I found out this weekend that H (after moving home 5 weeks ago and telling me he's committed to working on the marriage) has been seeing and talking to OW the whole time. People, he has changed his mind 10 times in the last 24 hours as to whether he wants to work on our marriage or live with her. He JUST gave up his apartment and it's been rented to someone else, so he will have "nowhere" else to go but to her. I told him that it would be very difficult for him to see his children, because I didn't think they'd be o.k. with going to her house. He's asking ME to make all the decisions (i.e., be patient, knowing that he's in love with her and is not committed to NEVER seeing her again; or kick him out, etc.). I am so disappointed, I have very little love left, so please, what should I do? He's told me there's no point in counseling for us right now, because only 1 of us is committed to the marriage. I don't want to hurt anymore. He asked me this hypothetical (yeah, right) question last night: "What if I move in with OW to prove to myself that the things I've said about having no future with her are true? Would you find someone else if I did that?" What's he want; MY BLESSING!!!

Myownme:<P>What your husband wants is for you to force the situation, so he doesn't have to make a decision. Then he'll take the path of least resistance---and blame it on you when it doesn't work out.<P>In these situations, I would recommend a continuation of Plan A for as long as you can. You also want to have a Plan B letter prepared (and a plan for executing the separation). When you're ready to go for Plan B, try to make it innocious in terms of the timing---you don't want it associated with anything he's currently doing. <P>I wouldn't go to divorce, unless that's really what you want, and you've wanted it for the last three months. The bottom line is that this affair will likely end within a year or so. The main thing about Plans A&B are getting you through this period so that you'll want your husband back, and leaving your husband with a positive impression so that when the affair explodes, he'll want to come home.<P>It's not easy. I actually found that counseling with Steve Harley during my Plan A/B time was really helpful---he's a great coach and motivator. You might want to give him a call.

Thanks K,<BR>We were separated in March. I wrote and gave him Plan B letter on July 3. My problem is that I believed him when he said he was committed to the marriage and wanted to come home. I let him back too soon. How do you keep Plan A'ing when you know they're in love with someone else? He had never admitted it until yesterday. Oh, I've known it all along, I was secretly praying I've been wrong. I have never wanted a divorce. I've wanted my marriage to work. I've pretty much been kissing his as* the whole time since he left in March, so I guess you could say I've been plan A'ing for almost 6 months.

I forgot to say, we are so far in debt because of his moving out (we were just making it before he moved out), that there's no way I could afford any more counseling. We've got 3 teenagers (one who will be a senior this fall), so you can understand how tight money can be. Unfortunately, neither my H nor I have ever been good at saving money, so we have nothing extra...

Myownme.<BR> I saw your reply on my thread yesterday and I agree, we seem to be in about the same place I wish I had some helpful advice for you but I am at a loss as to how to "fix" things. Maybe some of the "oldtimers" here can send us both on the right path. Sending hugs your way, try to be strong.<P>~TD~

Yup, dealing with an affair is a great way to drain a bank account.<P>My wife <I>ended</I> her affair after her first 3 minutes of Plan B. She begged me to stay, promised to end it---all the usual crap. I knew that there was a good chance that this would fail (based on Steve's coaching), because it wasn't a decision she was freely making. The affair restarted and I discovered that within a month or so. I stayed in Plan A for an additional month before doing a real Plan B.<P>In your case, you have a couple options. The first is to sit down and use the POJA to discuss this. Can he be "enthusaistic" about ending the affair? If not, will he try to limit contact? Will he be honest when contact occurs (and can you handle that gracefully)? If you can negotiate some settlement that will allow you to Plan A for a little while longer, I'd do that.<P>If not, go back to Plan B. Make sure that he understands why you're going back to it (because of the renewed contact). Make sure he knows that he can't come back until the affair is REALLY over and he's willing to commit to counseling (and moving to Outer Mongolia, if necessary). He will probably run directly to the OW---but that's not necessarily a bad thing. He probably need to hit rock bottom all by himself, and eventually you're going to have to let him do it.<P>I still like trying to get him to participate in the decision---it will help him realize that there are consequences to his actions. It's tough to see that through the fog, but he might get a glimpse.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited August 14, 2001).]

Thanks TD. Hugs back to you...

I have just posted for the first time, but have been reading for awhile. I know I have probably read your story, but I've read so many they are starting to blur.<P>I have not responded to anyone yet either, but I felt compelled to respond to you, because in some respects I feel I'm in the same place you are. If you are able to get through the long post I just did, you will see my H is still living here and has not ever moved out, but he has also made me responsible for all decisions. It's so frustrating to think you're making progress and then there's another peak to climb. I feel your hurt and pain. You are the stronger one and you will see the way.<P>I just wanted you to know I know how you feel. I have no adivse to offer at the moment, but I'm sure others will.

Dear Myownme,<P>Running in a similar path here. H made those promises but got weak due to continued contact with OW. OW knew it and used it to her best advantage. <P>Money issues are usually a big factor for many. Even in my case, it was a major factor for H coming home too early. Should have left him out there to suffer. It meant us suffering more also and at the time I just was not strong enough. <P>It sounds like your H wants you to make the decisions for him. He will even treat you mean to force you to do this for him. H may be doing similar to the OW also. My H did this and confessed much later. This made me angry. I could see it but he did not admit it until 3 months later, on one of his futile attempts to come back. YUCK!!!! <P>I did not make decisions for H. I made decsions for me. I learned during this time what eventually became my 'settling' point. OW must be out of my life. This was and still is important to me. I will not let myself be used as H's excuse (his decision maker). OW is willing to be that and more. Not me. <P>That is when my inner strength began to return. Now I am able to be stronger in my resolve. Whether H can keep his word or leave, I know I will and can survive. Plan A, B or D will work as it needs it to fit my family. <P>I can not tell you to be this way, only share what has happened to me. Please read the info here (Harley books, Love must be tough, surrendered wife, etc.), get phone counseling and most of all pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>