I'm one of those BS who was never told the truth about a suspected A, last September 2. Ihave learned tons here, and have applied principals to my relationship and life in general, that Ithink have helped me move forward.<P>Over the past year, with ups and downs, my resentment has faded, as has my great anger, as theevent slips into the past. I realize however that any opportunity to learn the truth is disappearing with time, too.<P>My fiance and I have had an interesting year. I have come to see that he firmly intends to deny any wrongdoing that night, any advances on the part of OW, etc. I have come to understand that he is afraid.<P>I have introduced the topics of infidelity, emotional needs, and expectations. If I don't refer to OW, these conversations go well and are lengthy. We clearly understand what each other expects.<P>My feeling is that my fiance wants to take the present and future and make it the best possible. I have found my resentment fading and slowly, slowly I am healing. I have a horrible imagination, so this has not been easy. My fiance has told me and others that he thinks I am amazing, that I<BR>present him with no stress or discomfort. This is great news for me.<P>However, this week, I have been hit with a sudden, heavy wall of depression. I feel as I did last Sept/Oct...full of pain, unable to function, frightened, furious. Could this be because Sept. 2 is approaching?<P>This year of worry has affected my self confidence. I don't feel truly safe. I find ways to be with my fiance almost always (we live together), and try to have fun...on the outside, this looks like a good idea, but I am afraid to go away overnight, afraid when he picks up the phone or logs on, I always ask him about his day,but my motivations are wrong...I'm checking up, not on him, but on HER. If he/we are with other eligible women, I feel fine..calm and secure. It's just HER presence that keeps me on the alert. I honestly feel that my presence and persistence have driven this girl off - she has gone on to less challenging pastures. I see that my fiance has continued to feel happy with me.<P>But I have to let go. It's time to turn my attention more toward my life, my work, and the other people who need me. I can't live in fear of her anymore. But you know what? It's SO hard. I have the belief that my interest and monitoring and involvement in my relationship have truly helped push her away. I'm afraid to let me guard down...but I don't want to live like this my entire marriage!!!<P>Where do I go from here?<P>Robyn<P>(By the way, I have taken stock, positive and negative, and I do plan to marry him)

Yes, anniversaries do tend to bring back the overwhelming feelings...for all concerned. Don't think for a second that he doesn't remember, and probably want to hide. He knows you remember too...take a chance, without LB. Talk to him..ask him if he feels anything about the upcoming "anniversary". Tell him that you are not accusing and you have grown, but the remorse of remembering that day seems to be growing. Ask him to be sensitive to the fact that you may backslide a bit that day, and if you can count on his support and comfort, knowing that you do believe in him, but its something you have to work through. Maybe suggest that you do something special together that nite and try to replace the bad memory with a good one. Keep focused on the future and the positives, especially if she is no more!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Robyn: I am a WS just a little past 6 mos since d-day. A started last August and I have had a very painful emotional time despite things going great with H and my life getting back together...feel like a new person...<P>Yet bizarre memories of OM--kind of tender but I fight them as I now know he targeted me and was never a true friend. It brings a near rage at times. Tonight I saw an old pic of him and it upset me. It was not pleasant. In my eyes now he looks so ugly--outside and in. <P>I admire BS's who can forgive but I also think your feelings are quite natural. I think it is the nearness of the date. It's wonderful that you are talking on a deep level. And I agree with TH that you should tell SO it will be a difficult day for you. Would it help if you and he could do something special together to distract the both of you? Maybe a picnic or special date?<P>Take care.<P>

trueheart and freshstart - hanks to both of you...I'm feeling a little more level today. <P>Throughout this year, I have been saying to myself, "a year ago I was happy, I trusted him completely...I wasn't an A survivor..." and feeling sorry for myself.<P>After the anniversary, I can look back and say; "A year ago I was miserable - I had no support and no tools, and much less idea who we are. Now I am proud to be an A survivor."<P>I am a painter. On that day I plan on giving him a painting as an engagement gift - he has given me a ring but I have not given him a present. He can choose to remember a stupid mistake, or remember a gift from Robyn.<P>I have not been on the board for a few weeks, so thank you again for being there...I hope that the coming year brings you breakthroughs and new peace as well.<P>Robyn

Go, Robyn! Glad you are feeling better.<P>The painting is a fantastic idea. Create a new and memorable memory for him. Very cool! <P>I will think of you that weekend since my birthday is Sept 1! Let us know how things turn out.<P>It's a long hard haul but worth it! Hugs. FS