Isn't it funny how, just when we are feeling better about everything, and not thinking so much about our WS, something comes and WAM - slaps us in the face with it all?<P>I went to eat lunch with my 9 yr old. During lunch he tried to prepare me for a bad grade he received on a math paper. He said he was thinking about his Dad coming back, and he couldn't concentrate. Oh, at this time all kinds of things run through your mind, but the first is, is he using this as an excuse to do poorly? I hope not, but I really don't think he is. I've noticed over the last month that he is showing signs of depression - serious mood swings, whining alot, regressing and becoming more "babyish". I'm sure this is all normal due to the circumstances, but it makes me VERY MAD! No, not angry - MAD! I want to get physically abusive right now to my H for putting my children through this.<P>The 9 yr old is showing signs of depression, while the 11 yr old is basically being angry, getting an attitude, and acting like every time he gets in trouble he is a victim. Thank God the baby doesn't understand! <P>Well, when I walked my son to class, his teacher pulled me aside and said he has been talking to her about our problems. She said, if it was okay with me, she was going to encourage this. I told her that was fine - of course crying the whole time. She gave me his math paper. She told him to write why he was unable to concentrate on his work at the top of his paper. Right there, in big red letters is, "BECAUSE I WANT MY DAD TO COME BACK." <P>Lexxy, let me ask you a question, and I'm really not trying to be a smart***, as my H tends to accuse me of. Should I share this with my H, or is it an LB? Should he not know how his actions are truly affecting his children? Is it okay to go on letting him pretend like his actions have no affect on them, and that there will not be repercussions (sp?) in their life? While I understand the whole LB thing, why am I going to accept responsibility for this situation by myself when he is the one putting us through it? <P>Any suggestions on how to address this with my H? I, after all, don't want him to think I'm "manipulating" him, which he is sure to accuse me of. However, I did do one smart thing. I asked the teacher to give me the math paper, so I have proof.<P>Your thoughts would be appreciated!<P>Love you all!<BR>TIG

Hi, <P>This is not Lexxy, but I had to reply. Oh yes, your H needs to see the backlash of his actions. Don't worry about how it will effect him you have your hands full with your kids right now. Show the paper to your H, let your H handle this with his son. Maybe it is high time his son give him a piece of his mind. Mine did. It still is stuck in his craw. I left it there and did not try to relieve his guilt. <P>JMHO,<BR>L.<BR>

TIG, this is not lexxy either, but I think I am starting to get a handle on this LB thing.<P>I think the focus should be more on how you present the situation rather then whether or not you should present it.<P>Your H needs to know how the situation is affecting your children. I think you avoid LBing by presenting the facts. With no extra becauses or whys or opinions.<P>Just - when I walked to school today, the teacher pulled me aside and this is what she said...... show him the math test. Stop there. <P>I don't think that is LBing. We cannot prevent our partners from feeling bad about their actions, we can only prevent ourselves from sending negative messages their way.<P>I have been studying writing for several years & the funny thing is that this is also professed to be the most effective way of communicating heavy stuff. You lay out the facts in a low key way - no opinions thrown in to boost the effect. That is the best way to emotionally reach your reader. Convenient that this would also be the best way to reach our partners when they have all but shut down.<P>I am looking forward to reading all the advise that will be added to this thread. The idea of LB is still pretty elusive to me.<P>Good luck when you present this info to your husband.

Oh TIG --<BR>I am so sorry to hear about your kids. That is heartbreaking.<P>Runningonfaith got it exactly right. You should not hide or avoid the information -- the LB comes in the presentation.<P>You need to be non-judgemental. You need to stick to the facts (and be as brief there as you can!) <BR>SAY TO HIM: "we'll only talk about this if you want to, otherwise please talk to his teacher, our son told her of the situation and she will be glad to give you updates on how he is doing."<P>Make it clear that you are not the one who told the teacher about anything. (LB for telling people!)<P>Do NOT have an air of accusation, or of blame for him causing problems for the kids. The message will come through from the FACTS not from you making him feel guilty.<P>And I suspect this will be heartbreaking to him as well. Empathy for how he must feel would be a better approach for you to take. Thats gonna be a hard sentence for him to read at the top of that math paper, don't you think? <P>He certainly didn't take any of his actions with the purpose of hurting the children. And this is going to hurt him. Be sympathetic to that. Not just hateful.<P>

TIG<P>I have no advice just validation. I too see the effects my H A has on my children. He moved out 6 mos ago and I don't see him coming back. I have express to him that this is going to affect our children now and later. His only reply is "they will be fine". Does he truly believe this? Success stories from children of divorce parents are not the norm. Most children grow up feeling the effects of divorce in a negative light. Can he not see beyond his own happiness and know how much he is hurting our kids? This makes me cry everytime I think about it. They don't deserve this. <BR>I hope the comment on your son's math paper opens up yours H eyes.