting the short end of the stick. I want so bad to tell him to make a choice, but at the same time I know it will be a big LB. Any opinion was be most helpful as to which way to turn.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by stillinshock:<BR><B>So, why should he even make a committment in coming back home when he has the best of both worlds. He has OW plus he has his family. <P>Any opinion was be most helpful as to which way to turn. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Still...,<BR> If you have been reading here for any length of time at all, you know that the only thing within your power to do right now is Plan A your butt off! Yes, he has the best of both worlds right now....that is the idea. Let him have his cake...right now YOU need to be making changes, so that he can see things at home are changing for the better. No angry outbursts, no criticizing, no demands. Meet as many of his EN's as he will allow.<P>Let him and OW continue in their little fantasy world. Meanwhile at home, everything is getting better and better, and you are getting better and better yourself. As a wife, as a mother, as a person.<P>Usually, the recommended time of Plan a is 6 months,but you can do it as long as you're feeling as tho you can continue to love him in spite of the A, after which you go to Plan B, which forces him to make a decision...."Yes, I want you to stay and work on the M, but if you want to continue in your relationship w/OW, then you must leave here. I cannot continue the way we are, this hurts too much...." This forces him to choose. Usually, they choose to leave, believing that the changes they are seeing are temporary, or they are so lost in the fog that they still believe they "love" the OW.<P>Plan B is hard, cause all contact is cut. It is usually at this point that the WS sees the A and OW for what they are, and commits to the M, but this is a long, drawn out process.<P>Please read all you can on this web site. Order HNHN, or SAA from the Harleys and begin improving yourself to help improve your chances of saving your M.<P>Many others will join in here, and give better advice. See, I never knew about OW until H moved out and straight in w/her same day!! So every situation is slightly different. But everyone here agrees that these concepts DO work!<P>Good luck...Please keep posting, and we'll all try to help.<P>Lupo

stillinshock,<P>Please listen to what lupo has said to you. You asked a question <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> So, why should he even make a committment in coming back home when he has the best of both worlds. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, from what you posted he doesn't have the best of both worlds. In one world there is someone who wants him, apparently is strongly attracted to him (if not in love with him). In the other world there is his obligation to his children (which he apparently loves), there is pain, there is anger, plus physical abuse, and there is a marriage that he has judged to be less than sufficient.<P>Now, let me ask the question, "Why would he want to commit?"<P>The answer to this question lies in what Lupo said: Plan A. I appreciate that he hurt you deeply. He made a commitment to you when he married you. But, it is time for you to look inside yourself and see what needs of his you were not meeting. What behaviors made him think you couldn't offer the love he feels he needs. (That will change by the way. )<P>In short, right now he is trying to meet his commitment to the children, and then go to a place that receives him warmly, the OW. <P>Stillinshock, this is tough stuff to do, but it can be turned around. If you have not done so get two books, His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, by Harley. Read them and try to see things from your H's point of view. I suspect it will guide you in restoring your marriage. It can be done.<P>I would also recommend to you that you go to the "Just Found Out" section of this site and read NSR's or Onegoing's "general greetings" within this greeting are bookmarked many useful articles.<P>You can do this if you decide to.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<BR>

Thanks for the relies lupolady and just learning:<P>Cannot Plan A-it because H moved out in Feb. Wish I could cut off contact, but can't b/c of children. As far as the physcial abuse, I did it b/c of the affair. Never in our 13 years of marriage was there ever any kind of physcial abuse. I admit that I totall lost it!!!! Very devestated.<P>Secondly I know what EN's were being neglected. It was SF. You see, I stongly believe my H is a sexual addict. He wanted me to be with another woman, I didn't do it. By the way, OW is bi-sexual. He wanted me to expose myself in public to other men, I wouldn't do it. He wanted to post nude pics of me on the internet, I wouldn't do it. He always requested that I dress like a whore when we went out. I felt very uncomfortable, and he knew it. He had various porno magazine around the house, plus subscribe to internet porn. I really was not into that. Don't think I'm naive about what men like. I just think my H went just a bit overboard. I could not understand why he would request this type of behavior of his wife, the mother of his children. I longed and desire normal sexual behavoir from my H. It ALWAYS had to be his way. I started pulling back (sexually), and in walks OW. Was I wrong not to give in into his needs. That is what I've questioned since D-day.

bump up<P>Please anyone!!! Need someone to validate.

Hi Still,<P>Are those really needs? Sounds more like his wants are greater than his true needs. What are needs? Things that complete us and round out our character. SF, communication, affection, etc in the right way can make us better persons. Flaunting one's wife on the internet and make her look like a hooker, is not bettering anyone one's character both his and yours. <P>No, Still, I believe you are right to retain your dignity. Your H sounds like he has a majoy sexual addiction which should not be confused as a valid need. I mean a drug addict hooked on crack has a 'need' for more crack to 'make it to tomorrow'. But is that a correct need? No. Similar situation with your H. <P>We need to remember what a true need vs a want. Obivously our mates' 'needs' as they think are not always valid. Some or obessive, cumpulsive, selfish behavior that should not be met or rewarded. I think that is what confuses some of us who are the BS. There is so much talk about meeting needs that we tend to go overboard and be there so that in essence they do get the best of 2 worlds if they are willing to settle for being 1/2 a person. While in the fog, some don't mind settling for giving only a portion of themselves. They are satisfied with that. <P>Now that I believe is wrong. When I brought that up to my H, I told him I wanted a man who was a husband 100% not less. If he and OW were willing to settle for less then he needed to be with her not me. OW wanted any amount she could get and said so. At least for the moment. I know that selfish witch would eventually up the ante to 100%. But she was willing to bargain (her version of plan a) to get H. I did not want to be a part of that bargain. <P>JMHO.<BR>L.<BR>